As of thirty minutes ago, I have a date for Wednesday. It’s the first one I’ve been on in a while, at least since I moved here, and of course I’m nervous.
I guess part of what is making me nervous this time 'round is that I’m re-joining the dating scene, which I’ve never really wanted to embrace again, post-divorce. My ex and I have been apart now for three years unofficially, one year officially, but I’ve only been on a few dates since, and they haven’t gone particularly well. Looking back at the dates I was on last year, I’ve realized how much I was affected by the break-up of my marriage.
So, I’m looking for a little advice here. Divorced Dopers, how did you handle re-entering the dating scene? How long did you wait before dating again? What advice would you give someone who’s worried about it?
Well, I jumped right back in, but in the worst sort of way - dating guys I worked with, casual sex (not too much of it, but far more than I had done). It was a good six months before I ended up in a “serious” relationship and that one was bad news.
And I’ve been married eight years, with my husband for ten, so my current dating scene knowledge is non-existent.
Leave your divorce at the door. Don’t bring it up unless she asks, then say something non commital (we got married, we shouldn’t have) and change the subject.
Talk about her and mutual interests. The best conversationist I know is a friend of mine. My husband spent an evening with him and I said “What’s new in Ted’s life.” “Who knows,” said my husband, “you know Ted, you have the best conversations with him but never talk about him.” Everyone loves Ted because he really does sound like he cares about you and what you care about.
Have fun, don’t think about the next date, or marriage, or your ex wife. Think about how good dinner is, how much fun the movie was, how lovely your date looks.
I jumped right into dating one man and formed a relationship that lasted 8 months or so and got dumped and started therapy and then didn’t date for another year. I went out with men I enjoyed, not looking for someone to rescue me from aloneness. I wanted to know the man who would become my next relationship, so I spent time with men who would talk to me and I asked some of them some very direct questions. Several were very open and several ran screaming. My advice is 1) to talk to your dates, but only talk seriously after you decide who’s a ‘keeper’. I needed someone who didn’t drink to excess or do drugs, who didn’t have a temper-control problem or who still lived with his mother.
2) Remember your needs—someone who is computer-literate? Someone who reads? Someone unafraid of dogs?
3) First dates are for fun.
It took quite some time (3+ years) for me to even want to be in the company of a man after my divorce. Too much damage had been done, and it took some hard work to regain the confidence needed to make a positive difference.
Relax.
Don’t badmouth the ex, or go on too much about the ex/marriage (unless asked - but keep it short).
Enjoy yourself.
I met my current wife one year into my divorce. We married after a year of dating.
Keep it fun & light at first. The women I dated early after divorce knew me as a friend before the divorce so there was something to build on. They also knew I was damaged goods & it showed.
It’s easy to fall back on patterns you learned with your first wife, try not to. It’s hard to not let the first marriage’s patterns affect the later relationships.
Keep in mind what you learned about yourself from the first marriage & divorce. In my case, I learned to stand up for myself a bit more. I argue more now rather than automatically defer. It was a hard skill to learn - and important if I didn’t want to be a door mat my whole life. You may have learned something positive from your divorce
I met my current wife one year into my divorce. We married after a year of dating.
Keep it fun & light at first. The women I dated early after divorce knew me as a friend before the divorce so there was something to build on. They also knew I was damaged goods & it showed.
It’s easy to fall back on patterns you learned with your first wife, try not to. It’s hard to not let the first marriage’s patterns affect the later relationships.
Keep in mind what you learned about yourself from the first marriage & divorce. In my case, I learned to stand up for myself a bit more. I argue more now rather than automatically defer. It was a hard skill to learn - and important if I didn’t want to be a door mat my whole life. You may have learned something positive from your divorce.
I was married for 20 years…and I have now been divorced for five years. I got married when i was 16…he was my one and only. It took me six months to go out on a date…and it was a disaster…i sucked at it…i had no clue. So i threw myself into building my career…getting education…raising my kids…etc. I got my degrees, a career i love and all my kids have moved out…
About five months ago, i decided i didnt want to be lonely…so i started dating again… but, i still suck at it…lol i seem to meet men who want to get married after two weeks of dating …or i find out they really are married after two weeks!! neither situation works for me… so basically after five years of divorce…i still don’t know …sorry not much help here…but, i think that it is different for every person. There is not a set time limit…when your ready …you will know.
My ex was the second person I’d ever dated, so when I started dating after we split I was like a kid in a candy store I wasn’t looking for anything serious, just a chance to meet new men and have fun–and I did and it was great. Some guys were put off at first by the fact that I have two kids but I made it pretty clear I wasn’t shopping for a new daddy, just looking for someone I enjoyed spending the occasional evening with. I made some good friends, had a lot of fun, and eventually met my SO and we’ve been together (quite happily!) for a couple of years now.
Don’t stress over it, just relax and have a good time–that, after all, is why we put ourselves through it all, isn’t it?
Just go and enjoy. Learn about her and her interests. No flaming the ex. Keep it light and easy.
As for the rules of dating now, I think you are suppose to get a tattoo or a peircing together before you have sex on the table at the restaurant of your first date. dunno. It’s been awhile .
I will tell you my motto regarding divorce and dating.
Go out, have fun and enter into no long-term relationship until one full calendar year has passed since your divorce.
Not your separation.
Your legal divorce.
We are all nuts those first few months after getting divorced, every single one of us. Some are more nuts, others less so. And that’s to be expected, divorce is not fun and it’s not easy – even when it’s absolutely the right thing to do.
I do feel slightly sorry for my exhusband, who remarried five months after we were divorced. He’s not very happy and it shows. Knowing him, I’m pretty sure he will not end this marriage (I don’t think he could take a second failed marriage).
Other than that, I will repeat what’s been said earlier – keep it light, don’t talk about your ex, do be honest, don’t wear aftershave or cologne, keep the alcohol consumption low so you don’t turn into a blubbering mess or a horndog either
I’m soon to be divorced in about a month. It’s amicable. Married 17 yrs. I’ve already been dating. Having the best sex I’ve had in 20 yrs with a gall 12 yrs younger (a nurse. I love nurses. A Catholic girl too, just full of guilt. Takes me all the next day to recover. Anyway…)
I’d date more girls and more often if it weren’t for the fact that none of them offer to even go dutch. What’s with that? And I’m talking internet dating sites where they contact me first (I’ve since left that venue). They’ll call and ask me why I haven’t called or are we going to go out again. I dunno. Just seems like girls want to be treated equally except when it’s to their disadvantage.
Lot’s of good advice posted above. From my own perspective, go easy and dont jump into a serious relationship at this stage fer chris’sakes. Personally, I’d like to have sex with a couple of different girls on a regular basis while at the same time cultivate a purely platonic (initially) relationship/friendship with a high-caliber girl and let that develop naturally into something more serious but at a relaxed pace. IE. don’t muddy the waters with sex thrown in until a solid relationship based on mutual interests/compatibility/respect develops. I know girls, that sounds shallow. BUT, us guys do need the sex.
Also, no matter what your flaws are, try to resist putting on a false front. You’ll be found out eventually. And watch out for women looking for their knight in shining armor. There is no such thing, IMO, and they’ve set themselves up for failure. It is MHO, that only YOU can make YOU happy. Someone else can only compliment your own happiness, not create it for you. That, IMO, is something else, something artificial.
I’m soon to be divorced in about a month. It’s amicable. Married 17 yrs. I’ve already been dating. Having the best sex I’ve had in 20 yrs with a gall 12 yrs younger (a nurse. I love nurses. A Catholic girl too, just full of guilt. Takes me all the next day to recover. Anyway…)
I’d date more girls and more often if it weren’t for the fact that none of them offer to even go dutch. What’s with that? And I’m talking internet dating sites where they contact me first (I’ve since left that venue). They’ll call and ask me why I haven’t called or are we going to go out again. I dunno. Just seems like girls want to be treated equally except when it’s to their disadvantage.
Lot’s of good advice posted above. From my own perspective, go easy and dont jump into a serious relationship at this stage fer chris’sakes. Personally, I’d like to have sex with a couple of different girls on a regular basis while at the same time cultivate a purely platonic (initially) relationship/friendship with a high-caliber girl and let that develop naturally into something more serious but at a relaxed pace. IE. don’t muddy the waters with sex thrown in until a solid relationship based on mutual interests/compatibility/respect develops. I know girls, that sounds shallow. BUT, us guys do need the sex.
Also, no matter what your flaws are, try to resist putting on a false front. You’ll be found out eventually. And watch out for women looking for their knight in shining armor. There is no such thing, IMO, and they’ve set themselves up for failure. It is MHO, that only YOU can make YOU happy. Someone else can only compliment your own happiness, not create it for you. That, IMO, is something else, something artificial.
I’m soon to be divorced in about a month. It’s amicable. Married 17 yrs. I’ve already been dating. Having the best sex I’ve had in 20 yrs with a gall 12 yrs younger (a nurse. I love nurses. A Catholic girl too, just full of guilt. Takes me all the next day to recover. Anyway…)
I’d date more girls and more often if it weren’t for the fact that none of them offer to even go dutch. What’s with that? And I’m talking internet dating sites where they contact me first (I’ve since left that venue). They’ll call and ask me why I haven’t called or are we going to go out again. I dunno. Just seems like girls want to be treated equally except when it’s to their disadvantage. It’s a little irritating, I suppose, after not being around this dating business for so long. It’s definitely a glaring feature of dating for me.
Lot’s of good advice posted above. From my own perspective, go easy and dont jump into a serious relationship at this stage fer chris’sakes. Personally, I’d like to have sex with a couple of different girls on a regular basis while at the same time cultivate a purely platonic (initially) relationship/friendship with a high-caliber girl and let that develop naturally into something more serious but at a relaxed pace. IE. don’t muddy the waters with sex thrown in until a solid relationship based on mutual interests/compatibility/respect develops. I know girls, that sounds shallow. BUT, us guys do need the sex.
Also, no matter what your flaws are, try to resist putting on a false front. You’ll be found out eventually. Then what’s left is not what attracted her to you to begin with. Then, after a probably messy breakup you’re back to square one scratching your head. And watch out for women looking for their knight in shining armor. There is no such thing, IMO, and they’ve set themselves up for failure. It is MHO, that only YOU can make YOU happy. Someone else can only compliment your own happiness, not create it for you. That, IMO, is something else, something artificial.
As Magdalene told me when I posed this very question to here a couple years ago: Don’t talk about your ex. Don’t talk about your ex. Don’t talk about your ex!
I didn’t listen and it cost me. [sub]Note to self…listen to Mags from now on [/sub]
Repeating what others have said, take it easy, have fun, talk about yourself, be positive, don’t go on a date if you aren’t truly interested in the person.
I think back on the few dates I went on when I was still screwed up over the divorce and cringe…sorry to all those I dragged into that mess.:o
I guess it comes down to you need to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else.
I immediately went out and got involvedin a rebound relationship knowing full well what it was but I also knew I was going to be moving to a different country in 8 weeks so the relationship was short lived. I kind of did me good to get me over the jitters. After that I took somet ime off for me and my kids.
It was about 9 months before I went out with anyone and when I did I dated casually for a while - that is, a few dates, no sex with different men but no seriousl expectations or commitments, just casual contact with no long term prospects or thoughts. Just going out to have fun and enjoy each other’s company. No, don’t talk about your ex. Don’t expect anyone else to be like your ex in either a good or bad way. Leave all those bags at the door. As a matter of fact, throw them out with next weeks trash. There is nothing moe unappealing than someone with a lot of baggage.
Spend some time just for you and don’t worry about where the relationship is going or is you are going to meet anyone. If you do, you will, if not, don’t stress it. It will just be more time for you to get over your last relationship and realize you aren’t defined by who you are with.
Thanks for all the responses. It really has been helpful to read them, and I’m glad now that I asked.
I think part of what’s making me nervous, too, is that I was never really good at the dating scene before I met my ex-wife. She was my first really serious girlfriend, and I didn’t meet her until I was 22 (and we married when we were 24, so that tells you something right there). Before that, dating had just been a sore subject for me, and I was somewhat bitter about my past experiences. I realize now that my divorce and all the related things that happened around it did me some good, and much of that revolves around the fact that I know now that one survives rejection, and it makes one stronger.
I don’t like cologne. So thanks to the women who advised against wearing it.
I certainly won’t talk about my ex. (I didn’t on the dates I was on last year, either.) It’s a lose-lose situation–either you badmouth her/him and you look bad or you praise her/him and it seems like you’re trying to make your date look bad. It’s a particularly sore subject if your date isn’t divorced, I suppose.
It’s been over a year since the legal divorce, Contrary. It wasn’t the case last year, but UK laws make legal separation ridiculously long (over two years in my case). She’s remarried now and I haven’t spoken to her in over eight months.
Ah, so you’ve been watching Blind Date, I see?
Again, thanks for all the advice. I made sure that I got a ticket for the Powerball drawing tomorrow night. It’s been my experience that my luck in gambling is inversely proportional to my luck at love. So, if things go really bad last night, my next post to here might be from Tahiti.
“If things go really bad last night?” Another piece of advice: don’t talk to your date as if you’re a character from a Douglas Adams novel. Unless she’s a fan of Dirk Gently, I guess.
I wasn’t looking for anything serious, just a chance to meet new men and have fun–and I did and it was great. Some guys were put off at first by the fact that I have two kids but I made it pretty clear I wasn’t shopping for a new daddy, just looking for someone I enjoyed spending the occasional evening with. I made some good friends, had a lot of fun, and eventually met my SO and we’ve been together (quite happily!) for a couple of years now.