I’ve only been out for a few years, and just started becoming serious in finding a long term relationship. I used to suffer from a bruised ego when I get turned down by a woman and then see her another woman who is more attractive/stylish/has more money than me.
That didn’t prepare me for what I started experiencing lately. That is when you try to date a girl and she turns you down, only to find her pursuing a used-up looking woman with 15 piercings and 30 tattoos…or sagging pants with a basketball jersey…or a chick so nerdy that she probably LARP on her weekends.
I’m the fit cleancut button-down but stylish girl who I’m safe to bring home to your parents or show to your friends, yet that’s not good enough. I don’t understand how some women think.
How they think is for one reason or another you’re just not their type. It doesn’t matter what your orientation is, you’re simply going to meet a lot of people that don’t click with you, no matter how much you’d like to them to…probably most of us can tell you about seeing or meeting the girls/guys multiple someones we were infatuated with preferred over us and wondering what they had that we didn’t (I mean really, what does he see in her?). It sucks, but what can you do?
Just keep in mind that not being their type doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you or them. I’ve recently resumed a friendship with a guy who had a hard time dealing with the fact that I just wasn’t interested in him. He’s a great guy, but he’s really quiet and I’ve always, all the way back to middle school, preferred guys who are more out-going than I am. His being more introverted than me is not a flaw, and my preference for extroverts isn’t a flaw either. We got past our issue, and he’s now dating a nice, also quiet girl who seems to make him very happy.
I can’t really speak for the world of lesbian dating, but speaking as a chick… I’d go for the nerdy guy who probably LARPs on weekends over the button-down but stylish guy. I’m a geek, I like geeks. I know many people who self-identify as geeks who wouldn’t appear to be, and who dress very stylishly.
You seem pretty focused on appearance, and bristle that you’ve been beaten by those you perceive to be inferior to you physically. This usually strikes me as vanity and arrogance, and few things would turn me away quicker. Confidence - sure. An air of smug self-superiority? Pass, I don’t care how you look.
From your OP you seem to have a pretty low opinion of geeky pursuits (LARPing, piercings, etc.). Which is fine–not everyone likes the same things. But if these women who are turning you down are more interested in women who do those things, maybe it’s for the best that they’re not with you. Not because you’re not an attractive person but because people do like to form relationships with people they’ve got common grounds or interests with.
This. And, y’know, it would be only fair to wish you the same lavish outpouring of sympathy that same nice guys cop whenever they venture to stick their heads above the parapet - but it would be a harsh old world if we all got what we deserved, now wouldn’t it?
Eh, sweetheart, I got news for you: different strokes for different people. Us nerds got the right to get laid too!
If I’d brought home/introduced to my friends any kind of “cleancut button-down but stylish guy”, they would have shaken him down for nerd credentials and, upon finding none, taken me to see a shrink (finding said credentials would have been occasion for much rejoicing and quoting of Tolkien). And yet, the immense majority of the people who know me from work or social situations would never suspect…
A right? Man, nerds these days. Back when I was single it was all I could do to get noticed, forget about getting laid.
And as for my nerd cred, my brother gave me a bumper sticker for Christmas which reads “Not all who wander are lost.” I immediately recognized it as a misquote. The actual line from Bilbo’s poem is “Not all those who wander are lost”. I don’t think dropping a pronoun from the quote hurts it, but I could tell it wasn’t quite right when I read it.
Indeed. Just wait until you do find someone, only to discover that what she wants most is drama and jealousy. Ah, dating…it make the hangover seem like a pleasant sensation in comparison.
If you present yourself in real life the same way you’ve presented yourself here then “some women” probably think you’re boring and shallow. Do you have anything to offer except an inoffensive appearance? You don’t mention any other reason why you should be considered desirable. You also don’t give any reason why you should be preferable to the woman with tattoos, etc., aside from you not liking the way they look. Well, it doesn’t matter if you like the way they look, because they’ve got other women after them already. Perhaps the tattooed lady, basketball fan, or LARPer seem really hot to those with different tastes than you, or perhaps they are simply interesting enough as individuals to make up for their less-than-gorgeous looks.
It hurts to be rejected, but you need to accept the fact that no one person can be everyone else’s type and get over the idea that you deserve to “win” based on the clothes you wear. There are women out there for whom clean-cut, button-down but stylish is their preferred physical type, but that alone is not going to be enough to impress anyone.
If you were a guy, I wouldn’t date you either. Your post makes you sound like a shallow, boring loser with no interests or hobbies, who thinks showering every day gives you the right to touch everybody elses boobs. No way.
(I’m not insulting you. I’m sure you are delightful in real life. But that is what you sound like here. If you sound like that trying to pick up girls, I think we diagnosed the problem, Doc.)
it’s never that simple. I’m sure your memory isn’t accurate or maybe you’re very young.
[snipped stuff about ugly/nerdy/whatever girls]
People either like you and want to “go for it” for at least a little while, or they don’t. There’s no point in asking them why. They will lie - unless they’re scrupulously honest, and very few people are - and who cares anyway? Why ask someone who won’t like you? Ask someone who does why they do!
Here’s my advice as a recovering terminally shy guy: if you see someone and you like her/him, ask them out - as soon as you can (talk to them for a bit, but don’t wait till the next time you see them if you can help it). Do not wait, do not think too much about it, just ask them. Expect a pleasant evening (food, talk, that kind of “pleasant”) and nothing more than that.
If they say no, you’ve only just met, and you can easily get over it. If they say yes, go from there - and remember that you’re both just trying to find out who this other person is. Looks ain’t everything. I should know
Yawn. What you clearly don’t realize is dating is not a science, and most people don’t select who they’re with from a checklist of who is the cutest or most buttoned down. I’m not sure why you haven’t realized this considering people who have rejected you have ended up with people who are both “better” and “worse” than you are. Basically this:
and this:
I’m going to assume she doesn’t present herself this way in person, and is just venting into the internets. No less, your point is still valid of her perhaps not having as much to offer in the way of companionship as she thinks. I’d like to think, hell, maybe she is awesome, and just hasn’t met the right person yet, but precisely zero percent of the people I have come across who whine and bitch about what’s wrong with women (or men, or people in black ties) ever seem to have any grasp on the concept that maybe they aren’t that likeable. If I ever meet a single person who does this who isn’t completely clueless, I shall topple over and die of shock.
