Wow, I just spent half an hour writing this only for StraightDope to log me out when I submitted it… aaaaagh. So here I am writing it for the second time.
Okay, so I recently introduced my girlfriend to Facebook (it’s all the craze here) and I left her a couple of comments, pokes and Facebook gifts. However, she hasn’t replied to any of my things and when I read her comment wall, I find one from a guy that ends in “[…] love you lots x” and he gave her a Facebook “kiss” using the Superpoke application.
Just a little background info, we’re very close when we’re together and all our family and friends know about us. She’s even told me she loves introducing me to her family/friends.
I’ve had several relationships but I’ve never felt this strongly about a girl before so I’m a little paranoid about this kind of situation. But I’m just wondering when can seeing “love you lots” and internet kisses from another guy to my girlfriend I love, ever be a good thing. She’s gorgeous and popular and I know she’s received offers from other guys (which she turned down of course) and she’s had no history of cheating either.
We’ve had one rocky period when I went away for 2 months (due to my gap year) and contact was a bit lacking between us during that period.
What do you Dopers think? Any thoughts will be appreciated.
I wouldn’t assume it meant anything, because people generate a lot of pseudo-intimacy in these online flirting venues. “Love you lots” is probably hyperbole. The guy might very well be hitting on your GF, but that doesn’t mean she’s done a whole lot to encourage him. This is not to say she definitely hasn’t, but it would probably be counterproductive to approach her as if she’s done something wrong. Go into it with a light-hearted attitude when you ask her about it and try to rein in your paranoia, which is natural but which might alienate her, if she thinks you are accusing her of something.
I had a look at her comments wall again only to find that all my posts and the posts from that guy have been deleted! Only the posts before the ones that were deleted remain. Now I’m definitely starting to worry, I think she thinks I haven’t seen them. Here is the convo where I ask her about it:
Me: Is everything okay? It’s just that you seem a little distant.
Gf: Yep soz
Me: You sure there’s nothing on your mind?
Me: Heya, btw what happened to the comments I left you on Facebook?
Gf: I deleted them lol
Me: Er… how come?
Gf: I just have done 'cause I do.
Me: Oh… just seems a bit strange, that’s all.
Me: How come you didn’t reply to my comments ay?
Gf: This aint the spanish inquisition Gf logs off without saying goodbye 5 minutes after she says this
Earlier on in that conversation it was very one-way traffic in the sense that I was making all the effort and she was only replying with one word answers. This just seems so strange to me, only two days earlier we were having a romantic picnic under the stars, and also, online normally we always says goodbye to each other and everything is good. This is so abnormal. As you can tell, my questioning got nowhere…
You see how I approached it light-heartedly with the smileys? I was afraid that it may come across as an accusation, that was one of my fears. But the conversation just seems to confirm it. And also, Facebook has all the News Feeds, and I see things like “Sarah has tickled Bob”, “Sarah has danced with Bob” using the SuperPoke application.
On the surface I’d have to say she’s getting ready to dump you, or at least is going through a period of confusion about whether she wants to be with you. Further information, such as how long you’ve been together, if you say “I love you” to each other, how old you both are, etc., may change my answer or may not.
Are you a very jealous person? Would she feel the need to automatically delete any questionable remarks from other men even if it meant nothing?
I recognize myself at your age, so I say this not to be harsh.
A little tough love? You’re being annoying. I did the same thing and my girlfriend dumped me because I was being annoying. It’s one of those things I look back at now and cringe at the way I acted.
She is going to have other guy friends. She might even fall in love with one of them and leave you for him. There is nothing that you can do about it but be the best person for her that you can be. But, being paranoid and bugging her about it is not going to stop anything. This is the bargain you make when you agree to fall in love.
That’s not to say you can’t tell her that this kind of thing makes you uncomfortable, but once you discuss it, let it go. If she respects you she will cut it out. If she doesn’t cut it out, you have to make a call as to whether it’s a deal breaker or not.
Maybe she’s just being moody, but it sure seems like there’s a lack of interest on her part. I’d hope and try for the best, but be prepared for the worst. I have to say that from your description of her behavior, and that conversation, I’d say that you might end up single soon. Depending on how things develop, you might even be the one making that decision.
The smilies don’t make your line of questioning less irritating. I felt annoyed by it and I wasn’t even the one being interrogated. The words “What, are you checking up on me?”, “So what if I cleaned up my comments page?” and “Get over it” all spring to mind
In itself, the “love you lots” comment strikes me as completely harmless. In the last couple of years I’ve had a couple of online “friendships” where we are extravagant in our gestures towards each other and speak as though we are beloved, lifelong best buddies but we actually don’t know each other all that well - even for online pals. It’s just the way some people talk and act online and I don’t take it seriously.
(…and I find it very hard to get worried that someone is SuperPoking someone else too much but…) is she initiating the contact, or is she responding in kind? Sometimes Facebook apps are a way of keeping in touch with people you can’t actually be bothered writing a whole email to or chatting to on IM, but you still feel the need to let them know you’re still alive/thinking of them/whatever. If Bob is responding to Sarah’s pokes, maybe she feels like she needs to keep the game going. Regardless, it’s hardly intimate contact.
Ok, from your conversation with her I guess something is up. It seems like she was being distant (from the small snippet you posted). I wouldn’t jump to dramatic conclusions just yet though - it’s nothing that couldn’t be explained away by having a bad day, being preoccupied with work/study/etc or something like that. You don’t need to hit the panic stations just yet. Be there for her if she needs to talk but don’t make her feel like you’re checking up on her - don’t ask her any more questions about her Facebook profile or interactions. Maybe there is something going on with her, but I think your only option right now is to wait and see.
One more piece of advice. Be willing to break up with her.
Sounds like you are the submissive one in this relationship. She has all the power. That sort of relationship can’t last. It’s the kind of relationship that I have with my dog. I can give him scraps from the table because he will be there for me nomatter what I do.
She has to know that you’re willing to leave her. I hate to pull the “there’s other fish in the sea” line, but it’s true. If the relationship ends, it will suck. But the vast majority of relationships end at your age. The chances that this is the woman you will grow old and die with are slim. Even slimmer if you are a pet rather than an equal partner.