Long-distance relationship advice needed

Those of you who have seen my previous posts know that I’m interning in Washington D.C. right now and that I’m dating someone I’ve met here.

Her name is Jennifer and she’s one of the most lovely girls I’ve ever met. In the past few weeks, it’s become clear we’re in love with each other.

But here’s the problem: I’m from Michigan. She’s from Texas. I’m graduating in less than two weeks. She’s graduating in a year.

I don’t want to give this girl up. She’s smart, strong, sexy, beautiful, cute, and so much fun to be around. She gives me all I’ve ever envisioned in my ideal relationship.

We have to part ways at the end of May. Aside from a summer internship in Michigan, I’m free to go wherever the tight journalism job market will let me. I’m also willing to do PR, if it’s for the right person, organization or company.

Aside from any applicable job leads in Austin, Houston or San Antonio, I was wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation and I’d like to know what you did, for better or for worse. Is there a way for me to be with this girl, or should I just chalk it up as a great experience and look for another woman closer to home?

Of course, I don’t think there’s any girl better than her, so I don’t know how open-minded I am to all types of advice right now. Still, any that can be offered is appreciated.

Judging by the above, I think you’ve got the answer. Stick with her. I’m in Sydney, and had a long internet romance with a girl in Hong Kong (it ended for reasons other than distance).

Long nights together in ICQ kept us going. So did nine hours on a plane when I could afford it.

Stick with her, mate.

This hits fairly close to home…

I’m currently involved with a wonderful man in Melbourne, Victoria, (I’m in Pennsylvania) whom I haven’t actually met in person yet (I’m always waiting for people to burst out laughing when I type that…), but who is gentle and sweet and loving and sexy just through his words (and I have seen a portrait pic of him (and vice versa), so we’re not doing this blind). But the distance is incredible and we’re both so un-rich that I sometimes doubt if we’ll ever get to actually meet.

Still, stick with her. A year is nothing, and it’s always possible that she can move to be with you, too. You have something wonderful; don’t throw it over just because you think the situation may be hopeless.


Go for it man. I take it your young (mid 20’s maybe?) what have you got to lose? If things are as special as you think this shouldn’t even be an issue for you. Besides either one of you relocating could be fun and interesting. I’d say it’s definately worth trying to work out.

I doubt I’ll say it as well as the others - but go for it. Be aware that it will hurt though being apart. I know, you’re not stupid and you know this already, but it bears repeating. It will probably be especially bad for you as you started out able to see each other everyday & just be there for each other. Those of us posting recommendations here got into our LDRs knowing full well at the start that that was what we were doing.
Talk to each other, tell her how you feel, see if she feels the same and whether she thinks that she can cope. And when you’re apart, talk to each other - by ICQ, by netmeeting, by pc2phone or whatever is cheapest…the cheaper it is, the more time you can afford to talk to each other for without worrying about the other - or the more money you can save for flights at the weekends :). And if it hurts being apart, tell her that too - don’t hide it, she’ll be hurting too & if you start hiding your feelings from each other because you don’t want to worry/upset/burden her, you’ll start building little walls between you.

Anyway, enough agony aunt stuff - if it is good & important to you, hang on to it & fight for it, if you make each other happy, don’t even consider giving it up. I wouldn’t change a moment of my relationship (other than to wish we were together full time right now, but that isn’t practical at the moment. As soon as it is though, I’ll be looking for computing jobs in Kansas, just like you are contemplating looking for journalist/PR ones to be with her). The distance hurts, but the person it is for and what you have toether more than makes up for it.

I think fierra said it beautifully. :slight_smile:

I have nothing more really to add other than to give you my best wishes, and tell you that love knows no distance or time.

Go for it.

Maybe I am just confused here. Why be apart? You are graduating in a couple weeks. Go to Austin, get a job you can stand for a year–if it is journalism or PR, great, if it is tech writing, suck it up, it is just until she graduates. Austin is a wonderful city by all acounts, and even if the relationship crashes and burns, spending a year in a totally different culture will be good for you.

All this is provided that in a year she would be willing ot move to whereever the two of oyu oculd both find work in your fields.

As usual, you make your decision what to do & take the consequences as they come SNenc. It would be interesting to see how far you’ll go for a woman.

I think I’m probably the Long Distance Relationship Queen. Every serious relationship I’ve ever had, save one, involved time apart. I even married a guy in the Navy, so for the first 7 years of our marriage, we were probably only together for about half that time!

