My boyfriends ex

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

No, I don’t have her phone number =P
Oh, reading through these messages more carefully, I noticed people mentioning them sleeping together, and a history. They never did sleep together as far as I know.
They met, got a long like a house on fire, but were just friends. Then she had to move to Canada for some reason I can’t recollect. The night before she left she told him that “She adored him, almost loved him, and would like to try to have a relationship.” But he was a virgin when we hooked up. So they tried a long distance relationship for months and months. Which made it easier for me to move in, which is probably why he cheated on her (I don’t think he felt they were technically committed to each other) which is why I don’t think he’ll cheat on me. However, I still feel threatened by her, which is why I started this whole thing anyway. because I wanted to know if I personally should get help, or get him involved.

“Everybody’s got something to hide except for me and my monkey”-The Beatles

42

Wait a minute. Wait just a freaking minute.

Now you’re saying that they were never boyfriend & girlfriend, really? That they were just friends BEFORE you hooked up with him, and you’re mad that they’re STILL just friends?

You have no right to be jealous of a relationship that never existed. None whatsoever. Get over it. Get over yourself. You are attempting to be controlling and manipulative, and since he’s already told you he’s not giving up his friends, you’re losing the battle. And, IMHO, this is a battle you have no right to win.

:::knock knock:::

Hello, is this the pepperlandgirl residence? FedEx here. Got a shipment of clues for you. Sign right here, please. Thanks, have a nice day!

Cristi, Slayer of Peeps

I made my husband join a bridge club. He jumps next Tuesday.

(title & sig courtesy of UncleBeer and WallyM7!)

43

pepperlandgirl

I think you need to get a grip on yourself a lot more than the ‘couple’ thing. She is destroying you (and your relationship) long distance without her even being in the same country! And she is doing it all through YOU !

You’re better than that – at least you should be. It may be trite, but if he follows through with cheating, it really wasn’t meant to be. He may not ever cheat. You yourself said that he’d never. I’d stop nosing through phone bills, bank records etc. That’s a great way to push him over the edge if he ever does finds out.

You have everything, you control the finances, he trusts you with your password, etc. Obviously he trusts you… so he still talks to her… he will get over it – or not. Just don’t push him toward her by being a bitch.
The long and the short of it is, you need to trust - yourself. Either you have it or you don’t. If you don’t get help.
But please don’t turn into a shrew or a nag in trying to find out. Learn to be secure in yourself – really.

44

Ah Ha! If I knew it was going to be this easy I would have posted my last message first, and saved a lot of people a lot of time. Sorry about that.
You are right, I do have many self-esteem isssues etc. All I really wanted to know is if I had a right to feel this way or not. And it has been pointed out to me that I shouldn’t. This whole thing is new to me, he is my first BF, and I am frightened of losing him, I always have been. But I didn’t know if what I felt was a problem or not. Thank you for pointing out to me that he is not really doing anything wrong.
Now that we have that out of the way, how should I come to terms with it and myself? Any advise is welcome other then “Oh, grow up” I’m working on that, that is why I’m here asking for help. :slight_smile:

“Everybody’s got something to hide except for me and my monkey”-The Beatles

45

What a crock. :rolleyes:

How old are you Pepper? You sound very young and very insecure.

My suggestion to you is not to worry about it. Your smoothering and untrusting attitude will eventually drive him away. That will cure the “ex” problem.

Pardon me while I burst into flames.

46

Oh Gawd, here we go. Brace yourself!
I am a very old 17. I say “very old” because I’m more mature then most adults I know. I’m more together then most adults I know. And this one problem is the only problem I have with my relationship. We live together in my parents house, we all get along just fabulously. I’ll be 18 in a few months. We plan on getting married as soon as I graduate from H.S., for lots of reasons. He’s going to support me in college and I’m going to live with him anyway, I figured I’d save my grandparents from freaking out and just marry him. I am not a wild child. I have 4.0 and before we moved I worked since I was 12. I have my own car, and the loan is in my name. And if one person, just one, tells me I’m too young, I swear to GOD I will burst into flames. I have been fighting age related stereotypes for about 3 years now, and hopefully I’m winning.
THough sometimes my youth does sneak it’s way past my guard, and manifests itself as insecurity. I need help getting over that insecurity, because quite frankly it’s quite a handicap. My BF does his level best, and I appreciate it. Because of him, I have been able to do some soul searching and as a result my self esteem as shot up tremedously.
Please, if you have something that will genuinely help me, by all means POST and LET ME KNOW! But if you are just gonna preach about how young I am, no thanks. I call my grandparents, they’ll be more then happy to oblige.

