The Unrequited Crush, its Causes, and Cures

In My Humble Opinion
1

This isn’t the mopey pity-SolGrundy thread; I’ve already done that one. This is the one where we try to solve the problem using science!

The situation is this: my M.O. with “relationships” has consistently been to meet an attractive person, start developing a friendship to pave the way for Something More, work up the nerve to ask attractive person for Something More, and then have attractive person start confiding in me about some person she/he is crazy about, trusting me enough to go into intimate details of their sordid relationship. Friendship continues for years afterwards, I never tell them how I felt.

I’m not ashamed to admit that I was a big fan of the first season of Friends. At the time, I thought it was extremely romantic how Ross spent the whole time pining over Rachel, while she was oblivous to it all. I thought the same thing about my own experiences – I was sacrificing my own happiness so that the person I loved could get what she/he truly wanted. And, seriously, several of the people I consider my best friends now started out as “targets.”

But now, I think that it’s not so much romantic as pathetic. There’s nothing noble about keeping your feelings secret from someone, especially if you consider them to be a friend. In my case, I think it was a subconscious distancing thing – as long as I kept my feelings under wraps, I could feel like I was in love without having to actually do anything about it.

Recently, I detected that I was falling into the same pattern, and I decided that this time would be different. As soon as talk started drifting towards The Other Guy, I just laid it all out on the table and said how I felt. I got the “I had no idea” and “I guess I never felt that way about us” one-two punch. Disappointing, yes, but putting it out there was the adult thing to do, right? Because now I’m not so sure; in fact I think it backfired. I’m still crushing as bad as I was before, but now our friendship is kind of awkward, so there’s not even that.

So the questions for the SDMB to answer:

  1. Is this really as universal an experience as all the books and movies and T.V. shows make it seem?
  2. Romantic? Or pathetic?
  3. Where does it go wrong? Waiting too long to get up the nerve to ask? Getting too far in “the friend zone?”
  4. Or is it decided from the beginning? If there’s no initial attraction, there never will be no matter what?
  5. Do you tell the “victim” about your crush, even after you can tell they’re probably not interested?
  6. The optimist in me has to ask: does it ever work out in the end? Victim starts to rethink his/her opinion of the crusher and tries to start something up on down the road?
    And yes, as I’ve pointed out before on this board, ad nauseam, I happen to be gay. That shouldn’t make a difference in the answers.
2
  1. Yep. It’s happened to me, at least…more than once…
  2. Pathetic. At least, that’s certainly how it makes you FEEL, isn’t it?
  3. Dunno. If I could figure it out, I wouldn’t do it anymore.
  4. Ditto.
  5. One worse: I ususally can’t even tell that they’re probably not interested.
  6. Hasn’t with me…yet…
3

(1) It’s seems fairly common to denizens of the SDMB perhaps, but no, it doesn’t happen to everybody.

(2) Pathetic, sorry. There’s nothing about romantic about not getting any. It’s frustrating to yourself and it’s probably fairly annoying to your target. If my feelings are anything to go by, he’s probably mildly flattered but feeling mightily inconvenienced by having to tip-toe around your feelings.

(3) Waiting too long. Don’t faff about with being friends first. If you meet an attractive guy who you think may be relationship-worthy, go for it as soon as possible. See (4).

(4) If he doesn’t find you attractive from the get-go, it’s probably not going to happen.

(5) Not unless you wish to make things terribly awkward for the both of you. [Tongue in cheek] Better to get very drunk with him, jump his bones and see what happens. If (i) you get knocked back, that’s okay because you can both write it off as drunken misadventure; or (ii) you get lucky, you’ll have a new foundation of intimacy on which you MAY be able to build a relationship. Better than doing nothing, I say.

(6) Probably not. Again, if he’s not attracted to you, it’s not going to happen. He’ll probably move on while you’re wasting your time pining away. You should move on too.

Bzzt, sorry it makes a huge difference. Men and men have very different relationships than men and women. (a) It’s terribly easy for gay men to get laid, so “dating” is less structured; (b) in any budding relationship, sex is a given; (c) sex doesn’t necessarily mean an emotional attachment; (d) it’s possible to have sex and remain good friends; however (e) It’s not possible to NOT have sex and expect to form a relationship.

Think about it: every gay man out there has already broken one of society’s shibboleths by admiting we like to boink men. Compared to this, the next prohibition–i.e. we can’t be upfront about sex–is nothing. So be upfront. If you meet an attractive man, let him know how you feel. Don’t waste time developing a deep and meaningful friendship first; establish a romantic (although I hesitate to use the word–sexual is probably more accurate) note from the beginning. There’s plenty of time to learn how he likes his steak cooked, so make your move early. If you get knocked back, remember what straight people says goes double for gay guys: there’s plenty more available fish in the sea (or poofs in the bar, rather.)

