I’ve known this man since August; he was a member of a local gardening group I hung out with. We’ve gone out periodically for dinner & movies and such; sometimes with a friend of mine along.
The thing is, he has become increasingly glommed onto me since about November. I have made it quite clear that our hanging out is just a platonic thing. I’ve stated unequivocably that I like him “just as a friend.” (I hate doing that because it sounds so cliched.) I make a point of paying my way, just as I would with a girlfriend or something. The most physical we’ve ever gotten is chaste little goodnight air kisses to the cheek. Trust me, if I was going to get romantic with someone, they’d be in velvet lined manacles tied to my bed by now; we’d be way past the air peck stage!
He is getting clingier and clingier, and I am getting quite annoyed, because it is starting to feel…disingenuous, perhaps sneaky on his part. Sneaky because I think he’s the type who would complain about “nice guys getting kicked in the teeth” after they persist unwittingly and inappropriately with someone who really isn’t welcoming the advances.
He has invited me to his company Christmas formal, to go out (just the two of us) on New Years Eve, to take me “someplace really nice” for my birthday and away for the weekend. He has given me much nicer and more thoughtful gifts - like Christmas and birthday - than most of my friends did. He’s offered to landscape my front yard and do stuff around the house. I politely decline - I’ve even made it sort of a joke, “well if we were actually dating then I’d say OK, haha.” He sends me 2-3 chatty “this is how my day is going” emails every day. I stop myself from saying “Oh, I need to get this done, or buy one of these” because he’s likely to just do it for me and I do not want that.
This guy is 48 and has lived with his ex wife for the last five years, with their son. They don’t socialise at all; it’s all very seperate. He has no friends and has not dated in all that time. He is very bright, successful in business, but is quite socially inept. A friend suggested he may have Aspergers but I’m unsure.
Anyhow. I’m uncomfortable with this now. I cannot get a read on whether he’s hanging on because he hopes for something more, or what - if I ask, he avoids. I think he is a very nice man and I sure wish he’d find someone to date for real, because I’m feeling - I don’t know. Responsible? I know that’s not my place, but I really just want him to back off and act like a casual friend instead of investing all this - emotionality in me. I’ve even tried gently pushing him in the direction of another single friend but he’s oblivious.
OK, so he is lonely and I don’t want to hurt his feelings. Is there a way I can rewind, nicely?
Hmmm…I’ve been in HIS position before (I’m a woman though)…twice… and it is really hard to be “just friends” with someone you are seriously crushing on. In order for me to be able to break away and get on with my life, I had to stop hanging out with the object of my desire. The first time, the other person just up and left me and I went through some hurt and got over it. The second time I was smart enough to see what was going on, and we had a dialogue with this new person, and we worked it out. I was able to see myself in the position of not being loved by the object of my affection, and work my way through it.
With the first guy, the one who just up and left with a “I never loved you anyway…”…that hurt really bad. Because I was so nice and acted girlfriend-ly and he acted boyfriend-ly and it killed me that it was all a lie. If dude would have been up front with me and said “listen, I am never gonna love you” and we had time apart, it would have been easier for me to deal with. But I gave myself over to him (like this fella is doing with you) and he never pushed me away, and it complicated things.
You need to have a serious talk with this guy. Tell him you want him to be happy, with someone else, and he’s never going to find anyone else if he’s spending all his time and energy with you. And if he doesn’t get it, you need to start declining more dates (or all dates) and not answering emails. You might feel bad about it but really it’s for his own good.
If you’ve explicitly told him that you’re not interested and he’s still persisting, I think you would be justified in telling him you think it’s best for you two to have some space apart from each other.
I’ve often been in the position of liking someone who didn’t like me back, and it is very hard to get over the person if you’re still in frequent contact. Might be for the best to take some time away from each other so he is forced to start looking elsewhere for a woman who might be receptive to his advances.
There’s a bit of a trend going in these replies here but… I too have been in that guy’s position; infact I’d say I am right now. My problem seems obvious enough. I like the girl, but I’m not confident enough to ask her out for fear of her not liking me back, and at worst ending the friendship. It is likely that nothing will ever develop between us. However I am too stubborn to distance myself from her, based on the miniscule chance that she actually may like me in return, but is too shy to say so.
So my advice is pretty much the same here: make sure he’s aware of the nature of the relationship, and the fact that this is all it will ever be. Whatever his response, it will almost definitly be necessary to take some time off from each other, to allow his brain to cool down from the crush.
I’m a fairly average guy so if he’s anything like me, this is what he would want (rationally, not emotionally) you to do.
No matter how often you say “lets just be friends,” as long as you hang out with the guy, you can expect the same kind of behavior from him.
To a guy, as long as you are spending time with him, it is always “behind by one, bottom of the ninth with two outs.” We always think that we got a chance and that with “one good swing” we can turn the tide and win the game.
