I’ve been warned by many, many people about hooking back up with someone too soon, and how much I have to avoid that “rebound” relationship. Even before I was going through separation/divorce, I’d always heard that advice dished out to other people. And of course, I’ve known many people who have talked about having a rebound relationship or being someone else’s rebound.
So how real is this phenomenon, and how does one make sure to avoid it? I can’t believe that everyone is doomed to an ill-advised relationship after a breakup no matter what they do. What are the right steps to take to prevent this?
I jumped into a relationship immediately after breaking up with my ex. As for him, he broke up with his ex in order to start a relationship with me. (Neither of us had “good” breakups, as in, we have absolutely no contact with our exes, but mine was by far the messier one.)
Obviously both of us brought some issues into the relationship. We were able to get through those by being as honest as we could with each other. It was hard at first - I had a tendency to hide things, because I was afraid that bringing my issues out into the open would fuck things up. But my boyfriend insisted that we be open about these things, and it’s worked out in the long run.
My sister and I both married the guys that we rebounded with, and have been married happily to our respective husbands for many years. Your mileage may vary, obviously.
A very bad break-up, to me, is one with trust broken as well as hearts. I’ve come to understand the need for comfort when heart-broken but comfort is not love and it’s not trust. Trust takes time and maybe therapy. IMHO, the first relationship after a bad break-up is not doomed to failure but both people have to be whole and unbroken enough to do the work that all good relationships need to sustain themselves. My first relationship after a horrifying break-up had broken trust built right into it and led to another bad break-up, which fortunately led to me being dragged, kicking and screaming, to therapy. After much dating and a few not-bad break-ups, I’m home with Lep64 and the rat terriers.
Messy break-up circa July 4, 2000. Met new girl in mid-August and had first date Labor Day of same year (she was the first date but not the first hook-up post messy break-up). Married “new” girl in May of '04. Still happily married.
For me, instead of relying on a preconcevied set of guidelines, I took it slow and tried to be honest with myself. Everyone is probably different.
Just wanted to add my “no” to the others. That may be true for some people, but it’s far from being the rule.
Many people who’ve had a very bad relationship break up feel that they need time to heal from the pain and the loss of trust. Others can work out those issues as they go along in a new relationship, as was HazelNutCoffee’s experience.
No, I don’t think the first relationship after a breakup is doomed for failure as long as you take the relationship slowly. But how long to wait before starting a new relationship probably depends on a lot of factors, like how long the couple was together, whether or not they were life partners (as opposed to boyfriend/girlfriend or dating), and the specifics of the breakup or divorce. In the case of a divorce after n years of marriage, it might make sense to give yourself at least a couple of months.
Obviously not. No matter how long you wait, your first relationship after the break up is still your first relationship. If it were doomed to be problematic, then there would be no point in waiting. It would be better to hurry and get it over with.
Anyways, in my opinion, it’s only a “rebound” relationship if the reason you are in it is because you are lonely, and not because you actually love the other person. The problem is that it’s hard to tell the difference for a while afterward, for a lot of people. How you’ve handled similar experiences in the past is probably your best indicator.
My husband and I were both each others’ first serious relationship after a messy break-up (divorce for him, long-term lover for me), and will be celebrating our 21st wedding anniversary in just a few weeks.
Note, though, that I said ‘serious’ relationships’. We both had ‘rebound’, non-serious relationships in the interim.
Not saying it couldn’t have happened any other way. Just didn’t for us.
It can work. Don’t try to shape the new relationship to re-create your marriage. Be honest about yourself about what went wrong in your marriage, and try to avoid those same pitfalls.
Rebound relationships often suck because you’ve gotten into bad relationship habits (nagging, suspicion, lying, whatever) that you can carry over into the new relationship. Self awareness can limit the amount of time you stay in the land of suck.
There are too many variables to make up a rule for it. However, lessons from the most recent failure are often the most vivid and may cause reactions out of proportion. If you just broke up with someone who beat you in drunken rages then you might freak out if a guy has a couple of beers while watching a football game. If the last woman cheated on you, then you might be jumpy about a woman who occasionally hangs out with platonic male friends.
You take whatever time you need after a breakup to get comfortable with yourself.
That said, sometimes things just happen and you don’t want to shut out a great opportunity.
I dumped my ex for the man who eventually became my husband. Had I avoided dating him because he was clearly a “rebound” relationship, I’d have missed out on the love of my life.
I have Drain Bead’s situation - except my husband did the dumping of a fiancee to date me.
I think a rebound relationship is probably something that should be handled with caution generally, and even more caution when you are the dumpee rather than the dumper. Someone with a broken heart has to go through a period of mourning - and that usually takes some space. (Although not always). Someone who was the dumper probably doesn’t require that period of mourning, and probably needs to exercise less caution, unless they had a dysfunctional relationship to recover from that they dumped out of that requires some healing.
No. Mr. Neville is my first relationship after one of the two disastrous break-ups in my life. This was the one that made me think I wasn’t cut out for this whole relationship thing (the earlier one had made me think I was a horrible person). It was two years later that I started going out with Mr. Neville, but that’s pretty typical for the time between relationships for me.
I’m confused, and this question comes out of a desire for clarification, not judgment. Are you saying that you found your current husband while you were dating someone else, and dropped the guy you were with so that you could be with the man who is now your husband?
Not exactly. We’d known one another for a while, had dated in the past when I was 19, but had an amicable split-up and remained friends. My relationship was already on the skids. I broke up with my ex, and he asked me to go elsewhere for the weekend he was moving out. I didn’t really have any local friends who had room to put me up except for the man who is now my husband. I went over there for that weekend and pretty much never left.
