How important is it to start dating quickly after divorce?

[Dogzilla]

I’ll give you the same advice I’ve given my sister, who is in her mid-40s and just finalized her second divorce this past fall.

Don’t make your end goal be a committed relationship. Because you’re not comfortable with random hookups/flings, just make your goal to make some new friends, male or female, doesn’t matter. Don’t be looking for your next boyfriend. Join meetup groups, put a profile on one of the free internet dating sites, and you set the terms for yourself, based on whatever you are comfortable with. Know that not every date will end up with a meaningful connection. It doesn’t have to be ugly drama either. Put it out there right up front that you are looking to make new friends, period.

What can happen (I won’t say what WILL happen) is you will make some friends. They will introduce you to other friends. One day, you may notice that you aren’t as invisible as you think you are. While you are making all these friends, you will be working through your issues/baggage from your marriage. By the time you meet a Special Someone (that evolves from a friendship to something more), you may have worked out your insecurities or fears or whatever so that you present yourself as a whole, healed, healthy person who would make a good partner for someone. Right now, you are probably still sorting yourself out somewhat (depending on how amicable the split up was).

You are not anywhere near your expiration date. Plenty of people get together in their late 30s or early 40s or older. Right now, focus on you. Who do you want to be in a relationship? What do you have to offer to your next relationship? This is the time to experiment with new looks, get back into the gym, start working on hobbies and things you’ve always wanted to try, but did not for whatever reasons. Be the awesome person you want to become and you will be irresistable to someone who is looking for a mature woman who has her head on straight. Focus on making friends and getting your head screwed back on nice and straight, the relationship part will grow out of that (probably) new pool of friends.

[jharvey963]

At the risk of being a broken record (I’ve made this recommendation in other threads), consider taking up ballroom dancing. It’s good exercise, you’ll meet a lot of people – particularly men – in a non-dating environment, and it’s a LOT of fun.

J.

[ratatoskK]

You should do whatever you feel like, of course!! Enjoy your new-found freedom!!

After I was divorced I was so happy to be rid of that guy!! I ended up meeting a great person who I ended up marrying. But it was by accident, I was not dating. And if I had not met him I would still be happy, enjoying my freedom.

[scout1222]

@Astroboy14

I haven’t really posted about it much.

I’m also resuming reading the boards after a 2-3 year absence. So there you go.

[Bullitt]

@Scribble

The probability of my meeting someone is already close to zero. I know my chances are only going to get worse with time.

Not true! Your chances are directly proportional to your self-confidence, your attitude and your outlook.

Scribble, if you’re not ready to start dating, then don’t! And there is nothing wrong with that. Other people may have their internal clock as to when you should be ready, but don’t give in to their peer pressure - I’m not saying their actions are bad, and my guess is they’re simply trying to be helpful.

After my wife of 12 years suddenly and unexpectedly walked out on me and our three children when I was 35, I purposely did not date for a long time. I needed to find out who I was as a mid-30s guy and as a single father. As devastated as I was, the true victims in this were my kids. They needed healing. We needed healing. We needed to figure out our new routines.

After a couple of years I was ready to start dating. I tried the free on-line personals just to get used to dating again. After a while I met someone (not on line), and we dated for a long time. She was very patient with me, and I needed to be sure I was fully healed. We eased into the new dynamics with my kids.

After 3 years of dating I proposed. We had a short engagement (4 months). Next month we will celebrate our tenth anniversary. She is my best friend, we are very much in love, and we never have to “work at” our marriage. (And, BTW, we never slept together until after our wedding.) The long dating was very much worth the wait!

Sorry for my long story but my message through all this is to wait to proceed only when you are ready. If you force yourself to start dating, it’ll feel forced and your date will not see the real you. Take your time, and relish in the process and the phases of your life.

Best of luck to you!

[Scribble]

Thanks so much for sharing your perspectives with me! I really appreciate it.