Why do we think this way? Because of all the times that we guys have been put off with the “hey, lets just be friends” or “you know, I am just not ready for a relationship right now” or “if you don’t stop calling me I am getting a restraining order:)” and then scoring big time with a little persistance. We know that it sometimes takes a little work and a little luck. I myself have knocked a few over the fence in the bottom of the ninth with two outs and two strikes (Ok, I’ve also struck out a few time as well!). In fact, if it wasn’t for my Dad’s persistence over my Mom’s objections and rejections over 50 years ago, I wouldn’t be here typing this response!
Ah. Jeez, you’d think I’d have been around the block enough times to realise this and not make such a big deal!
OK, well I already shot him down in flames for anything this weekend, so I’m good there.
No worries there, no more air-pecks-to-the-cheek.
He lives about 40 miles away, which has made it easier to keep him at arms legnth.
I just need to make my arms longer.
I was in your shoes about a year ago. It sucks. I tried the “being busy” thing… over and over and over. I tried the “I’m just sort of a loner” or “I just need some space right now” thing. Nothing worked.
I found that there’s really no way to deal with it except to completely end it. I still feel like a bad person for having gotten in to that situation in the first place, but it happens - even to the best of us! - and it’s better to cut and run sooner rather than later. In my situation, and it sounds like in yours too, the guy in question just doesn’t get that you’re not interested in him in that way, and in the end I had to “break up” with him and explicitly tell him that I did not want to see him again. At all. It finally got through after that, but it was tough.
In situations like this, where the guy just won’t give up, I do think ending the friendship is the right way to go. However, I would also emphasize that I think there are situations where an unrequited attraction does NOT have to be the death knell of the friendship, so don’t be too quick to shut the door on a friendship IF the person shows that they accept you’re not interested and want to put it behind them.
I mention this because I’m currently in a situation where a guy I have the hots for is now acting distant and weird with me, even though I took a little space away from him and now feel that the crush is pretty much behind me. I have come to realize that it probably wouldn’t have worked out between us anyway even though I was attracted to him. So, it makes me a bit sad that admitting my feelings has made everything all weird between us.
Um, in that last note, “have” should be “had”. I’m sure someone is going to come in here now and say that was a Freudian slip. Honestly, though, it wasn’t. I suspected for a long time that the feeling wasn’t mutual, so once I confirmed that I didnt have that much trouble moving on.
Yeah. Just lookat this guy’s ex-wife. She probably thought she would be subtle and gradual about getting rid of him and he has been living with her for FIVE YEARS and they’re divorced. His standard for what counts as acceptance may be very low and bonobo_jones’s current just barely tolerating of him may look to him like the biggest batch of belongng that has ever come his way.
Sounds like another instance of “If only subtlety worked on un-subtle people.”
Yah, that’s what I was thinking too, except I’m a bit of a softie and was partly thinking he was just going overboard because he’s got his first real “friend” in years.
He’s never made a move on me. Mind you asking me away for the weekend (to Columbus Ohio, haha! He had a conference.) was a rather inept attempt, I guess.
Anyhow I called him and was quite, uh, blunt on Friday. I was a pissed off because I felt he’d backed me into being a bitch. Ah well. He said he was stunned, that he was “always like this with friends”…I feel like a shit, but better. Haven’t spoken since.
Ha! I never thought of that. They seem pretty distant and she had an irritated demeanor the one time I met her. I took him to get his colonoscopy :eek: because I felt sorry for him, he was going to take a taxi.
Yes, distance is a good idea. I’ll see how it goes. I’ve been teased before about taking in strays, both human and animal. I’m either a bit too kind hearted, or a sucker.
If you have his home email you could send him a portion of post #1 excised to:
I’m uncomfortable with where our friendship has gone. I cannot get a read on whether [you are] hanging on because you have hopes for something more, or what - if I ask, you avoid the topic. Enough: I think you are a very nice man and I sure wish you’d find someone to date for real, because I’m feeling - I don’t know. Responsible? I know that’s not my place, but I really just want you to back off and act like a casual friend instead of investing all this - emotionality in me. I realize this may end our friendship and if so, so be it. I bear you no ill will whatsoever - I just don’t like the place where we find ourselves or where we seem to be heading.
Often the stuff you can explain clearly and fully to strangers is so much harder to say in Real Life. You explained it clearly and I admire you for not ignoring the situation: many folks, male and female, like to keep attentive couriers on-line just in case while they look for something better. Bravo that this is not you and extra points for trying to handle it sensitively.
I wouldn’t send him this at work - if necessary send it in a letter – I know some cringe at the written vs. phone call or face to face - I just think in this case, with a socially inept person, it is an easier message to write than to say it - because of the impulse to over explain (which WILL lead to hurt) and in case he manipulates or you feel to sorry and soften and muddle his take away message.
