Yes, this, totally. If this (her growing and changing) is what is really going on, there’s nothing wrong or unexpected about it, and I don’t think there’s any blame to be assigned either. What she needs to be aware of, and (unfortunately) you’re in a position to help her realize, is that her behaviors do have consequences: as casdave said, flirting is fine, but lack of honesty (with oneself, as well as with others) is not OK. She may just be at the point where she’s learning to sort all of this out.
It sounds like the kindest thing for both of you would be to have a heart-to-heart talk about it and then move on.
Something emotionally has already happened between them. It sounds like it bothers you, but at the same time it doesn’t sound like she’s hiding it from you…so that’s something. You might ask her why she’s more comfortable talking with him than you about things. She already recognizes your jealosy, but she thinks it’s cute. You need to be open with her about how you honestly feel and see if you two can respect each other’s needs. Best of luck.
Sounds like she has you pegged at less than zero, Mate, so, don’t bother asking/telling her anything about what she does.
I wouldn’t be too sure about that ‘first’ business, either. (Speculation, on this…)
Can’t see where you’re going to come out any kind of winner.
While you’re thinking some more, ask yourself why is she doing this? Ask yourself “Why would I (yourself) be doing this?”, if you were to do it. The answer is: the old brush off is coming down the pike.
Start shopping for another girl, while you can still flaunt this one.
I whole-heartedly second what **FlyingRat **posted…I’ve been the girl in this scenario, albeit without the online relationship, and it’s just part of growing up and learning to behave in a mature manner.
She’s not acting very respectfully towards you. In my opinion, the reason you’re not liking her behaviour is because she isn’t behaving very well, not because there’s something wrong with you.
ETA: If she wants lots of attention from lots of guys, I’d free her up to go get it.
Wow I totally forgot about this thread…
If any of you were interested in knowing what happened here is an update.
We are still together, I decided to go to her again and tell her straight how it made me feel and that I didn’t like what was going on…
Told her she needed to stop it. And she said she would… It has been months since I wrote that post and she hasn’t gone back to him or any other guy at all… Don’t get me wrong she still has friends but it is clear to me that she is trying her best to make sure I am the most important, and only important male in her life.
Sorry for disapointing the lot of you who didn’t think we would last, and for anyone who wanted a happy ending, this one is for you guys.
Congrats! I used to have a flirty friend online that my boyfriend was real wary of. I took it in stride, as I definitely wasn’t interested in the online thing, and didn’t realize until later just what a sneaky bastard this online ‘friend’ really was. My sweetie telling me just how much he didn’t like it opened up our relationship to more honesty, though, and that’s a good thing. Your girl might just have needed to have an adult show her what an adult relationship is really like, and actually require her to conform. Even if you guys don’t work out, she’s learned from you, so…congratulations
I’m really glad to hear that. So, are you taking her word for it, that she’s stopped messing around online, or are you checking? She could have gone one of two ways - stopped doing it when you talked to her, or kept doing it and hid it from you better. I’m a little bit suspicious that just asking her to stop behaviour that she was getting benefits from was effective.
She now speaks to him very little, when she does she tells me all about it, even gets me to read their conversations each time on all the mediums she used to chat with him… It is no longer unhealthy and I worry about it 0% now (:
We really have learnt a lot from this and grown a lot stronger because of it as well.
And to answer your question I have worked with her to achieve other things that can keep her busy, she is working more, spending more time with female friends and more time in her uni/college course. We didn’t just take this away and leave her with nothing to replace it, I know that would not have worked at all!
Whatever change in the relationship she’s looking for here, there are better ways to accomplish, i.e., with your active involvement. If this were an entrenched relationship I’d say find out what outcome she wants and work with her on that (or some approximation) without her doing it in this way. But after two years, especially if you’re not living together, just walk away.
That said …
Sometimes it helps to have an outside perspective on these things, though ideally from a supportive but neutral party. Which, after all, is what you’re seeking here.
I’m glad things are working out for you. The part that I wouldn’t stand for is where you want to be the only important male in her life. If my partner ever said that to me I’d tell him to fuck off. Gender is not a deciding factor in who is important in my life.