For the moment, I don’t think I’m going to be doing much dating. I have a lot of other things going on in my life, and I think I’m going to work on myself and my life before I start seeing anyone.

Thanks again for your insights and advice.

[dngnb8]

Dont force it. It will happen when it feels right.

[Bad_News_Baboon]

@pseudotriton_ruber_ruber

It’s important NOT to date soon after a divorce. I myself won’t date someone who hasn’t been legally divorced for at least a year (the one time I violated that rule, I paid heavily, as did the Dopers whom I exposed to my misery), and two years is a better rule. You are toxic, like it or no, for that long. You are self-absorbed, uncertain, unsteady, and full of details about your ex-, your lawyer, your settlement, blablabla and no one wants to listen to it, though if you’re cute enough, some will force themselves.

I sometimes feel like sending notes of apology to the first few women I went out with after my divorce.

I couldn’t agree more with this.

I have been divorced 6 years and understand how you feel. I for sure won’t tell you “don’t worry, he’s out there!” because I sure don’t believe in it for me.

Men my age (40) are typically married.

If they are single, a single guy my age typically doesn’t have children and is not open to them. If they are single, they more than likely want (their own biological) children. That ship has sailed for me at 40.

The divorced guys tend to be battling the divorce, or our schedules never can line up.

I tried dating but found it really tiresome, too. Online dating makes you treat people like commodities (imo) or the chemistry is never there in person.

It’s not that I didn’t have chances to date… it’s not a problem to find a date. Its a problem to find a date with a guy I liked.

I stopped dating because I felt that it was what was making me undateable: Going out for dinner with boring or dimwitted guys. Going out with guys I really had nothing in common with. Guys I didn’t respect as fathers. These were a result of going out with guys to get used to dating. For me, it was not a good idea.

This is not to say that there aren’t cool guys out there. There definitely are. They just made better friends for me (“friendzoned”).
But I will tell you this: Do things that make you happy. Don’t go to events that don’t interest you just to meet guys. Go to things you feel passionate about! Find yourself.

One of the biggest changes after my divorce was realizing that my happiness was strictly my responsibility now. If I wasn’t happy, I had nobody to blame for myself. If I didn’t do the things I wanted to, it was my fault.

So, don’t take this as a grumpy curmudgeon post because I am really happy now. I travel a lot, I go see all the foreign films I want, I went back to school, got a new career, etc. It doesn’t matter if I meet “him”, I am happy the same.

[Fair_Rarity]

I’ve been divorced for a few years now and I haven’t even come close to dating. While I am open to the idea of it, it’s not something I actively pursue. I like being by myself. I am quite sure that somewhere in the world is a single, straight, reasonably attractive guy with whom I could connect, but I feel the numbers work against me meeting him. And that’s fine. As the late, great Whitney said, “I’d rather be alone than unhappy.” The whole dating thing just seems exhausting. I’m not super social to begin with, so making myself vulnerable seems kind of scary. So I can understand the “get back on the horse” thing, but everyone is different. Don’t date if you don’t WANT to.

[Namkcalb]

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[Namkcalb]

I think it is not wise to rush into things just to fill a void

[Shagnasty]

Dating shortly after divorce has always struck me as more than a little needy, creepy, and emotionally perverted. This is a perfect example why old sayings are often wrong. “If you fall of a horse, get right back on it.” they say. No, a better saying is that it is better to be safe than sorry in these fragile situations. I waited three years to do it based on the horrible life decisions that I have seen other people make repeatably and the stepped my toe in the water carefully and then waded in. I have gotten pretty good at getting dates with just about anyone I choose. The bad news is that they don’t usually lead anywhere because dating sucks and most people are playing a game that only they know the rules to.

I have learned that there isn’t just one person out there for you. They are perpetually being made by a life circumstance assembly line. Lose one, no problem there are three more waiting in the wings. You have to make these decisions based on your own desires but please don’t think there are any arbitrary deadlines imposed. Being single kicks the ass of any bad marriage or relationship in my book so that should always be the default.