I've just figured out my romantic woes

I’ve had a minor epiphany: I’m not particularly attractive. I’m tall, well-built, and I can dress myself, but I don’t think I tend to excite people in a mmm-I-really-want-to-kiss-him-and-keep-kissing-him way. And this is, in large part, why I keep getting spurned by interesting women in what’s become a depressingly familiar pattern: we hit it off (rare enough for me, because I’m damn picky), we connect, maybe we date for a couple of weeks, and they lose romantic interest and just want to be good friends. That explains it. Huh.

As an adult, I’ve always viewed myself as moderately appealing, at least. But there’s a kind of comfort in taking this realization to heart. I ain’t that good-looking. I’m happy enough with who I am that I’ll continue to carry myself with confidence, but something like this is good to know.

Not that it will cause me to lower my romantic standards or to feel less lonely, but at least I’ll have a better handle on why things unfold the way they do, when they do. And hell, maybe lightning will strike anyway.


I’m glad you can dress yourself.

It seems that the initial attraction (to you) is there since the interesting and attractive women you meet are willing to date you.

What changes things?

It sounds as if there’s something you’re doing at the 2nd or 3rd date stage that moves you into the “just friends” zone. Is that when you kiss them? (mebbe bad breath?) Do you share really embarrassing personal stories? (too gross to handle?)

You’re pushing too hard for romance. If you like a particular girl and she says she wants to be friends, say “Great! Let’s go to the park tomorrow and feed the ducks.”

The best relationships grow out of friendship. Take them up on it. Have fun by going to parks and movies and other things you both enjoy without the pressure of “dating.” Chances are, if you’re compatible, love will grow out of it.

One reason girls like gay men so much is because they can go out and enjoy their company without always feeling like they’re auditioning for the role of “girlfriend” or “wife.” Straight guys can have the same experience by being “just friends” with a girl. They feel more comfortable around you, and it gives you a chance to really get to know them.

Looks don’t count for much, dude. It’s something else.

IMO you still kinda sorta need to get over yourself. I’m in your boat and so is (to a large degree) most of human male kind. I’m tall, muscular, well built and kinda sorta good looking if Mr. Clean is your ideal of male beauty, but I’m no movie star by any stretch.

I’ve found over the years that while women may have an initial attraction to sharp looking men, what keeps them in a relationship is personality. If you’re getting dates and then they’re losing interest It’s not a “handsomeness” issue, it’s a personality or communication issue re how you’re coming across. Women know what they want, but they often won’t tell you straight out what they want. Sometimes it’s like trying to interpret jungle drums.

Women have zillions of different “make or break” criteria they keep re-arranging on the fly so don’t even try to wrap your head around all that. Focus on the basics. Be assertive, be attentive, be deferential and be conversational, but have a make or break time-line for yourself. If women sense you are just hanging on out of desperation they will drop you like a bad habit. Women like sensitivity, but they hate lack of confidence, and they hate wimps, even big, tall, well built ones. If you exude either of these characteristics it’s often blood in the water time and you’re done for.

It’s a fine line and the best strategy IMO is simply to be “interesting” to a woman (at least to reasonably bright women) and the best way to do this is to be communicative and listen. If they don’t start warming up to you despite your best efforts it’s time to move on as it’s likely the chemistry just isn’t there.

If it were simply that you’re insufficiently good-looking, you wouldn’t get dates to begin with. If you’re going out with women a couple/few times before they lose interest, then you’re insufficiently something else. Or overly something else. Or possibly both.

Ask someone who actually *knows * you and whose judgement and intentions you trust why they think this happens to you. I guarantee that they won’t tell you it’s because you don’t look like George Clooney.

Wow you are very striking looking! Very handsome.

To the OP… I haven’t seen you but it may be more than looks. If you were that not-good-looking, I doubt you would make it past the first date. Besides, I often see ugly guys with beautiful wives/girlfriends. Women have the amazing capability to look beyond looks, unlike most men.

What Women Want: Kindness, humor, honesty, affection, respect, intelligence, cleanliness, attentiveness … [lots of other interesting characteristics] … good looks.

What Women Don’t Want: Self-centeredness, laziness, excuses, meanness … a good-looking asshole.

