Girlfriend made a new guy friend online and I don't like it...

In My Humble Opinion
1

So I have been with my Girl for almost 2 years. We live pretty close to each other. I work 6 days a week but see her 5 or so nights every week.

I first got concerned with how she was behaving when she had mentioned to me that she had been on chat sites talking to guys who opened the conversation asking if she was horny. She told me she never really spoke to those guys but really liked all the male attention. She admitted to speaking with random guys for hours on end up past 3 am in the morning.

I spoke to her about it and she, after a bit of persuasion decided it was a good idea to stop visiting those sites. I trust that she has honored her word…

But more recently she has found a guy on another site. This one is half way across the world and since speaking with her has found a girlfriend of his own.

What worries me is all the pet names he uses when talking to her, he is very flirtatious (she has shown me some of their comment threads in the past) and when I voice my concerns she always dismisses what I say and mention I am so cute when I am jealous.

More recently however she has been talking to him most of the way through the night, putting off important things she needs to get done to speak with him, and has what seems like a greater desire to speak with him more and more, and move their conversations to video and voice.

She tells me she is speaking with him less but I have been on her facebook, (which she knows I have access to) and I see just as many messages between them as ever… She goes to him to talk about the few bumps or problems her and I are going through which I am not very happy about seeing she should be going to her close best friends with that, or better still come to me.

Finally with him he mentions quite a bit how much he would love to come and visit her one day… something about that doesn’t sit right with me.

I am worried that even if nothing will ever happen physically or emotionally between them, she is craving a lot of male attention outside of myself and willingly goes out to seek it.

I guess I want to know if I am justified to feel the way I do about this, and what I should do. I have had an ex in the past be like her, craving male attention, but she befriended a co-worker and I found out she was sleeping with him while she was dating me, which is what ended us when I found out… SO I know I’ve been burnt and I don’t want to hold my ex’s sins against my girlfriend but that said I don’t want to turn a blind eye if she is in the wrong… Any help would be appreciated.

2

You decide if you can live with it or can’t. If you can’t, you break up with her.

There are no ultimatiums. She is not your possession. You do not control her behavior. You simply say “this is unacceptable to me, I’m leaving this relationship.”

Or you let her do what she is doing.

You have expressed your concern, she is not changing her behavior. Dude, she’s not that into you.

3

+1

4

Back in the misspent days of my dating youth, had I said this to any of my girlfriends I might well be walking with a limp to this day.

+1 more. She’s either not into you, or not listening to you. If there’s a difference.

5

Sorry to say this but the odds of this working out for you are slim at best.
I’d confront her and maybe give her one more shot - then you just need to ask yourself just how much getting trampled on you’re going to put up with before you do the right thing.

6

It’s one thing to just talk to online friends who happen to be male. I do have male online friends and I’m not interested in any of them. However, the way your GF is going about this does sound concerning. I don’t let my male friends call me “pet names” or flirt with me.
If you think this relationship is worth trying to save it, maybe you could try talking to her about if there is something that she is lacking in the relationship and if she is willing to see a counselor to try to air out these issues.

7

Obviously this girl is not making you happy with this behaviour. You’ve talked about it with her and she won’t stop because…??? Because she doesn’t care enough about you to stop spending time with other men. If you like her enough to let her walk all over you, get one of your friends to smack you for me. Life is too short to spend time with someone* who just doesn’t care*.

8

There would be no way for me to see that as anything other than the beginning of the end of the relationship.

9

I think you’ve done everything you can do other than just end things with her. I think some girls really just like flirting, and don’t ever “intend” to do anything more than just seek attention. This bothers you and you’ve asked for it to stop… and she seems to understand your point of view but continues to do it anyway. It sounds like you two just have a fundamental difference of opinion. That is, she thinks flirting is harmless and you think flirting is wrong. She doesn’t seem to want to change, so you can try to persuade her, or you can get out of the relationship and find someone who doesn’t like attention-seeking and flirting.

10

What could possibly set off your suspicions about all this?

11

To be honest, I am starting to see behaviors from my girlfriend which I had with my ex before I found out she was cheating on me.

