I feek weak asking for 'relationship' advice, but...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

…there’s this guy.

He has been throwing quite a few hints about the place that he fancies me, hints that give enough away for me to be pretty sure that he does - and I don’t feel the same. At all. And I’m worried that he’s going to make his feelings clear to me sometime pretty soon (he keeps making not-so-subtle attempts to organize things within our group of friends that end up with we two somehow seperate or cut off from everyone else, etc etc), and in doing so, or course, he’ll be asking me to tell him how I feel about him.

Normally, I’d be perfectly OK telling someone, ‘Look, I’m sorry, it’s flattering and all, but I’m not interested.’ But…(there’s always a 'but!)

I’ve recently finished college, and my rather tight knit group of friends from those times has disbanded pretty abruptly. Which was sad (and lonely-making). Somehow or other, I’ve managed to come into contact with and integrate myself into a group of people who were already fast friends (of whom this guy, Sean, is one). And they’re great. They’re wonderful, fun, supportive and have welcomed me with open arms, not to mention pretty quickly.

So, I feel if I tell this guy I don’t feel the way he does, it will get around (and it will, we feed on gossip) and the group, who’ve obviously known him for longer will ‘side’ with him, and I will be gradually outcast (We’re all 19-21, so I feel that this ‘sideing’ thing is quite likely. Grown-up behaviour about this sort of thing is yet to come naturally to us :slight_smile: ). I don’t want to lose these new friends.

Sean is a decent guy, but not someone I want to be in a relationship with. He seems pretty thin-skinned though, easily hurt. Which makes it harder. I also know he’s very likely to repeat to quite a number of people what goes on between us, if anything does (I mean ‘goes on’ in terms of what happens when - and I think it is a when and not an if - I have to tell him I don’t reciprocate his feelings).

This is all killing me, I don’t think this can actually end well. At least, not without someone’s feelings wounded.

Any thoughts?

(btw the thread title is not meant to imply that people who ask for advice about this sort of thing are weak…I’m just usually not comfortable with it. I like to be able to sort it out myself.)

2

Also, I really wish I’d checked the thread title spelling. :slight_smile: Sorry all.

3

I think you might be underestimating his friends, but I obviously don’t know that. If they are as great as you think they are, then I don’t think they would shun you for simply not having romantic feelings for one of them. But, if something like this seriously caused them to cool towards you, then you’re better off moseying on and finding some other friends. What kind of friends say:

Weird Friends: “We don’t care if Gmork has any romantic feelings for Sean. We think it’s best for the group if she acts like she does, regardless of her feelings.”

Remember, someone has to start doing the “grown-up” thing sooner or later - Why not be the one to set an example?

4

You probably won’t like what I’m going to say, but ;), it’s better to clear the air now and let whatever happen take effect sooner. What are the alternatives? Hook up with him? Wait to tell him you aren’t in to him down the road from now after your group has grown even closer? I don’t think any option is easy, but if these people are as you describe them, perhaps it will work out fine.

Do you have a person in the group in which you could confide these thoughts?

5

Gmork - best of luck, these types of situations can be tough, both in terms of dealing with someone who is nice but you are genuinely not interested in (at least for now) while finding your way with friends as you move past college.

There are a lot of observations to be made:

  1. It is always better to be up front. Find the right occasion in the very near future to walk up to Sean and say “Look, I may be wrong about this, but I am getting the sense that you might be interested in me as more than a friend - if that is not true, I am sorry to bring it up now. If it is true, please understand that I am not interested in a relationship right now - it is just not where my head is at. I do like hanging out with you as part of the group and hope we can continue to do so, but leave it at that.” No need to say you aren’t interested in him that way or anything like that, just that you aren’t interested in anything right now. Avoid making it personal to him, but be direct and firm.

  2. I am sorry your college friends have gone separate ways and it sounds like you have hooked up with some good new friends, which is nice. However, you need to look out for yourself - if you deal with Sean in a straight manner, as described above, you have done what you can. If that leads to him talking to the group in an inappropriate manner, he is not someone you want to be hanging out with. If they respond by shunning you somehow, they aren’t a group you want to be part of. It might be very hard to take coming after what happened to your college group, but better that you learn what they are about sooner. Be true to yourself and take care of yourself. Just because the group “feeds on gossip” doesn’t mean the end for you - although if they do act that way, frankly, you should want no part of them. 21-year-olds do exist with integrity and moral centers - you’d be better off finding they. They can party, too. But give this group a chance.

6

I’ve an idea, it just might work. Instead of being honest with him, just sitting him down and saying - “I just don’t feel for you that way” (that’s for losers), why not try being deliberately vague? Perhaps lead him on, give him your number… but then don’t pick up when he rings. Or do… but say you’ve got plans but of course you’d love to meet up sometime… when you’re free. Keep this up for about a week or two, longer if he doesn’t catch on. Of course he’ll eventually pick up that you weren’t really interested and say “Thank jesus she didn’t straight up tell me she wasn’t interested”.

I mean… what are your other options? None, that’s what. But a geniune tip is that you may want to find some new friends if they’re going to snub you for not wanting to date some dude.

7

Hi, Gmork. :slight_smile:

Speaking as a chap, we are not usually good at expressing our feelings. So from what you say, this guy may feel strongly about you, although you have given him no encouragement.

But as Sat on Cookie rightly says, if his friends are so shallow that they reject you if you politely let Sean know the position, then they are not worth having as friends.

You could invent a distant boyfriend (depends if you’re good at conspiracies).

You could look around for even more friends (join a club or similar).

You could tell Sean that you are happy to be in a group with him, but don’t want to take it any further than that. I had a girl tell me this once, and it didn’t feel too bad!

But don’t stress too much about this - take some action, because that is better than just worrying.

8

WordMan’s advice looks good but I wouldn’t say things like “right now”. If you want him to be your friend treat him like a friend. That means don’t give him any hope that your friendship can ever be more than that. If you play it straight he’ll be your friend. If you give him a sniff of something else it’s a relationship based on a misunderstanding.

9

Is there anyone else in the group that you are interested in romantically? If not, maybe you could just play it safe by saying you’re not really interested in dating anyone right now (just got out of college, sorting yourself out, don’t know where life will take you next, etc.).

This isn’t exactly how I would handle it, but it does make it possible for you to make it not at all about Sean. On the other hand, if your group is gossip hungry, this will mean not suggesting to the others that it was a Sean-specific statement, so no talking to another friend about why you weren’t interested in him.

Best of luck, Gmork.

10

There is another option.

Is there a friend of his in the group that you could talk to in private and reveal this? Talk to them with the assumption that the conversation will make it back to Sean and perhaps the mutual friend can break the news for you and Sean can save face by not revealing his feelings.

11

I do think that it would hurt all the friendships in the group if you had to reject him personally. He would probably be too embarrassed to see you at group get-togethers after the rejection, and that would force the group to decide which one of you they want to hang out with.
So, your best bet is to make it clear you’re not interested before he even asks.
For example, if you’re hanging out and the conversation turns to relationships, find a way to casually mention that you’re not looking for romance, or that you don’t believe in letting platonic friendships turn to romance because it would be too weird for you. Find excuses to avoid hanging out alone with him.

Or, hey, try to introduce him to other girls, or encourage him to join a dating site. Clearly, trying to hook him up with other girls will send the message you don’t want to date him yourself, and if he falls for someone else it will make the problem go away. :slight_smile:

12

IMHO dropping hints might not work - people say “they’re not looking for anything right now” for this sort of reason, so a sufficiently optimistic suitor will ignore it. Going via a third party gets my vote as least awkward so long as there’s someone appropriate. Avoid making it sound like you want them to give him a talking to or anything, perhaps say something like “I keep thinking Sean is coming onto me… do you think so?” and get “Well, DUH!” or “You should be so lucky” and then mention that you don’t see it going anywhere, and he can mention this to Sean if he likes, but don’t talk about this conversation much… et voila.

Aside: not knowing the situation I shouldn’t say this, but you’re sure you don’t want to give him a chance? :wink:

13

I went through basically the exact same thing…except he didn’t even have the nerve to talk to me directly. He sent mututal friends (quite a few, actually) to ask me out for him. I eventually told him I wasn’t interested (yes, I sought him out and told him this in person…going through everyone else got old quickly). He text-messaged, calling me a few choice words. My friends, which had known him longer, did not drop me, as I was sure they would. They respected my decision. In fact, a few of them no longer associate with him because of the things he “texted” me (no, I did not ask them to do so). Hope the “been there, got the t-shirt” thing helps some :wink:

14

You guys rule :slight_smile:

Now that I think about it, you’re, right, I suppose I could easily be underestimating The Friends™. I didn’t really mean to imply that they would start ignoring me at once, just that their longer standing friendship with Sean might give them an understandable bias, which leaves things awkward in general and would probably result in some kind of far-lessened friendship between myself and they.

But, perhaps it won’t. I’d like to think to think they’re capable of both sympathizing with Sean if he ends up upset by all this, and respecting my decision. I might just be getting paranoid that I’ll lose them because I’m so glad to finally be with friendly people again, after months of talking only to inanimate objects :smiley:

Anyway, thanks all, it was great advice, though obviously I’ll have to make choices between much of it. I’ll mull it all over and try and come up with the ‘best-bet’ solution with the least awkwardness factor. :slight_smile:

Cheers!

15

You shouldn’t feel as though you were out-of-line to ask this, it’s a perfectly cogent question, given the situation.

The answer, though, is ‘Yes, I’m sure.’ And I’m wary now of going into/not going into relationships without being sure of my feelings either way. A few months ago I met someone who asked me out, and I couldn’t figure out whether it was crueler to agree to it when it was obvious to me that my feelngs (which were more along the ‘kinda curious’ line, rather than the ‘actually interested’ one) were nowhere near as strong as his, or crueler not to give him a chance. I hooked up with him, and the whole thing ended quickly and with him being pretty hurt. I don’t want to do that to anyone again.