You blew it, buddy. Here you were - swimming along nicely and you dropped a big hershey bar into the pool. She don’t want to be in the pool no mo’.
You could try to apologize, emphasize that you stepped over the line, etc. etc. but my guess is that will not work. Do you think she’s going to want to sit with you at lunch every day thinking that you are looking at her THAT way?
…lesson learned…
First, just ask her if you are still on for Memorial Day. It should provide some clarity as to how she wants to proceed. If her response is along the lines of “Of course!” then you will know you have a shot at keeping the friendship moving forward. If she begs off, you can at least plan something fun to do with your daughter to take the edge off her (and your) disappointment.
Its great that you want to be friends with her, but really, you don’t. You want to be her lover, partner, a whole lot of things that go beyond friends. Your first reaction on seeing her for the first time after she shot you down and after having ten days to organize your feelings? “She looks stunning.” That’s not a guy talking about his good friend; that’s a guy who is smitten.
Everytime you see her looking like a knockout, your penis is going to look up at you pleadingly and say, “Please? Can we? I bet this time she says yes!” And every time you behave yourself (and you will, because you are a decent man), your penis is going to hate you just a little bit more. Why be mean to the little fellow? He’ll be much happier in the long run if you chalk this one up to experience and work on finding someone who wants to be your friend AND your lover.
Think about it. Being just friends with her has the potential to just be ongoing torture. What are you going to do if she starts dating someone else? (If she’s that wonderful, it’s likely going to happen.) Either she’s going to drop you as a friend in all but name, or she’s going to treat you like a girlfriend…either way, you will feel like shit. Let’s see, you said she’s stoic and reserved, so she probably won’t let you know until its gotten pretty serious. She just won’t be available to text or have lunch as often as before. And then it will be: “Drew, I’ve gotten engaged, and we’re having a little party to celebrate, We hope you’ll be able to come!” And of course your big brain will say all the right things about how glad you are for her and how lucky he is, but all the while your penis brain is going to be saying “dammit! dammit! dammit! dammit!”
You say you can’t imagine a future without her friendship, but really, what is your position going to be in her life? “Jim, this is Drew from work. He got divorced about the same time I did, and it was so wonderful just having someone who understood what I was going through! He was so nice!” And Jim will give you a nice firm handshake and flash a winning smile, and say “Hi Drew, Nice to meet you,” and his eyes will say, “Thanks pal, I’ve got it from here.” Christ, why not just stab yourself in the dick and put it out of its misery?
If you do go forward with your hopes of salvaging your friendship, don’t ask her about explicit boundaries. That is just a whole bucket of awkward right there.
“Lesson learned” I don’t get that… he rolled the dice… crapped out. I commend his rolling the dice… Ducky in “Pretty in Pink” is cute when you’re a teen ager… being a grown adult and being attracted to someone and never initiating is sad… really sad… This my friend… is the SECOND BEST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN… Now you know… Now you can move on… if you already don’t… join a gym… do something fun for you etc… again… I commend you for putting yourself out there man!!
[QUOTE=drewc]
especially since she’s even more physically attractive now - but at the end of the day our friendship is what I valued most,
[/QUOTE]
LOL. I’d like to see how strongly you stand by this statement when you find a new crush.
why am I the only person who thinks she was just toying with you the whole time??? i’ve never heard of a male/female relationship where people were “just friends”, not, eating lunch everyday and texting constantly. this is not to say men and women can’t - be - friends, but to spend that much time with the opposite sex and not be attracted, is weird, on her part.
There is no friend zone dilemma. Just as there is no dilemma about drinking a gallon of gasoline, or trying to stop a speeding train by stepping in front of it.
There are some things in life you just don’t do. If you find yourself in the friend zone, then be content to remain there; nothing good will come of trying to advance to anything more.
Likewise, with all the people in the world, never contemplate dating a coworker. The possible ramifications do not justify it.
That’ll $25 please.
All good advice. A friend suggested I write her a letter putting it all down, not to necessarily give it to her as much as just for myself. I have, it was revealing, and I’m probably just going to hold on to it. Though his point is you only get one shot at this game of life…
True, but you get plenty of opportunities to make things worse.
Because a lot of us think this belief is bullshit, that’s why. CAN there be (issues with) attraction between friends who are of harmonious sexual orientation? Of course. But saying that ANY close friendship between (above description) is, quite frankly, insulting. Your disclaimer is BS. “Oh sure, men and women can totally be friends! But if they actually do things that are generally part and parcel of a friendship, like spend time together :: fans self :: well they’re either ‘weird’ or lying about just being friends.” … Uh huh. :dubious:
Would you also argue that two gay men could never be good friends? Two lesbians? What about bisexuals? I mean, clearly there’s no way they could be “just friends” with anyone!*
To me, your post says a lot more about you and your underlying attitudes and motivations than it does about humans in general.
OP you’re making way too much out of this situation. You asked her out as more than friends, that’s it. You didn’t ask to father her next child or spend the rest of her life with you. She said she wasn’t interested. It’s not like she turned down a marriage proposal, she turned down a date. Quit making it bigger than it is.
She moved to a new department. She’s probably building new work relationships over there. You are way to vested in this thing beyond a friendship, that’s why it’s killing you.
Yes, you should follow up on the memorial day picnic, as you both had made plans about it. If you don’t, you again are showing some immaturity.
No it isn’t. It means she’s not attracted to him. I’ve been friends for years with the opposite sex, spend tons of time with a given person and STILL was never attracted. Women don’t just automatically become attracted because penis + time spent together.
To the OP: I think if you keep spinning your wheels in the mud about this, you will be holding yourself back from finding someone who DOES want to be romantically involved with you. Get more friends. Diffuse your focus on this one woman. Start looking for positive qualities that are attractive to you in other women.
Hold off on asking her out, you clarified what you wanted and now the ball is in her court. If there is something there, it will surface again. Otherwise, move on. Since it’s a work situation, she should be concidered flakey, that conversation with HR Is not what you want to have.
Next time, get it out of the way early. If your a contender, then move the relationship to the next step, or bow out. The worst thing is to get emotionally invested in some one, that has no interest in you romantically.
Declan
The bad news is it’ll be weird for a little while, and you’ll be asking yourself all kinds of crazy questions about things that don’t mean anything, and it all kind of sucks.
The *good *news is, this is probably a better outcome than if you hadn’t said anything. You said what you felt, and you’ll never regret that you never told her, because you did. Also, after a while, you’ll probably both start acting normal again.
Seriously? Why is it that people think this? I realize this is probably for another thread, but I honestly don’t understand why a close friendship with someone of your preferred gender automatically means it should move to romance of you should move on. ‘Friend zone’ doesn’t make any sense to me at all.
Really, the phrase “friend zone” sometimes sounds like a way to demean someone else for not wanting to have sex with you. I’m not saying this is true about the OP, but it happens a lot.
What it usually translates to, at least in my head, is: “I am too passive to just up front state what I want, or if I did, I was not willing to accept the answer for what it was. So I will passive-aggressively seethe about how I deserve this chick but she’s a bitch who won’t put out instead of moving on and actually being a friend to someone who wants to spend time with me.”
Usually the friend zone is no place for real friends.
No seething here. I agree the term is ridiculous. I’m well ok just being friends! Just giving her space. Not pushing anything and nor am I expecting anything. People and situations can and do change. She may come round someday and I’m unavailable. Such is life. Or things may change in some other undefined fashion and that’s also just life. I made my bed and have to lie in it, if I wasn’t willing to accept whatever answer came I shouldn’t have said anything in the first place. My only issue was her “friends” answer and the actions that followed it weren’t quite in sync with someone who really wanted to be friends, actual honest-to-goodness friends. I guess I was naive in expecting it would be forgotten “just like that” and realize now that it might only simply be space that’s needed. I’m ok with that, even if I miss the stupid banter we had all the time prior.
At least she didn’t tell me to fuck off 
The more I think - and knowing her own background - the more I think being co-workers is a big part of it for her. So much so that her first real communique to me was just this afternoon about an external but still very local opening with my company for me to consider. I can’t see her doing that as a way of telling me to GTFO, not at all.
well, i wish that were true, but i don’t see it happen much. in fact like i never see it happen. do you have examples of this, not one or two that prove the exception, but like as a real social dynamic that is commonplace? if you could prove me wrong it would be quite interesting to see your response.
I personally have have numerous very close friendships like that with no intention of it ever being anything else. One that springs to mind, we would see each other practically daily, regular phone calls, going out to the club together virtually every weekend, etc. We had talked about if we should date and both laughed about it…would’ve been like dating a sibling.
ok… but the point is, you are both attractive enough, or of similar level of attractiveness that you could date if you had met as strangers? that is a different dynamic than two people of unequal level of attractiveness trying to “be friends”.
(not arguing with you, giving you my thoughts)