So, I’ve come to realize that I no longer want to be friends with someone. The relationship brings nothing to me emotionally. I feel like I have to do all the work to keep conversations going, she never asks me about me, and is repeatedly sarcastic to me. Being around her has become like pulling teeth.
The problem is two-fold (one is an ethical problem, one is a logistical problem).
Ethically, I can’t say I wasn’t warned. I thought I knew better and that my friend was really a very nice person who was being maligned. (That is to say, I was arrogant.) I worked pretty hard to develop this friendship over the last few months, and now I’ve come to realize that, yep, she really is that… passive aggressive when she’s not being a lump.
Logistically, she is a good friend of a good friend. A long-time good friend with whom I have a totally opposite relationship, who I enjoy being around. How do I extract myself from a friendship with one when we are often together in a group?
I feel like an idiot. I created this problem, and now I feel there’s no way to avoid bad feelings. Still, I just can’t continue this relationship.
I agree. Unless you have that rare breed of friendship that survives years and years of radio silence, most friendships will only thrive on communication. You don’t have to completely cut her off, just phase her out of your life. Don’t invite her to things and don’t go to things she invites you to. You can be polite when you see her, and there’s no need to start an issue or voice resentment. Just let your closeness fade away.
Under normal circumstances, that would be my tactic. My real problem is that we have, for example, monthly dinners at her house where we all gather. Do I suddenly have something else to do? This has been a standing event that I’ve participated in for months. The group has a Christmas gathering that I just got included in for the first time this year because she invited me. What do I do when Christmas comes?
I guess I’m just being a big baby. I don’t want to have to make it clear that I-don’t-wanna-be-friends-with-you-no-more. What’s worse is that just when I was finally awakening to my true feelings, she says things like, “I’m so glad you’re my friend.”
Of course, if you still want to continue to have a relationship with your mutual friend(s). You’ll have to create situations where you invite them to things without her.
wait… is it that you don’t like this person at all or is it that you just don’t want to be friends anymore? And what exactly does your “friendship” include?
Do you hang out with her a lot one on one? Or is it a circle of friends thing?
Group dinners at her house? So? You are going to see the other people in the group not her right? Go to dinner- chat with the people you DO like. I think politely declining or ignoring (or politely delaying communication) is a good way to distance yourself.
Don’t limit yourself, it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Can you be good acquaintances with her, i.e. interact in a friendly way in group settings but nothing intimate and nothing one-on-one?
Just get “really busy”. Seeing her once a month with other friends is, I assume, not going to particularly hurt you.
I really am starting to not like her that much. We don’t talk on the phone, or anything. We go to lunch occassionally. Emails at work fairly frequently. We just got back from a trip. Which, frankly, was the last straw. Just all around frustration with her with no real redeeming incidents.
But, I do hear you all. I’m not sure if she would reach out to me if I weren’t reaching out to her. So, I guess I’ll disengage and move on.
I think this is all you need to do - if she doesn’t hold up her end of the friendship, it should be easy to let her drop except for group events where you don’t have to just try to talk to her. Or if she’s too crabby, just drop her altogether. You could also try having a talk with her about the things she doesn’t do that make her a lousy friend; you have nothing to lose, really.
I agree with those that are saying just don’t do one on one stuff with her. If she invites you to do something one on one, be busy. She’ll get the hint.
You’re stuck when it comes to the group stuff, though. Especially if you didn’t bring her into the group. You’ve got no right to oust a member of the “group” just because you don’t like her. Just go to the functions and don’t make any sort of special effort to talk to her.
As far as Christmas? That’s 7 months away! Cross that bridge when you come to it.
Yeah, I certainly wouldn’t wish to oust her. She is part of a well-established group that I joined because of my good friend. I’m the late-comer. I don’t wish her ill-will, I just am annoyed and frustrated.
In the end, this is another time that I went against my instincts and my true desires and have gotten a predictable result.
Also, I’d be really careful about expressing your opinion of this girl to the rest of the circle. You may very well get yourself ousted. Especially if you the new comer.
This is the price you have to pay if you want to hang with the cool kids; you have to deal with all that “cool kids” politics.
(OK, That last bit was a joke but I hope you get my meaning.)
In that case you don’t really need to do anything. You just have to stop caring. She doesn’t reach out to you and you don’t reach out to her then neither of you really care that much and it’s all good. And yeah, if you want to stay in the same circle of friends, and go to dinners at her house, then you should probably still think of her as a “friend” in the loosest sense of the word.
But that said, I’ve also noticed that there are some people who push me past the edge when I spend a lot of time with them, and then I’ll back off and cool down, and then I run into them a few months later in the group and we have a nice chat about whatever and I’ll think, “hey, it’s not so bad to have __ around, she’s the only one in the group who knows anything about wine.” So maybe if you back away for a while you’ll be able to enjoy her company again.
Trips - yeah, I’ve lost a couple of friends by taking road trips with them. By the time the trip was done, I never wanted to see them again.
Just back off from any one-on-one, do the monthly group thing, and see how it goes.
Refuse to put any effort into the friendship, just be busy when she wants to do something. It doesn’t sound like it would take much to not ever see her, if you’re doing all the work to maintain this.
Chances are she won’t bother you nearly as much if you can get some distance, so the group thing won’t be so much of a problem.
Just stop making the effort. It will wither and die on its own without any deliberate action by you.
Like the others have said, there’s no reason or purpose to be served by being uncivil, just don’t make any effort to spend time with her. Don’t avoid situations where she will be present with whatever group you’re with. Don’t actively snub or avoid her. Just treat her like a stranger or maybe a casual acquaintance at best.
Yep, good tip. To clarify, it was a member of the circle who warned me. The circle is comprised of 5 of us, including me and this woman. I would only really express my true opinion to this one person, and then only if it was necessary (which I can’t see happening) or if it was raised again to me first. But to the others, I’ll not raise it at all. There’s no real need to. I’ll just go back to where I was, which is to say, good friends with the one, acquaintences with the rest.