It may a good time to mention that I am my girlfriends first boyfriend, and I have been her first everything, first kiss ect… She didn’t show any of these flirtatious behaviors before I asked her out BUT she has grown up a lot over the past 2 years. She finished school a month or so after we started dating and she is now in her second year of college.

I suspect that after we started dating and she became a lot more confident with me, she worked out that guys were not all that scary and has been a lot more friendly with guys. She did have a few close guy friends before I came into the picture but she mentioned she was always too shy to be to close to speak to much to any of them. I don’t know where I am going with this… I’ll go think some more.

12

What you’ve described is a textbook emotional affair. There’s no reason to think that she’s having a physical affair, but if she’s spending less time with you then the outcome is very similar. She’s done this with multiple guys; she isn’t going to stop.

You can’t make her change. If you insist hard enough, you might get her to start lying to you, but I doubt that’s a result you desire. So, either you can change and be accepting of what she’s choosing to do, or you can walk.

If I were you, I’d walk. But it’s your decision. People change a LOT at her age. Try not to take it personally. If you feel up to dating again anytime soon, you could try aiming for someone with more emotional maturity. I look back on how I acted in my first “real” relationship and it *still *makes me cringe. I was a very stupid child at 20.

13

In other words; you turned her out.

14

+346, for all the lurkers just sitting there nodding their heads.

It’s possible but doubtful that she wants to experience intimacy with other men on a pretend level. It’s more likely that she wants to be free to choose. I know it isn’t easy but you need to ask her straight out what she really wants. The hardest questions are the ones we really don’t want answered. Here’s wishing you well.

15

You’re 24 and she is what 19?

I’d be off like a robbers dog- you know, about 50% of Australians have vaginas.

16

She’s already in the “look for a new guy before i move on” mode.

17

If you want a mature relationship, pick a mature woman to have it with. If you date nineteen year olds who haven’t dated, expect them to grow and move on.

It is NORMAL for people to want to try on different people. I do have a friend who fell in love with his girlfriend when she was sixteen (and he was 21 or 22) and they have been happily married for 20 years now. But they are the exception.

18

Thanks, I’m having a rough morning and I needed a good laugh :smiley:

19

Sounds to me that shes found that she enjoys male attention, shes practicing online and I wouldn’t be stunned with amazement if she soon starts acting the same in the real world.

Its not you, its her, and she’ll be the same with the next bloke, and then the next,and so on, until people get sick of her .

And then no doubt it will be the shocked innocence , “But I was only talking to him, I didn’t encourage him whatsoever, we’re only friends etc.etc.etc.”

I’ve seen it often; and being an old cynic tell them to take a hike when they try playing their p.t. games with me.

Personally I’d drop her like a hot potato, don’t make a big emotional episode out of it when you do so, and don’t get softened up by the phony tears she’s like to switch on at the time.

Bringing her back to the real world might change her life around but I doubt it.

Sorry if I sound harsh but I’ve seen it all too many times, done to all to many good men.

And I’ve seen the aftermath where they’ve been messed up by silly girls playing games.

20

Its not so much the flirting, its the lack of honesty that’s the problem.

Lying in this situation is either a power play, or just plain deception. There are reasons to lie in a relationship but this is not one of the better ones.

What she has done is poison your relationship, you are now asking questions all the time, your trust has gone. The trouble is, when this happens you look for flaws in lots of different aspects and you will always find them - because everybody has flaws. You are now in the process of building a wall with each brick being a lie, or a distortion or whatever.

I’ve have seen a couple of divorces result from this scenario and my advice is that you get out before you invest yourself into a lot of pain.

Yes you could look for solutions, such as trying to go out more with each other and paying her a lot more attention, and it might work - ask yourself why it is that she seems to have changed her focus from you - perhaps you are partly responsible.This second solution is hard work, so it really depends upon what you are prepared to put into it. If you find you can’t invest so much of yourself then you will lose this relationship.

Nothing is certain either way, leave her or love her, both could be bad choices but make your decision fully and commit to it.