I have long had a policy against dating men who are just coming out of a divorce.
It has been my observation that anyone – male or female, the one who asked for the divorce or the one who was taken by surprise by the request, straight or gay, regardless of their age, or other circumstances – coming out of a marriage or other equivalently serious relationship can only benefit from taking some time to process that experience. It seems to me that it takes time to get to know oneself again outside of one’s understanding of onself as a spouse/partner/lover (the relationship as a couple) and outside of one’s role in the previous household (esp. if there are kids).
So for these various reasons, my rule of thumb is that someone coming out of a marriage (or equivalently serious relationship) should take a year before starting another serious relationship. Does a year mean 365 days exactly? Of course not. And the year might be less – but if the marriage was ten years or more, and/or if there are kids involved – yeah, a year.
And though I’ve never been married, I’ve been functioning as an adult for more than 30 years, and I’ve seen a lot of good relationships and I’ve seen a lot of bad relationships. And I’ve done some work on my own bullshit here and there, both in therapy and in the self-help community, so I know a little bit about taking a look at myself and seeing some stuff that may not be as functional as I’d like.
So – that’s my thinking, that someone coming out of a divorce should spend a year coming to term with that before starting another relationship. But, as I said, I’ve never been divorced, and I’d like to hear from some people who have been.
How long after the moment that it was clear that the marriage was over, you were now a free agent again [whatever form that moment took for you] did you wait before starting to date casually again?
How long was it before you got involved in a serious relationship? Was it long enough?
Has anyone, divorced or not, every seen a relationship begun in the ashes of a previous marriage that turned out well in the long run?
Plus, of course, any other thoughts about any of this you wanted to share …
Preach it, sister. This is Contraryology, but my rule of thumb is one year from the day the divorce was finalized–not filed, not separated but finalized. We are all nuts that first year so to try to build a solid, serious relationship prior to the completion of that year is counterproductive.
Yes, yes, we all know exceptions. But that’s the point–they are exceptions, not the norm.
I was married 16 years with two children. I was batshit insane that first year, sorting through what I contributed to the end of the marriage, and what I wasn’t accountable for. I also really worked through what I wanted/had to have in a potential relationship and what was completely negotiable.
Yes I did date that first year, but I was very clear with everyone involved that I was not interested in any sort of serious relationship. I had a lot of healing to do and part of that healing was finding out whether or not I was attractive to the opposite sex. Turns out I was
I dated very casually for a couple of years, then got in a semi-serious relationship (on again, off again) for three years. In the meantime I’d met my now husband and got to know him as a human being. When we started dating in 2002, it was really smooth sailing.
You are both precisely on the money. I was married 18 years, two kids. I started dating a little after the six month waiting period expired, so it was more than a year, less than 1-1/2 after initiation of the divorce before I started dating, and I did because it actually felt right. I was feeling HUMAN again. I dated casually for a year or so before I met someone I was with for 2-1/2 years and we’ve been broken up a year now. I haven’t dated anyone seriously since because I haven’t met anyone worth my time. I am not going to compromise on the important stuff any more.
I too would never date anyone just coming out of a relationship. There’s a whole lotta getting to know yourself that must go on first, and I am not a therapist and don’t want that whole dynamic going on.
16 months after moving out, so maybe 4 months after the ink was finally dry (which is quite the anticlimax, or was for me).
I’ve had one LTR since the divorce – I met her a little over a year after beginning dating, it lasted 2 years, it did not end well. Since some part of the problem in that relationship was the little cloud of chaos that is my ex, and my continuing entanglement with said chaos due to us sharing a child, I guess that you could argue that it was to soon. Anyway, I think I now recognize it as a much more delicate situation than I’d figured it would be (and I’d figured it would be a hurdle). The chaos is well on its way to settling down, so maybe 6 years would have been more sensible!
My subjective impression (and I’m willing to hear reason that I’m wrong) is that late 30s/early 40s area really weird age group to be dating within, at least where marriage and having children are concerned. Many people looking to start a family right away, many people who have no interest in it, many people who already have teenagers and don’t want any more, many people who have not had a committed relationsho for decades and seem comfortable with that. It just seems like marriage and children is a huge issue that’s hard to address on dates without sounding like an ass.
A good friend’s brother went through a nasty divorce (his divorce lawyer remarked that’s it’s rare the mother of a 3-month-old starts sleeping around), and has been married to the woman he began seeing the middle of the separation for 4 years or so. So there’s one, at least.
I would happily shag someone who was freshly divorced (as someone happily shagged me for a few weekends there early on), but I wouldn’t be expecting any kind of relationship consistency. If they had kids, I’d be even more cautious about getting involved right away. (I think having your kids meet the new girlfriend/boyfriend within months of a divorce is creepy and wrong, and would be a warning sign for me.)
It’s been just about a year since we decided to separate and divorce.
**1. How long after the moment that it was clear that the marriage was over, you were now a free agent again [whatever form that moment took for you] did you wait before starting to date casually again? **
I started dating casually immediately after we decided to separate. I’ve dated a LOT over the past year.
How long was it before you got involved in a serious relationship? Was it long enough?
I have specifically avoided serious relationships this past year. I don’t want to be in one. I expect that I will eventually have another serious relationship, or even marry again, but not now. Even if I met someone fabulous, I’d have to hold off.
3. Has anyone, divorced or not, every seen a relationship begun in the ashes of a previous marriage that turned out well in the long run?
I’m sure there are lots of relationships like this that have turned out well, just like there are plenty of people who are happily married to their high-school sweethearts. But generally, it’s a bad idea.
Plus, of course, any other thoughts about any of this you wanted to share …
Sometimes it irks me that so many people think of dating only as a search for a spouse/SO, and that they can’t seem to accept that other people really aren’t looking for this! Casual dating can be a lot of fun!
I have been separated for 3.5 years, and while Im eligable for a divorce, I havent done it yet, for various factors, most of which are economic and some which have to do with my husband being among the missing. (This isn’t about that though…lets not hijack the thread)
So, yes in the eyes of the law, I am still married, but when he left town a week after I called the police on him I considered that the day it was “over.” And I didnt date for well over a year after that, (in fact it was a friend who told me either I start dating or she was going to put a profile up for me on a dating site and find me some dates…) I found it pretty uninspiring/uncomfortable and scary until I met MR NICE GUY 1.5 years after the break upand dated him for a year and a bit…
He was a total sweetheart and the complete polar opposite of my ex. And it didnt work because while he was one of the nicest guys you could hope to meet, I was never attracted to him physically, and we had some different long term goals…plus he is significantly older than me, and some things about that and his not taking care of himself worried me very much. He started talking rings, and babies, and things… Suddenly I was very much not interested in continuing…
(NOTE: this is more than a “women don’t like nice guys” thing. )
So. I fled that relationship,was looking for some random flings and ooops! the “fling” became my boyfriend…probably a little too fast… but the new guy and I are going strong 8 months later. We’re much more compatable, and he has other qualities besides “NOT MY EX”
So, for me, it took a year to even think about dating, six months after that to get into a a very safe relationship and just under 3 years to start dating anything other than “comfortable, safe, friendly”.
20 years together, then 2.5 years apart. I’m still not ready for dating, and I wouldn’t recommend myself to anyone anyway.
One thing I did notice, about six months after we split up, was that I suddenly found women of all sorts very attractive (mentally and physically) indeed, as if part of me was craving for a relationship. Luckily, I didn’t try do anything about it - I’m sure it would have been disastrous. Those feelings have stopped now, and I’m a lot more rational, but not level-headed enough to be a good prospect.
I just started dating just recently. So it has been about a year…
I am dating the first guy since my divorce now… I am holding out as long as possible before the word “serious” comes up.
I am taking baby steps, or at least I am trying, with this new guy. Lately when the talk of “serious” or whatever comes up… I feel like maybe I didn’t take enough time for myself. Baby Steps. I have goals for myself since the divorce. Going back to School. Get more into my photography… so they are first for me and I have made that clear.
You don’t need “time to process” a divorce. That leads to a life of isolation, despair, and suicide.
If you split up, get out there right now, tonight, and hit the bars and hit the sheets - there lies sanity and long life!
Not long ago, I was flamed for suggesting that it’s unwise to immediately make your moves on somebody who has just broken off a serious engagement. now, I realize that this isn’t quite the same as getting divorced; however, I think the principle remains. It does indeed take time to process the experience, and so it’s best (and at the risk of getting flamed, I daresay more respectful) to give the person time to know one’s self again.
Yeah, I know. Some people say that the best way to get over a relationship is to plunge one’s self into a new one. Such advice may sound good, but frankly, I think it’s ill-advised.
How long after the moment that it was clear that the marriage was over, you were now a free agent again [whatever form that moment took for you] did you wait before starting to date casually again?
**4 years. That was after 17 years, 8 months and 25 days of marriage (not like I was counting or anything), and a slow motion 2 1/4 year divorce. **
How long was it before you got involved in a serious relationship? Was it long enough? It’s been 7 years now and I’m happy; more settled, more comfortable in my own skin, and more content that I’ve been in many, many years. (including the marriage years) Still, I haven’t found someone that I’ve connected with enough to form a serious relationship. But, I’m patient, not needy or anxious. I’m willing to wait for her. She’s out there somewhere.
Has anyone, divorced or not, every seen a relationship begun in the ashes of a previous marriage that turned out well in the long run?
**Not any I’ve seen. While there may be one here and there among my friends that I’m unaware of, I am aware of many rebound relationships (and I mean many) that turned out poorly.
My personal policy: If your ex isn’t 2 years into your rear view mirror I’m not interested. I suppose there’s an exception to every rule, (with one year being a non-negotiable minimum) but IME it takes 2 years to get to know and like yourself again, and put the divorce drama behind you.**
Plus, of course, any other thoughts about any of this you wanted to share …
**As to remarriage, I’ve seem many people end up in rebound marriages. I’ve come to believe that it takes 2 years or so to know someone well enough to determine whether you want to spend the rest of your life with them. (with, once again, one year as a non-negotiable minimum) If I marry again, I will not be rushing to the altar. **
The same week. My ex, well, I suspect it was about minus two or three months, though I have no proof.
About three days.
No, I dumped her after a week and moved out of the country. Then I went on a screwing frenzy. Eventually we got back together again six months later, and have been married five years.
The ex from the same relationship married her rebound guy, whom she may have been seeing before we broke up, and is expecting his child in May. They’re very happy.
I started dating my ex before he was divorced. Did it turn out well in the long run? Well… it ended badly, but it ended badly ten years later, so I guess it depends on how you look at it.
After we broke up (we weren’t married, so not technically a divorce, but I’m counting it anyway), I started dating pretty much immediately. Not looking for my next boyfriend, but dating. And I’m glad I did, it was exactly what I needed. My relationship ended because my ex had, over the years, become someone who was controlling, insecure, self-pitying, and could suck the joy out of a room in 3.5 seconds. I in turn had become someone who walked on eggshells to appease him. I didn’t need to sit around pondering that, I needed to get out and remind myself that there are people in the world who are happy and well-adjusted, and that I used to be one of them, and could be again.
That was a year and a half ago. I’m still dating, still not looking for anything serious (I’ve got a decade of misguided monogamy to make up for!), but I’m ready now, should the right guy show up, to go with it. I just know now that he’s going to have to be one seriously exceptional individual.
Not necessarily – but they would seem to be in the way that posting while driving a semi is advocating – which is actually more or less in line with my assumptions in the OP. Basically: if you need to go out and get laid, fine, go ahead – date up a storm – but it seems to me that there’s the danger of collateral damage to the people you’re dating if they’re not aware that that’s all you’re doing.
