I’m in a relationship with a really nice girl. We get along fine and I am attracted to her. We just made the jump from friends to relationship after 4 dates. We’ve done some fooling around, nothing below the waist though.
My question is that I have done some deep thinking about it, and am more comfortable with her as a friend right now. The “I just want to be friends” line, while useful, may be too blunt or loaded with bad connontations. I really like this girl and want her to understand that, to use another cliche’d line, “It’s not you, it’s me.” Can anyone suggest a better “strategy”, so to speak?
Mods, if for some reason you think this belongs in another place feel free to move it.
But yeah, expalin it to her like you did to us. If you let her know are afraid you might screw up a good friendship if you jump into things right now, I’d think she’d appreciate it. Shows you’re not just trying to get into her pants. How could she not think ‘friends’ is a good thing. Only thing is, make sure you maintain the friends thing. I’ve been on the receiving end of that speech too many times and how many exes do I speak to these days? One…um, one.
I’ve been on the receiving end of that line several times. Once it was an honest offer of friendship; on the other occasions, it was apparently some sort of code-speak for “I have no intention of ever contacting you again, but I can’t be bothered to tell you so up front.” This is the sort of thing that loads a line with bad connotations; there’s nothing inherently wrong with it if it’s sincere. (You should be the one to follow up with a phone call or an invitation to do something non-romantic, BTW, so that she knows it’s not intended as a complete brush-off.)
The qualifiers “right now” worries me. If you are thinking that you can put her off now and still save the possibility of a romance for later, put it out of your mind, and make damn sure that she dosen’t get the impression that that is the plan. The only way to be fair to her is to make it crystal clear that you don’t anticipate ever being involved in a romantic realtionship with her: otherwise, either she will A) think you are asking her to "wait’ on you ,and get pissed, or B) think you are asking her to wait on you, and actually start waiting on you. Both states will ruin any chance of actually being friends in the future.
And if what you really want is for her to wait on you, grow up and decide.
Fretful, I’ve heard the “I just want to be friends” line so many times, I had thought that it was a sort of “brush-off” cliche that could not possibly be useful. I guess if I explain it correctly, it could work.
Mandy, you made some very good points, and I think I need to clarify. I think that we moved too quickly into a romantic relationship, and that we should be friends for a time and get to know each other better before we take the next step. I don’t expect her to “wait on me”, but I can see how, if I did a poor job of explaining things, that she might get that message. Or is that the kind of thing that you were concerned about?
Actually, I’m also worried about if it will be uncomfortable being around her as just a friend if I explain this correctly, but I’d rather it be uncomfortable for that reason than because I was “leading her on” and didn’t have the guts to tell her how I really felt.
Sam Hell, I think you are fixin’ to play hell! “I think we moved too quickly into a romantic relationship…” It’s next to impossible to back a romantic relationship up into “friends”, and then later resume romance.
Carefully re-read what ** Manda Jo** wrote. You’ll have to either break it off, or suck it up and move ahead with the romance, IMHO.
Good luck, either way.
Yep, you pretty much have to choose at this point. It’s not fair to her to do otherwise, and it will make you look like a commitment-shy jerk. It says to her “Now that I am sure you want me, I want to put you on probation to see if I like you.”
And in any case, you can get to know each other just as well within a romantic relationship as outside it.
I concur with Manda. Just because it is a relation doesn’t mean you can’t get to know her better. If I were that woman I would be mighty steamed at either a) your cowardice or b) your desire to take a “wait and see” attitude.
Having been on the receiving end more than I would like, I speak from experiance. IMHO, For what its worth, your friendship is probably already screwed, or certainly will be the second you say you just wanna be friends. If you think you will save your friendship by backing up, think again, it usually doesnt work that way.
SO…if you think thiers a chance to make the relationship work, go for it, if not, break it off, but dont count on the friend thing being there when your done.
Well, I was going to come in with some advice, but I see Manda JO already hit the nail on the head. Sam Hell, please pay close attention to what she said here:
Good luck with whatever you decide is best for both of you.
You mean guys actually get the chance to use that line?
To date, I can recall 17 occassions where I’ve been fed the friends speech, and it gets harder and harder each time. A lot has to do with the fact that nowadays, relationships move faster than me before, so stoping it before things get too intense is pretty tough. So you’ve got a great opportunity here to stop it before things get too intense.
If you like this girl, but you want to get to know her better before getting involved in a romantic relationship, Slow things down. Explain to her you’re a little apprehensive about things getting too serious too quickly, and that you’d like to take some time to get to know one another better before things get too intense. Take her on a couple of dates, or just go out for a fun night of pool or something, make sure the physical stays simple, and keep communication open. If eventually you decide not to persue a romantic relationship, you can discuss it then. If you think you do, you can pick things up. But do it now, adn make sure she knows what’s going on. Discuss with her weather or not it’s something she wants to do, because while you’re sitting here deciding, she could be growing closer to you, and that could cause problems as well. Communication is the key, and stoping it before a romantic relationship gets underway is the best thing to do.
Also, I agree wtih BooBoo and Manda in that, for me, I never understood the whole “I don’t want to ruin our friendship with by dating” concept. Why is it that a romantic relationship kills a friendship? They’re definitely different, but if you’re starting off as friends, then a relationship just means you’re going to grow closer, thus making the friendship stronger and adding some extra care and fun into the mix. If the relationship falls apart and the friendship can’t continue, most likely, the friendship would have wained anyway.
I think I need more clarification. When you say “I think we moved too quickly into a romantic relationship” do you mean “we started hugging and kissing and thinkng of each other as a couple” ? Once you’ve crossed that physical boundary, it’s really hard to back things up without making someone feel rejected
You could try saying something to the effect that, despite the fact that you are absolutely wild for her physically, you have learned through sad experience that once a couple becomes sexual, the relationship tends to concentrate on the sex, not the relationship, and the pain of losing a lover is much, much worse than that of losing a friend. And because you think she is someone you might really want around for the long haul, you want to make sure you don’t screw this one up by jumping too quickly into bed before she knows for sure that you are the right one, because you never want to see her hurt. So, despite the fact that you are wild for her, you feel that the two of you should wait at least 6 months before crossing that line…kissing can be sooo much fun, and anticipation can make things sooo much better…so that neither of you gets a part of your soul crushed if in 3 months she decides that she just can’t tolerate the way you hum off-key.
There. You’ve told her you desire her, but want to not be a jerk, and you’ve given it a time frame so that neither of you has to wonder when things might progress, and you’ve made her feel like she has some say in how things will work out, and she’ll know you’re different from the immature jerks who just want in her pants.
Cuz that whole “just want to be friends” thing won’t work.
Thank ye all for your input, and I figure the best way to get the best advice is to lay all the cards on the table.
I asked her out to a movie, saying that it was “just as friends” and because I knew that she was new in town and didn’t know anyone, and figured that she could use a friendly face while settling in, and that she probably didn’t need to start a relationship while getting used to a new city. I had no intention of starting a relationship with her; it’s not that I didn’t find her attractive or anything, I just didn’t want to. After the 4th time we went out, she invited me back to her place to watch movies. I agreed, still thinking of her as a friend. After the movies were over it was about 2 o’clock, and she suggested I sleep over there. I agreed, cause it made sense and I was tired. Nothing happened The next morning I rolled over, said hi, and kissed her (just a little peck). She kissed me back, and it kinda snowballed. (No sex yet, just FYI.)
Don’t think that she seduced me or anything like that. It was all pretty natural and entierlly consensual, though I’ll admit that I didn’t think that she was thinking of me in that way at all.The thing is, the whole time we’ve gotten more serious a little voice in the back of my head has been saying “This isn’t right.” Not in a moral sense, but in a “good for everybody” sense. I think I need to “pull the plug” while we are still in the beginning stage, and time is critical.
I have started being uncomfortable when the fooling around starts, not because we move too fast (I’m a big believer in not pushing things) but just because I really think I would be happier with her as a friend instead of in a relationship, and because I don’t think I’ll have those kinds of feelings for her down the road. I like her and am attracted to her, but I know that’s not enough. I know myself well enough to admit that there is a tiny bastard saying “Just go for the ride, make shit up, and have your fun.” I’m not proud of that bit of me, and hope that by doing this I will also be able to stomp that little f*cker down.
That’s all I really have to say. Comment, advise, flame, criticize or whatever.