This is just an example. Women want all kinds of things. But what they want most is someone who is caring, not someone who’s fabulously good looking. Do the best with what you’ve got, and take a real interest in the women you date. Treat them the way you’d like to be treated, and your fears about your looks, or lack thereof, will disappear.

Good luck!

It’s only Wednesday, yet I think I have already just read the most self-serving remark of the week. Thanks for nothing.

That would certainly explain my success rate.

Astro, how’re you doin?

I’ve dated guys from a pretty broad spectrum of looks, from those I thought were ugly at first glance to certified hotties. Men grow in physical attractiveness as their personal attractiveness increases. The inverse is also true: some of those certified hotties became “eh.”

Take my fiance, for example. When I first met him, I thought he was cute. Not over-the-moon hot, but cute. Now, I think he’s the sexiest man alive. Just thinking about the way he walks turns me on. His smile is to die for. I could stare into his eyes for hours on end, and often try to.

Looks are where things start. What happens after that depends entirely on personal communication, chemistry and experience.

Don’t sell yourself short. You’re very handsome and a damned sharp dresser. The bald head only increases the “hey! that’s an interesting looking man - I wonder if it would be fun to talk to him?” quotient.


Yep. For me, I’d say it’s confidence without ego.

My current celebrity crush is David Tennant (the new series Doctor Who). He’s a bit of a skinny arsed lop-eyed fella, but in the three tv series I’ve seen him in (Casanova, Blackpool and Doctor Who) he’s played a bit of a cheeky chappy and is rather scrummy in my humblest of opinions. :slight_smile:

Yeah, Mr. Clean in a James Carville kinda way.

I don’t know if you’re looking for advice or not but I’ll offer some anyway.

A lot of otherwise very appealing men strike out because they do not make it clear that they are attracted to the woman in question. I think it has something to do with being afraid of coming across as an asshole. A lot of men who repeatedly notice that women don’t seem to dig them have simply never learned how to flirt.

(This is, IMO, another reason a lot of women like gay men: they flirt. Flirting is fun! Practice whenever appropriate, even on women you aren’t attracted to. This also has the advantage of making women who you otherwise wouldn’t ask out, notice you.)

If you’re already on a date with her, you don’t have to fear rejection. Look at her, hold her glance and give her a sexy smile. Touch her deliberately (put your arm around her shoulders while walking down the street, touch her arm to emphasize a point, etc). Practice looking at her like you want to ravage her.

There is a continuum that begins with the friendly but hopeless “You’re nice, let’s be friends,” passes through the quite delightful (for me) “I am hugely attracted to you and nothing would thrill me more than to see you naked,” and ends with the creepy “I want to chain you up in my basement and chop you up”/“I want to have sex with you and not call you tomorrow.”

It’s not hard to master the middle (delightful) one. You can do it.



I defend SnakesCatlady
Yummy Astro!
Tacky Cyn!

and now to address the OP: maybe it’s chemical. Do you smell good? I had a male friend, yes, just friends, who didn’t like cologne or breath mints. I enjoyed his company, we had a lot in common and our friends commented on what a handsome couple we made, but I never felt a chemical spark partly, I suspect, because I didn’t yearn to be closer to him. He didn’t have bad breath, just stale at times. He practiced good hygiene, just didn’t smell yummy.

Boo. First of all, that’s just like me saying “Men have the amazing capability to look beyond bank account size, unlike most women”. Second, who are you to judge people who like dating attractive people? I like smart, well-read, tall men with a very dry sense of humour, and if they happen to be attractive, hey, bonus, nice scenery too. Does that make me a better person than someone who dates solely on basis of looks? Hell no. Smarter, maybe, as looks fade while the other stuff tends to stick around longer.

Gadarene. Count me in with the people who say looks are obviously not the problem, if you’re getting the dates in the first place. The quality of “mmm-I-really-want-to-kiss-him-and-keep-kissing-him way” isn’t necessarily about physical hotness, either; it’s about chemisty. And like Lissa pointed out, if they say “Let’s just be friends”, go with that for awhile, and don’t push so hard for romance. If you’re confident and give off good energy, that’s more than enough and women will flock to you.

Wait, then how do you explain this?

Women are so confusing… :confused: