We have a saying in Swedish, which roughly translates: “Nice guys don’t get to kiss pretty girls.” I know many women will start saying “That’s not true - I do want a nice guy.” Well, yeah. Then why do rock stars get the cutest babes and librarians stay single all their lives?
For those who buy into this kind of thinking, I offer The Ladder Theory.
I don’t, not fully, but there’s some truth in it. If I continue with the generalizations, I’d say that most women abhor guys who are wuzzes or whimps. The definition of such differ widely from woman to woman, but I think most women prefer their men to be assertive, have the ability to keep a cool head.
Many guys spend a lot of time in gyms and buy expensive cars. The best comment about things like that I ever heard was from a girl who said: “Beer bellies are, of course, digusting. But if the beer belly is on a cute guy, then it’s a cute beer belly.”
So far, only some random thoughts. Now to Gaspode’s guide to happy dating for clueless guys:
- It doesn’t matter how hard you try. If something’s gonna happen, it will happen. Fancy restaurants, flowers, expensive gifts - all this will only serve to make the woman feel that you expect her to pay you back somehow. Most often with sex. A cup o’ coffee and your company should be enough to find out if there is some sparkage. If there is - you can go on and up the efforts to show her how you feel. But first date should be simple and casual. Preferably in a situation where either of you can get out, should it not feel right. Dinner and movie is classic, but why? You can’t see or talk to the person during the movie and if it 's even slightly awkward, it’ll be worse for sitting in the dark with a stranger for two hours.
Also - If you try too hard, you’ll come off as desperate, something almost all women hate. See next point.
- Be casual. If the first date feels good, leave without trying to make a new appointment or plans. Don’t say you’re gonna call her, don’t try to follow her inside her house. Just say thank you for a pleasant evening and leave. Whatever you do - do not turn around. If you do - she’ll have the upper hand. And remember that women like guys who’re assertive.
The first date might have four outcomes: There’s sparkage or not for either of you.
- If there’s no sparkage for you or her, then all you’ve lost is some time and a few bucks. No biggie.
- There’s sparkage for her, but not you. This is one of the reason not trying to make new plans or get into her pants. Don’t think with your dick, because it’ll only be a burden later on. You’ll have a girl that’s clingy and won’t leave you alone, much the same way I feel women view the OP.
- There’s sparkage for you and not for her. Get out. Suck it up. If she wants to be friends, think about it. Do you need more friends or do you want a girlfriend. I have enough friends, I don’t need another. If you don’t need another, then you’ll only invite misery, being frustrated about being near a person you like/desire/love when that person is not interested in you that way. Why would you torment yourself that way? It won’t matter how hard you try. It simply won’t happen. Move on.
- There’s sparkage for the two of you. Now, you don’t know this at this point, so now is the time to play it cool. Don’t call her for at least three days. You wait for her. Maybe she’ll call, maybe not. If she does, she’ll play it cool and make it an inconsequential matter (“Sorry to bother you, but did I leave my gloves in your car when you drove me home?” [note: If she actually did that and calls the next day, it’ll be no indication that she’s interested]). When she’s doing this, she’s pushing the initiative over your way. How do you handle it? Casually. Don’t ask her what she’s going to do on Friday. She might have plans and then things’ll get awkward again. USe something from your first date. If you’re going to be somewhat compatible you have at least one interest in common (“Hey, that Warhol retrospective is opening next week - do you want to come with me and see it?”). Try to make it as openended as possible, still leaving her the opportunity to back out. If she’s interested, she’ll bite at the hook.
If three days have gone by and she hasn’t called, then she’s better at keeping cool than you are. It’s your move buddy. So now you’ll have to come up with some inconsequential excuse to call her and try to reverse the gaming board.
- If nothing has happened in three dates - it won’t. This is a rule of thumb, not a natural law. But if there’s sparkage from you both, then at least some making out, a kiss outside her door or wild sex on the kitchen floor - any sexual manifestation at all is good. But if there’s nothing, chances are you mistook her feelings for you or the sparkage died.
Two more rules of thumb:
- If you win her heart by giving her a rose a day, you must keep giving her a rose a day to keep her heart.
- Stick to the attitude of not turning around when you leave her. Leave her wanting more. Leave when you’re sure there’s sex in her plans, with some plausible exscuse. Never make plans for the next date when ending the current one. The longer you can postpone making commitments, the better it is. The reason is that women almost always have the upper hand in dating. Men make the move, women reject or accept. If you make her a little unsure about your feelings, despite this, you can postpone her taking you for granted. This doesn’t mean that you should be afraid of or never make commitments, just that you should try to keep her on her toes, making her try a little, since it’ll make you more interesting.
Best of luck.