A couple of weeks ago a guy I’d met a couple of times asked me out for coffee. Hell, I’m willing to date almost anybody once or twice. It turns out that we’ve got a lot of interests in common and our general outlook is similar and all. I don’t get the instant crush/hit by lightning feeling I met when I first met my ex, but I’m told that’s all right.
Well, I’ve seen him a couple of times since then. We get along GREAT. I like him lots.
But I’m just not attracted to him in a romantic or sexual sort of way. And I’m horribly sure that he IS attracted to me. And while I don’t want to hurt his feelings, I also don’t want to lead him on.
But I DO want to be friends. I know that’s one of the things that I’ve heard men complain about on this very board – but it’s still true in this case. We could make very very good friends.
HELP! I feel like I should let him know somehow before he goes gaga over me. I don’t want to be all dishonest and lead him on. I like him too much for that. My gut says to tell him something along the lines of “I like you lots, and I enjoy hanging around with you, but I’m just not picking up any chemistry here.” At least it’s the truth. I’m guessing this is one of those situations where being indirect is only going to hurt more in the long run…?
I guess I’m jaded, but I say that if you find a guy that you like, and treats you well, and has the same likes/dislikes and outlook as you do, then you should give him a chance. I’ve been with so many jerks who treated me like crap (and each time I had that “crush” feeling that obviously numbed my brain). I finally found a guy that I fell in love with, but I wouldn’t describe it as electric.
Now, if you feel grossed out by the thought of having sex with this guy, then that’s a different matter. Have you kissed him yet? If so, did you feel anything at all? If you didn’t feel anything, then you should probably downgrade him to friend status. But do it gently, and if he’s a good person then he’ll respect your honesty and will want to remain your friend.
Having had a hopeless teenage crush on somebody once who didn’t make it clear VERY quickly that he wasn’t interested, I have to agree that it’s better said sooner than later. (Neither of us are teenagers, thank goodness.)
It’s just that we’re going to see each other around anyway, and I’d hate to have something go REALLY bad and mess up what are for me new friendships. Ack!
I’ve been going through this recently, too, and I also think it’s best to just say “no chemistry” upfront. If you’ve kissed him and there’s no chemistry – it ain’t gonna happen later. Some guys will be okay with being friends, some will say “nah, I’d rather not,” so it’s his call – but “leading him on” isn’t doing anyone any favors.
And if you’re friends and the dynamic changes later, that’s fine – but trying to force feelings where they don’t exist because the guy’s right on paper doesn’t work.
** twickster** is absolutely right, but if he (your guy, not twickster) isn’t interested in a simple friendship, let him go.
It would be as improper for you to insist on maintaining a justfriendship that he doesn’t want as it would be for him to insist on a romance that you don’t want.
Sorry for being pedantic, I don’t post in many non-technical advice threads and I have a hard time expressing myself via forum.
I’ve only recently come to understand how important chemistry is to women and I suspect that many other men fail to understand the importance to chemistry. Best of luck to you.
Like I said, no problem. I think I’m worrying more than I should, considering that it’s not been very long. If there was even a hint, I wouldn’t be worrying, but it’s just Not There. I feel sort of bad about it, but there’s no getting around the fact.
Have him read the following spoiler, but don’t read it yourself.
Hey man, go read The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene. He surveys classical literature, biographies, ancient seduction manuals, etc. to come up with a strategy for seduction. Interestingly, it is a lot different from that hippie-ass you-gotta-love-yourself-first sort of crap you usually hear. Hopefully you’re a fast reader.
This is actually a really good suggestion. In addition to saying, “I’m really sorry, I just don’t feel a spark,” you can continue: “But you’re a really great guy, and if you’re willing to be patient I promise to do everything I can to hook you up with one of my single girlfriends, and then I’ll get all jealous and stuff and try to steal you back.”
Don’t say that last part.
