Thank ye all for your input, and I figure the best way to get the best advice is to lay all the cards on the table.
I asked her out to a movie, saying that it was “just as friends” and because I knew that she was new in town and didn’t know anyone, and figured that she could use a friendly face while settling in, and that she probably didn’t need to start a relationship while getting used to a new city. I had no intention of starting a relationship with her; it’s not that I didn’t find her attractive or anything, I just didn’t want to. After the 4th time we went out, she invited me back to her place to watch movies. I agreed, still thinking of her as a friend. After the movies were over it was about 2 o’clock, and she suggested I sleep over there. I agreed, cause it made sense and I was tired. Nothing happened The next morning I rolled over, said hi, and kissed her (just a little peck). She kissed me back, and it kinda snowballed. (No sex yet, just FYI.)
Don’t think that she seduced me or anything like that. It was all pretty natural and entierlly consensual, though I’ll admit that I didn’t think that she was thinking of me in that way at all.The thing is, the whole time we’ve gotten more serious a little voice in the back of my head has been saying “This isn’t right.” Not in a moral sense, but in a “good for everybody” sense. I think I need to “pull the plug” while we are still in the beginning stage, and time is critical.
I have started being uncomfortable when the fooling around starts, not because we move too fast (I’m a big believer in not pushing things) but just because I really think I would be happier with her as a friend instead of in a relationship, and because I don’t think I’ll have those kinds of feelings for her down the road. I like her and am attracted to her, but I know that’s not enough. I know myself well enough to admit that there is a tiny bastard saying “Just go for the ride, make shit up, and have your fun.” I’m not proud of that bit of me, and hope that by doing this I will also be able to stomp that little f*cker down.
That’s all I really have to say. Comment, advise, flame, criticize or whatever.
Stupid computer! I apoligize for the double post. If THIS one goes double…arrgh
Out of curiosity, what would be enough? Would it be inconceivable for your feelings for her to grow in the future with more general, “friendly” contact?
Then what you need to tell her is that you don’t ever anticipate a romantic relationship between the two of you, as that seems to be the truth.
No, it’s not at all inconcievable. But that type of thing should happen before the romantic part begins, not after it, right?
There’s no “should” in relationships, only what is. Every single one follows its own unique path, and you’ll never get anywhere worrying about how relationships are “supposed” to go. Perhaps you’d prefer to do things that way, but you didn’t, this time, and life has no rewind button. You have to deal with the situation as it is.
In this particular situation, you have three options: you can rule out a romantic relationship forever, you can try to keep things as they are, or you can escalate things. But once a relationship has become physical, you can’t just competely cut out the physical and hope to resume it again someday. Doing that would feel like you were basically putting her on probation to see if she is good enough. If you have never been in a situation where you are firmly interested in someone, and they and all your mutual friends know you are totally, unambigiously intereseted in them, and everyone involves knows that you are just waiting for the other person to decide whether or not you are good enough, then try to imagene it. “I want to be friends for now, but maybe later we can go out” is one hundred million times worse than “I want to be friends”.
You can keep it “above the waist” while you try and figure out how you feel, if you are not ready to break it off forever. But you have to be honestly and publically commited to at least the possibility of a relationship.
Your feelings seem pretty clear on this. You don’t want to date this woman. You should definitely tell her, as soon as possible. Do not tell her that you want to get to know each better other before being romantic. Based on what you know now, you have no reason to believe you’ll ever be interested in her romantically. That’s perfectly OK, but don’t lead her to believe otherwise.
Whether or not you can still be friends is really up to her. My experience is that the odds are against it. Make sure it’s clear that you are interested in friendship, and would enjoy hanging out with her. She may not be able to be friends with you. That’s always the risk when you fool around with a friend, and it’s too late to change that.
And don’t feel guilty – you didn’t do anything wrong. It sounds like you’re trying to be considerate of her feelings, which is nice.
I should add two things:
-
Listen to Manda JO.
-
If you would enjoy dating her for a while, but don’t want a serious relationship with her, this may be OK with her. Not everyone is looking for a long-term relationship. You can maybe tell her:
“Before things get too serious, I want you to know that I don’t think I’m ready for a serious relationship right now. If you’re looking for more than just casual dating, we should probably stick with being friends. I’m enjoying dating you, and would like to continue, but not if it means you’ll get hurt.”
Don’t say this unless you actually want to date her, but it lets her decide if dating you is a good idea, based on how you’re feeling.
Sam Hell, you should probably know that as soon as you tell her this, you’ll want to start dating her again. So you better NOT let her continue being your friend, because you’ll want her but she will secretly resent you.