The word ‘Young’, here, is not quantity, but quality, as in inexperienced, which you already says is true, pepper.
ROFL. Nothing to say, just that. Wow, this made me laugh. Not only do most states not let 17 year olds marry, they don’t let them have sex. Especially not with 20 year olds.
Okay, so I do have something to say.
You don’t sound like a ‘very old’ 17 year old to me. You sound like an insecure, first love, jealous child. You’ve been checking on him and it sounds like you’ll continue to. You changed facts and made excuses until you got the advice you wanted (Stay with him but check on him a whole lot). I won’t tell you you’re too young, others already have, and you’ll probably realize it later.
I don’t foresee him putting up with it for very long. Either you trust him (I wouldn’t), or you get rid of him. Jealousy and love don’t go together in any form, regardless of the tripe that fills the literature.
I sold my soul to Satan for a dollar. I got it in the mail.
So, because he lives in my house with my parents and myself, we are having sex. Hmmm, would this be before my parents go to sleep in the next room, or after? (We have no doors in our house) Or how about when my two little sisters are home? (Again no doors) Oh wait, I KNOW. It’s when I gave up everything I ever believed in (Morals, religion, values, God) and committed a horrible sin. Just because SOME people on this board have no morals don’t group everybody in the same category. Obviously most people here cannot understand how someone could love someone else without fucking them. Or maybe anybody under the age of 18 is loose and easy without an ounce of common sense? Sorry Surgoshan, not everybody here has the morals of an alley cat like yourself.
“Everybody’s got something to hide except for me and my monkey”-The Beatles
“People try to tell me thoughts they cannot defend…” The Moody Blues
“To start, press any key. Where’s the any key?” Homer Simpson.
Sorry I have to add my two cents…
- you are extremely young. I know I am extremely young as well, at 22 years. No 17 year old (or even my friends from high school, who are my age and married) needs to be married at this point in time. Whats the rush?
- I have had a similar situation. My first boyfriend (when i was 19, him 21) had these two “friends” who were girls, who he grew up with, who were like his sisters, blah blah blah. I immediately had a deep disliking for both of them but I never let on to my boyfriend the whole time we went out. Turns out I was right for hating them (well, at least one of them) because about 8 months after going out with him…i got DUMPED for one of these “friends” that were girls, and I’m still recovering (3 years later…). If you can’t handle this girl, and your bf and her are very good friends, its probably only going to get worse.
- To go back to the men and women can’t be friends debate, I believe that more mature men and women can be simply friends with no romantic interest whatsoever…but regarding people in my age category and younger, it usually does not happen that way. I know it, I’ve seen it.
“I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t, i mean s-m-a-r-t”
Well, pepperlandgirl, if you’ve managed to avoid the sexual relationship, more power to you. It is to be commended in this day and age. I sometimes wish I’d waited.
Your situation is somewhat uncommon. I would imagine that you’re used to the incredulity that marks people’s reactions to you, though I’m sure it doesn’t make it any less aggravating. But you’re probably going to continue hearing it until the situation changes, so you might as well just learn to suck it up when people hear your story.
Still think you should wait. Won’t hurt, might do you a world of good. But in the end only you can make that decision, and it might be the right one, who knows? My brother is married to his high school girlfriend (two years younger than he is), but they had a time apart not too long after she graduated. And my dad is now married to his high school girlfriend, though their separation was 35 years. Don’t really recommend that.
Course, now that I’ve wandered way off topic, let’s see what I was going to say. Oh, yes. You need to get a handle on the jealousy and insecurity, otherwise it will drive you insane (or make you petty and bitter and turn you into a shrew) and drive him away. However you do it, you need to do it.
Past tense.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.
HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa.
These are the days of our lives…
Pepperlandgirl has asked that this thread be closed. If everyone has had their say, I’ll be happy to do that.
your humble TubaDiva
Administrator
The Straight Dope
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- I am consistently amazed that most women can/will count the days/weeks/months since they started dating someone (20 months-is a relationship like a child? you don’t start counting years until it’s at least two?). Most guys will usually remember (about) when and where they first met a g/f, but you’re lucky to get anything more than that out of them. - MC
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I have a question. Since when did this become a teeny bopper advice column?
Just wondering…
When you know that your time is close at hand
Maybe then you’ll begin to understand
Life down here is just a strange illusion
All the best, pepperlandgirl, you got some good advice here. You will grow and mature and change a bunch over the next few years. I hope everything works out for you and your BF.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.
I think you should not close it Tuba. Its got lots of interesting information in it.
I just couldn’t date a woman who doesn’t have a Target card!
“‘How do you know I’m mad’ said Alice.
'You must be, ’ said the Cat, ‘or you wouldn’t have come here.’”
Well, psycat already pointed out that little tidbit, so looks like I don’t need to point out the little inconsistency.
I sold my soul to Satan for a dollar. I got it in the mail.
I think most of what needs to be said has already been said, but hey, I can’t resist throwing in, even at this late date. And no, I don’t think this thread should be closed; it’s ranged pretty far and wide, and there’s the possibility that people other than pepper-girl might learn something from it.
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I got married two weeks before I turned 29. As I was growing up, I carefully watched everyone around me, and how their inability to manage romantic attachments was screwing up their lives. My mom had me when she was 19, then divorced when she was 30. She then went through a succession of true losers before finding my current stepfather; they’ve been together 15 years. As soon as they got married, my dad felt the need to demonstrate he was just as successful at “moving on,” and immediately got married to someone else too. Add in all the other craziness in everyone else I looked at, and I made myself the promise when I was 15 that I wouldn’t even think about getting married until I had my shit together. In my mind, that meant I’d be 30; turns out I got lucky a year in advance, and I couldn’t be happier. Sure, I fooled around before that, and had a succession of girlfriends, but I was careful that it never, ever got truly serious, to the point of discussing marriage. I knew I’d get to it when I was ready, and I knew that I, like most people, wasn’t ready. The only difference was that I acknowledged it.
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Get over the jealousy. Men and women can be friends, despite what the cow-god asserts. I know, with your 17-year-old hormones, it doesn’t seem like that’s possible, but it absolutely is. Men of a certain maturity are not just interested in nailing women. Some men, admittedly, never achieve that level of maturity; some achieve it early. Drop your jealousy and evaluate seriously whether or not your boyfriend is one of those types. The fact that (as you say) he hasn’t had sex with you yet and still wants to marry you suggests that he is not in fact a hound dog, though it’s hard to create a psychological profile based on a few hundred words in a chat thread. (And shame on everyone who has made similar concrete and inarguable diagnoses and pronouncements about the character of this guy you’ve never met.)
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Concrete example from my own life. In college, I dated a classmate. She cheated on me. I told her that was unacceptable, and cut off contact. But because of our close-knit group of shared acquaintances, even after graduation, she was always there, one or two connections away, a friend of a friend. Eventually, I re-evaluated the situation. She was a good person who had made that choice, thereby hurting me. She had never done that before, and further, she had married the guy she cheated with, so it wasn’t just a fling; she was serious, and I happened to be the unlucky one. I made the choice to allow her back into my life, as a friend. And what’s more, I introduced her to my then-fiancee-now-wife, not to mention the new guy, and we’re all pretty good friends. I wouldn’t call us tremendously close, but there’s a comfort and acceptance and trust that comes with openness, communication, and maturity. None of us is going to cheat with anyone else; we’ve been there, done that, and learned our lesson.
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That doesn’t mean staying friends is always a good solution. My brother is a hopeless sad sack; he’s been with at least two girlfriends who cheated on him and ended up marrying the guys they cheated with, who also happened to be friends of his (double ouch). He tries to stay friends with all of them, which may reflect a certain level of maturity, except that none of them has really moved past anything: He’s still in love with at least one of the women, and he has to fend off the advances of the other one. Truly sad and twisted.
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You have a choice. You need to go deeply introspective and identify the root causes of your jealousy. Either you really do have something to fear, which means you should dump the guy instantly, or you’re freaking out over nothing. In the second instance, you can either keep doing what you’re doing, which will ultimately doom the relationship (and it’ll be your fault), or you can get counseling, whether from a priest or a psychologist (or, better yet, both) to get over your issues.
I speak from experience. It is possible to get a grip on yourself and move beyond negative thoughts, feelings, and experiences. But YOU have to take responsibility for it. You cannot change another person. The only person you can change is yourself. Period. Let me repeat that for you, because it’s a lesson I didn’t learn until well after I passed my 17th year. You cannot change another person. The only person you can change is yourself.
And that’s all I have to say on the matter.
Movie Geek Central – Reviews, news, analysis, and more! http://moviegeek.homestead.com
That’s ALL you have to say? Jesus. Sure you couldn’t expand a little? A man of few words, eh?
I sold my soul to Satan for a dollar. I got it in the mail.
And whatever you do, don’t listen to that person that’s saying guys don’t have friends of the opposite sex, just people they want to fuck and are trying to fuck. Lindsay, I think it was, is wrong. I know. I’m a guy.
I sold my soul to Satan for a dollar. I got it in the mail.
Thank you Cervaise!!! I appreciate everything you said and how you said it. It made a lot of sense to me, and was basically what I was looking for when I started this thread. Thank you, I appreciate it so much. And thank you to the rest of you that had many of the same answers throughout the post. I appreciate it, I truly do.