It’s a challenge, but it has its own rewards. It is an excellent way to find out if your relationship has the “right stuff” to be an enduring one. It also sounds like you are at a very exciting time of your life, one that is perfect for making changes. You can literally go anywhere, and a whole smorgasbord of choices is open to you. Giving this relationship a chance sounds like a really good one of those choices to me.

I’m with everyone that says “Go for it.” LDRs are hard, definitely. They offer special challenges that dating someone closer to home doesn’t. But, like romansperson said, it will be a test of whether your relationship can stand the test of time.

I do think that if you can move nearer, then do. It may be hard and it might not work. But you don’t know unless you try, and if you don’t, that “what if” question will always be in the back of your mind.

They hurt like hell. A lot. Prepare for it. But it could make your life better as well.

My dear beloved has never been close. The two years of high school he was a half hour drive away. (Enough to be anoying, no suprise visits, had to get parental permission, etc.) Then I went to school. In PA. (I’m from MI as well.)

Here you have the bright source of all in your universe…and you never get to see them. Its hard. Its hard to not cheat sometimes. Its hard to not just want to die, or something, anything to get out of what you have built, but you love them, so you stick. Days pass, months go by. You scrape a visit for a few precious days. And go back to the life they cannot share with you, alone.

If she’s special, and you’re strong, go for it. But it’ll get rough. Just understand that and keep lines of communication open. As much as you can. Send e-mail, ICQ, hand write letters, anything you can to try to keep in each other’s lives, keep the relationship evolving and growing.

Its hard, I’m not doing it ever again, I’m dragging my boy here after this summer.

Is it survivable? Yea, sure. Is it fun? Only sometimes.

Since nobody else here has done this, I just have to pipe up…

Are you people freaking nuts?

I’ve been involved in several LDRs and have determined that it’s really just a way to avoid intimacy. You get to feel like you’re in a relationship, but most of the time, you’ve got your time and energy and space to yourself. There’s not much to sacrifice, when you really think about it. You don’t have to “think for two.” Example: If someone wants you to go to happy hour, you just go. It’s not like you’ll stop and e-mail your SO, “did you have plans for us this evening or shall I just go out with my work buddies?”

Maybe I’m just shallow and dysfunctional, but I fail to see how a healthy relationship can be carried on over long distances for any significant length of time. (Okay, I can see commuting a couple hours for a few months or something.) There’s so many tiny little insignificant things that occur on a day to day basis, and you can’t really achieve true intimacy – emotionally – until you can share all those little things. Experience them together I mean, not just talk about it later over ICQ.

In regard to the OP, however, I think Manda Jo nailed it. Is there someone holding a gun to your head saying you can’t go to Texas? If you really love her that much, go be with her. Don’t try to keep it going, miles and miles apart. That’s just like trying to teach a pig to sing… Frustrates you… annoys the pig. (Sorry, I live in the South!)

I have to agree with Dogzilla here.

I just broke up last October with a SO after a 1000-mile LDR of 3.5 years. In the past few months, I’ve discovered how much it cost to maintain that kind of relationship: phone bills, plane tickets, hotels (we frequently met in Vegas since it was so cheap to travel there). I spent over $4k in 2000 alone, and it wasn’t even a full year. I advise against it, unless all you want is a plaything.

But that doesn’t seem to be the case. Your girlfriend sounds too good to give up, so I also agree with Manda - move to Austin with her. If you don’t, and she’s as good a catch as you describe, someone else will move in on your girl.

One thing I like about LDR is that I can have a woman in each state.

slight hijack, but…
you’ll be in Michigan in May??? perhaps you should check out this thread (I remembered a post you made about the Verve Pipe, a concert in Lansing - I’m in Lansing, the Verve Pipe guys used to live next door to me)

Yes, and unless you’re willing to change that (not everyone is in a LDR by choice, after all) in the long run, you’re fucked. Trust me, I know.

But in this case, the OP seems genuinely prepared to make these sacrifices. If the feeling’s well, it IS well. Go for it.

Oh, and handy? Please amuse us with pictures of your 50 mistresses, will ya?


  1. Go to Texas, do whatever work you can find in order to be near her, and plan on doing another job search at the end of the year, or

  2. Plan on the LDR and take advantage of IRC, e-mail, phone calls, and maybe a few trips in between to sustain you. A year apart isn’t long, if that’s how it must be.

