I’ve been seeing someone for a few months now and things are going really well. Last week, he was offered a job that will result in him relocating. It will be about 2.5 to 3 hours away. We talked and both agree that we want to continue seeing each other. I am just curious what experience anyone has had with this. Did it work? Was it a disaster? Any suggestions?
When there is not a solid short-term plan for reunification, it takes a very high level of commitment (like vows, children, that kind of commitment) to make it work.
When there IS a solid plan for being permanently back together soon, it’s much easier.
Agree. Age also matters. What might be impossible at 20 is more likely at 40. Depending on the people involved, of course.
Mrs. Cups and I were long distance for 2 out of the first 3 years of our relationship and we, somehow, made it work. And by “long distance” I mean she was living in Indiana and I was in North Carolina, then I stayed in NC while she went down to Florida. We saw each other about once a month give or take…sometimes it wasn’t worth it so we skipped a month.
I honestly couldn’t give any “advice” or anything like that because, well, we just kinda took every day and made it work. From my perspective, it was really hard being away from her, but breaking up wouldn’t have accomplished anything either. There wasn’t anyone I wanted to be with or date or whatever, and it was the same with her. We knew we’d eventually be together, so we powered through it.
We were right, too. We eventually came together and now we’re married. I’m sure we’re a unique case. But long distance CAN work.
Oh, FTR, this was in grad school, so I was in my late-ish twenties and she was in her mid-twenties.
I think it is questionable when it has only been a few months.
Why did he take this job 3 hours away when it meant leaving you? Why didn’t you go with him?
Just dating a few months? This will most likely be the end of this relationship. Make a clean break. Get it over with and move on. IMHO, of course.
At only a few months in, it’s hard to say if you really know each other. You’re still in the infatuation phase of your relationship. It’s going to take a bit longer to really get to know each other.
Good communication will be key to maintaining the relationship. With all the forms of instant communication, it should be easy to be a part of each other’s lives. Even though you are apart, your communication should still be frequent and feel natural. However, you shouldn’t try to force it. If the communication starts to get more and more infrequent, that’s a sign that it may not last.
What are your plans for eventually living in the same city again? Do you see yourself moving to his city or him moving back?
When you talked with him about you moving with him to where he is now, what did you say? What did he say?
I ask because moving away can be a way to let someone down easy. To break up without having to say “Let’s break up”.
I’d say that IME, 2.5-3 hours isn’t terrible. You can each drive a little over an hour and meet in the middle (or if you both love your jobs, move in together in the middle and have an unenviable a commute). It’s more than 3 hours each way that feels like a slog and can push either party to press forward earlier than the relationship can handle.
Another issue w/ LDR is if it’s easier for one person to visit the other and the efforts become inequitable, resentment may show up eventually.
I’ve never had an ultimately successful LDR (even a long distance marriage), though I’ve tried a couple of times. I wouldn’t do it again. But! I’m 48. You may not be 48.
I wish someone would offer me a job 3 hours away, that’s all I gotta say…
My now-husband and I made long distance (I was in Ohio, he was in Los Angeles) work for a year and a half. I think people above have already made the best points. Communication is key. A reunification plan (like Germany!) is important. And I’d also add that if either one of you tends to be clingy or anxious, it probably won’t work. We saw each other roughly once every 6 weeks.
If it’s the right person, you’ll make it work. You won’t be able to stop it.
My late husband and I navigated a relationship between the USA and Australia. It took us 3 years to get on the same continent. Part of the delay was our decision to give his daughter more time to accept her dad’s choice to move to the States to be with me.
It was very hard, but we both knew it was inevitable. No regrets, even though our time together was much too short due to his untimely death 11 years ago. I wouldn’t change a thing.
Some people around here commute 2 hours a day, each way. Give it a shot. You’ll soon find out if it works or not - if it doesn’t you are not much worse off than just dropping the relationship now and never being sure if it could have worked.
I never lived closer than 600 miles from my girlfriend in the 7 years I knew her. Then we got engaged. And we’ve been married 40 years. So it can work.
OP, if you and your SO want to be together, no amount of distance will stop that.
My current SO did long distance for more than two years. She lived in New York, and I live in [REDACTED]. We took the train and bus to see each other all the time.
Then, she got a promotion and moved to [REDACTED] with me, and it’s been great.
Three hours is not bad, especially if you have a car. It could be a lot worse: You could be states or even continents apart.
One thing you need to keep under control is your jealousy. It’s really easy to fall into this if your SO is hanging out with other people.
Nothing will kill a LDR faster than jealousy and resentment.
Three months after mizpullin and I were married, I got a job offer on the other side of the world. Since jobs were scarce and we weren’t in a position to turn away money, I went. This was in the early 80’s, before cellphones and email. Long distance phone calls cost a fortune (that we didn’t have). So we communicated for six months only via handwritten letters.
We’re still married, and will celebrate our 40th anniversary soon.
I’ve been thinking…
When I first looked at this thread I thought of my own long-distance woes of the past, and reacted accordingly.
But you’re 3 hours apart?
Does that even count as LDR?
I mean yes of course it does, but you can hopefully see each other from time to time.
In my opinion, if it was a first relationship for a young person, I’d be inclined to say “let it end and discover how you feel about that”. But that’s sooooo easy for some old guy to say.
In the end, only you know the answers.
The answers are not even the point. The point is to ask the best questions. Ask the wrong questions and your answers won’t matter anyway.
Answers are usually fairly easy when you have the right questions.
If you are a person who is not accustomed to a lot of travel, I can see where 3 hours seems like long distance. But for others, that distance is a daily commute.
If you have no plans on getting closer anytime soon, I wouldn’t do it. I’ve never been in one, but I’m a member of another message board that’s exclusively about relationships. I’ve seen enough bellyaching about this situation that I know it wouldn’t be for me.
I’d give it a shot I suppose, at worst it’s a waste of time, but not unless you’d be willing to follow in the future.
You should plan on alternating weekends at each other’s places. Drive over on Friday night and come back on Sunday night. If there’s any reliable bus/train service between your cities, that’s even better.
My daughter and her SO were across the continent from each other for three years (grad school & work). Skype, and a very strong bond, got them through. They are married now.