I don’t think this belongs in the Pit, since I’m not angry and promise to watch my language. But if I’m wrong I’m sure it will be moved and I will be embarrassed.
I have this friend (He’s male and I’m female) that I really want to be . . . more then friends with. I think he feels the same. But I honestly can’t tell. My roommate and I have analyzed it to death a thousand times and I still don’t know for sure. I won’t bore you with the whole deal, the short version is that if he wasn’t my best friend for six years I’d be sure he thought of me in that way. But we have a very affectionate, touchy-feely relationship and have for many years so I don’t know what’s him trying to tell me something or him being him.
I don’t know why I’m posting here. No one who knows us can give me any useful advice so I’m not expecting strangers to. I’m just tired of feeling confused and frustrated whenever I’m around him. I’m tired of thinking and worrying about this. I want someone to wave a wand and solve everything.
Thanks for reading and sorry this wasn’t more interesting. I’m not at my best right now.
Erm. Shot in the dark and all but can’t you just you know…TELL HIM!
sorry if that sounded snotty but I’ve had a few instances where I was told years later “Oh that girl was totally in love with you” and I had no clue. Very annoying.
To quote a great feminist. “grab him. And take him”
He already knows. The fact he’s not all over you like white on rice (friendly cuddling doesn’t count) is because he’s not interested. If he gets interested, you’ll know.
For your own peace of mind, it might be best to clear the air.
Be prepared, in case he doesn’t feel the same way.
Maybe, “We’ve been friends a long time, and I’m not sure that you are aware of how I feel. Let me just say first, that it’s okay, if you don’t return the feelings.” Then explain. Calmly. Gently.
Or.
Throw him up against the wall, while screaming,
“WHEN are you going to get it through your thick head…!?”
He may feeling the same way, or not. You don’t know. You won’t know until you find out. Bring up the topic. Carefully. Obviously you don’t want to damage the friendship. But the friendship is already being damaged given that it’s causing at least half of you guys stress.
How you introduce the topic is a matter of personal style and the maturity of the people involved. For the record, I successfully maneuvered my way in and out of this minefield when I got interested in a friend.
A technique that may help you save face is to introduce it in a way to let him fill in the blanks, “I would love to have a boyfriend that has your [insert his great qualities here].”
Depending on if he picks up on this or recoils from this, it may need to be leavened with a disclaimer flavored like “Of course, I would hate more than anything to screw up our great friendship.”
If everthing is failing, you can backpeddle by contexualizing what you put out there as a Genuine Compliment in the manner of “People deserve to be reminded of their good qualities by people who can recognize them.”
I hope that helpful. I know what you’re feeling.
“Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” – Robert Kennedy
Speaking as a guy, I’d actually recommend something more along the lines of the second choice–it seems that a lot of women have a hard time realizing how UNBELIEVABLY thick-headed men can be when it comes to communication like this. It’s one of those “gender differences in communication styles” things. So yeah, choice #2 above is going a bit too far, but the fact that the woman thinks she’s being clear doesn’t necessarily mean that the guy is getting it.
Actually, what you really need to do is ask him. He might say he doesn’t feel that way about it, but ate least you can stop torturing yourself about it. If the friendship is strong, it’ll survive. If it doesn’t, then it wasn’t that good to begin with. And hey, if he says yes, you can have the time of your life!
That is, of course, my opinion and I could be wrong (not that it’s happened before).
I think women are wonderful, but I don’t understand them very well.
This makes me a typical bloke.
Here is a true story.
When I was a teenager, I met an intelligent sweet girl.
We went out. The first time, I wore a suit and she wore jeans. The second date she wore formal and I wore jeans.
Now I play chess a lot. (A real babe magnet :rolleyes: ).
So this wonderful girl says “Let’s go out Saturday!” And I reply sadly “I’d like to, but I can’t because I’m doing a chess display for charity.”
And she says “I’ll come and watch you!”
This does not register with my pea-sized brain. :smack:
I give the display, which takes 3 hours. She brings a book and waits patiently for me to finish!
This does not register with my pea-sized brain. :wally
After a few more dates, I still have not made a move on her. You see I don’t know if she’s interested in me!
So we stay friends, but the dates get fewer and eventually she writes me a lovely letter saying she’s met someone else, but can we still be friends.
MOST MEN HAVE NO CLUE WHETHER A WOMAN IS INTERESTED IN THEM!!!
My suggestion is that you tell him, using the helpful phrases above.
Plenty of guys would say no. More importantly, nearly every guy would lose a lot of respect for her. I think it’s best to just say, “Hey, I like you,” or just kiss the guy. Be explicit. Don’t drop hints, guys don’t pick them up.
I’d lose respect for a stranger. With someone that I’ve known for SIX YEARS, had a close relationship, and perhaps harboured feelings, it would depend a lot on how I actually felt. If I just wanted a friendship I would actually say so (maybe I’m a minority there), but if I wanted more then the little slot machine bells would be going off in my head (Wow, she actually IS interested in me!)
Well are you hot? Then he proly likes you. If on the other hand, you carrying around few extra pounds then he then he proly just wants to be friends. That is of course unless he’s “big boned” too. Than who knows…
No need to analyze us, we’re that shallow…
I tend to agree with this, but I’m a woman, so what do I know
However, if you don’t think that’s the case…
If you are good friends with him, why not bring it up casually one day/night. Maybe one of those times when you are both sitting around doing nothing or having a drink at the local watering hole. You could feign sudden pondering and say something like,
“hey - have you ever thought about what we’d be like as a couple?”
Sort of bring him in on this “sudden” thought that just struck you.
I think his reaction will give you a good indication of his feelings and it will allow you to save face (and preserve the friendship with no weird feeling) if he’s not interested.
Exactly how to go about it (somewhere between the oh-so-softly and the “Show up naked. Bring beer” approaches) depends a lot on both your personalities’. But if he hasn’t brought the subject up, then he won’t. Either he really doesn’t get it, or he’s too shy. Up to you to do it. If you think he’s doesn’t get it, I suggest plan A (“we’ve been friends…”). If you think he’s shy, plan B is probably in order (Throw him against the wall) …
I’m going to have to agree, not all guys will be all over a woman if they think they are not interested. I personally say tell him, if he’s a real friend he’ll say yes or no. Some guys may not want to damage their friendship by saying something naughty. I know I’ve been that way a time or two.
