What is the deal with women who turn guys down, then say they want to be friends? Do they seriously think friendship is easily attainable with someone they’ve rejected, as if that weren’t a jagged little pill?
Of course, no one is obligated to sleep with anyone, even a boyfriend. This is just a way to describe how some behavior I’ve witnessed comes across. It’s okay to like someone for their personal qualities, yet not be attracted to them; it happens all the time. But isn’t the above scenario really saying, without words, that “We can’t have the relationship you want, only the relationship I want”?
Guys, help me out. Do women stop trying to eat their cake and have it too as they get older?
The sooner you figure out that women are people and entitled to have freedom in relationships and feelings, the better. Do you really want women to be robots, sycophants, drooling morons? Or do you want them to have opinions, loves, and wishes for friendship?
Turn this statement of yours around. You are basically saying that you want the relationship YOU want, not what THEY want. You want to force a woman to want you as more than a friend? You think that ever works?
You sound so extremely egotistical I can’t even comprehend how you think.
That’s exactly what they’re saying, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Do you actually want to be in a more romantic relationship with someone if they actually haven’t bought into the romantic part of it? Why would you want someone to fake those emotions?
Sorry, that’s not what a relationship is. If you’re unhappy with it not being more than what you want, then you need to avoid that situation. By continuing to hang around that situation in hopes that “she’ll turn around” only poisons the well. There are plenty of people out there who are more than capable of dealing with it.
Women don’t say this to “boyfriends”. They say this to male friends. I’m sorry if you were confused as to your actual status, but this is the way it works. And there just isn’t any good way to tell somebody you don’t want to screw them when they want to screw you. So this phrase is the pathetic attempt at the impossible. But at least now you know, and can move on in your search for sex. And she was really, really hoping you wouldn’t ask because it’s true. She does like you, but she doesn’t have the hots for you and now not only will you not be lovers but you won’t be friends either, and that probably makes her sad. And you mad.
I don’t know that I understand this. If a woman likes you but, for whatever reason, is unable or unwilling to engage in a sexual relationship, what do you want her to say? “I can’t or won’t sleep with you, so fuck off?”
Hey, she’s giving you the benefit of the doubt by assuming that sex isn’t the price of friendship with you, or the only basis of your interest in her. If that isn’t true, then by all means turn down her offer of friendship - you’re doing her a favor.
You know, a woman may be interested in you sexually, and all you offer her is friendship. It happens more often than you realize. It astonishes me that you can recognize that having the right of refusal is power, but can’t seem to recognize that having the right to ask (and don’t give me the crap about equalilty - many women are still part of a culture that simply doesn’t allow “nice” women to offer) is as much or more power.
You’re right - you have no understanding of women.
Isn’t your refusal to even try to build a friendship the exact same thing? Why is it okay when you do it but not when someone else does it?
And no, honey, a guy friend is most decidedly not a boyfriend you don’t sleep with. The relationships are completely different. If you don’t comprehend that, you don’t define friendship and romantic relationships the same way that many women do, and I don’t think anyone can ever adequately explain it to you.
Wrong. He’s looking for someone with a mutual attraction. This is a normal need, and when it is continually not met, it gets extremely frustrating.
It always amazes me how lonely guys get treated on this board. Normally compassionate and level headed people suddenly come out with accusations of egotism, mysogeny, and selfishness. Way to piss on someone’s rainy day.
Boy Elysian, just how high is that horse you’re on? You’ve also put it behind the cart. What they want is unknown, until they’ve already rejected they guys’ advance. If they’ve already made it known beforehand, then this rant does not apply. In that instance, the guy took a chance for something more, and came away the loser. C’est la vie.
Where are some posters getting the idea that force is somehow implied or involved in any of this? I’m mystified. The point is that some women seem oblivious to the fact that rejection hurts, and try to carry on as if everything was peachy. Well, real life is not an episode of “Friends.” For better or for worse, flesh-and-blood human beings have pride and/or self-respect that makes it impossible to act as if they don’t care what someone they admire thinks of them. When viewed in this light, a desire to be “friends” with a person you would not be intimate with can be perceived as condescending.
He is being egotistical. He is only thinking of himself. He’s not thinking that she may want something different. He wants her to be something she’s not so that he feels better. Then he gets angry about it, because she’s not going to be that way! What the hell kind of reaction is that? I can understand sadness, but anger because the person is the way she is?
He’s not looking for someone who is attracted to him. He found someone who is not attracted to him. He wants her to be attracted to him. She’s not, and he gets mad! What the hell did he expect?
And then asking asinine questions about “Do all women want to have their cake and eat it to” and “She wants a boyfriend she doesn’t need to sleep with” – can’t you see the problem with these statements? The girl wants a friend. She doesn’t want a boyfriend she doesn’t sleep with. Girls want boyfriends they can sleep with! The OP is just wanting more than she wants from him, and he’s getting pissy and angry with ALL women when he doesn’t get it.
I see a certain misogyny in people talking about “She only sees you as a dick in a glass.” For fuck’s sake, that’s not what women see their friends as. That’s cretinous. No, women see friends as FRIENDS. Not boyfriends-they-are-not-sleeping-with, but friends!
If all you want from this girl is sex, then she is WELL rid of you. If you want to be a decent human being with normal human relationships, then maybe you might consider actually…you know…being friends. If you want to fuck, find someone else.
Now, HERE’S probably the most reasonable response possibly to the OP, although it assumes the most base motivation on the man’s part (a simple desire to “screw,” and that the man in this situation is merely looking for sex, and not the full package of intimacy).
I am not actually involved in a situation like this right now, but I’m beginning to wonder if it’s on the horizon. I’m trying to get my angst out ahead of time, so if the blow hits, I can take it with serenity.
I never had a problem with this, nor do I consider it condescending, and I’m a guy who this has happened to. If you’re already friends with someone and get it in your head to go for romance, why shouldn’t you be able to go back if she nips that idea in the bud? I don’t think it would be preferable for her to cut off all contact just because she doesn’t want to suck face with you.
You can have nothing, basic friendship, or romance. She’s told you romance is out, so you’ve got 2 choices left, choose.
Of course, if you’re not already friends, and she trots out the ‘friend’ line, that’s probably just a brushoff.
See, this is why I will NEVER understand men. I just don’t understand how saying, “Look, I like you. The spark just isn’t there, but you’re a nice guy and fun to be around, and I’d like to continue hanging out with you,” is condescending. It just boggles my mind, frankly.
I think that men and women will never see this situation from anything remotely like the same perspective. Men apparently look at an offer of friendship when they want something else as an insult, which is not how it’s intended. (Trust me, if we just wanted you to fuck off, we’d give you the “it’s just not working out” speech, not the “let’s be friends” speech.) Women, otoh, often see refusal to try the friends thing as an insult. It says to us, “Well, if you’re not going to be putting out, you’re not worth spending time with,” making us feel like you view us not as people, but as nothing more than potential warm holes to stick it in. That’s why some women tend to be pretty harsh on guys who bitch about the offer of friendship from someone they wanted to sleep with.