And if you succeed, remember (c), above. It may not lead to anywhere. If you think it might work out, great–but be upfront about it! (i.e. ring/text him the next day and give some indication of how you feel). If you can’t see anything developing (or he indicates that no lasting relationship is forthcoming), move on, keeping (d) in mind.

So above all, move early, be honest and be upfront. Exceptions occur, but nothing much comes of waiting for things to happen to you–you have to take control.

Standard disclaimer applies: not all gay men think as I indicate above and not all straight people are NOT as I indicate above.

4
  1. Yes,
  2. Pathetic,
  3. Bingo.

I know someone is going to come along as say “well I married this person who was my friend for three years and blah blah blah” because there’s exceptions to every rule, but data ain’t the plural of anecdote. If you are interested in someone do not pretend you’re not.

Look, I used to make this mistake all the time. (Straight, but it’s the same deal.) And I know God only knows how many people who did the same thing, because a lot of people seem to have it in their heads that it’s rude, or risky, or not appropriate somehow to just start off with “I wanna date you.” Only when I realized I was not going about things the correct way did I suddenly begin enjoying big success on the romantic front.

If you are interested in someone, tell them. In 99.9% of all cases being their friend for a long period of time is NOT going to make them more romantically interested in you (there’s the answer to Question 4) and in 90% of cases when they might at first have been interested, it will make them LESS romantically interested in you because they will go through the process of:

  • Scouting you out for signs you want to date them
  • Concluding you don’t want to since you’re just being a “friend”
  • Relegating you to the “friend” pile and moving on to other potential targets.

Once you identify someone as a potential mate you should ask them out, IMHO, within a week. If they say no you move on. This has the advantage of presenting your interest at a time when they are most likely to respond positively (see above.) If they say yes, you win. If they say no, you have avoided wasting months and months of time into something that wasn’t going to work out anyway. You ALSO prevent yourself from developing a heavy crush on an unrequited love.

Now, as to questions 5 and 6, forget it. If you’re looking for a solid romance, find people you are interested in and try to date them. If they say no, move on to the next one. One they say no or it’s obvious after the first few dates it ain’t gonna work, drop them and move on. My honest, heartfelt advice to you is that you should not bother with a failed prospect. Just keep finding new dates; it minimizes your pain and suffering AND it maximizes the chances you will find someone new and awesome.

Now, I also happen to agree with Jervoise; it IS different that you’re gay. Men and women are not the same, and gay men and straight men are not the same. I will also assume that his comments about gays being able to have sex and maintain casual, normal friendships are true; I know that in my 32 years on earth I have never seen a man and woman pull that off successfully, though I’ve seen many try, including yours truly. If you were a guy pursuing women I would have to point out to you that in our culture women generally prefer the man to be the pursuer, and are usually very unimpressed with a guy who isn’t forward with his intentions. (Within reason.) I am not wholly familiar with gay relationship dynamics. But the basic truth remains the same: Someone who is not attracted to you a week after you meet probably isn’t going to be attracted to you in six months. And if they ARE attracted now, wait six months to ask them out and there’s a good chance you will have blown it.

I am assuming here that you are looking for a real relationship, and I’m also going to suggest that although both parties in your case are male, you’re going to be FAR more successful if you take on an assertive and proactive role.

5

I was a victim of the unrequited crush for a long time. I kept at it with new people, but whether that’s good advice, I don’t know. I did the same thing with Ardred, and we’ve been together 2.5 years.

I tend to think it’s romantic, but I’m not the best person to ask about these things, I guess.

6

Join the club. I’m not familiar with gay relationship dynamics, either; I’m still new and haven’t yet gotten the handbook. All I can say is that my experiences and expectations are not the same as what Jervoise describes. Absolutely no value judgement is expressed or implied; I can only say what does and doesn’t work for me.

And as for me, I didn’t come out in order to break any taboos, in fact just the opposite. I grew up in the exact same culture as every other white protestant southern American male, with all the same messages from friends and family and the media about how people should live their lives. And I just want to have the same kind of relationship that I’ve always imagined myself having, but have never been able to pursue because there’s never been any physical attraction. It’s really that simple.

