Does anyone have any comments about the jump from “just friend” to “romantic interest”?
I tried this once before. I was scared as hell that I was going to fuck up a totally great friendship but also believe that there is no reward without risk. So I (clumsily) told her that I thought she was pretty special. She didn’t feel the same depth of feeling for me. I am fine with that, but was concerned about screwing up an awesome friendship.
Luckily for me, she either didn’t have a big problem with it or if she did, it didn’t last long. She asked me along (to help drive, company) when she moved back east and has invited me to visit her since. So that turned out okay, but I have the impression that this sort of maneuver is generally frowned upon.
But I know it will happen again with someone. Sure, I’m a sucker for a pretty face as much as the next guy, but it is that sort of chemistry and comfort with one another that I seem to find OUTSIDE the dating scene (how you scan a club or party for those ambiguous little personality idiosychracies?) Add to that the numberous testimony of long-married couples that their spouse is also their best friend.
I fully concede that I may be missing some basic Dating 101 here and hope than any anecdotes or opinions can help me wise the hell up and not bark up the wrong trees.
I used to be convinced that I was destined to be with someone who was a friend first. It’s hard to be emotionally attracted to someone you don’t know, and with friends, their
personality can become so special to you; you begin to feel as though you really know each other, and from there its not a big leap to start having romantic feelings. So yes,
go for it, if you start to feel attraction to a friend. Thats how most couples end up together anyway, I would suspect.
Having said that, I went through a few years when it seemed
like I got a crush on a LOT of my male friends, and clouded
a couple good friendships, hurt some feelings, because I would start to be attracted to them, but just couldnt make the transition. I find that it’s very difficult to break
your interaction patterns with others. Even the “we used to
just smile when we greeted each other; I guess now we should hug or kiss or something?” felt so GOOFY!
I HATE that awkward stage at the beginning of dating, and thought I’d just avoid it by dating former friends, but,
hey, it’s ALL awkward sometimes!
I ended up with someone I saw while playing pool with my friends. We locked eyes, it has been pure romance since the very start, and he is my best friend. But it sure wasn’t easy in the beginning! Getting to know someone while also dealing with new emotions can get pretty rocky. It was sure worth it! But like I said in the beginining, I never thought
things would turn out this way.
Moral of my ramblings? For me, fate won out over all my planning.
There are 8 million ways for it to happen. Do what you feel!
Hey - what about chemistry? Sometimes you are friends with a member of the opposite sex because there is no romantic chemistry. It’s hard to convert a good friend to a romantic partner (for me, anyway) because it feels a little like incest.
I had one good friend with whom I later felt some chemistry and the feeling was mutual. However, we both decided to pass because it might come to grief and ruin a wonderful friendship and we knew too much about each other’s psychological and sexual hang-ups.
Our frindship continued unabated and we saw each other thru many romantic misadventures. We would flirt outrageously with each other and bolster our confidence, but that was as far as it would go. I cherished that frienship and got more out of it than any lover or husband could provide at the time.
Sadly, he died young and suddenly. At his memorial service his mother told me, “I always hoped he would marry you.” She had never been fond of his girlfriends, alas.
I would only go for it if I felt the chemistry first and became friends only because I was to chicken to act on it in the beginning.
I started dating a girl with whom I’d been good friends with for about two years. That was around seven years ago.
Today, we’ve been married for five years.
She got spooked about ruining the friendship early on when we started dating and broke up with me for a bit, but hey, let’s face it: I’m irresistable. We started dating again shortly thereafter and the rest is history.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by ejrn *
**It’s hard to convert a good friend to a romantic partner (for me, anyway) because it feels a little like incest.
Very interesting that. There's a girl that I've known for more than 2 years and she means A LOT to me. I was attracted to her as soon as I saw her and I think that she was too but...
...she already had someone. :(
We started seeing each other a lot and... really there was this chemistry but it never went further than lots of eye contact, laughs and akward silences.
About 2 months ago I visited her for the week-end. Her boyfriend wasn't there. Since her apartment was really small, we slept in the same room, barely one meter from each other. It was the first time we were together for such a long time... So I started thinking... and struck me that having sex with her would be... well extremely akward . It was almost as if she had been my sister.
And we had a GREAT time together. We talked about our friendship and we both said that we LOVED each other. A kind of "loving friendship". That was an extremely strong experience. I guess I can consider myself lucky to have such a bond with someone :)
The big best friend-to-romance transition in my life went down in flames.
There were a lot of painful circumstances that clouded the situation that I didn’t find out about until years later, though, so take my experience with a grain of salt.
All I can say is you don’t meet that many people that you’d rather be around than anything else. Those relationships should be treasured.
I really like women as friends, I do. When getting to know them I ask tons of questions about their old relationships & find out if they can handle things like being friends & then being lovers or being lovers & then being friends. Gives me something to talk with them about. You’d have to ask them youself.
We talked about this alot before but I wouldn’t know how to search for it so Im not suggesting that.
I’ve been thinking about this issue, because I’m getting a big crush on a girl at my church’s home group.
The problem is that I’ve never had a friend develop into something more. My theory is that I’ve been dorky, and also have not allowed enough time for women to warm up to the idea.
I know that women do get wild instant ideas about guys, but my theory is that often they take longer to sexualize a situation. My problem has been that I get so desperate that I bring the situation to a head before they’re ready. Or maybe I just have bad luck.
I know that people are different, and generalizations are hard, but anyone have a comment?
I’ve done this once, and it was a horrible, horrible mistake. He didn’t like me romantically, and then he did; we had three weeks as a couple before it all crashed and burned.
However, I also made the transition with a much more deserving person. It worked out beautifully, but it ended for entirely unconnected reasons.
I think the biggest problem for me is that once I develop feelings for a friend, I expect more of him. You know, little considerations that men tend to only show their girlfriends/SOs. Even if the feelings aren’t returned, their presence causes me to demand more, and then I get pissed when I don’t get it. Of course, the guy is usually clueless during all this. I have the curse of getting my hopes unreasonably high and of course they always sink super fast, leaving me depressed and lonely.
Right now, I am screwing up the courage to tell a friend that I have feelings for him. Not sure what will happen, but I think it will be worth it either way.
Well, I do it a lot on the theory that people should be friends first, before being lovers. Of course in the 70’s it was the other way around it seemed
The only truly successful, loving, mutually respectful, deep-down-caring relationship I’ve ever had is the one I’m in now. I married the man who had been my best friend, and we have been together for almost 10 years.
I used to jump into relationships without getting to know the guys very well (or at all). What a surprise, nothing worked out very well.
The thing was, I had friends tell me how rich their relationships were because the got to know the other person before they jumped right in (or on). I believed them, I just didn’t think it was possible (I’ll save the self-esteem issues for another thread!).
Then I met my husband. We both got involved with other people, but were very good, close friends. We told each other everything, used each other as sounding boards for all kinds of life issues, including our respective relationships. Basically, this guy really knew me, warts and all. In time, we both became unattached and saw each other in a new light. Remember now, this guy knows all my faults, my phobias, my psychoses, my ex! Imagine my surprise that he not only still loved me, but wanted to marry me!
It can work very well, or it can backfire hideously. Ask yourself what you really need more- a good friend or a significant other? If the answer is a good friend, then don’t mess it up.
I do this for most of my relationships…and all of the good ones in recent memory.
The important part is keeping it seperate. Like Nacho4Sara said, if you start expecting them to be your SO when they aren’t its unfair to them and frusterating for you. Sure have feelings for them, but they aren’t yours. Crush on them, dream about them, whatever…but don’t expect them to pluck it out of your head and make it real until you actually communicate with them. Until then, you still have an obligation to be their friend, and no more.
Go ahead and make your feelings known. Its a fun thing and happy. If it works out, GREAT! have a blast. You’re SO is your pal! Wee! Make sure you stay pals though. (Some of the poor transitions involved me getting carefully cut out of my SO’s life because “he didn’t let his girlfriend do X with him” regardless of the fact that three weeks prior, when I was his friend, it was a cool thing to do. I dumped him.)
If it doesn’t work out, let it go. You’re still under obligation to be their friend, and no more. Its not the end of the world. You still have your really cool friend.
I’ve never understood why attempting to become romantic should ruin a good friendship. My best guess is that people who are honest with their friends lie to and cheat on their significant others. What’s that all about?
I’ve had former boyfriends who turned into friends, and I really never think about the former romance. As for friends whose interest in me is not reciprocated, telling them so honestly has not ruined anything.
There are a few guys in my past who probably would have made great husbands for me if I’d ever even known they were interested. I’d have had to get past my “bad boy” phase, but if one of the nice guys had been persistent and determined, it would have happened.
Thanks for all the comments. They’re very helpful.
One of my main concerns is that if I told the friend how attracted I am to her, and she didn’t reciprocate the feelings, that would make her uncomfortable around me – kind of like “Better not get too close…I don’t want to lead him on or give him any ideas.”
If they aren’t interested (as the girl wasn’t in my prior example), I would personally chalk it up to “I guess her taste is different; it doesn’t make me a completely unworthy person.” And I would never do the “If I can’t have you as a lover (or whatever) then I don’t want you at all.” That’s just stupid to me.
If any of you posters are so inclined, pretend you are single and one of your best friends who you are not definitely not interested in romantically in confesses their deep feelings for you.
Do you feel uncomfortable? Would it matter * how * they say it?
For instance… if your discussion topic got around to dating… and they say something like “I can’t see why you’re not already attatched, if I had just met you and we wern’t already friends, I would ask you out on the spot!”
Too veiled? Plenty obvious?
I guess I want my cake and eat it too in that if they don’t feel the same way, that I could salvage what we do have as much as possible.
Myself, if a female friend asked me out on a date and I wasn’t interested, I’d be flattered, but I doubt I’d look at my friend any differently in the long run. I’d certainly want to discuss things to make sure those feelings wouldn’t cause problems in our friendship. But that’s just me, and truthfully, I’ve never had to face this situation since the one time a friend did ask me out, I was equally interested in pursuing a romantic relationship.
I’ve asked out friends before. One turned me down with a friendly “I’m not really interested” and we’re still friends to this day. On the other end of the spectrum, another hedged, had her friend talk to me to turn me down, and she never really spoke to me again.
As for this:
Unclear, if your intentions are to try to start a dialogue about a possible romantic relationship. A friend said something very similar once and meant it only as something to cheer me up, and, knowing her fairly well, I took the comment as such.
Hey you!, I would like to see you being concerned about YOUR feelings more than her feelings. After all, we can’t know what someone else is feeling, right? Sometimes,I tend to project our feelings onto others.
Having been in that situation twice and never having done anything about it, I say do it. If you’re both mature, it probably won’t be a huge thing, and I tend to think it’s better to know than to always wonder what might have been, and beat yourself up about not having had the balls to find out.
We started dating again shortly thereafter and the rest is history.