I’m curious what people’s opinions are on the subject of dating the same person a second time after an initial break up; does this ever work? It would seem to me that if a relationship ends, or isn’t working, it’s probably not in the cards and trying it a second time wouldn’t result in a better outcome. But that is just my (admittedly inexperienced) opinion.
(Now I’m discussing relationships absent any major outside factors, such as drug/alcohol addictions, abuse, etc.)
My then girlfriend and I broke up for a couple years before getting back together and getting married (now for 20 years). I don’t think this is especially unusual.
What were the reasons for your break up? If it were something like distance or employment or other non-compatability related issue, then I can totally understand. I guess my question is more about the relationships that end out of “irreconcilable differences” (or something similar) and then re-start again at some later point.
IMHO it’s always worth a try.
Communication is the issue. Leaving the past behind always helps.
If anything, one might remain best friends.
Re-igniting a relationship means dealing with the issues that caused it in the first place.
Sail slow, sail steady, and accept what happens.
Sometimes people just move on - no matter how much you want them back into your life.
Call her. Take her out to dinner or to a concert, dude.
Make it a “no-stress” evening for both of you.
I was involved in college intensely for a year with someone who lived 600 miles away. We broke up on our first anniversary. While we never lived any closer than this, we did sometimes keep in touch, and saw each other twice in the next 4 years. Then we started talking again, got engaged, and have been married for well over 30 years.
We were both immature the first time. Having the opportunity to be involved with other people, and to realize that no one else would do, worked for us, but we are way outliers.
The second try was pretty good. The third try is proving somewhat problematic.
I dated my now husband for several years. We broke up (he dropped me like a hot rock). Retrospection tells me that it was more complicated but I convinced myself it was only due to the distance factor. We’d met when we attended the same college. He went to grad school a few states away.
We both married other people, and those marriages ended quickly. When we reconnected I convinced myself it was destiny (I’m easily persuaded, it turns out), that our first marriages were doomed because were were destined only for one another.
We got back together for a few years, and broke up again (this time at my instigation).
After two years living apart but with sporadic contact, we not only got back together we got married. Problems have cropped up that I’m hoping ar surmountable, but am starting to realize were probably contributors to the initial breakup. After a couple of years I’ve realized he didn’t rekindle our relationship because he couldn’t imagine being without me, it was more a case of “better the devil that you know than the one that you don’t.”
My answer to the question posed in the OP is that I believe that it can work, as long as you are brutally honest with yourself about what broke you up in the first place, and are sure you can live with it in a new phase of the relationship.
Hmm…But it would seem to me that you aren’t so sure if it can work, ultimately. No?
I think it depends on what you mean by “work.” If you mean forever, then I haven’t heard of one that worked out. But a friend was married for 11 years, divorced the guy, was single for several years, married again, for a few years (maybe 4), divorced, single for another couple of years, then got back together with first husband and they remarried. A whole new honeymoon, extreme measures to produce children (she was 40+ when they reconnected), extreme measures successfully produced twins, and then, when the twins were around 12, they got divorced again. The first one was actually pretty civilized, the second one less so. So all in all, they were together for say 25 years, and mostly good, but they weren’t together forever. So did that relationship work?
I know another couple who had a separation of something like six years, got back together, and are still together, but though they are still legally married they are pretty damn distant. I wouldn’t call that working either.
I’m not sure if I understand you. Call her up. Say “Hi”. See what happens.
Worst thing that could happen? She could tell you to fuck off. (Not likely). Go for it.
My cousin (who was the age of my parents) and his wife split up after greater than 30 years of marriage, spent a few years apart, then remarried and have been married for another 20 years. As far as I understand, they came to a point where they thought they had grown apart, but then their separation made them realize that their goals were more similar than they had believed.
I can’t imagine myself doing anything similar, though. If I’m done enough with someone to put myself through all of the usual relationship-ending drama, I’m completely done with him.
Absolutely. My brother and sister-in-law dated at university, broke up, then got back together years later and are now blissfully married.
Back about 38 years ago I broke up with my then girlfriend, because I found someone else. About 3 years later, after a couple of other girlfriends on my part, and an extended trip to England on her part, I reconnected with her. A year later, we married, and we’ve now been happily married for 34 years. Yes, it can work: sometimes, one or both of you have to get something out of your system.
I dated a guy when I was 19 and he was 21. FWB, mainly, but we got along well for the most part. We had a mutual split after 7 months or so. A few years later, we rekindled our friendship, and a year later we started dating again.
Today is our 7th wedding anniversary, so I’d say it worked out pretty well.
The man that I’m with now was my first boyfriend. We first dated about 17 years ago, when I was 16 and he was 19. We were young, loved each other, but… I was still in high school, he had a kid and life stress. We were together for only a few months, but they were pretty intense, especially to me.
We tried again for a very, very brief period when I was 18. He wasn’t ready to commit and freaked out. We had many mutual friends, and I dated his two best friends, then married one of them. He went off and got married a few years later. We remained fairly close friends, though we would go for a couple of years at a time, sometimes, without talking to each other. I divorced his (former) friend, married again.
We credit the iPhone and Words with Friends, partly, with bringing us back together now. We were both in the process of dissolving our marriages, and started chatting while playing games. Then we started hanging out in person again, with the help of a mutual friend. We started voicing past regrets with regards to one another. Got to know each other anew, and the way we had each changed over the past 16 years. Despite being friends, we had never allowed ourselves to open up to each other over the years. Too many barriers. Once we let those down, realized how much we had each grown, and learned new things about each other, we fell pretty head-over-heels.
We’ve been together just over a year now, are moving in together next week, and are getting married early next year. Our sons already consider each other brothers and our families all get along.
I always tell him I knew we would end up together again. 16 year old me wrote it in my diary. He’s the love of my life.
If you had a good reason to break up, you need a better reason to get back together.
I married the same person twice. No.
This never happened to me. The only time I tried, she wasn’t interested. But I had a good friend who married and then divorced. At some point they were back together. I asked him about it. He said they had had to meet to arrange for the funding the college of his daughter (whom he had adopted when he married her mother) and everything sent so smoothly that he began to see all the good things about her that he had seen in the first place. I never heard the story from her side, but it had to have been somewhat similar. A year or so later, they broke up again. Although I never heard any details, I assumed that whatever reason they had for breaking up in the first place came to the fore again.
When he got ill later on, it was that adopted daughter who cared for him. He died some years ago.
I didn’t start this thread for advice for anything going on in my life; rather I am painfully close to someone who has made this choice.
For mentally healthy and very aware people I do believe it can, in fact work. However, I don’t know as many folks who are like that as folks who aren’t.
I am slowly coming around to the understanding that it wasn’t the best move for me, but that doesn’t eliminate the possibility for other couples.
If the initial breakup was over something like “I love you but I can’t maintain a long distance relationship, my graduate work and a job.” I think it could work.
If the breakup was because they didn’t have the same goals regarding marriage or children, or monogamy I’m less optimistic.