Do i come accross as bitter? No, I meant that physical attraction is the main driving force in whether a guy wants to get to know a girl, in the biblical sense. There are a lot of people that say it doesn’t matter, that personality is more important, but imho that’s pretty naive. You’re average guy is going to go on looks first every time.
I think this is a little harsh. I didn’t know I would have to choose between my friends and my love-life! I realise they have the right to reject me, but I also think I have the right to do what I can to make things better between us. Just because I don’t want to sleep with either of them doesn’t mean I don’t care about them!
Yeah, brainfizz you did. Yes, I know looks are important to men. But what defines attractive? How do I as a woman, trying to attract that guy know whether I’m going to be placed in the attractive or munter (which is a truely hideous word BTW) category? Why can’t he get to know me first, realise he’s fallen insanely in love with me on the basis of my personality, oh, and I happen to fall into his “attractive woman” category? Why the emphasis on looks?
Oh, and Bruce_Daddy “those men still want you”, let’s see, nope J’s in a happy relationship, as is R, another isn’t in a relationship yet, but I’m still really good friends with, and he wants nothing but friendship. Nope, I think you’re talking rubbish.
Oh, and with the right man, i.e. one who’s sensitive, caring and intelligent, as opposed to a Neanderthal, alcohol won’t work.
It’s harsh, yes. The thing is you are looking at life, and people all have different motives and they react in all sorts of different ways.
You had a couple of guys having the hots for you, the thought that they might behave strangely never crossed your mind? They are only humans. I admit, just dropping out like that is extreme, but that’s not inconceivable, either.
I don’t think they were being childish. I could imagine that they were in a lot of pain, the mental anguish that just sunders a person’s psyche into a thousand tiny bits. I am not sure if you have had a similar experience. If so, you will understand.
If you care so much about them then you should leave them alone to work out their own issues. You did not want to be their girlfriend and they don’t want to be your friend, i don’t understand why that is so hard to comprehend… I’m sure most girls would be raising hell about them “not getting the hint” if those guys kept pestering them about getting in the sack after being rejected, well you are doing the same thing if you keep pestering them about being friends after rejecting them.
Best quote ever:
“And why does everyone always say I’m bitter just because 99.999% of chicks are bitches?”
Hey. Its not just about rejecting them. Read the OP - she said she thought they’d managed to work through the issues, and were good friends again. Then wham! As soon as she’s seeing someone else, the pair of them act like childish brats who didn’t get their own way.
Its almost as if the pair of them were still friends with her for the mere reason of “if I carry on being friends with her, she’ll eventually find me attractive, and I’ll get her”. When this plan has been thwarted, they’re both acting like brats. That’s the irritating part. The entire “I’m not going to be friends with you, unless there is some hope, however remote, that I may get to shag you at some stage” thing.
This is a great way to find out who your friends are, Jennyrosity. Great experience for you too 
I find that Ladder theory page insulting, however.
Damn straight. I am still amazed at how many women have no concept of how this works.
“You’re not good enough for me to sleep with you, but I’m moving next weekend, can you give me a hand? Maybe if you’re good, I’ll regail you with the sordid details of my sex life with the guy that is not you.”
They are hurting- leave them alone. Give them time to get over you, and maybe find someone that actually does want to be with them ‘in that way.’ It’s the most fair thing for all of you.
Waiting it out is the only choice you have. You made your choices of not wanting to date them and dating someone else. Their subsequent choice is to stop spending time with you and communicating with you. This may be disappointing and hurtful to you, but by the same token, your choices were disappointing and hurtful to them. No one’s choices were any more or less valid than anyone else’s here.
They probably are not doing this to punish you, just as you didn’t start dating someone else simply to rub their faces in it. They just need to get away from you because you now represent something that’s painful. Not trying to sound harsh to you again, but you have no more of a right to their friendship than they had a right to expect a relationship with you. Both of them, relationships and friendships, are gifts freely given, and everyone has the right to take them away at any time.
Its not almost like that, its exactly that. Why is that irritating? have you not heard hundreds of “she rejected me at first but i kept at it and now we’ve been happily married for 20 years” stories?
Angua,
Looks and personality are both necessary. But looks are usually the first thing a guy has a chance to see. And it’s easier to fool oneself into thinking a great-looking woman has a great personailty than vice-versa.
That is a definite possibility, but so is the perspective of others such as Flypsyde and Stonebow. I’m willing to guess that the two guys mentioned in the OP don’t currently have satisfying love and/or sex lives. Which can make hearing about someone who does, or even just hanging around with her, painful—kinda like watching someone else eat when you’re starving.
Congrats on the new BF! Those are jealous. I know it stinks but it makes sense. Now that know for sure your only going to be a friend it is to painful for them. Move on. There is really nothing you can say that will change anything. Also, I’m sorry but Ellis Dee saying that you are using them if want to be their friend is quite silly.
REPOST!! I need to proof read!
Congrats on the new BF! The guys are jealous. I know it stinks but it makes sense. Now that they know for sure your only going to be a friend it is too painful for them. Move on. There is really nothing you can say that will change anything. Also, I’m sorry but Ellis Dee saying that you are using them if want to be their friend is quite silly.
I think Chris Rock said it really well.
“want some dick?”
Most of the time (I say that because there are exceptions to most every rule) that is the question really being asked. Unless the gentleman is already attached, every woman is a perspective partner. The same is true for women, as much as most of us dont want to admit it. Two personal examples~
D, male. Utter sweetheart, will make some woman a very good husband someday. That woman will not be me. I absoultely cannot see him in a sexual way. He has accepted that I really dont want him as anything other than a friend. The last time that we spoke was when he called around and found out where I was staying after I left my ex-husband. He just wanted to make sure I was ok. When I asked him if he wanted to resume our friendship, he declined. Said it hurt too much.
J, male. I wanted him in the worst way. We were good friends first, slept together for a while after my boyfriend of 3+ years bailed, and his girl bailed. I made the mistake of falling in love with him. Oops. Sucks when that happens and they dont love you back, other than as a friend. If that. I’m not sure to this day. Call me bitter. I deserve it in that case.
Actually, I think the best way to meet a man like that would be over the internet, you can learn everything about someone before even seeing them. Hell, when you do see them, they’re suddenly the most attractive person in the world to you (my experience).
Why is it silly? shes i using the attraction they have for her in order to get what she wants (friendship), thats no different from a guy using a girl who loves him for sex when he has no intention of having a relationship with her or reciprocating her feelings.
Okay, for the last time: If someone falls in love with me, and I do not return the feelings - that is his problem, not mine. I owe him nothing. I have seen too many instances of guys falling for girls (it doesn’t seem to work the same way in reverse) and then making it her problem to deal with his crushed feelings. This can take years and often causes years of heartache - for her - caused by nothing except being the object of someone else’s love !
So, men, if you love someone who doesn’t feel the same way (ie those in the OP) : that sucks. It really does. It’s one of the worst feelings you can have. BUT it is not her fault, and no one can do anything about it but you. End the friendship if you really can’t stand to be around her because you want her so badly and can’t have her. Or else, if you can, change your feelings. If you can’t, don’t make it her problem. If you love her so much, why are you making her feel guilty about the way you feel?
Re: the OP - the thing to be done is for the men in question to back off and get over it. The OP should not feel bad because she could have done nothing to prevent the current situation. It is not a problem with her but with the men.
Sounds to me they’re pissed off because they want what they can’t have. This happens all the time when people get in relationships: men start coming out of the woodwork, who were nowhere to be found when she was single. From what my guy friends tell me, it happens to them too.
Hmm thats exactly what they are doing, seems like it would be the best for both parties. They don’t have to deal with the pain of seeing her with another man and she doesn’t have to deal with the annoyance of dealing with two guys who can’t let go. Shes the one that wants to have her cake and eat it too and can’t leave well enough alone and respect their feelings and their choice.