“Everybody’s got something to hide except for me and my monkey”-The Beatles

47

You’re more mature than most adults you know, but less mature than all of the adults I know. Not just because of your jealousy, either.

You started this thread, dropping little tidbits here & there. “Oh, by the way, it’s like this,” and “Oh, did I mention this?” You encouraged us to help you, and when we tried, you came up with every excuse in the book why our advice would not work, basically said you weren’t going to take our advice, then continued to ask for more. That is pathetically immature. Ask your grandparents. They’ll back me up on this one.

There’s nothing else we can really say except “grow up.” And while I do not yet believe you are a genuine troll, you are engaging in distictly troll-like behavior. So stop it, okay? If you really want good advice, this is the place to get it. But don’t string us along. There’s obviously a bunch of us here interested in giving you a hand, and we’ll continue to do so, as long as you act like the “very old seventeen” you claim to be.

Cristi, Slayer of Peeps

I made my husband join a bridge club. He jumps next Tuesday.

(title & sig courtesy of UncleBeer and WallyM7!)

48

So allow me to get this straight. I read this message board for quite some time before I register. Then I read it more before I began to post. Finally I come to the conclusion that the people on this message board are helpful people, who seem to care about others, and usually have something intelligent to say. So I figure, “What the hell? Let me see if I can get some advise from these people?” So I try. And when people make valid points, I consider them, think it over, and then respond with a counter point or an exception. I am in debate, it’s what I do. So because I do what comes naturally and what usually helps conversations along, I’m considered a troll. Thanks a lot. I really appreciate it. I didn’t come here to get attacked, and if you have a problem with me, take it to the Pit.
If there is anybody else here who ever has self-esteem problems, or relationship problems, or problems in general who remembers what it’s like to be in love for the first time, entering the “adult” world, then help me. If there are people who just think it’s fun to shoot people down, attack them, and be an all around pain in the neck, then don’t respond. Thanks for your time. :slight_smile:

49

Pepper…

With all due respect, Cristi did not attack you. I think you would have found the board to be a bit more receptive to this if you’d just been straight from the beginning. You said your boyfriend (just how old is he, anyway?) was still friends with his ex-girlfriend, whom you helped to bust up. That implies at the very least a commitment, if not a sexual relationship. Then later on you say, well, they were only sorta going out, really just friends, which did not earn you any maturity points round here. I know, I know, you’re not looking for them. But the implication of dishonesty in the OP will make everyone suspicious of what you have to say, cause each post reveals just a little bit more to the story, always changing it. So now we all sit here and wait for you to post another relevant fact which, had you posted it to start with, would probably have earned you a whole different set of responses from the people here. It gets a wee bit aggravating after a while.

Equating this to trolling is not such a stretch. The points you would remember in subsequent posts are points that should have been spelled out in the OP. Trolling can also be understood as stringing people along, which this thread has most assuredly done.

My advice for the next time would be, if you want the opinions of people here, to lay all your cards out up front.

That said, perhaps you really do know that he’s the one. But you said yourself he’s your first boyfriend, and thinking back to my first boyfriend, I knew he was the one, too. I have no clue where he is now. And, having just gone through a not-so-nasty but still very un-fun divorce, I would say that if he really is the one, waiting won’t kill either of you.

But, if you are determined to do this, get pre-Cana (or whatever your church has) counseling beforehand. In this situation that’s the best advice I can give. And maybe see the priest/minister/rabbi/whatever a few times on your own, too, because your apparent insecurity will not resolve itself.

