Giving a relationship a second go

In My Humble Opinion
1

Last year I dated a woman for nine months. I really wanted to be in a relationship with her, but she seemed content leaving it in ‘untitled’ status. Because of this, and a lot of other things going on (very private person, didn’t really invite me out with her and her friends, hated PDA, inconsistent use of sarcasm, ambiguous about her feelings, criticised me on many things, etc) I kind of felt like I really didn’t matter much to her. I really waffled on where I wanted to go with things, because they didn’t seem to be heading toward a true relationship which is what I really wanted with this woman.

So we took a break, essentially. Since she had always said, “you’re free to date other people” (a noncommittal comment that used to bother me to no end) I called her on it. I said I wanted to date other people- we could be friends but it would obviously just be platonic. Following a good friend’s advice, I told her that I was still willing to have a relationship with her, if she was interested and I was single- just sorta left that one at the door for her to pick up if she wanted it.

Well I think it worked! :eek: Both of us briefly dated other people. I didn’t feel anything from the blind dates I went on, she spent time with her friend/ex who still had a huge crush on her. She clarified to him that the two of them were done, that he’s not getting anywhere. We talked again, and thinking about everything, she proposed trying out a relationship, but taking it from square one.

We communicate a lot better, all the issues we had with each other were hashed out and discussed. Spending a lot of time here on the 'dope, I have learned to respect a person’s well-thought and ‘cited’ ( :smiley: ) argument, even if it is completely contrary to my own opinion/beliefs. She addressed my concerns and explained her actions clearly- She’s a private person and just doesn’t gush to people, her family is conservative so inviting a pseudo-boyfriend over for dinner is too complicated and awkward to be worth it, she doesn’t like trying to force different friends to get along and in contrast when I invite her somewhere she doesn’t bring some 3rd wheel along just so that person can feel included. Her sense of humor is plain different from mine but we know what each other likes/laughs at. She’s more emotionally/physically affectionate when she feels safe and secure with someone who is confident. And so on.

So even though last year was crazy, I am giving it a second try, primarily because I can go through it knowing everything I know from last year, all the mistakes I made and misconceptions. Of course I won’t lie when I say I hestiated initially on her offer, primarily because she only really seemed to care about a relationship when I was fed up with chasing one with her.

Has anyone else had this kind of experience? How did it go?

2

The first thing that comes to mind is the stand-up comedian (Larry Miller, I think) take on re-starting a relationship that didn’t work the first time - “Ew, this milk is spoiled. Well, I’ll put it back in the fridge. Maybe it will be fresh tomorrow.” That said, talking all this stuff out is a good sign; maybe you can both go forward being on the same page, which it doesn’t sound like you were before. I think you did the right thing - told her what you wanted, left it up to her to come to you if she could provide that. I wish both of you the best of luck.

3

Any woman that tells a man it’s ok to see other people while you are dating is just not that into you. You sound like a nice guy and want to have something real with a woman. You can give it a second try with her but keep an eye out for a woman that will want you exclusively.

I second what Cat Whisperer said that spoiled milk is just that.

Good Luck!

4

It can work. My now wife and were heavily involved for a year when we were in college (though 600 miles apart) and then broke up. We both got involved with other people, but did see each other a few times and more or less kept in touch. 4 years after we broke up we started talking again on the phone, and 6 months after that got engaged. We both realized that nobody else would do.

5

Man, one of my friends went to hell and back with a woman he was really into. He put 100% into the relationship, she not so much.

They broke up at her intiative, and we helped him through the low period. He maintained contact with her through texting and whatnot, mostly in a advice-giving type role, I took it. He didn’t talk much about that…almost as if he knew we would support a clean break, since she just seemed to be using him. She was pretty unstable in a lot of aspects of her life.

So recently he asks what we would think if they got back together. Trying to be gentle, I asked if he was ready to go throught the pain he had felt before all over again, since that was likely to happen. She was in a much better place, he assured us.

He announced yesterday they were engaged. I worry about him, but we did the best we could.

6

Dude!

She’s manipulating you, plain and simple. She only wanted you back when you stopped chasing her. She’s an attention whore and a drama queen.

Look back atthis thread. You do acknowledge that things were nutty last year, but people don’t change that much in a couple of months.

She’s put you in a catch-22 anyway. She likes to be with someone who is “confident,” but by letting her jerk you around like this, she knows that you’re not confident.

Face it: There is no hope for a successful relationship with this nut-job.

You’re thinking with your dick. I’m sure your dick provides you with some good entertainment, but I’m not sure you should trust it as a decision-maker.

I know it’s hard, but walk away. You know it’s the right thing to do .

7

When women find someone they really care about they are rarely so casual about their willingness to let you date around. If your intent is to have a permanent, committed relationship with a woman you are probably barking up the wrong tree. If it’s more just a f*** buddies who date and hang out scenario then ride the tiger as long as you wish don’t be don’t be stupid enough to think that’s going to blossom into a long lasting relationship.

8

People can change after you break it off with them for awhile.

She may have realized during your absence that you were the guy for her. Just be careful. As others have pointed out already, you broke up with her once because of her behavior. It could resurface again. But on the whole, I see no reason not to try it again with her if you are comfortable with the situation.

9

How old are you? If you’re in your early or mid twenties then I don’t really think it can hurt to try it out a second time. Well, it may hurt eventually, yes, but we as humans need that sort of hurt in order to grow.

If you’re in your thirties or older, you may want to seek out someone who reciprocates your feelings and, with no offense meant to your lady friend, someone who doesn’t display as many trust issues. Dating became much better when I hit 30 since the immature mind games are no longer applicable.

On a personal note: I ended a fling with a gorgeous, funny, confident, and smart woman who was still talking to her ex-boyfriend and wouldn’t let me be the main man in her life. After that, I started dating (and am still seeing) a woman who is cute (but not exactly a supermodel) and has some profound self-esteem problems, which she is working on.

Why do I consider it an upgrade? Because the woman I’m with now genuinely cares for me and makes it very obvious that she has my best interests at heart. Ask yourself if this woman has your best interests at heart and wants to see you happy and thriving. Only then will you know if it’s worth a do-over.

10

So we can expect you to be posting in the “ever known anyone stood up at the altar?” thread sometime soon?

I think second chance work if both people have experienced some personal growth. Like sometimes you are just to emotionally immature to make the required investments to make a relationship work. But if it’s on-again-off-again, then it’s a pattern and won’t likely ever really stabilize.

I’ve had too many friends in the OP’s shoes who try again with a girl without realizing that her feelings towards him are really “You’ll do for now.” and then the guy gets dumped when what she really wants comes along.

Probably the worst was a woman who dated a buddy of mine until “something better” came along. Mr. Smtg Better dumped her so she started dating my buddy again. Then one day he went to pick her up from work for a dinner date they had planned, and she told him she couldn’t go because she’d just gotten engaged to someone else. My buddy had always been just a back-up plan in her mind.

11

It can work…but you need to be cavalier about it. If it works it works…if it doesn’t it doesn’t. Meanwhile, I’ll keep an eye out for someone better for me.

You need to do that if you really want it to work.

However, what is essential from the first second you get back together is:

Don’t take any shit.

She gives you shit, you call her on it and walk away.

Do not love her more than she loves you. Do not work on the relationship more than she does. If you do this, it increases the likelihood of it working. If not, you are doomed.

12

Yeah, if you don’t have any expectations, you won’t be disappointed.

13

I disagree with this.

It’s not not having any expectations. One can hope.

However, you don’t invest disproportionally into the relationship.

14

I totally agree. The fact that she won’t let you meet her family supports this idea.

Unless…she’s the one who Palinated you. In which case, please report to the nearest loony bin immediately for even considering getting back with this girl.

15

I think it is possible that she realized what she had lost when he ended their relationship. I’d give her one more chance to act like a real girlfriend. If she goes back to her old ways, I’d call it off permanently - you can’t force something to work that just doesn’t fit. Sometimes you need to fully explore possibilities before you realize in your gut that this is not for you (and, if I recall correctly, Incubus is the right age for doing this).

ETA: After reading the link, if she is the Palinator, please consider all my advice except Larry Miller’s retracted.

16

ROFLMAO…not sure if it was intended, but still is funny.

17

Some things had changed, and they’ve gradually been steered in the direction I’ve wanted them to go.

-I visited her family last Christmas on Christmas eve, and she visited mine on Christmas day. Aside from some things it was pretty nice- she made my family some very good flan and they loved it. Her family surprised me by giving me a very nice bottle of olive oil as a gift, and I surprised them with a gift basket, poinsetta and chocolates. When she visited my family for Christmas day my mom had prepared a christmas stocking for her (a tradition of ours that extends to SOs) along with a gift, she was also pleasantly surprised.

-I can go to her house, pick her up for a little date and its not a big deal to her that her family knows she’s seeing a guy.

