How important is it to start dating quickly after divorce?

In My Humble Opinion
1

So, I’m divorced.

I left my husband back in October of 2010. Best decision I ever made, though my post-marriage life hasn’t exactly been easy.

My divorce was finalized this past August. Since then, many people have been telling me that I really ought to start dating, before I join the ranks of the permanently undateable.

The thing is–the mere idea of dating makes me feel very tired, even after almost two years of living on my own. I really feel like I don’t have the time or energy to deal with it. And, for whatever reason, romantic entanglements obviously don’t work out very well for me. See the aforementioned divorce for evidence supporting that claim.

And before you ask–I don’t do flings well. If I sleep with someone, I feel bonded to him. I realize that makes me crazy and clingy, but that’s how I am. It’s not voluntary, I promise. For me, at least, oxytocin is a powerful and dangerous thing. So I kind of have to do the friends first, get to know you slowly thing. Any other approach leads to unhappiness at best.

I’m calling upon the collected wisdom of the Dope to provide some insight, here. If I decided not to date for several years, would I really be SOL if ever someone special came along? FWIW–I’m 38 and have already become invisible to men. The probability of my meeting someone is already close to zero. I know my chances are only going to get worse with time.

2

Scribble, from what you have written, I don’t think you are ready to date. If you think the probability of meeting someone now is close to zero, then it is. Because that is your mind-set. But you do need to make an effort to get past some of the blocks you have set up.

I met my last love at 40. Sadly, it didn’t work out well in the long run, mainly due to living in separate countries, but it lasted 10 years. I’m looking again because I want to share my life.

Your chances for meeting someone are still good. And, there are lots of guys out there who are looking for something more than a fling. Just don’t expect to meet the right guy at a bar or a TGIS party. Get your confidence in yourself and in your attractions back and someone will be interested.

3

I am not divorced, but have had two very long-term relationships that ended (9 years and 7 years). I do think you should try to get back in the game (I hate that term) unless you are content to be by yourself. You are still quite young (I’m 36 myself) and there is no reason you should have to be alone if you don’t want to be.

So in my case, I had to force myself to get back out there and I’m glad I did. However, it is VERY tiring. You have to devote a lot of time, energy and effort to it. But I am hoping in the end it will be worth it, because I know I won’t get anywhere if I don’t try (a guy is not going to drop out of the sky into my lap, unfortunately).

By the way, that does NOT make you crazy to feel bonded to someone when you’ve had sex with them. That is normal and healthy. It means you have feelings and emotions and aren’t into casual physical relationships, which I think is a good thing. Too many people will just jump into bed too quickly and I don’t think it’s healthy.

Also, why do you feel like you’re invisible to men? In my case, when I became single again and started dating, it helped me a bit to get some new clothes, get my hair done and put on some makeup for dates. That made me feel more confident.

Good luck to you and let us know what you decide!

4

Not at all important to jump right back into things, at least to me.

There are people who absolutely have to be in a relationship at all times and will go out and find one within days of losing the old one. When I look at those people, I see that it is less about love and fellowship and more about insecurity and a psychological need to have someone, anyone, there at all times.

And that “permanently undatable” thing? Bullshit. Not unless you start becoming some crazed loner who doesn’t bathe, if you start accumulating unhealth numbers of cats, or if you start viewing men as the enemy, or similar unhealthy and unreasonable things.

There are people in this world who think there is something wrong with you if you’re NOT in a relationship. For example, before I got married, the wife of a friend was uncomfortable with me and wouldn’t invite me to most events because they were “for couples and you’d feel uncomfortable”. No, SHE felt uncomfortable with single people, even other women. The moment I got together with my future wife, she was all over inviting me. I became a normal person in her eyes. The minute we separated, I was damaged goods again.

5

I completely and utterly endorse every word here! I myself “Don’t Hook Up”, I try to go slow. Though I’m rusty in the dating scene.