Apologies for the long post, but I’ve been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

~Jez

50

Thanks, Jezebel! You said in a very matter-of-fact way what I was trying to say in the heat of frustration.

Pepperlandgirl, I did not ever say you were a troll. In fact, I stated quite clearly that I did not believe you were a troll, but you were “engaging in troll-like behavior.” I also stated very plainly that there are obviously many people here, myself included, who want to help you deal with the anger that you feel. But, like Jezebel said, you’ve got to be upfront, and give us the facts. Your OP implied that the girl in question had a pretty serious relationship with your boyfriend, and you didn’t tell us until several posts later that there wasn’t really a “history.” We based our responses on what you told us. Here I am thinking this guy’s just chomping at the bit to cheat on you, because you told me that he’d cheated on his last girlfriend. Well, he didn’t. You maded everyone in this thread that gave you advice related to him cheating on you think that your boyfriend was at worst, and abuser, and at best, just a scummy SOB. That’s not fair to us or your boyfriend.

Now do you see why we got a little honked off?

I still don’t think you’re a troll. I’ve seen a few of your posts in other threads, and you do have a great deal of potential. Just remember that if you start an advice thread, give us Dopers good information, right up front. We do understand that sometimes details get forgotten, and it’s perfectly alright to bring them up as soon as you rememember them. But the stuff you left out of your OP was pretty major.

So don’t stomp off, okay? Just accept that you may have whiffed this one, shake it off, and try again.

Cristi, Slayer of Peeps

I made my husband join a bridge club. He jumps next Tuesday.

(title & sig courtesy of UncleBeer and WallyM7!)

51

Golly gee, how did I ever guess you were “very young” if you have been showing yourself to be mature?

You really need to learn the difference between asking for advice and debating a topic.

Oh, and just for shits and giggles, where did you work when you were 12?

Pardon me while I burst into flames.

52

Jezebel, Cristi, thank you, your points are valid, and I realized my mistake in my OP. To me, an emotional commitment is more important then a physical one, and that is what I thought they essentially had. I failed to make the distinction because it never occurred to me to. Also, it seemed that I was leading you on because certain points that I made later didn’t occur to me to be important until after someone else said something. I am a newbie at this, and I’m unsure of what amount of information to add and what amount to hold back. That was my mistake, and thank you for calling me on it.
I know that “first love” is rarely “forever love”. I have changed since I first met my BF, and so has he. I was 15, he was 18. He’s 20 now. I’ll be different tomorrow then I was yesterday, and so will he. So far we have only changed and grown closer not farther apart. My grandma fell in love with my grandpa when she was 14, married him at 16, and they’ve been together for nearly 50 years now. So I know it’s not impossible.
Just for kicks and giggles, I worked for my grandparents, cleaning out their horse stalls. It was hard, but it was fun, and the best job I’ve ever had. I made a whole $5-10 every week in the winter when I worked for an hour on Saturdays and about $120 in the summer when I worked every evening for an hour or so. I did that for two years until I was old enough to get a job in a restaraunt.

53

So, let me get this straight. Your first job was shoveling shit? I’m sorry but I found this REALLY funny, especially after all the ‘bull’ you seem to have given us.

Sorry pepper, but I just couldn’t resist! :stuck_out_tongue:

54

Ha ha. Yeah, my first job WAS shoveling shit. So I could get used to assholes like you.

Sorry couldn’t resist. :stuck_out_tongue:

55

woooooo. No I don’t think that you are a troll either. But there are a lot of details that you finally ended up giving that you waited until the last minute to give.
I’m at a loss here. To begin with, I don’t know of any state in the US that will let a 17-year-old enter into a legal contract, 18 is the age for that and I know that from experience. What parents would let a 17 year-old live with her bf in their house? If your bf is a manager at K-Mart’s then he is quite a bit older than you. It takes some experience and education to make it to manager of any type of chain store that huge. How are you paying all the bills when you live in someone else’s house? Do you have a separate phone line?
I give up on this one.

** Sigh. So many men, so few who can afford me ** Original by Wally

I’ve learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.