I’d go for option 1 if I were you. If nothing else, you’ll see a new culture, and maybe come to love a new area, or rule it out when the 2nd job search comes to pass. If you do go with option 2, don’t decide to get married or anything like that right away after the year is up, please. You really do need that time together to learn each other’s personality, needs, quirks, and you ain’t gonna get that through a computer terminal.

Oh, slight hijack: Bagel Fragel is closing.

I married the woman I had a LD relationship with for 3-1/2 years. I think the reason it worked is that we never lived in the same city, it was ALWAYS a LD relationship until we moved to the same city. In otherwords, it started out that way, so I wasn’t used to seeing her everyday of the week.

They are tough, but can work. Go for it if both of you have the discipline to do it.



No, no, no. I fell into this long distance relationship (LDR) because Fierra is the one for me. I was very reluctant to get involved in it at first, as the distance seemed insurmountable, and I worried continuously that I was on the rebound. Or that she was on the rebound.

I did not seek out to have an LDR, nor did Fierra (if I may speak for you, my love). It just happened. I wasn’t looking for it, I wasn’t looking for love at all. My numerous posts and threads on my self hatred show that I am incapable of believing I have enough value to be worthy of a relationship with others. But still, somehow, Fierra and I came together. And when I look into her deep, full, color-changing eyes when she says “I love you”, I know that this is real. She makes me feel like a 15-year old is supposed to feel. She makes me feel like I have never been in love before.

I did the sacrifice thing and the “think for two” thing for years - 8 long, mostly bad years. I did 100% of all of the chores and housework and shopping, and, well, everything, while working 60 hours or so a week. I paid my dues, I know what a tough relationship is like. Oh believe me, I know.

As for my “time and energy and space” for myself,

  • I spend all my spare time talking to, chatting with, or mailing Fierra.

  • My energy is put towards making a new life.

  • My space is cold and empty and scary. This house is too large and quiet, and echoes. It needs a Fierra here to fill the void.

What would you have someone do until they can be together for a long, very long meaningful time? Give up? Fuck that shit. Fierra completes me, and she makes me feel like her queen, her goddess.

I will put out a differing viewpoint. I submit that my relationship with Fierra is actually the most honest and open one that either of us have ever had, by a long shot (speaking for you again, my love). And is likely to be one of the most honest and open relationships that is possible to be had.

We talked, chatted, and shared everything online about the tragedies, triumphs, likes, dislikes, most secret naughty desires and needs, greatest fears - everything before we really ever met. And definitely before we knew we were truly in love. I put forth that our relationship was much, much more honest and open and stable from the start - because we had no secrets from each other. Because we could each hide behind the anonymity of chat and e-mail, and physically we are 4343 miles apart. I felt free to tell her everything - expose my soul - because if things went bad or wrong, it was really easy to run away. Just unplug the computer.

LDR’s can work. They seem scary because things are often accelerated. You get to know the thoughts and dreams of the person from chatting safely online far, far earlier than you would IRL. Is that a bad thing? It’s different, and it doesn’t suit some people.

And how do you know they are honest? Shit, how do you know anyone is honest? People have this view sometimes that face-to-face is much more “honest”, because a person will be much less likely to lie to your face. Well, accomplished liars have no problem at all lying to you in person - I’m sure most of us have had that experience.

And if what a person says online about their thoughts, hopes, dreams, naughty sexual fantasies doesn’t scare you, well damn, what are they going to tell you IRL that is worse? When you know the most “risky” things that you admitted were done so online and the other person accepted them fully.

Fierra and I did that. I described it in this thread here:
Internet Relationships

where I mention coming up with the “questionaire” to try to put likes, dislikes, whatever down on paper.

I know that we are mixing long-distance with Internet realtionships here, but the two share so much in common - as either your LDR will move to an Internet relationship when you are out of town, or an initial Internet relationship moves to become an LDR one (as in my our case).

Fierra is correct in her post. It does hurt to be apart. Each day I cannot look into her blue, green, and brown eyes - each day I cannot hold her and smell her peach-mango body wash. Or hold her little hands, or see her smile - that lights up her whole face. To taste her 8th Wonder of the World kisses. Or to feel her lithe little body next to mine, so hot in the middle of the night. Waking up at 3:00 am and just listening to her breathe. Not having these things hurts me every day.

BTW - my sig was changed several days ago, not for this thread or having anything to do with your post, Dogzilla. I changed it because some people Just Don’t Get It. :rolleyes: