I know, I know, my post history is filled with these sorts of topics, but this one is such a zinger that I think it’s the most confusing one that I’ve had in the past few years.
Basically, I started talking to one of the women in my class. For a good few days, there was an enormous amount of self-disclosure between the two of us, which more than anything else led me to believe she was interested in me. When I asked whether she had a boyfriend, she replied that she had actually just broken up with him; subsequently, I asked for her number - which she gave to me - and we started conversing more through text messaging. She also let me take her out for coffee at a Starbucks on campus.
She also spoke at length with me about Valentine’s Day, texted me questions about school and my day, and so on.
To me, those signals suggested pretty forthrightly that she would’ve been down with me asking her out, right?
Well, I did just that yesterday, only to have her response be along the lines of “I had a feeling that you’d ask me out, but I just broke up with my ex so recently I don’t want to get involved with anybody right now. You’re still cool, though, and I’d like to keep talking like this.”
Should I take this response as it is, or was I being played & had already been friendzoned? I’ve been going over this thing in my head for the past day or so and it’s confusing the Hell out of me.
Note: I’ve solicited input from a swath of other people IRL as well - men and women - and their responses have been similarly as perplexed. When I’d described the events to them prior to me asking her out, they’d been universally confident that she was indeed interested.
While she likes your attention it’s pretty obvious you are not her cup of tea for a prospective physical relationship. So yes, you’ve been “friend zoned”.
I have to ask, re “I’ve solicited input from a swath of other people IRL as well - men and women -” why do you feel the need to ask the world about this? Isn’t this just something you can take in stride instead of turning it into a class project?
Hanging around as a listening ear or sympathetic shoulder hoping things will change is generally futile. If a women is seriously interested in you she will let you know in no uncertain terms.
Re
You were “friend zoned” within 15 seconds of opening your mouth the first time you met her. Get on with your life.
Seems like a pretty reasonable progression to me; I don’t see the need to ascribe ulterior motives on either of your parts. I don’t think you were being played, nor do I think you have been rejected. You were talking as friends, and she’s fine with that. Are you?
I don’t like the term “friendzoned” because even though it’s not your intention, it makes it sound like you think she’s trying to trick you into being her friend.
Maybe her previous relationship was very serious/long-term or the last in a continuous line of relationships and when they broke up she told herself that she decided it would be healthiest to be single for some period of time. And perhaps she is attracted to you but trying to stick with her decision to not immediately jump into another serious relationship. So she’s conflicted and acting that way. This scenarios is almost exactly what you say she told you, so it has that going for it.
Eh, in the grand scheme of things, not really. We still share the same class for the next couple months, so if she was being sincere then maybe she’ll change her mind over time. But yeah, I’m not banking on anything, and this entire situation just seems exceedingly weird to me in hindsight.
You’re definitely on the Friend Ladder. Keep talking with her if you enjoy it, but you need to truly understand that you will likely never have a romantic relationship with her. Romantic comedies make it seem like she will eventually fall in love with you, but that will never happen.
As to why she does this–because she enjoys your company and attention. There’s nothing wrong with that. But you’re just filling the role of one of her girl friends that happens to be a guy. If you’re fine with that, great! But if you want to have a mutual romantic relationship, look somewhere else.
Well, the thing is, I thought she was going out of her way to know me better. I mean, she was sending me texts late at night asking me about my day, and then she texted me while driving on her way to school to meet me before the start of class. I dunno.
Note: I know some of this might seem juvenile the way I’ve described it here, but both of us are adults. She’s 20; I’m 23.
Wild and crazy idea, but is it possible that, while she really enjoys your company and may be attracted to you, she broke up with her ex so recently that she doesn’t want to get involved with anyone right now?
‘Friendzoned’ is a meaningless term that people use to make themselves feel better about the fact that He/She Just Isn’t That Into You. Out here in the real world, ‘friends’ and ‘attracted to each other’ aren’t in fact mutually exclusive, and friendship doesn’t in fact kill off attraction - in fact, it can intensify it, as you get to know the person better and realise that he/she is even cooler than you thought. There are times when people are attracted to each other AND like each other, but it isn’t the right moment for a relationship for one or both of them, so they stick with being friends for the moment.
Why don’t you just listen to what she said, and then decide whether you want to keep hanging out with her or not? Not based on what might happen someday, depending on what complex Machiavellian motivations you can read into everything she does and says, but just based on whether you like hanging out with her?
She’s a person, not a prize you get for making the right moves. Maybe she was trying to get to know you better, but upon doing so, decided you were not someone she wanted to date. That doesn’t mean she has “played” you or done anything wrong.
You have my sympathy. And I don’t think she has been acting like an adult. I don’t see why she hadn’t simply given you the “let’s be friends” bit when giving you her phone number. Either that, or making it clear that she would like to date you, but that you have to hold on because it’s too soon.
If you want a romantic relationship and not a friend relationship, then you should tell her in a nice way* and move on. If you’re okay with just a friend relationship, then continue. I advise against waiting around hoping it will become a romantic relationship – that might work for some, but in my experience it is very unpleasant.
*Something like “I appreciate your honesty, but I’m really looking for a romantic connection, and this isn’t the kind of relationship I’m looking for. I wish you the best!”
EDIT: I agree with everyone saying that she hasn’t done anything wrong. She hasn’t – being honest isn’t wrong (assuming she’s being honest – and I see nothing to indicate she’s not). And if you’re not looking for that kind (friend) of relationship, you should be honest with her as well. Women aren’t required to immediately inform every man they interact with in a friendly way whether they are attracted to them or not, and men aren’t required to be friends with every woman who wants to be friends with them.
Unless maybe she didn’t know him well enough, at that point, to know whether she wanted to go out with him or not. Not everyone decides within thirty seconds whether they’re into someone or not; some of us actually need to get to know people first.
(Unrelated, but while you’re here, I have to tell you that I love your ID. For some reason it gives me the giggles every time.)
I think you missed the OP’s sub-text here. He is strongly attracted to her and wants a physical relationship with her. He likes her fine and being buds is swell, but he really wants to fuck her and the sooner the better. The OP’s question actually is “Will she be open to fucking me in the near term if I continue to give her attention? Please advise.”
I will say if someone responded with: “I knew you were going to ask me out…but I’m not interested”
That would kind of stick in my craw. Seriously, what’s up with the “You knew this was coming” BS?
It kind of implies to me that maybe she knew all along the OP had romantic feelings for her and she kinda sorta played into it. Perhaps maybe to stroke her own ego.
Man I’m glad to be out of my 20s. It really sucks to be driven by virtually nothing more than the desire for sex, and feel personally affronted (totally unreasonably) that not everyone you want to have sex with reciprocates the feeling. I’m not sure if everyone (or every man) in their 20s feels the same way, of course.
There’s no clearcut answer. It’s very possible that, after her breakup, she just doesn’t want that sort of relationship right then. When she feels ready, she could go either way, and being a friend won’t hurt nor hinder you. Hell, the better you are for her emotionally, the more likely she will consider a more romantic relationship.
The idea that she has already made up her mind about you is bullshit made up by people who think that relationships are some sort of competition. At the same time, the more time you spend getting to know a woman as a person, the more likely that she will be interested in a relationship. The most attractive thing you can do is respect her.