"Friend zone" dilemma

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m 99% certain the person of which I speak doesn’t know of the SDMB.

I’m 42 years old, a year post divorce, and haven’t been in the dating scene for decades. Nor have I been in a situation quite like this before and am quite befuddled.

She and I are co-workers, until recently in the same general area (desks opposite each other) until she went to a different department last week. She was also away from the office last week too.

She’s also approximately a year post divorce. We both have young children and had arranged a Memorial Day cookout for the kids to meet each other as we both thought that would be fun.

We developed a pretty close friendship, strictly friends / no dating. We talked quite a bit after hours, about everything, and fed on each other’s successes at work to become better ourselves, and both enjoyed it. We lunched together daily. Things we’re said by her every now and then that in retrospect it’s entirely possible I misread, but I don’t know. She is quite stoic in an attractive way and doesn’t display feelings very outwardly. I guess reserved is the best way to put it. Needless to say from the past 9-10 months of growing friendship I started to wonder if things could step up a notch. I kept this to myself, being co-workers and not wanting to upset things as they were developing.

So she’s out of town last week and again we are talking quite a bit. Knowing we will be in different departments on her return to work I finally got the courage to say my piece, that I was attracted to her and wanted to become more than friends. Unfortunately her response was that she was flattered but “if it’s ok with me” she’d rather remain friends. Not the answer I wanted to hear but if I hadn’t said something I would have burst.

That was towards the end of last week.

Now we are adults and I like to think I’m capable of moving on and put that aside because at the end of the day I wanted her as a friend before anything else happened. She’s really and truly just a nice person and even as friends I think we can share a lot and enjoy each other. So not wanting to be thought of as wrecking that, I asked her the other day if we were really OK because I’d hate it even more if I ruined that. She said we were. There’s nobody else in the picture either.

So today comes and I see her for the first time in person for 10 days, since all this happened. While she was gone she got her hair done, and it looks stunning. She came over to drop off something of mine from the printer and all I had the chance to say was welcome back, and then she was gone. I waited for our normal lunch time, went down there, she wasn’t there so I had lunch with other friends. She comes in about half hour later, grabs forks etc and leaves to eat elsewhere. I’m pretty sure she saw me but didn’t come by.

Now what? I’m afraid of even complimenting her on her hair without coming off as a creeper, which obviously wouldn’t have been an issue before last week and I’d have done so immediately back then. We will see each other even if only in passing daily and it will be horribly awkward if today is any indication. Do I ask her to be explicit about boundaries or what she wants/doesn’t want? Keep asking her out? Pretend like nothing happened (my choice)? What about the Memorial Day picnic? It will be tough to ignore my feelings for her - especially since she’s even more physically attractive now - but at the end of the day our friendship is what I valued most, and I told her that. Because who knows what will happen in the future. I just know a future without her friendship isn’t what I want, and knowing her I don’t think she wants that either but I’m guessing she too feels awkward.

2

I think it’s a bad idea to date a coworker anyway. The bad outcomes are so very very bad!

But, I do think you’re reading too much into it. Just be normal. The more you bring it up the more it will make her uncomfortable and then she really will avoid you.

3

Yup.

She will probably cancel Memorial Day. It’ll be all over, man. I’m sorry.

4

I’d act like you never said anything about dating and hopefully she will want to carry on your friendship

5

I dunno. I guess I can just stay mum for a few days and let her take the initiative. But I’m afraid of giving the wrong impression in that me doing nothing sends the complete wrong signal (only interested in the sexing, not at all the case) and trying to “be normal” without a return serve from her just makes me a stalker. At some point I need to force the issue with the cookout as my daughter is looking forward to it (as am/was I).

6

Mmhh true she might think your being quiet because its really too awkward and it puts her off I don’t think its stalker behaviour at all I guess your best option then is (in my opinion) when you see her next started talking about the cookout and is she looking forward to it? I hope everything turns out okay x

7

Print the above paragraph out and onto paper. Whenever you think of her, pull out the paper and read it. It has words. The words did not register with you. That is understandable. Homo sapiens have evolved in such a way that sexual rejection does not cognitively compute. But it happened. Re-read it again. Over and over. If she starts hanging around, pull out the piece of paper and ask, “is this still the situation?” If she says yes, it is still the situation, add that to the piece of paper. If she has changed her mind, well, that’s what makes the world go round. But she hasn’t yet. Keep re-reading that piece of paper.

Or, you can creep around her and whisper: “You know Julie, you have a magnificent pussy, and it isn’t going to eat itself.”

8

Or, you can creep around her and whisper: “You know Julie, you have a magnificent pussy, and it isn’t going to eat itself.”
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I’m going to guess your joking about saying that?

9

Hah! That’ll be SURE to work! :wink:

But that’s giving the big assumption that all I want is something more. If it was, she says no, and I chalk it up to life and move on with a bit of angst but acceptance. But we were friends to start, zero interest in more (for me at least), only with time did things evolve in my feelings. I am quite ok, very much so, going back to that. If nothing else she made a great lunch partner, either just us two or with our group of work pals. That’s what is frustrating and the message I want to deliver. I’ll never say no if things evolve naturally from there AND we are both in spots in life where it makes sense, but if not, hey it’s life and there are others I could date. Good friends are hard to come by and I value them for that alone.

10

Actual friends don’t panic if they don’t hang out together Every Single Day.

11

I’m going to guess your joking about saying that?
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Yes, I was joking. Don’t try that line on a co-worker unless you want to get fired.

12

I got that. So hang out and whenever you start thinking with your pantaloon regions, pull out that note and remind yourself.

The stunningly powerful forces of nature are now on the side of procreation. She is now fully aware that you are potential daddy material and her biological urges are eventually highly likely to overcome her good sense. Unless you look like Moe Szlack. But they haven’t yet. For now, you are firmly in the friend zone.

BTW, as others have mentioned, it is really stupid to date people at your workplace. But you are already well past that caution.

13

I know re: workplace. It’s a large one though, lots of relationships going on, and I’ve seen both explosive flameouts and happy marriages come from here.

I wouldn’t say I’m in a state of panic. We still text, though those from her over the past few days have dropped about a hundredfold in both quantity and degree. I am more concerned about how to go about preserving/ensuring the friendship we had, presuming she isn’t fibbing about it not being a big deal.

14

Yes, I was joking. Don’t try that line on a co-worker unless you want to get fired.
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Aha I wouldn’t dare

15

She was explicit about her boundaries … she wants to remain friends. So whatever you had before … those were the boundaries … and those boundaries are unlikely to change.

Never bring up the topic of dating her again … unless she initiates it. It would now be totally taboo and if she thinks you’re still lusting after her, then the friendship will most likely end. You shouldn’t even apologise further for your actions. It’s very hard to be friends with someone if you are wary of them and if you feel that if you are nice to them, they will misinterpret that and make a move on you.

Your feelings will can change back to friendship if that is what you want, if you want more, you should stay away from her because she has made it very very clear she does not want anything more.

I would act as though nothing happened, continue the friendship and assume the picnic was still going ahead (surely you have some reason to contact her about it … check an arrangement?).

She said NO … please respect that and put her feelings above your feelings.

(from someone who is currently negotiating the hard balance with a guy who wanted more and I only want friendship)

16

You got that right. 15 years later the divorce almost killed me.

I gotta say that I loved the friend zone. During my post-divorce/pre-girlfriend period there was a lotta fucking going on in the friend zone. Just get more friends.

17

To me, this is the key line in your post, because it shows that you’re still pining on some level. You may value her friendship more than anything else, but you’re still romantically attracted to her nonetheless, and part of you wants to hang around her not out of friendship but in hopes that she’ll change her mind.

Honestly, I think the best thing for you now is distance and time. You can’t just shut off your feelings overnight, and they’re going to get in the way.

18

Give it a little time. She obviously values your friendship. She is probably afraid if she acts “normal” towards her you will read more into it. So be very careful not to do or say anything that scares her off. She will come around.

19

Yeah. She knows how to find me and talk. It’s tough but at this point I’m going to let her take the initiative. Including the cookout - if she doesn’t ask about that I guess I have my answer.

20

You asked her out, and she did not reciprocate. She now wants to make sure not to lead you on, and has withdrawn somewhat. For better or worse, your friendship/relationship has become something she did not want, and so she must change her behavior to get something different.

You too must change your behavior to take the pressure off her. The best thing to do is to focus on other friends for the time being. Maybe go on a few dates outside of work (use dating sites if need be). Show that you can be happy without being romantically involved with her, and then she may be able to let her guard down around you again.