You tend to hear that long distance relationships never work. Invariably, one of the people will meet someone else, or grow tired of never seeing the other person, cheat, be unable to move to be with the other person, etc., and the relationship ends. The strain of distance can be too much for some people. Even with email, phone calls, voice chats - it can’t really replace just being there, getting kisses and hugs, sex, sharing experiences together.
So tell me, have you been in a long distance relationship? How old were you and your partner? How far away did you live? Did you live in the same place first then one of you moved, or did you meet on a trip, online, etc? If your relationship failed, why? Was it the distance or something else, or a combination of factors? If it worked, why do you think it worked? How did you overcome the distance?
I’m asking this because I am in a LDR. I lived somewhere else for the first three years of college and met my boyfriend a few months before I moved back home. I already knew I was moving away by the time I met him. We’ve been doing the long distance thing for over a year and a half. We live two hours apart, which is a small distance compared to what some people do, but he has a full time job and I am a full time student that works part time, so we usually get to see each other 2 weekends a month, sometimes one more, sometimes less. So we get Friday nights until Sunday afternoons. Every once in awhile we get a day or two longer if he can take off work and I am off work and school. The distance may seem paltry but it’s really not for us…it’s actually kind of killing me inside and I am at a turning point where I need to make some decisions about how long I will mentally be able to put up with our situation. So I am asking for others’ experiences, good or bad, just to feel like I’m not the only one.
Well, I can’t tell you how it ends, yet, but the first 25 years of marriage have been OK.
Deb and I lived 4 1/2 hours apart and our dating and engagement relationship sounded a bit like yours. I would recommend a LOT of talking about things. We (thought we) talked about everything and we still had some challenging surprises about living together after we were married.
We dated for a bit over a year before our engagement, with a couple month hiatus after three months, and were engaged for ten months.
We met when Deb roomed with my sister in college, although I did not really get to know her until we “re-met” about six years later. We were past the first blush of youth when we began dating, (my uncle, officiating at the wedding, described us as “a confirmed bachelor and an old maid”), but I did get a wedding band on her finger before she turned 30.
From what I have seen, every couple has different challenges. It is probably not a bad idea to have second thoughts now rather than after getting married, but I would not draw the conclusion that you need to break up or presume to give you any advice. I would also suggest that you not take too much advice from strangers. (How does he feel about the situation?)
My husband and I began dating in school. When we were 18 we went to different universities. We were about 2 and a half hours apart by train. We did the long distance thing for 3 years until I graduated and went and joined him. I think knowing how long it would be until it was no longer LD helped.
UncleBeer and I are 4 1/2 hour drive apart, and it will be 8 years in February. He does the lion’s share and then some of the driving. It works for us, but I don’t think it would work for most people.
I’m now married to the man I dated online for a year. Long-distance relationships suck, but that also means that the ones that work are of a necessity very strong.
I dated a man for about a year and then moved 3 hours away to go to grad school. What I found was that the distance hid a lot of the major issues we never came to terms with in the first year we dated (and they were serious, believe me). Being apart and then having those few days together a couple of times a month made being together new and exciting every time, but did little to make our relationship deeper. We broke up after a summer we spent together when those issues really came to light (we were together just over three years total).
Tomndebb is absolutely right about doing a LOT of communicating, but you still need to make sure you’re completely honest with yourself about that miserable feeling you have and what’s causing it.
I met my now-husband (through the SDMB, incidentally) when we were both living in NYC. We were in our early/mid 30s at the time.
After we’d been dating almost a year, he moved down to FL to take a new job. In some ways, our relationship actually improved during the year we had a long-distance relationship. When he was in NYC, he was working crazy hours and we had very little time together. His new job was a lot more relaxed, so we were able to spend 1-2 relaxing weekends a month together, as opposed to catching an hour here and there. Either he’d come up or I’d fly down. It helped that there were a lot of relatively quick (3 hour) direct flights between our two locations.
After about six months of the long-distance thing, we started to discuss me moving down to FL and us getting married. After we’d lived apart for a year, I moved down and we moved in together. We got married a year later, and have been married just over four years.
I’ve been in two long-distance relationships. The first ended after about 18 months, but that may be put down to cultural differences as well as distance. The distance was pretty great, though: we met in France and dated there, after which I came home to the USA and she went home to Japan. Neither of us had a clue about the other, I think.
My second long-distance relationship…we erased the distance after a half year and have lived together for about 11 years (married for 7). So far so good.
My first LDR failed. We’d been talking together online between the US and Australia for several years & had been “together” for about two or three.
I was getting the money to finish off paying for my ticket over to Florida to see him & see if we could make it work, when I got “I don’t think we have enough in common, you’re great but I just don’t think it’s working”. Translation “There’s a chick who’s physically closer to me”.