-I take things much more positively. She, in turn is much more direct and specific in her feelings. We talked, and she wants a relationship. Not, “lets see where this goes”, not “Let’s not put a title on this” but “I really want this to be a RELATIONSHIP”. I had a lot of skepticism and cynicism in the past, and have been revising my attitudes.

Am I being naive still? Maybe. But for her to continue to have some kind of ‘angle’ in all of this seems like kind of a stretch- we go dutch on most outings, she drives out to visit me at my apartment, talks to me on the phone for hours (on days I’m free to sleep in and she’s gotta get up at the crack of dawn).

When I was incredibly ill from food poisoning she took off during her lunch break at work to take care of me, and even cleaned my apartment when I was too weak to get out of bed.

When I was feeling kind of down one day she ditched her friends for a few hours to come visit me, encouraged me to go to a park and take a walk with her which really cheered me up.

When she went to a recent charity theatrical event with her best friend, she invited me and bought me a ticket which helped make me feel included with her friends, even though its not something she normally does.

Ultimately, I do love her, and when I see the good things lined up with the crazy, it doesn’t seem quite so bad. Of course I’m fully aware I could be naive about all of it; I guess my point here is to share that I’m not giving it a second go out of desperation/lonilness but rather I am trusting her word. Like other dopers have suggested, I’m not investing any more in it than she is, its pretty even at this point. And just because I’m giving it a second try doesn’t mean I regret breaking it off initially, I’m glad I did that as it gave both of us some breathing room and time to think and calm down. We will see where it goes- at least now I am in a position of really knowing what I am getting myself into, which I was not before.

18

Ah, so she was the Palinator. (Love the word, by the way.)

Okay, so I think you’re completely nuts for trying to get back with her, and all the “new and improved” stuff that she’s doing is trivial at best, but you’re young and naive, so I’ll still give you sympathy when it all goes to shit again.
Wilbo–not intentional, so I can’t take credit for the funny. :slight_smile:

19

I feel for you, but I think you’re deluding yourself.

The break you took from the relationship wasn’t very long, certainly not long enough for her to have done some soul searching to decide that you’re the one for her. I’ve got to agree with the other posters here that this is probably going to end badly for you.

Obviously I don’t know you or her, but this situation sounds a little bit familiar to me. I suspect what’s going on is that she isn’t really all that into you (to use a horribly overused phrase), but she thinks she should be. You’re a nice guy, you obviously really care for her, you treat her well, so why isn’t she head over heels? She may be trying to feel something that she really doesn’t feel because she thinks you’d be good for her. If that’s the case, if your relationship with her continues, she’ll always be settling. Do you really want to be someone your mate has settled for, or do you want someone who’s crazy about you?

The fact that she was so indifferent to the fact that you may date other people is very telling. If there was a real spark there, she probably wouldn’t want to share you with other people.

I hope it works out, but I also hope you don’t spend a whole lot of time trying to make her love you if it’s just not there for her.

20

When I moved to Denver, I was newly single and went a little date-crazy for a while. (I finally realized I need to settle down when I had 3 dates in 3 nights with 3 different guys. I had started just calling everyone honey because it was too hard to pick the right name.)

Anyway, after a few false starts, I met Don. I thought he was it, because we connected on so many levels. I ignored the bad things and just focused on the good stuff. Looking back at my blog posts, I was surprised how many ups and downs we had. He even tried to break up with me once or twice, but I realized now that we didn’t ‘resolve issues’ - I just talked him out of it, or begged him to keep me. I was a fool, but I was the fool who loved him.

He eventually did dump me (thank Og). I was so miserable for a while. And when I tried to start dating again - I was a mess. I even finally gave in and dated someone I knew was not right for me. In fact, so desperate was I to get past the mess, I moved halfway across the states and right in to Mr. Wrong’s house - not even one preamble of a first date (we had known each other for years - while married to other people).

4 months later, and I stumble across an email from Don. And what do I do? I crawl right back, only now it’s long distance. So much easier to ignore that although he said he’d changed, he really hadn’t.

Thank Og I had. One of the best things I ever did was to dump his sorry butt. It took me a while - I had to really grow up a lot - but eventually I realized that this sour milk was still sour (Love Larry Miller!).

Flash forward to today, and I’m in the healthiest and best, most fabulous relationship of my life. It is truly awesome. Why? Because I’m actually in a compatable relationship.

Incubus - you remind me of me. You are trying to make a square peg fit in to a round hole. And the truth is - you might “make” it work - but all this forced compromises and communications and adjustments? You’ll never get a true fit that way. There will always be gaps in your relationship.

Dude. What if awesome comes along and you miss it - because you are too busy torturing yourself with ‘it could work’?