Thank you Jezebel too. I appreciate what you said as well, and the fact that you (appear to) believe me. =)
I did ask for this thread to be closed, but I guess it doesn’t matter if it is or not. If you guys would rather not have it closes, then I retract my request. =)
“Everybody’s got something to hide except for me and my monkey”-The Beatles
“People try to tell me thoughts they cannot defend…” The Moody Blues
“To start, press any key. Where’s the any key?” Homer Simpson.
Okay, this is going to sound mean, and I’m sorry. Let me first acknowledge a few things, foremost that A. I don’t know the whole story, only what I have read here. And B. I don’t know pepperland or her bf at all.
Now that that’s out of the way, let me say this:
He should dump your ass. AND run. Run far, run fast, get the hell away. From what I’ve read you sound like just the type of insecure psycho who’s behaviour is going to get old real soon and then be impossible to get rid of.
It doesn’t sound like you have a healthy relationship, it doesn’t sound like you are prepared to deal with the realities of one.
You admit to snooping, which in my book is defined as looking at his personal stuff without his knowledge, and this is a sign of little or no or bad communication between you.
You seem to be obsessed with his ex and his friendship with her. You seem to want to limit who he can talk to and who he can’t, which is a bad thing to try to do to anyone.
You seem like a spoiled littel bitch with a penchant for controlling people and situations (possibly because you don’t feel in control of yourself and this confuses you), who is capable of very bad things when “crossed” as you put it.
All these factors when added up come to one inevitable sum:
Psycho Hose Beast.
So, no offense, but I hope for his sake he dumps you like a load of bricks and runs his ass off.
Again, this is based in whole on my opinions of what has been posted here, nothing more, so I could be (and probably am) way off base, so I am sorry that you are-probably-offended. I know I sound like a dick, but this is how the situation strikes me.
Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.
I’ve been reading this thread for the last hour and I have three comments:
1.) 17 is much too young to be thinking about getting married. You need to finish H.S. and go to college and experience a little bit of life first! You can still be together and in love without getting married right away. What’s the rush!
2.) Let your bf continue to be friends with this girl. She’s in Canada for heavens sake. You just need to get over it and be secure in the fact that he loves you. If it bothers you so much that you can’t ever get over it, you need to end the relationship and move on! And if he ends up cheating on you &/or dumping you… oh well, his loss. It wasn’t meant to be. Besides, you don’t need a man to make your life complete!!
3.) Men and women can be friends!! One of my best friends is a guy. He’s easier to talk to than my girlfriends sometimes plus I get the male perspective on things. My ex-husband couldn’t deal with the fact that Terry and I were friends so for the 2 years I was married, Terry and I drifted apart. Now, since I’m divorced and have a boyfriend who doesn’t mind me having male friends, Terry and I are just as close as ever.
Pepperlandgirl… follow your heart and your instincts. If something doesn’t feel right,(i.e. his “friendship with his ex”) it’s probably not right and you’re just avoiding the inevitable. Good Luck.
That John Denver’s full of shit man!
Okay, let me get this straight.
Your boy-friend moved to California with your family. He had to go through the hassle of changing jobs, changing stores, moving into a new place, leaving behind all of his old friends, trying to make new ones, and now lives with you, your parents, and your two little sisters in a place he’s paying rent for even though there are no doors (and ergo, no privacy).
And you’re not having sex with him.
Young lady, this man is absolutely devoted to you if he is/was willing to do/have done all of that just to stay with you in a chaste relationship. If the two of you were running through condoms like they were Kleenex, I could understand a young two-timer travelling cross-country to keep up with his steady source of nookie, but not for a chaste relationship.
So far, you’ve portrayed him as a saint, and you as paranoid for believing that he might be stolen away from him.
You sound insecure. And speaking from long experience, your fear of losing him is causing you to do things that will drive him away. You want to prove to yourself that he isn’t cheating. You might as well want to prove your yourself that every crow is black. Sure, every one you’ve seen so far is black, but that doesn’t keep the next one from being black, so you have to keep searching. By that same token, you haven’t proven that he’s been cheating on you, but that doesn’t mean that he hasn’t been, so your overwhelming fears that he can’t really love someone as ugly/fat/stupid as you combined with an overwhelming desire to bolster your low self-esteem by finding some obvious, eternal proof of his devotion combine to make you snoop his stuff and keep an eye on him like he were a prisoner trying to escape his cell. And if you keep looking at him like he is a prisoner, eventually, he’ll start feeling like one, and then BAM! he’s going to run out on you.
So. My advice.
Deal with your self-esteem. Assume his love- and his fidelity- as a given for now, until you can get to the point where you can look at the relationship objectively. But right now, you’re going to jump to whatever conclusions your timid ego demands, and you’re going to screw yourself.
JMCJ
“Y’know, I would invite y’all to go feltch a dead goat, but that would be abuse of a perfectly good dead goat and an insult to all those who engage in that practice for fun.” -weirddave, set to maximum flame