56

…and to think in the back of my mind I originally gave this thread a 4 post maximum… :slight_smile:

57

A.) Once a cheater, always a cheater.

B.) You say that the only reason he left GF #1 for you was because you initiated it. Who’s to say that she isn’t initiating it now? How does that make it not his fault? She has nothing to loose, she’s potentially very angry at you, and possibly at him. What better way to enact revenge then the break up your relationship?

C.) You have said that you know that he is not cheating on you now because “I trust him.” If you trusted him, you wouldn’t be going though his e-mail and phone records.

D.) Even if he ISN’T cheating on you (Opalcat had a good point back there,) he will continue to be friends with her, and potentially other women. I have found that men who have platonic relationships with women tend to have more than one. Are you prepared to suspect every single friendship he will ever be in?

E.) You’re 17. Do not get married any time soon, especially to this guy. If you can’t have a committed, trusting relationship, a marriage with those traits is impossible.

A little persistance goes a long way. Announcing:

“I go on guilt trips a couple of time a year. Mom books them for me.” A custom made Wally .sig!

58

OK I hate to do this really, but when I see shit like this I gotta point it out.

  1. The OP of His ex-GF and then the backtrack to never his gf, just a friend, he was a virgin when we hooked up, he cheated on her with me, blah blah blah, has already been pointed out.

He takes care of you? Sounds like Mom and Dad take care of you to me. I’m sorry this is all just too wishy washy. I read a couple times and there are holes in this story abound. I’m not suggesting that it’s not true, it’s just hard to offer advice when the story changes nine times. This relationship doesn’t sound like a loving one to me, it sounds like a bunch of manipulation and dependence and convenience, in other words it sounds destined to fail.
Another piece of advice, You will get along alot further in life if you are honest and open from the get-go, be it on this board, in your relationships, whatever, hiding info and holding info, what purpose does it serve other than to make you look untrustworthy or sneaky?

Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.

59

Ok, since some of you question, here it is.
My BF is 20. He has a relationship with his ex, who moved to Canada. They are still friends, and I have always felt threatened by her. That is why this thread got started. Not to mention, of the three of us, I’m two years everybody’s junior, so she doesn’t take me seriously anyway. I was 15 at the time, then we hooked up. He lived on his own, and worked at K-Mart.
Then my parents dropped the bomb on me. We were moving to CA. So I said, “I don’t want to go because I’d like to finish High School with my friends. I don’t want to leave my junior year. Also, I really don’t want to leave my BF behind either. I genuinely love him” My parents said, “If he can get a job and pay rent, he can come with us. The house will be big enough.” So that’s what we did. He moved to CA with us, lives with us, and works at K-Mart. He is not a store manager, he is a dept. manager.
He DOES take care of me. True my mom buys food/pays the mortgage payment. However, we have our own seperate account and our own seperate bills. Including car paymets, and credit cards. He also pays all my school fees, and buys my clothes, etc etc. This is his ‘rent’. I WOULD do this myself, but after we moved my dad said, “Haley, you don’t have to work. Just try to get a 4.0 and a scholarship.” So that’s what happened, otherwise I would pay for everything myself, because if I buy my own things with my own money, mom doesn’t have a problem with the clothes I wear, what I listen to etc etc.
This is not a relationship out of convienence.
You don’t have to believe this I guess. I have hard time convincing people I go to school with right now that is what is going on. They don’t believe me till they meet him, or come to the house and he answers the door.

I’m beginning to be sorry I ever brought up, and I apologize to people who are upset at me for leaving info out, or not providing enough. I’m sorry if anybody thinks I’m full of shit, or not worth time, or immature or whatever. I really am. I just wanted some advise and help.
Thanks to everybody who DID provide me with advise that I could use. Believe it or not A LOT of you did, and I appreciate it. I guess I should have thanked you sooner. I don’t have names right now, but I will name everybody next time I post. I know off the top of my head tht Cristi and Jezebel did. :slight_smile:

“Everybody’s got something to hide except for me and my monkey”-The Beatles

60

Whatever… I’ve been called worse. :rolleyes: