Care to join me in bemoaning an unrequited crush?

I would post this in my livejournal but the boy in question is on my friends list and I don’t know how often he actually reads there, and I need to vent, so here I am.

I have this friend M who I met back in October. When we met we hit if off and I liked him a lot, but I learned very soon after that he had a long distance girlfriend. Oh well, I said. I still talked to him online and saw him around here and there when I could come to hang out with the gang. I told him not too long ago, because I’m so comfortable with him, that I liked him as soon as I met him, and occasionally joked that I’d gladly be his back-up plan should they break up.

Then around the end of May, he broke up with her. And I thought “now’s my chance!” So since then I kept hoping he’d get around to me and maybe we could go out and see if there’s something more to be made of our friendship.

The last two Saturdays I asked him to hang out and both times he had other plans, but I felt like I was being blown off (longer story). After the first Saturday I decided I was done, this was too much emotional wear and tear. Then Thursday night I had a dream that we kissed and I was all goofy about him again. And now after this past weekend I’m feeling fed up again.

Then on Sunday night I had a revelation. I realized that I had been assuming all this time that M had feelings for me in return, when I never actually knew if he did or not. I’d been wondering, but I was acting on the assumption that he liked me, too, and so here I was waiting around for my turn, so to speak. I also realized that if he wanted to hang out with me, he could have asked me any old time. I know he doesn’t really go out during the week, but on the weekends he could have asked me. I’m so frustrated because I feel sort of stupid about the whole thing, but I’m annoyed with myself because I know that the next time I see him I’ll probably go all mushy on the inside and want him again.

I suppose this answers the question I’d had for a while, which was “do I really like him, or do I like him because of the flirting?” It’s a little of both, because we are good friends either way, but once again I got roped in by flirting.

[self pity]When will I be loved?[/self pity]

Join me in sharing similar tales, if you wish!

ALL my crushes save one or two have been unrequited and in those circumstances, the people that returned the feelings were online friends so I can empathize. It’s a tough situation to deal with initially but since I crush so easily and often, it doesn’t sting for me anymore. I’m generally happy if they’re content enough to be my friend. Better something than nothing, right?

I hope you have better luck. If he doesn’t come around, someone will. :slight_smile:

Usually I’d just tell you to be honest, and just let him know. After all, he could be as shy about his feelings as you are.

But I’m going to go in the other direction. Don’t tell him.

Because if you do get together, the chase is over. The chase, the longing, the not-knowing is kind of a nice(?) feeling. I miss the chase.

Don’t get me wrong. Once you start a relationship, thats great too. But its different, and definitely not as exciting. You don’t get the same adrenalin rush, the same fear and the little debates with your friends where you start over-analysing every sign and action that the other person has made.

So enjoy these feelings while you can…

Ya know, life needn’t be a soap opera.

We don’t all measure our life’s experiences in teaspoonsful of quiet desperation.

Take your tight, restrictive bra off and let them hang loose.


You’ll feel so much better.

Well, you asked for similar tales, so let me tell you a story of unreqited love:

A long time ago in a school not so very far away (from me at any rate), a 10 year old dogfish sat across the table from a young ginger haired girl who we shall call Angelfish (not her real name). Dogfish, being a 10 year old boy *knew[i/] girls were icky, and no self respecting boy would have anything to do with them, indeed, even borrowing a pencil entailed the risk of getting girl germs. Angelfish seemed to keep pestering dogfish, trying to sit next to him at lunch, near him in assembly. At the age of 11, dogfish passed his entrance exam for the local grammar school, and left behind the open plan ‘corridors’ of the middle school to go to a scary place where you had to wear a blazer as part of the uniform.

Time passed, and it came to pass that in order to learn to drive the 17 year old dogfish would have to get a job, dutifully he obtained employment as a data entry clerk for a multinational bank (read ‘in a soul destroyingly boring job that fitted in with school’). One evening in the break room a girl walked in. Dogfish’s friend (who had worked there for a few years already) pointed out to dogfish, with all the tact of 17 year old testosterone crazed youths “Bloody hell, look at the arse on her”. Dogfish looked, and saw from behind a very shapely young flame haired beauty getting a packet of Nik-Naks from the vending machine. She turned from the machine, and dogfish recognised Angelfish. In the 6 years since he had last seen her had, shall we say, grown somewhat :wink: . Their eyes met across the room and she smiled and started walking towards dogfish and his friend, she sits down with them and says to dogfish (whose expression looks something like that of a rabbit caught in the headlights) “Dogfish?”.

“Erm, yeah. Hi, erm, you’re Angelfish, but you know that”, stumbles dogfish, with all the suave sophistication of a 17 year old nerdy lad talking to a good looking girl. “I thought it was you, dogfish, how are you?”

As we can see, dogfish had a turn-your-legs-to-jelly-make-your-words-come-out-all-jumbly crush on theis girl who used to annoy him. This continued for the 6 months he worked there (she had a boyfriend, a huge rugby playing 20 year old boyfriend). One day dogfish heard that she had finished with her boyfrien, he almost confessed his feelings, but then overheard her in conversation with her girlfriends “Oh, I would never go out with anyone less that two years older than me” dogfish slunk away into a corner :frowning: .

Eventually, dogfish gave up and moved onto pastures new. About a month later, while talking to his mate again, dogfish hears that Angelfish has been talking about him. “What did she say, pray tell?” said dogfish.

“Oh, that when you were at scool together she had the biggest crush on you, but you didn’t seem to care at the time”

Dogfish::smack: :smack: :smack: :smack: :smack:

Just after that I met a girl who I have been with for the last 3 years :smiley: , as for Angelfish, I really don’t know, I hadn’t really thought about her till now.

Still, my advice would be to either ask him straight out, and find out once and for all, or failing that, enjoy the happy bits of a crush, don’t dwell on the sad bits, and get on with living life, best of luck to you however you handle it :slight_smile: .

Shoot, boss is lurking near. No time to read in depth, but I can sympathize with the unrequited crush. They suck. Best regards.

Firstly, blowing you off may or may not mean anything. It’s almost certain he doesn’t yet feel strongly about you; you are probably not as central to his life as he is to yours - not in a bad way, but he won’t have an unrequited crush on you. Accept that. Specifically it’s really quite likely that he was doing something else, and, while liking you a lot, just didn’t think to include you. Of course, anything else - from loving you but being too shy to see you, to hating you and wishing you’d leave him alone - but this is quite possible.

Secondly, yes, it’s easy to assume he feels the same way, when there’s no evidence for it. I’m impressed you recognised that from the inside of it, as it were. However, you never know - so maybe it’s worth making a move. (You need to consider: (1) the longer story - you won’t want to admit it, but it may make clear whether he likes you or not (2) whether this will ruin your friendship and if you care.)

Thirdly, livejournals. It’s amazing how much more soap-opera-like they make your life…

Throughout high school, I had crushes on several girls in my social group (AV club, Stage Crew, Band). Circumstances conspiring against me (either they had boyfriends, I had no money to pay for dates, and there is also the dim possibility that I was an introverted nerdy geek long before that was cool), the crushes remained unrequited.

After we graduated, we mostly kept in touch for holidays and parties and stuff. Several of these ladies said, just before they moved away or got married, that they had had crushes on me during high school. Yay.

:smack: would seem to be the smiley of choice for this thread.

Not to worry, sara, I feel the same way about you!

“M” does stand for Mike, right? :smiley:

I’ve had a crush on this one guy for more than 20 years. It comes and it goes and recently I heard some news that made me think about him again. It’s so stupid because I have a really cool, wonderful husband who I love and who is totally hotter than this guy - who isn’t even hot at all. Meanwhile I am able to go to this website and look at pictures of my crush and I just deleted it from my bookmarks this morning because it was getting out of hand.

Really, now, has anyone not had an unrequited crush?

I, too, had several crushes back in high school, but I was just an ordingary geek rather than an introverted geek, so I actually asked most of my crushes out. And invariably got shot down.

Oh, well. At least I didn’t have to wonder if my feelinbgs were returned.

Oh definatly!

I love my boyfriend, but definatly miss the “he touched my hand! OMG! Does this mean he likes me? Was it just accidental?” type moments.

Oh boy, this is a very timely thread…
I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it, so moaning here might actually be helpful…

Flashback to my college days (!GAK! ten years ago)
[I’m female, and straight btw… just to fill out the cast of characters a bit]
In the course of going about my normal life, early in my Jr. year, I meet Mr. Nice Guy (I actually don’t remember how, probably through some mutal friend). Mr. Nice Guy lives in my building, we share interests, have similar senses of fun, and both have chronic insomnia. We become buddies, and spend a lot of time together doing things like going to late night movies, taking pointless roadtrips in the middle of the night, playing board games, watching TV etc. Mr. Nice Guy had a very serious girlfriend when we met (and in fact they got engaged a few months later) and I can very honestly say there was nothing romantic, sexual, lustful, or anything else about our friendship, we were totally just buddies (in fact I was generally refered to as his faithful sidekick).
We spent tons of time together, and did many cool things during my Jr and Sr years… he is part of some of my best college memories.

I graduated, and left the town we went to college in… Mr. Nice Guy and his (now) fiancee were still finishing school.
We stay in touch, talk from time to time, and see each other occassionally, till Mr. Nice guy graduates, and moves to a nearby state. We still e-mail from time to time, and try to keep up to date on each other’s lives, but no longer see each other. The fiancee (whom I never liked) becomes royal cheating bitch, but Mr. Nice Guy (being who he is) says he loves her anyway, and lives with the problems… for years.

Fast Forward to the Present (or more accurately, the past few months)

Mr. Nice Guy finally grows a spine, and kicks out the bitchy cheating ex-fiancee…
We still talk occassionally. When he starts dating again, he asks me for advice from a female viewpoint, and my career as “dear abby” begins. I’m glad he’s getting back into life, and starting to cheer up. Since he he’s got some free time, we make plans to get together (it’s a couple hours drive) and he comes to visit me for the weekend. Honestly, I’m expecting a weekend of late night movies, popcorn, trivial pursuit, and college memories… But alas that was not to be the whole story. Somewhere in the middle of the weekend, bang giagantic mutant crush from hell hits me out of nowhere. About a guy I have known for years, and never had even the slightest interest in! I have no idea what to do about this. So far, I’ve hidden it from him, currently he has no clue. I was hoping the crush would die a natural death, and things would just go back to normal. Unfortunately, it’s been a couple of months, and it does not appear that is going to happen. We’ve spent a second weekend together (more friend stuff), and the crush is getting worse.
Of course, now that I’ve decided he’s going to have to know at ome point… he starts dating a girl he’s really interested in, and he sees potential for something serious there (all of which I know in excruciating detail because I’m still playing “dear abby”).
So, now I have a really hard decision to make.
Do I just wait, put my feelings on hold, and try to be a good friend (including trying to help him be successful in the relationship he’s going for)? Or do I tell him now (which will likely confuse the heck out of him) and risk ruining our friendship?

UGGGGH! Why did this chrush have to hit me now?

av8rmike, alas, the truth comes out. I left the NYC Dopefest with someone else just to make you jealous! :wink:

I’ve already told him on more than one occasion that I liked him as soon as I met him, I said so in the OP. I have considered asking him if he has feelings back for me, but the result is lose-lose: either he says yes and then I wait around wondering when we’ll get together, or he says no and I’m hurt/rejected.

I’m a theater kid. It goes with the territory. Right along with the International Thespian Society membership card that I’ve carried in my wallet since 1995.

If nothing more comes of our friendship, nothing’s going to get ruined. I’m already feeling “meh” about the whole thing as it is. OTOH, I know that every time I start to feel this way, something happens to make me want him again.

I’m also totally lacking in the relationship history department, and M is someone I think I could really care for so I’ve been a bit over anxious for something to happen there. But like I said, I’ve been unfair in assuming he liked me too. I’ve also been unfair in feeling like I should automatically have been next on the list. On top of it all, I don’t even know if M is ready for something new yet. It’s been almost 2 months since they broke up (they dated a year and halfish) but I have no idea if he wants to start looking.

I need to talk to him about something else relating to all this anyway (which isn’t worth explaining here) but I want to do it in person. If he’d come out on Monday night then I would have done it there. We’re all hanging out on Friday night and he’ll probably get invited, but I don’t know if he’ll come. If he does, I’ll try to talk to him then. I won’t talk to him about the whole thing online because he always speaks (and not just to me) in like one or two word answers. I’ll be needing more than that. :slight_smile:

Oh and as for the feeling of being blown off…well, I’d say I was taking it harder because of how I feel, yknow, taking everything too personally. But beside that, I don’t think he’s the type of guy that would purposely do something mean-spirited like that (and friends would agree).

There’s this guy at work who I adore. He’s attractive and very nice, but the poor boy is dumb as a bag of hair. That doesn’t stop me. I think about him all the time. I’ve talked to him a couple times and I get all nervous and butterfly-ish.

I feel like I’m in freaking 7th grade.

I don’t know how he feels about me. I would ask him to go out but 1) I’m a huge wuss and 2) I don’t want him to laugh at me.

I’m sure he knows how I feel, because all of the people I work with are blabbermouths. Like I said: 7th grade.

This is tearing me up, and I feel stupid for a myriad of reasons.

By Pandora: “Do I just wait, put my feelings on hold, and try to be a good friend (including trying to help him be successful in the relationship he’s going for)? Or do I tell him now (which will likely confuse the heck out of him) and risk ruining our friendship?”

Yes, waiting around is the thing to do here. Especially if you feel like you have another ten years to waste before his next relationship falls through.

Or you could, like, you know, Go For It!

Just sayin’. :slight_smile:

If I had a nickel for every unrequited crush, I’d have alot of nickles.

I have one right now. The occasions of our together come about during the course of my employment. Part of my job is to massage his scalp with a medicinal substance. It’s become a rather intimate and sensual thing to me, and I try to stretch out the application for as long as possible.
He’s got a girlfriend, I have a boyfriend. We’re way different and often clash in our opinions on things that we talk about, mostly politics. He’s a re…r…-rePUBlican for gods sake.
And yet, I want him. So bad I can almost taste him in my mouth. When I aherm am required by my duties to get very very close to him and touch him, my pupils dilate, the depths of my skin gets hot while the surface gets cold, my knees become like JelloTM, and my breathing becomes fast and shallow.

This sucks.

Ah, yes. Unrequited crushes. They make life interesting, don’t they?

I’ve always loved having crushes. Even when I’ve been in relationships, I’ve always still had crushes. Half the time I think I purposely “crush” on people I know I’ve got no shot at (they’ve got a relationship or I’ve never spoken a word to them) or I wouldn’t do anything with anyway (when I’ve been in a relationship). Just to make my routine life a bit more fun and interesting. They’d give me a reason to doll myself up or actually get excited about going to work or to a class I normally dreaded.

They only got to be a pain in the ass when I’d really start liking the person and knew it wasn’t going to happen. Then I’d just start to resent the hell out of the person and act like a bitch. Then I’d get pissed at myself for acting like a bitch for no good reason. Then I’d start resenting the person for “making” me act like a bitch. Rinse, Repeat.


Then there’d be the crush created out of boredom that perculated to the point where I had our future children named before I’d even had an actual conversation with Mr.-Future-Husband-Who-Just-Doesn’t-Know-It-Yet. Of course I’ve imagined our whole first conversation. This crush is serving to cure boredom, remember. Then we’d have an actual conversation and since I’ve worked up this interaction so much in my mind, I’m so nervous I end up being a yammering fool. Or a stuttering idiot. Or any other equally embarrasing, nightmarish scene.

That’s pretty much what went down at school a couple weeks ago. Been in class with Mr. Crush four nights a week all damn year. Find myself alone with him in the break room for the first time all damn year. Proceed to look at him like an idiot for a full hour. Well, about 30 seconds really, but it felt like an hour. And he was just standing there looking at me. Very akward. Starting to panic. Tried to think of something witty to say. Failed miserably. Very embarrased. Shuffled off with head down. Now he looks at me with sort of a mixture of distain and curiosity.


I think I’ll go eat some chocolate and talk to my cat now. Get used to my fate.

I wish I could be as romantic and “thrill of the chase” about it as y’all. I think it just sucks. I’ve got one too, and I wish I could just stop going on about it to anyone and everyone who listens.

And I really wish I didn’t keep seeking the guy out to talk with him, when it just puts me right back into mushy smitten phase every damn time. At this point, I think the only way he could be more my dream guy is if I found out he flew the Millenium Falcon.

My strongest unrequited crush:

So my friend Cathy (names aren’t changed because everyone already basically knows the story anyway, on the off chance that anyone else who I know ever ends up reading this) was having a birthday party. It started out at a restaurant. While there, I noticed a woman who was one of Cathy’s friends who I’d never met who I thought was absolutely gorgeous. The next thing I noticed about her was that when Cathy opened the present I had gotten her (The Golden Compass by Phillip Pullman), she (this woman) exclaimed about how excellent it was.

Then the party moved to Cathy’s house, where we all played a game of Celebrities. Playing social games of that sort happens to be one of my absolute favorite pastimes. And it’s rare that one meets a woman who really enjoys them. This woman (her name is Margaret) not only enjoyed them, but she was incredibly smart, witty, and good at them. And she was obviously very competitive, although not at all in an unpleasant fashion. She and I were on the same team, and I really fooled myself into thinking there was a “click” as we were working toghether.
However, I assumed that she was attached. After all, this is Silicon Valley, and hot, smart, funny, game-loving women are a rare and precious commodity. But later on I asked Cathy, and she didn’t think that was the case. So I wrote Margaret an extremely witty and entertaining (if I do say so myself) email asking her out.

And got no reply.

And got no reply.

And got no reply.


For crying out loud, woman, if you’re not interested, respond quickly but politely. And it’s not like I’m some random stranger creep. I was introduced to her by a friend, which should give me some right to at least ask her out.
Anyhow, I finally emailed her again, and then she got around to turning me down. But my lord did I have a serious crush on her for quite some time. Still kinda do, in fact.

Oh, and for the record, Saramamalana, what little I know of you leads me to believe that you are Quite A Catch. This guy’s an idiot. If I weren’t involved right now, I’d flirt up a storm.