Yet another dating opinions thread - help a n00b

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

To start with, I should state that dating has not been a regular social ritual in the UK until recently, so there may be US-based “rules” that don’t apply here. That said, it might just be that I haven’t really ever dated in my life and don’t have a clue…

I have been in two long-term relationships over the past eighteen years, both of whom were friends first, and my recent disastrous girlfriend jumped on me at a party, so there was no formal process in any of these coupledoms.

Anyway, ever since a friend of mine learned I was single, four months ago, she’s been aching to set me up with her single friend. I did not feel ready for several months, but finally capitulated a couple of weeks ago. Exchanged a few emails with the girl, and finally we agreed to meet for a blind date.

Despite my nerves and misgivings, I felt very comfortable with her immediately, and found her very attractive too.

Our Wednesday night date started out at 8.30pm, and didn’t finish until 2am Thursday. We got on like a house on fire, and talked and talked all night. When I finally walked her to a cab, she said “Call me!” and I said “I’d like to see you again.” She smiled and replied “Good. Me too.” We kissed on both cheeks, and when her cab passed me, I saw her turning her head right around so she could watch me walking down the street. She didn’t know I could see her.

Then after I got home, I got a text from her that said “Had a really nice night tonight, hope to do it again sometime soon x”.

The next day she texted our mutual friend, asking if she’d heard what I thought of her. My friend replied saying I thought she was “lovely”. (I had actually used the word “fantastic”.)

Positive, no?!

She replied saying she thought I was “a really nice guy”.

Uh oh… “Nice”: the subject of a controversial concurrent thread. Alarm bells?!

So I waited two days, then called. She didn’t answer, so left her a voicemail last night saying “Fancy meeting up sometime this weekend? Give me a call!”

Since then, I’ve heard nothing.

Me, I’m deluding myself with “she’s busy” or “she’s waiting two days before getting back to me”, but suspect this may be false hope. And also, people generally do what they feel inclined to do, don’t they? If she wanted to hook up this weekend, she’d have got in touch.

I have an added concern: my ex wife rents her apartment from this girl’s best friend. We didn’t discuss past relationships, so I am worried that she might have found this out, and thought I was concealing something by not mentioning that I am just about to be divorced. I was going to tell her on our second date.

Or perhaps, and more likely, I have fallen into the “nice” trap, and she’s uncomfortable with the news that I think she’s “lovely”.

Anyway, I’m trying not to invest too much emotionally in this. Except for her being like, totally lovely, and checking every one of my boxes in terms of the kind of person I’m looking for. :frowning: :smack:

Advice please!?

2

Or maybe she just hasn’t checked her voicemail yet. :slight_smile:
I think the majority of girls do not like it if you wait until the last minute to make weekend plans. It makes it look like you think they’re sitting by the phone waiting for your call, and have nothing better to do if they dont hear from you. Next time, I’d say don’t worry about waiting two days if that means you have to ask on Friday night if the girl wants to do something that weekend.

3

My most recent experience - I met a guy online and we agreed to meet for a few drinks to get to know each other. It was fun and we talked a lot. We learned a lot about each other, including that he had been married twice before and in a long term relationship more recently. At our respective ages, that wasn’t a red flag. When I got home, I e-mailed him to thank him and tell him I had fun. He e-mailed me back likewise, thus revealing his last name. At that point I decided to CCAP him. I don’t know if the UK has anything similar, but in Wisconsin it’s the Circuit Court Access Program, online access to public records such as traffic tickets and other contacts with the law. There I found out that he has had MANY contacts with the court system for everything from small claims, to a foreclosure, to domestic incidents, to a violent incident he committed while at his place of employment. That broke the deal.

Now, that’s just my pathetic story. I don’t know if finding out a guy is currently going through a divorce is a deal breaker or not. I know I won’t go out with someone if I know ahead of time. Maybe her realization that you are currently divorcing was her deal breaker.

jjim, I hope it works out for you.

4

If she found out you’re not divorced, that would explain it because it raises the “And what else haven’t you told me?” question. I would assume the mutual friend would have let her know that up front, however.

Some will date those who are in the throes of divorce; others stay away. I’d like to know what the mutual friend told her. Do you think you can ask? If she did NOT tell her, perhaps she can do some damage control on your behalf, i.e. take the blame so it doesn’t look like YOU were lying? “jjimm wanted to wait till it was final, but I pushed him.”

I don’t buy arguments like “Maybe she hasn’t checked her voice mail” because if you really hit it off, she’d be like you—checking voicemail, email etc. and hoping for more contact. I’ll give a little leeway for being busy, possibly a technology breakdown, and these sorts of things but if she got either message, she should have been in touch post haste.

You were set up by a mutual friend (and a female no less), so that gives you a stamp of approval. I.e. you’re not off a dating site where you could be Mr. Random Perv (“Randy” to your friends) etc. It takes some genuine chemistry to have a great five-and-a-half-hour first date.

I’m going to expect that your mutual friend knows she isn’t already dating someone else and we can rule out some stuff like “She broke up with her bf two weeks ago and after your date, they made up and got back together.”

Supposing divorce isn’t the problem, here are a couple of WAG’s for you:

  1. It’s an approach/avoid thing. Say she’s been hurt badly in other breakups. You come along and it’s all wonderful; she loses herself in the date and enjoys it immensely.

Then later, privately, she realizes that this is just how she got hurt before. She thought this guy was so great and she let herself get all involved. Then the thing came crashing down. My sister did a lot of internet dating and said of some guys, “It’s as if he’ll pull you closer with one arm and push you away with the other.”

You want to watch that shit very closely…it can be a world of hurt waiting to happen.

  1. Little did you realize it, but the next day she met Brad Pitt and they hit it off. While your date was very very good, you sir are no Brad Pitt.
5

I’m guessing it’s this. You are good friends with this mutual friend right? If she has a clue she should have told about the divorce up front as that can be a deal-breaker.

Try talking to the mutual friend and getting some info. Still though, the outlook is not so good IMO.

At least you definitely don’t have to worry about the “nice” trap. A smoking hot 5hour+ first date gives no chance of that. I would have gone for a kiss on the lips and not both cheeks, but that’s a personal judgment call. In any case, if you want to hear about ‘nice,’ check out my 5 page thread in IMHO for some info about what girls think about 'Nice Guys" and nice guys. (OTE I see you already mentioned it, but I don’t think you should ring the alarm bells.)

6

Quick advice: insufficient data points, so don’t overanalyze.

If you have a quirky or less than satisfactory or hard-to-read interaction (or non-interaction/non-response), but that falls short of out-and-out rude or crazy – I would say it is generally an option to hit re-set at least once. That is, not to torture yourself about it, certainly not to “confront” her or try to get elaborate intel about her state of mind from common acquaintances. Just . . . let it pass, and then give her another chance to redeem herself, as it were, casually, without reference to her weird non-reaction.

That is, a week or so from now, shoot her an e-mail, or give her a brief call/vm: “Hey, some friends and I are hanging out this weekend, you’re welcome to join if you want, lemme know.” This serves a few purposes: it doesn’t communicate desperation on your part; it gives her a social out for her possible rudeness (if she thinks she’s going to have to explain her previous flake out, that’s reason enough for her to write you off); and it creates a relatively low–pressure environment (crucially, one that’s extra-hospitable to you), such that if you two end up connecting again, it’s easy to make your excuses and go off mano a mano for dinner, a drink, whatever.

If she flakes on that second invite – up to you if you still want to pursue her sporadically.

7

Thanks for your insightful responses everyone.

Spoke to our mutual friend last night.

  1. She knew about the divorce but agreed to the date anyway.
  2. She told my friend I am “nice” but that’s all.
  3. She’d like to see me again, but just as a friend.

Ah well. That definitely wasn’t the impression I got that night. But she’d had a few drinks and probably had the beer goggles on. I was too gentlemanly perhaps too, and wasn’t as flirty as I probably should have been.

Never mind. Not too crushed. Think I’ll remain single for a while longer - not that I have much choice in the matter. (Though there’s this one girl at work who gave me the hairy eyeball the other day…)

lobotomyboy, funny you should mention Brad Pitt: before she met me, my ex wife met him twice, and he kissed her on the cheek! She still married me though. :stuck_out_tongue:

8

[underlining mine]

Does not compute. But then, it wouldn’t be the first time I thought that about a woman. :frowning:

Sorry to hear this, but a woman who can turn on the charm etc. like that without being truly interested could sell you day for night. In the long run, maybe it’s a good thing. Nice that you could get some closure at least.

I wouldn’t flame out your mutual friend or anything. She may feel guilty that you got your hopes up etc. but clearly, she picked someone that was along the lines of what you were looking for. I’d make sure she knows you appreciate the effort, would consider another blind date, etc.

PS yeah, that’s the other side of the coin: “Brad Pitt, you sir are no jjimm,” right?:wink:

9

I also have looked someone up with this method. The person had an uncommon last name. The reports came up with a DUI and littering :confused:

It turns out that the middle names didn’t match. I didn’t tell him that I looked him up, I just asked what his middle name was during normal conversation. I would have felt like a total dumbass if I would have confronted him about the DUI :smack: