This is the situtation. I’ve had a massive crush on a friend of mine for ages. We get on really well but it seems he is just not interested “that way”. Considering some circumstances this is probably for the best and I’m managing to deal with it relatively well.
So the crush has recently gotten a new girlfriend who is not from around here and who has moved in with him. It hurt for a bit, but I’m fine with it now. I’m friendly with her when we all meet up in a group and have no problem with that.
However, since we’re in a small town and crushman is quite a bit older than either me or the friend, there isn’t that much of a natural peergroup/ready made circle of friends for her, so off late she has been very obviously interested in becoming better friends than just “social acquaintances” with me. She also sometimes tells me about some of the problems she and crushman have.
Now I do have a problem with this. She is very likeable and if she was anyone else GF or single I’d jump at the chance to be friends with her. But the situation being what it is I feel a hypocrite because I basically have designs on her man. Okay, these designs are very likely to be theoretical, but I would still go there like a shot. On top of that he is a good friend and was my friend first, so I also don’t like discussing his faults and relationship problems with his GF, as that makes me feel disloyal.
I can’t believe she hasn’t noticed I’m a “rival”, but I suppose that shows her nice character. I have tried to politely keep a distance, but she is really keen on this friendship plan. Obviously he hasn’t told her anything (and I’m not even 100% sure he actually knows).
Would anybody know what the best way of dealing with this is? I suppose I could tell her the truth, but I think that would make things uncomfortable all round (it’s a small community, avoiding both of them would be very very difficult and also a great loss to my social life). Or I could just try and ignore it all and come over really cold and rude. I also don’t like seeing someone becoming a bit isolated when I could really help out there.
I don’t see why the truth would necessarily destroy your relationships with these people. You might say something like “I had a horrendous crush on your bf, who I consider a good friend of mine, so I don’t feel comfortable discussing the details of your relationship – but if you’d like to go catch a movie sometime, that would be fun.” Make it clear what kind of stuff you are or aren’t available for. That’s truthful but won’t hurt anyone’s feelings or weird anyone out.
I would think the adult thing to do would be to look elsewhere for a BF. And end your crush (if you can) on this man. Afterall, he chose to put his love with someone else. I see no problem with being friends with her, she just moved into your town and should be treated the way you would treat any nice person you just meet. With respect, right?
I agree with twickster in saying that the truth really shouldn’t hurt anything. You have already accepted crushman as a friend (eventhough you still harbor some romantic feelings for him) and have done so on his terms. I see no problem with telling his GF and explaining the situation to her. The way twickster recommended you stating it is perfect IMHO.
“I want to bang your boyfriend. You wanna go see a movie?” I’m sure Pookah would be more subtle than that but its still what the truth boils down to. The truth will not set you free it will lose you a friend. If the GF knows you have designs on your friend she may make him choose between the two of you. Never make a guy choose between you and whoever he is having sex with. Guess who will lose. Right now you have a good friend and a nice girl who might become your good friend. Why ruin that? Go find someone else and keep your friendships. Down the road the friendship might be more important to you than any boyfriend. Years from now you might be able to joke about how you used to have a crush on him. Who knows, his situation may change and you may wind up together some time in the future. Start burning those bridges now and there will be nothing.
Then again I might be wrong
How about mentioning to the new GF that you and crushman have been friends for a while, and it discussing their problems makes you a little uncomfortable. You don’t need to mention your crush. Hopefully she will understand that your greater loyalties lie with crushman (as a friend) and she will back away from the ackward tell-all conversations, without ruining any friendships.
Well, duh. Unfortunately, she’s talking about a crush, and they’re just not that easy to just switch off. Every single cell in your rational mind tells you it didn’t happen, it’s not happening, it’s probably not going to happen. And it still doesn’t help – the rest of your brain keeps saying, “But maybe it could…” It’s true that the OP would be wise to look elsewhere for a BF, but that’s not always so easy. Casual dating is a drag, because you’re comparing everyone you meet to The Crush and they typically come up short. The only real cure is to get unexpectedly knocked off your feet by someone else.
My advice is what some of the others have said: no need to tell the GF that you’re crushing on her boyfriend, but you can be honest about the other stuff. Say that you’ve known the guy for a long time and you’ve gotten to be good friends, and you’re uncomfortable talking with her about their personal life.
Either she’s more intuitive than you think and will pick up the fact that you’re crushing on him, but she’ll be much less put-off than if you’d been 100% completely out and honest with her. Or, she’ll remain clueless but will know not to talk about stuff that’s still a sore spot with you.
Well, I wouldn’t say it makes sense. But I know, unfortunately, from experience, that that’s how these things usually play out. It also makes the speech center of your brain stop functioning. Crushee says “I never thought of us that way” and crusher hears “Give me time to think about it and wait for my call until then.”
I shouldn’t have been so rude to Phlosphr, though. That really was the best and most mature advice. But I know that I’ve gotten lots of good, mature, advice lately and I still can’t make use of it.
The other thing I’d say to PookahMacPhellimey: good for you for wanting to help this girl out, but be aware what you’re getting into, even if you decide not to come clean on the whole crush thing. Remember the two brains thing at work here – your good, upstanding, rational brain will be trying to help out a new person and make her feel welcome in the city. Meanwhile, the darker brain will resent her and always be putting thoughts in your head about how she doesn’t deserve what she’s got. I’m not saying that there’s no potential for y’all ever to be real friends, but be aware that it’s going to be tougher for you than it is for her.
(Sheesh. I’m really starting to think I’m a 15-year-old girl in a 33-year-old man’s body.)
I would bail on the entire situation, fall of the face of the earth vis-a-vis this friend and his chick, and find myself a boyfriend somewhere else. If you’re over it by that point you can always stage a re-appearance and cite some existential made-up crisis to cover up for it. I’m not much for hanging around and being the beta female in an unrequited love triangle-what do you really get out of it except for pain and a constant reminder of having been given short shrift for some other chick? Maybe I’m unusual but I ditch stuff that’s both a headache and a heartache. Life is too short for me to be the third wheel.
In any case, I really think that if even if you have a mature, heartfelt discussion where you discuss your feelings and try to work through them-she’s going to see you as someone waiting around for the opportune moment and either outright stop him from seeing you or she’ll be clever enough about it that he’ll never know but your contact with him in the future will be limited. Maybe you sort of want to tell her and bring the situation to a head rather than have it simmer, though? I don’t know-it’s all so complicated but I know I, personally, would not suffer any self-confessed pretenders to the throne (he he) and I’m a laid back person that doesn’t spend her free time fixing all other women with a gimlet eye being all “step off my man b****”.
First of all thanks for the advice. It’s all good, if at times contradictory.
Everyone who said “uncrush” and look elsewhere is right. Likewise SolGrundy is very right in saying that this isn’t the easiest thing to do. I’m doing my best.
I really like Tastes of chocolate’s point. When I think about it I would not like talking about a good friend’s relationship with their SO even if I did not have a crush on them at all, so it seems quite a reasonable for me to ask her if we could please change the topic if she brings it up. That works on a friendship level even without the crush.
As for the rest of it all. In retrospect I wish I would have out and out told crushman my feelings before they got together. If he had turned me down flat I think I would feel much less hypocritical being friends with his GF than I do now. That’s hindsight, sadly.
Some of your astute comments are leading me to review my own motivations as well, which I think is a good thing. I’m tending towards the not saying anything but trying to keep some distance until I get over it to such a degree that I can feel genuinely happy for them, rather than just rationally feeling I ought to be.
Ah well, I quite like Loach’s notion of us all laughing about it all in a pub in 2010 when everything has panned out this way or that as these thing tend to.
I was a little curt in that previous post. I appologize, and I know that Sol has a valid point. A crush is not easy to get over. But learning how to get over it the healthy way, will be good experience for when you are married. I mean how good would it be to dwell on a crush when you have a ring on your finger?
I was in kind of a vaguely similar situation except that I was already friends with the girlfriend before they started going out. I was absolutely devastated when they did, but it turned out to be just the kick in the arse I needed to get over him. I’m actually closer to her now than I am to him and I’d no more fancy him than I would any of my other friends’ boyfriends. Is it possible that you could get to become such good friends with this girl that you just couldn’t fancy him anymore?
Well, I’ve been a flaky friend to her, really. I’ve been sociable in group situation, but have avoided one-to-one friendship situations. She’ll say things like “we must hang out sometime” and I’ll say “yeah” without setting any dates.
I think I’m deciding I do not want to be her friend. Social acquaintance yes, but I just don’t think that friendship is possible at the moment. I take friendship seriously and will always try to be there for my friends. When a friend tells me her relationship isn’t going well, I want to feel sorry for them rather than it making me happy. What kind of friend would that make me?
Things are complicated by the fact that I feel there is some ground for me to believe there is actually something between me and crush. Perhaps that’s my “hope” speaking, but my gut instinct is not convinced about it. No, I wouldn’t go with him while he is with her and I don’t want to try and come between them deliberately either. I just wish wish wish I had asked him before when I had the chance. Even if he had turned me down, things wouldn’t have been so strange now and I would have had a much better chance of moving on. Won’t make that mistake again. Let my sorry tale be a lesson to you all.
Sorry you asked now?
Point of order to Phlosphr. I’m not at all sure I’m ever going to marry anyone!
I don’t see a problem with you keeping her at arms length. I have always had friends of various types. Some close some not. No reason not to hang out with her. Its also very reasonable to tell her you are not comfortable with talking about her boyfriend. Please do yourself a favor and don’t dwell on this. You are young (I think), don’t waste years hoping he will come around.