6

Although I was open to having a relationship immediately after my marriage ended, it was three years before I was ready. People had told me it would take two years, but I didn’t feel ready after two.

There’s nothing wrong with choosing to be single. I think it’s preferable to be complete in yourself than needing someone else to complete you.

7

I would just like to post the obligatory
How you doin? before anyone else.

8

I think there’s two separate issues here.

There’s not feeling ready to date, which is perfectly fine and something that only you can decide if you’re ready to do or not. And then there’s your having given up already, putting yourself in a place where you’ve already declared yourself undatable and invisible.

There is nothing wrong with taking as much time as you need after a divorce to get yourself back on your feet and feeling better with the idea of dating. This is about how you feel, and there is no wrong way to feel in that regard.

But if you’ve already given yourself up as “undatable” “invisible” and “unworthy” then the question is are you ever going to feel ready to date? If you feel undatable, you often present yourself as undatable. And people pick up on that. So when you feel ready to date, you’ve also got to sit down and have a talk with yourself, and remind yourself that you are visible, that you’re worthy of someone’s time, and that now that you’re ready then it’s time to give it a try.

9

It’s important NOT to date soon after a divorce. I myself won’t date someone who hasn’t been legally divorced for at least a year (the one time I violated that rule, I paid heavily, as did the Dopers whom I exposed to my misery), and two years is a better rule. You are toxic, like it or no, for that long. You are self-absorbed, uncertain, unsteady, and full of details about your ex-, your lawyer, your settlement, blablabla and no one wants to listen to it, though if you’re cute enough, some will force themselves.

I sometimes feel like sending notes of apology to the first few women I went out with after my divorce.

10

But what do you count as the divorce? Here in Maryland it takes at least a year for the divorce to go through, other places it’s rather quick. I’ve been separated for two years now, though divorced for only 8 months.

I think a lot of it depends on how long the person was married/in the relationship. I mean if she was only married for a couple of years it’s a lot different then someone who’s was married for 10-15 or more years.

I think that Scribble should ‘date’, and by that I mean go out on one or two dates with a bunch of different guys just to get used to the idea again. You don’t need to sleep with anyone, and any guy who’s older then 20 who thinks that isn’t worth your time anyway.

Also don’t think that you’re invisible to guys. You’re my age and trust me, us guys still notice all of the women. What you may find is that there are a lot of married people or people with kids at our age. With kids it makes it very hard to date.

You should check out the Internet Dating thread we have going on. There are a couple of free sites out there. Go out a few times and get your confidence back. And if you happen to live near the DC area…:smiley:

11

Can I make the point that “other people” are NOT you? Your life is not their life. There is no way they can know what’s in your head, how you feel, or what you “should” do.

No one is EVER “permanently undateable”. What nonsense. I have an aunt who didn’t meet her special someone until her late 40’s, and didn’t marry until 56. Uncle Ray must have been amazing, because she said he was worth the wait. I know people who date, and marry, into their 70’s and even 80’s.

If that’s how you feel then you aren’t in a head space where dating is a good idea. Notice I didn’t say “ready to date”, that implies there’s a mandatory requirement or timeline. There isn’t. If you feel better, or less stressed, NOT being in a relationship, NOT SEEKING a relationship that is totally OK. It’s OK to be single. You are not required to date at any point in your life.

That said, keep an open mind - my best relationships have started when I wasn’t actively looking, but simply going along with my life when I bumped into someone of quality and we hit it off. If the opportunity arises go ahead and date (but do not feel obligated to have sex) but if you don’t want to seek it out you don’t have to do so.

Then don’t do flings.

No, not at all. See reference above to aunt who married for the first time at 56.

No, you’ve become invisible to men who’s first priority is a young female. You have not become invisible to all men.

