I’ve had to do something similar. I’ll try to keep it short. (Upon editing, I have to apologize if this seems like a hijack, but I’m trying to make a point. Sorry.)
When I moved into this time zone, I was the new kid to this group of four married couples. They were all pretty okay at first. I guess I had to pass their “cool kid” entrance exam to see if they accepted me. They did. We’re all over 30 years old. We were friends for more than 6 years. Then the trouble started.
First, Hubby and Wife (we’ll call ‘em #1 and #2) start fighting to the point that they’re getting divorced and she takes her kid and goes back home to live with Mommy. Hubby #1 pleads with me to speak to her because we’re “brother and sister” (not really; just very similar in many ways) and I agree. The next three months become counseling sessions for both of them, individually and together. We finally manage to get them back together and they’re very happy to this day.
Then, Hubby and Wife #3 and #4 start having problems. Wife #4 cusses me out for starting the entire problem (which I never did) and she’s sort of the self-imposed matriarch of this group, so of course she’s right and I’m wrong and there’s no telling her otherwise. I get the Riot Act and am basically persona non grata in her eyes. I get no more invites and am shunned from the group by her command. I call Hubby #3 to discuss it and he blows me off and says to do same to his wife. Meanwhile, wife #4 is threatening divorce, calling the cops, the whole nine yards. She still won’t listen to me. Hubby #3 keeps blowing me off. I figure it’s not my problem, so I blow it off. Out of the blue, at 2 AM no less, hubby #3 calls me and wants to talk about it. He is *less *than sober. After several hours, he admits that it is all his fault but doesn’t know how to deal with it. But instead of asking for my help, he tells me he needs me in the picture because I am his buffer between him and wife #4 because she likes me so much (?). Whenever he wants to do his thing, he throws me in front of his wife so he can get away (so to speak). I try to say that of the guys within our group, I would rather hang with him given the choice because we’re very alike. He admits that he’s not really interested in my friendship but rather just the buffer. I was floored when he admitted this and got way pissed. I kicked him out of my house and told him and his wife to fuck off. I never find out how they resolve their problem, but I assume they did because they’re still married.
Wife #6 cheats on Hubby #5 and he’s steaming hot about it. She basically disappears for a few months before telling him she’s never coming back. Hubby #5 is crushed and wants to be alone. I start being a pest as much as I can while respecting his privacy and eventually he lets me back into his world. We start talking about stuff and he starts to get through it. (He’s a lot better now). So we’re back to being good buds like we were before he met her, but it took about 7 months to get there.
*Now *it gets complicated:
Wife #4 still wants to be the leader, but I’m not having anything to do with #3 or #4. Number 1 and #2 still see #3 and #4 while bar hopping about town and they’re totally nice and buckets of roses to their faces about it, but they both talk very badly about #3 and #4 in private and with me. They also never accept their invites to do stuff. We three (#1, 2 and me) actually hang out a lot. Number 3 and #4 keep badgering hubby #5 about “how come I never come to hang out anymore”, but never directly ask me or call me or email me. I tell Hubby #5 that I don’t want to put him in the middle and he can hang out with whomever he wants but I don’t want him to be the cub reporter that keeps #3 and #4 in the loop.
Enter Hubby #7 and Wife #8 who have been here the whole time but now get more involved and they start hanging out with me and Hubby #5 to be able to report back to #3 and #4 about what I’m doing. (Hubby #3 and Wife #8 have been friends since elementary school) I tell them to stop it because I get them to admit that they know exactly what they’re doing and it’s not right.
Now, I’m smart enough to realize that most married folks would rather spend time with their partner than hang out with the only single guy in the group, and not emotionally needy enough to demand more time, but I don’t want to hang out with people who don’t want to hang out with me. Or who have ulterior motives. I want to hang out with people who want to have a good time because they want to hang out with me. I have a couple of other friends outside of this mess that I can hang out with, but the whole thing has basically fragmented the entire Get-Along Gang into several different factions. I don’t really care about the drama. As long as I have cable TV and a computer, I’ll be okay.
So, Niblet Head, to break it down as you originally had: Ethically, I don’t want to hang out with the Queen Bee (Wife #4) just because she wants things back to status quo (with her in charge), especially after Hubby #3 admits his opinion, and I didn’t really like her that much in the first place. Logistically it is a bit tougher. The regular activities we all used to participate in have been dissolved and new activities are in place, but I choose not to participate in the new stuff where #3 and #4 are involved (and I’m never directly invited). I have initiated new activities at my house or new places for others to participate in but do not invite #3 and #4. I don’t know if they know they aren’t invited, but so far it hasn’t caused any discomfort to all the rest (to my knowledge) when they turn down offers from #3 and #4 to join my reindeer games. We almost always have a good time, unless we get too drunk. But it’s still a good time to watch a train wreck in progress.
This has been going on for about a year now. Wife #4 (Queen Bee wannabe) still doesn’t get the hint. I think I made my point to Hubby #3 when I told him to fuck off, so it’s not like I’m being passive aggressive. I told #7 and #8 to their face I knew what they were doing and told them to stop. I think that by calling people on their BS and (trying) to get everybody to tell the truth about where they stand is the way to go. And if that hurts anybody’s feelings, well then boo freakin’ hoo. Get over it. You’re not in elementary school anymore. I’ve told #5 to his face I want to be his friend and we hang out a lot more now. I’ve told #3 to fuck off to his face and we’re not friends anymore, but he and Wife #4 just don’t seem to get it.
No offense, but maybe they’re not really all that bright.