. . . because whinging to strangers is strangely cathartic. Feel free to let this one sink like a stone, because Ford knows it deserves to.
So, there’s this woman. I’ve known her for years. She’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. Lovely, smart, funny, brave. We’ve dated, hung out off and on for a while now - much more often, starting this summer. Of late, she’s been crashing at my place while she commutes from NYC for work.
I love her. Have for some time now. And so I did a stupid thing - well, arguably a series of stupid things, as I’m sure the Teeming Millions will point out. But this particular stupid thing was telling her how I felt about her, while she was crashing with me. Well, not quite all of it - I’m a gutless sonofabitch, so I said something like “hey, I really care for you, maybe we could try …?”
Nope. Not a chance. It’s not me, it’s her - which means it’s really me, most likely, but that she’s trying to be kind. So I’ve spent the last week, every night, maybe six, seven feet away from this woman (I live in a studio). At night, I try to sleep, and during the day I try not to think about what I could have done differently. And almost all the time, I feel like my gut’s being put through a meat grinder.
I’ve tried to put a strong face on it - with, I think, a fair deal of success. But it hurts - partly because she’s staying with me still, so I don’t have any space. And partly because she’s leaving in a couple days.
Wretched week. A few high points, but overall a wretched week.
Have you had sex? Insensitive question, I know, but it’s the first thing that came to mind. Were you two in any sort of physical relationship at all? I’m trying to figure out what about what you said spooked her, and why.
It’s neither of you - she just doesn’t feel the same way about you, is my guess. I think you did the right thing; you won’t spend the rest of your life wondering, “What if…?” now; you’re free to move on and find someone who feels the same way about you.
If I knew a guy felt that way about me, and I couldn’t reciprocate his feelings for whatever reason, I wouldn’t stay at his place. It’s not a very nice thing to do.
Ah. So you guys weren’t dating then. Well it all makes sense to me now. It’s all water under the bridge at this point, but why didn’t you ask her out on a date or two before professing your feelings?
Well, I’d say we were dating - romantic dinners, late nights, etc. YMMV, of course. And this wasn’t the first time I’d mentioned that I’d like to try a relationship - diference was that in the past it was “hey, maybe at some point …” and this time it was “hey, how about now?”
I think it’s almost impossible to ask someone you’ve formerly dated and now been platonic friends with for years, who is currently staying in your home, on a ‘date’ without first making it clear you have romantic intentions…
Yeah, that sucks. I’m thinking you were in “good friend” territory and she was comfortable with you there. You don’t want to hear this now but, believe me, you’ll be better off after she leaves. You need to get your head back on straight, and heal, and you can’t do that while she’s there. Good luck man.
Exactly. What do you mean by dating? Like you went out a couple times for dinner and she decided not to date you? That hardly justifies all this angst.
You need to sever with this chick. As much as you love her, she does not love you back, and she never will. This is not good for your mental health. You are crippling yourself in the long term. Stop doing this to yourself. Get some therapy for your “nice guy” issues and try to establish some boundaries. If a girl turns you down, either relegate her to actual friend status (with whom you do not desire to have a relationship because you know that is impossible), or sever completely if you’re incapable of adhering to a “just friends” boundary.
You also should consider the possibility that she’s using you without giving you ANYTHING back. For money, or a couch to crash on, or the occasional nice dinner. Don’t let her make a fool of you.
Sorry, but if there was no physical relationship the whole time, you weren’t dating. You were “hanging out.” And you know where that gets you - The Friend Zone. A pit from which very few men have ever escaped.
I’m sorry, Mr. Excellent. That seems like it must be rough.
Don’t beat yourself up about “what you could have done differently.” The problem here is not that you did the wrong thing, it’s that she just doesn’t have romantic feelings towards you.
Think about your feelings towards someone you are really into. Would your feelings towards her change if she made a social misstep? Of course not. When you have strong romantic feelings for someone, basically nothing can stop them. You will do whatever it takes to be together. And on the reverse, if you don’t have romantic feelings for someone, there basically is nothing they can do to make you want to be with you. If it’s not there, it isn’t there. You didn’t cause this outcome and you couldn’t have changed it.