Oh, please - it is nowhere near zero, though I can understand why you might feel that way with a divorce behind you and no one special in your life at the moment. The pool of men may shrink over time, but that’s not necessarily all bad - there are a LOT of crappy male human beings after all, why would you want to waste your time with them? I find that fewer shallow men are bothering me, which is actually a relief. There are men out there who prefer mature women, women their age, even women older than them. You are now moving into their radar range.

12

Ya’ know Scribble, there’s nothing wrong with being single. Despite what the rest of the world is telling you.

I’ve recently discovered this about myself. I’ve heard plenty of people say “I love being single.” To be frank, I used to think these people were full of it. But now I’m starting to realize they might be right.

Right now I’m going through what I call a “selfish” stage. I don’t want to “talk” about it, I don’t want to compromise and I don’t want to have dinner with your parents this week end.

I realize this about myself. I know with this attitude, it wouldn’t be fair for a would be SO. There for I have no desire to date.

And guess what? I’m happy.

I might change my tune at some point in the future. But for now, I’m gonna be selfish! :slight_smile:

13

Dudn’t matter (as my students at Hopkins used to say). Legal is legal, and until then you’re a self-absorbed gasbag obsessed with how the separation from your kiddies, your financial woes, the trauma of buying replacement kitchenware, how your lawyer is minimizing your legitimate needs, etc etc etc is affecting your life for the worse. Sad but true. A rule is a rule, and you break my one-year minimum rule at your own risk. Begin to get your shit together, and after you’ve run through (and I mean RUN THROUGH) your first half-dozen boyfriends or so, I’ll consider asking you out. (Not you, Ed, a woman, but the point’s the same for both genders.)

14

I been divorced for about 2.5 years as well, and boy do I hear ya when you say the idea of dating makes you feel tired. As much as I’d like someone (other than myself) to touch my weiner, I’m in no way prepared to put any effort into it at all. Possibly ever.

I suppose if I were to meet a woman who was both just crazy hot AND incredibly incredibly easy, I could be talked into springing for dinner. Failing that, I think I’m done.

Me and the dog can keep each other company.

15

If you need to forget your ex spouse and have difficulty doing so, dating a lot can be wonderful! You can get caught up in the “OMG, he texted me this, what does it mean?!” and “Is he finally going to try for 2nd base?” drama and forget all about the ex.

But, if you don’t need the distraction, go ahead and take it slow. don’t forget that you will have to date many losers before you find another relationship. So, when you finally decide you are ready to date again it will take a lot longer even though you will be ready then.

16

I don’t agree, this rule does not apply to everyone. Some people are ready to move on quickly. Not everyone is obsessed with their divorce, not everyone has a contentious divorce, or a divorce with kids. In Edward’s case, he’s been separated for two years. So it’s been two whole years he’s been away from his ex. I think that is more than enough time. YMMV

17

Well criminy, I am out of the loop.

I think having a hard and fast rule about how long to date, not date, how long someone has been single, married, whatever, is kind of…interesting. Not everyone works on the same time table, and so to eliminate the possibility of something based on the mere passage of time strikes me as a weird motivation.

As to the OP - do what you feel is right. People can give you advice, but if you don’t feel comfortable doing it, at the end of the day, only YOU have to live with that. Besides, are these people necessarily any smarter than you when it comes to relationships? If you think so, are you sure? How would you know? How would THEY know?

18

I haven’t really posted about it much.

19

That’s rather interesting. I guess I’m wondering why you are worried about the legal aspect of it. I know there are a few states where one can get divorced within a few weeks, and had I really wanted to be a jerk I could still be married as it’s only a year if both parties agree, it’s 2-3 if one does not agree. That would mean I should think about waiting 4 years possibly in one place, but just over a year in another. I understand where you’re coming from, it’s taken me two years to really want to date, but I don’t think it matters so much on the actual divorce but on the person.

I do wish you would say something to my ex though since she’s already getting married and will be two years after she left.

20

It’s been about 3 years of separation for me. Not my fault she keeps dragging her feet. I was ready for a relationship long ago and got one. Working out great so far.