WHY can't we just be friends?!!

In My Humble Opinion (IMHO)
#1

I’m asking because I’ve recently got myself a new boyfriend :). This is great and I really like him and think the relationship has potential, however in the process I’ve lost what I thought of as two close male friends. One of them simply isn’t talking to me, and hasn’t done since my second date with my new bloke, and the other is barely civil to me - this is particularly awkward as we work together. Admittedly, both of these men have previously admitted to me that they would like to be more than my friend, but I explained at the time that I didn’t feel the same way, and I thought we’d got past that and become good mates. I should add that it’s not like they’re kids - one’s 28, the other 34 - so I would have thought they’d mature enough to handle it.

I feel really sad about this as they were both important to me as friends and I don’t know what to do about it. Was it me, was I simply giving off the wrong vibes? I don’t see how I could have been as I was completley honest about how I felt. Is it simply a matter of giving it time and hoping they come round? Or should I talk to them about it, 'cos it’s kind of a difficult conversation so start! Or should I just give up on platonic friendships with the opposite sex altogether?!

#2

Yes, you should just give up platonic friends altogether, considering they seem to have a habit of being attracted to you romantically.

They want you. You want them as friends only. That’s unfair to them. Trying to keep them as friends is akin to using them. That’s uncool.

#3

They’ll come round. Eventually. I’m not being flippant here or anything, but if they’ve had feelings for you, there’s going to be a lot of resentment if you’re dating someone else - a case of “What has he got that we haven’t?” It’ll take them time to come round to the fact that you are going out with someone, who you are romantically attracted to. Once they’ve managed it, they’ll go back to being “normal” again.

Well, that’s my experience anyway, YMMV.

#4

Angua, those guys still want you.

#5

Hey… i’m that guy!

When me and SO got together her long-time male friend stopped talking to her. She’s now accepted that he’s never going to be her good friend again… tho they have chatted on the internet breifly from time to time.

and yes… he was always interested in her. To tell you the truth… I wouldn’t exactly like it if they were still good friends… i’d always be suspicious of his intentions.

anyway… that’s my two cents i guess :slight_smile:

#6

Yeah. Right. In which case they’re blind, stupid or both.

#7

Ah, another couple of men fallen victim to Ladder Theory.

#8

Hmm… I reckon men do have two ladders, they’re just not willing to accept it. :stuck_out_tongue:

#9

I’ve always found that I drifted apart from my het guy friends as we paired off, unless all parties got along so well that we all became happy couple friends.

Maybe it is sexual tension; maybe it’s nervousness around the new mate; maybe it’s just the nature of cross-gender friendships.

#10

That is god damn brilliant. Although I’d put “looks” a little higher than 60% though.

#11

I’ve stayed friends with a number of guy friends (except exes) since I hooked up with mr cowgirl. And I’ve seen too many guy friends heartbroken when that girl that they love but who just wants to be friends hooks up with someone else.

My conclusion: Some guys make great friends for girls. But some guys just can’t be your friend because they are in love with you. That’s their problem. There’s nothing you can do but tell them you value their friendship and see what happens.

#12

I have a semi-related question: if a girl is interested in a guy who’s her friend, does she have a decent chance of NOT striking out?

I usually hear “once a girl thinks of you as a friend, you’re doomed.” Is it true the other way around? (Oh, and keep in mind that he might be sending 'I’m attracted to you" signals to me as well since he’s a lot more animated and flirty around me than others, but I’m insecure, and dense, and terrified of rejection).

#13

Mistake Number 1. Never count on a guy to be mature about his feelings. Ever. :wink:

That being said, you very well could have been encouraging them with the wrong vibes. Women can be incredibly oblivious and/or indifferent to this.

#14

Mistake Number 1. Never count on a guy to be mature about his feelings. Ever. :wink:

That being said, you very well could have been encouraging them with the wrong vibes. Women can be incredibly oblivious and/or indifferent to this.

#15

Once a girl is interested in a guy there is absolutely no chance of her striking out… as long as she’s aware of how guys think and the power of alcohol.

Try : “Hi, this is really embarrassing, but I’ve really started to fancy you recently. Any chance of going out for a, cough, drink tonight?” flutter eyelashes

Now, this approach only works if you are attractive. If you’re a real munter then give the guy a few beers first. Amount of beers depends on how minging you are and what you want him to do. This is also true if you’ve been a complete bitch to him or have a reputation as such… a few beers and he’s yours.

*If the guy’s a real prude/nervous virgin, then be prepared to be more direct.

#16

I dunno about this. I’ve gone out with my male friends after years of being just friends. I have to be friends with someone before going out with them

#17

Er, sorry about the double-post. :smack:

#18

Now that’s not always true. You’re not bitter or anything are you Brainfizz?

I’m beginning to develop issues re men and body image hanging around this thread…

#19

You made your choice, and they made theirs.

You could reject them, they could write you off. This is the way things tick. You didn’t want to be a girlfriend of one of them. Now they don’t want to be your friend. Life is tough, you need to live with your choices.

#20

Hear, hear!

“Those men still want you”

“No chance of a girl striking out” with the aid of alcohol

I don’t have enough time to pit Bruce_Daddy, being in law school and all, but I think he is ripe for a good, strong pitting. He deserves a good pitting and I’m afraid I just don’t have the time to do it right. Anyone else ready to do it?

“Women can be incredibly oblivious” about the vibes they are giving out…

Meh.

I wish to god there wasn’t so much sexism/idiocy in the world.