Try to think of this without judging yourself much. Imagine a house painter with mint-green paint wants to paint your house. You don’t really want a mint-green house. You happen to prefer exposed brick, for whatever reason. Is this a slight against mint-green paint, or the mint-green paint man? Is there anything wrong with mint-green paint? Of course not, it’s just not what you need at this time. Would it make sense for the mink green paint guy to cry for hours about how he really wanted to paint your house? While it’d be normal for him to feel disappointment, his best bet is to find someone who wants a mint-green house.
As painful as it is, empathy is a good way to come to terms with these things. Think about it from her perspective. Try to think how she saw things, and why she reacted as she did. Try to respect her point of view.
In the meantime, whenever you find yourself dwelling on her, try to discipline yourself not to. I’m a fan of just saying a loud mental “Hey! No!” when I start to ruminate. Or I do the “I’m not going to think about this now, I’ll think about it at 8:30 PM tonight” trick.
And try to get out of there if you can. Leave her the keys and go out with friends. And for the love of god, next time she wants to stay with you, say no. You aren’t going to woo her that way. She knows your feelings and where to find you if you are interested. Don’t torture yourself just to get in her proximity.
Thanks, even sven. Sound advice. Of course, there is clearly something that causes the presence or absence of romantic love, and I could reasonably lament the lack of whatever personal qualities would have inspired it in this woman. People after all, are capable of change in precisely the way that a mint-green bucket of paint is not. But that’s a quibble, and your point is well taken.
Ever know a couple that was just terrible for each other but are still madly in love? Where they were obviously making each other’s lives hell? Maybe one of them is abusive, or just a loser, or they are both great people just not for each other? And yet they stay together, despite being so clearly horrible for each other. The chemistry is there. When that chemistry is there, you can fuck up pretty bad without ruining the attraction.
On the other hand, ever have two really great friends who would be great for each other- except for they aren’t? They are both smart, attractive, friendly people and they’d make beautiful babies together, but they are pretty much only ever going to be good friends? A really close friendship without sex is- a really close friendship. It’s not unusual for two really cool people to want to have a deep connection but not a physical one. If the chemistry isn’t there, it doesn’t matter how great they are. It’s not there.
I wish it wasn’t written for such a female audience, because “He’s Just Not that Into You” really is a great book for gaining some perspective. The basic premise is “When someone is into you, they will go through hell and high water to make it happen. If it’s not happening, it’s because one of the parties doesn’t want it, and there basically isn’t anything to be done about that.”
If you really can’t get over it, consider playing the long game. the long game is tricky, and is timed in years- not months or weeks. And you have to go in to it knowing that the 99.999% sure outcome is that you will lose interest in the original target and probably find someone who is better for you- and you have to embrace that idea whole heartedly. But if that .001% chance of being with her, for reals, years from now, is what it takes to give you some focus, go ahead and use that. To play the long game, you should not talk to her for at least three months. It’s better for you to focus, has some small potential to make a good impression on her (you are independent, have your own life, are not clingy, and are probably wanted by other girls) and will just save you a lot of heartache.
The next step is to go on with your life. Have a rebound relationship -even if it is half-assed, go through the motions. Do fun things. Work on your career. Join stuff. Learn things. Have adventures. Work on your emotional self. Be awesome. Then, maybe years from now, you will be in a position to try this thing again. And maybe it will work.
And for now, when it starts getting to you, take it in stride. You are playing the long game. You are making an investment. Not necessarily in her, but in yourself and your future. Let her have her time to grow, as well. If you aren’t what she needs now, maybe you will be later. But she probably has stuff to work through, too. Let her have a few relationships without worrying about it too much. She needs to figure out what she needs, as well. Then, when it’s all worked through, there is some small chance it might work between you guys. By no means should you sit there waiting- you have work to do. But keep it in the back of your mind.