My second LDR is now coming up on our fourth year of marriage come this January, and we’re in the process of buying a house together. We met a few months after the end of my previous LDR. He was visiting the US, but from the UK. We spent about 6 months talking online then he came over to Aus and spent 3 months with me. At the end of that 3 months (of living together like we would in a “proper” relationship), he went home and I realised I didnt’ want him at home, I wanted him with me. So just under a year after that he moved to Aus on a working visa, then we got married the January after (2005). We’ve had some ups and downs, but it’s been good.
I had a LDR where I was in Cleveland and he was in North Carolina. We’d met online. It was my first serious relationship.
It seemed to work pretty good for about a year (we visited about once a month) but I’d eventually had enough of it and he moved up here. Wasn’t too big of a deal because he wasn’t tied to a job down there anyway.
We broke up after 3 years total but I don’t think the LDR part had anything to do with it. I enjoyed him living here more than I did him living in NC. It ended for totally different reasons. He still lives here.
We’ve been together just over 7 years and only lived in the same town for one of them. Started out in undergrad 2 hours apart, although we did get to see each other for summers when we both went back to our hometown. Then the year together, then I got into vet school. 12 hours away. We are getting married 3 weeks after graduation this coming May. I can’t wait until the day I never have to miss him again!
I don’t want to break up with him, but I do need some sort of timeline from him…I am starting a masters in January so I can’t move for at least 2 years, and he is in a crappy college town without a huge job market and I lived there before - don’t want to move back. He’s at his first real job, just about at 2 years now, and I don’t know how long he wants to stay there, he’s said in passing all kinds of different possibilities - 1 more year, 5 years total, etc. But it never seems like a good time to bring up a possibly shitty conversation.
The first LDR I had was a 3-hour distance for about one year. Made it through the LD part, broke up about two years after moving in together because, well, we were a terrible couple.
The second one is my current SO. She and I have been together just over 4 years, and the first 1.5 of those were long distance in the way of about 13 hours. Ultimately we got through the LD part, but not unscathed-- there was some infidelity that I don’t think would’ve happened if the distance had not been a factor, and I think that for some or even most people, it would’ve been a deal-breaker.
I think the key, for me, to getting through a LDR is knowing the distance will be eliminated. Not thinking or hoping, but actually discussing it and knowing. It’s even better when you know exactly when and how, because then every day is one day closer to the day you’ll be together for good.
I wouldn’t say my relationship was truly long-distance (we lived 1.5 hours apart and saw each other mostly every week before he moved back here), but two of my friends are in truly long-distance relationships (as in 9+ hour drives). Both of these relationships have lasted over two years and, despite the usual relationship kinks, are still going strong. One of them actually prefers her relationship that way; she is very independent and likes having most of her time to devote to her own interests, while still having someone to call late at night.
But then, it all depends on the couples’ self-control and relative independence in/from the relationship. I can understand how temptations towards breakups or infidelity may occur as a result of loneliness. It’s the kind of lifestyle you and your partner need to discuss very clearly and honestly, which can be very hard to do if controlling your emotions is often difficult.
I was in a long-distance relationship when I was in college and for a couple of years after. My then boyfriend lived in New York and I lived in St. Louis. We broke up because he wanted to date other people to make sure I was the One. Which really was code for, “I want to screw around while you wait in the wings. Maybe I’ll come back to you…when I feel like it.” The thought of him screwing other women to decide if he should come back to me just didn’t appeal for some reason :rolleyes:, so we broke up. Strangely enough, he contacted me about two years ago (seven or eight years after he dumped me) to ask if I’d ever move to New York. I was delighted to tell him that I had a son and was married.
Almost forgot - we met at the college we both attended. We broke up once in the middle; my only regret was that the second time around I didn’t dump him first. Mature, right? As for why the relationship didn’t work, well, most of it is explained above. He was also a couple of years younger than I was, so we were really in different places. I wasn’t surprised it didn’t last, and I’m so glad it didn’t. My husband is the most wonderful man I’ve ever met and much, much more satisfying - in every single way.
SpouseO and I had a LDR - we went to colleges about 5-6 hours away for 2.5 years, then I studied abroad half the world away for a semester. Been married 8 years now, together for 15. It can work, but communication and trust are key.
Mine has been for close to a year. Though it is tough, and there have been times when I just want to throw in the towel. We have an L.A./S.F. separation. Which is an hour by plane (how we do it). We make sure to see each other 2 times a month minimum. I’m just really happy that we met at a point in our lives when we can afford it.
This weekend we finally put a definitive deadline on it and are in the process of choosing a mutual city-which is likely to be in New York City (because of what we do for a living) even though we’re both really loathe to leave California. It really is dependent on where I get into business school, but at this point I just want to chuck in the towel and try for Columbia or NYU because I’m not up for another 3 years of separation.
Although a part of me says that with his workaholic nature it really doesn’t matter where we live.