My personal experience makes me skeptical of Jervoise’s claim that it’s “terribly easy for gay men to get laid,” but I will say that it’s possible, if that’s all you’re looking for. Gay or straight, men are still men. And men are more likely to be upfront about wanting sex – yes, we’re trained to be the aggressors, and were encouraged to take pride in our sex drives. I think guys both gay and straight are more willing to acknowledge the distinction between sex and romantic attachment. And, yes, when you get two guys together, you’ve got two lizard brains making the decisions instead of just one, which does a lot to lower inhibitions.

But I know I can’t so easily separate sex from emotional attachment. Casual sex is ultimately empty and leaves you feeling even more lonely than you were before. And I can’t go back to being “good friends” with someone after we’ve had sex; I either want us to take it further, or I would want it to stay just about the physical side of things. In other words, if we’re not close enough to have a romantic relationship, then why would I call you a “good friend?” And why am I wasting time having sex with you when I could be trying to have sex with someone I’m really in love with?

And on the flip side, if I can tell that I’m really into a person and can see myself having a long-term relationship with him, it just seems awkward, clumsy, and damaging to immediately be making a move on him. It makes it seem like sex is the first and most important thing on my mind, when it’s not. Usually. What knocked me out of the park with the guy that started this whole sordid business, was that one of the first things he asked me was if I’d ever slept with someone – not had sex, but spent the night and woke up together in the morning.

I could be naive, but I don’t think that’s all that unusual, even among gay men – for every guy I’ve met, gay and straight, in the “would you hit that?” camp, I’ve met just as many who are romantic and think long-term instead of just about sexual attraction. All of that is just by way of saying that I don’t see why every conversation about the topic should have to get derailed into a gay-vs-straight discussion. It seems to me that there are more similarities than there are differences.

And all that said, the points are still valid. Confidence and openness are good in any case, with any orientation. No matter how you pose the question, it always comes back to “confidence.” I’ve heard it hundreds of times before.

So that just leaves the question: how do you get sexual attraction out in the open as soon as possible, while at the same time making it clear that that’s not all you’re looking for?

7

SolGrundy, I’ve had my share of unrequited crushes and it suh-hucks. However, I’ve also had experience from the other side of the aisle. Two times, men that I considered really good buddies, friends that I loved to hang out with, told me after almost a year that they were romantically interested. In both cases, it really altered my view of the friendship. Maybe I’m naive, but I honestly had no idea that these guys felt this way. I felt horrible, both as though I’d unintentionally been leading them on and that they’d entered the friendship with ulterior motives. Both friends became very cold after they’d finally told me and I had to tell them I wasn’t interested. I still feel bad about it. Given my experience losing friends this way, my advice is to tell the crush-ee soon.

8

I admit I’m coming from a straight background, but the idea when I was asking women out was to lead with ROMANCE, not sex. Ask them to romantic dinners, to movies, kiss them goodnight - clearly non-friend stuff but don’t hop right into the sack. That clearly established my interest as romantic while at the same time demonstrating that I wasn’t just looking to get laid.

9

Thanks for the advice, burundi. (And everyone else in the thread, btw). I did already tell the crush-ee, and he was extremely cool about it. Which of course, just makes it worse – it’d be easier to move on if he’d been a total ass. And like you say, it hurts the friendship because it makes things weird and makes you feel as if there’s always certain topics you have to avoid talking about. And of course, I’m still in the should-I-call-or-shouldn’t-I? mode, which was supposed to just go away once everything was out in the open.

I have actually been on both sides of this thing (although I’ve been the crush-ee far fewer times than the crush-er), and yes, you’re right, it suh-hucks. On both sides. I know in my case, there was absolutely nothing at all wrong with the other person except that I wasn’t attracted, and I just felt terrible for feeling that way.

10

1 - I experience what you’re talking about, so I’d say it’s certainly not uncommon
2 - It’s all in the eye of the beholder. What one person considers romantic, another might consider dull. What one person considers pathetic, another might consider incredibly sweet.
3 - I think that depends on the person, as well.
4 - Same as 3, but I recognize it as more of a generic possibility (meaning more people are like that)
5 - Thus far, I have. The worst the person can say is “no”, as I see it, and that’s a small price to pay to find out of they return your feelings or not. Yes, akwardness in the friendship is a risk, but that really hasn’t posed too much of a problem with me. I think the trick is to just let it go once you’ve been rejected.
6 - Not in my experience, sorry.

11

What I’ve learned is to just say something, and que sera, sera. Yes, rejection downright sucks, but I’ve always thought that the pain of wondering what might have happened is usually far worse (“the saddest words of tongue and pen…what might have been”).