There’s another thread, where a poster is asking advice on how to refer to his wife now that they are separated. It is unclear is to what is motivating his inquiry, but I would expect that when you are dating someone else, it would be important to be very clear about your current relationship status.
So is it, was it, or would it be important to you when dating someone else to know the distinction between separated, legally separated, or legally divorced?
Would you reconsider dating someone with one or more of these labels?
I think part of it is also what the plans are. Is the divorce in the works? Are you still putzing around waiting to file? Are you or the STBX a drama queen and this might not actually happen?
When I first set up an online dating profile it said “Currently Separated” and I didn’t give it much thought beyond that. I sent out a few emails that didn’t get responses, then I read something (here I think) where several females mentioned that they wouldn’t date someone that was separated unless the only reason they weren’t divorced was because they were just waiting for the court date to come up. After reading that I put a sentence at the bottom of my profile that mentioned that my court date was coming up very shortly. A few days later I got a reply from someone who specifically said she didn’t reply because of the marital status, but she changed her mind when she saw the part I added on.
Having said that, I don’t think I’d date someone unless the divorce was in the works or I was convinced that it would be happening soon. That is, from what I can tell, both sides have no intention of getting back together, bonus points if their friendly* with each other. Other then that, I’d prefer to wait out the divorce, I’d assume it would only be a few months away.
Of course, this is all hypothetical, I’m not totally sure what I would do if the situation actually presented itself.
*To me, friendly means, they are both content with what’s going on. If they still yell at each other every time they see each other it’s possible that there’s still some fire there and/or there’s still some disagreements that could potentially get worked out and they’d get back together.
Unfortunately people will fudge status, so it’s best to ask and ask directly. Does being divorced mean you have your final decree or that you’re just “thinking about it”?
This seems intuitive to me. If someone is very specifically ‘separated’ but not divorced or with any concrete plans to divorce, it suggests that they might just be taking a break and that he’s looking for someone to fool around with in the mean time. It would be a big turn-off if I were looking for a long-term companion.
This is pretty much theoretical for me at this point, but the primary issue for me would be feeling some kind of certainty that the person was free and clear of any other active relationship. A “separated” status would give me pause (but not necessarily be a deal breaker), because of the ambiguity that can still exist between people in that situation, and because it could be an indicator that it might not be completely over. It wouldn’t make me run away, but I would want to inquire further and be satisfied that the prior relationship was absolutely, for sure already dead.
I wouldn’t get serious with someone until they were free and clear, but given that there are some states with a year long waiting period for divorce, I might start dating someone waiting with the caveat that we’d have to hold off being too serious until they were truly free.
Yeah, I expect you to tell me during the second date if there is anything complex or unusual going on with your relationship status.
not a snowball’s chance for either separated or legally separated.
not only does it make me think more than once about what kind of person would be willing to start dating with that status hanging over their heads (they come off looking like players to me) – they’re also STILL MARRIED.
i’d be worried about the legal ramifications of that. how hard would it be for the STBX wife/husband to get wind of me, ‘The Other,’ (even if it was just a single date) and decide i’d make a nice, juicy litigation target?
no thanks. life is too short for that.
as for divorced, i’d expect full disclosure from the get-go, and know exactly how long they’d been divorced. a year at least would be preferable.
I definitely felt this way when I was still dating (and using Match.com). Then one of my work colleagues got separated. She left him. For another guy. Told him it was no use to go to counseling, etc… Things hadn’t been working for them for a while, and he suspected the cheating. He was mostly resigned to the divorce, but for the slight sting of failure.
We began dating 3-4 months after they separated. The divorce was completely uncontested, and was fairly amicable, although it still takes considerable time in Virginia. We were exclusive before the divorce went through… and actually we may have been living together during the last year they filed jointly (beneficial to both of them tax-wise).
It was weird, for sure. And my jealous nature got the best of me a few times… But we have been happily married for some time now. Not the ideal situation in the beginning, but it worked out for me.
Well in some places, Maryland being one of them, it takes a lot of time until you can get divorced. It’s at least a year before you can even get a court date to get divorced. I would say that for me it will be probably next November when I’ll be divorced, and we’ve been separated since April. So I shouldn’t be allowed to date for well over a year then?
I know that’s just you, but I wonder if that’s why I can’t get women to answer me on Match. I have separated for my status, but I don’t want to lie and put divorced so I’m kind of stuck. I think I’ll add the line at the bottom saying I’m just waiting for my time to come around.
Part of the issue, at least for me, is that trying to date while still legally married is that it screams “rebound!”. While not always the case, the chances of it are way too high for my tastes.
This is when I see it as okay. When the other person is separated but they’re able to say, after a few months when they’ve straitened out their head a bit, “He/she cheated on me, don’t worry, there’s nothing he/she could say that would ever get me to take him/her back.” It would be helpful if you could also tell that even thought they don’t want to get back, that them dating isn’t any sort of revenge.
Also, it helps that you already knew him and knew his situation.
Of course. I wouldn’t date someone within the first year after spousal separation even if the official divorce went through quicker than that. I know I wasn’t good date material for about a year.
In the UK, you can’t file for divorce for two years after separation for a ‘no fault’ divorce. Depending on the circumstances of the split, that’s a hell of a time to be in the dating wilderness.
So, I would date someone who was separated, provided I had full disclosure of the circumstances and any residual feelings.
FOR SURE. We had been good friends for over a year before they split. And I did encourage him to date other people (I was still dating a few guys casually).
Had I not known him and his situation, I would not have been as open to the relationship. And I probably passed over quite a few good guys merely by their status on Match. And I did have some hang-ups that we had to work through.
Like I said before, not ideal… but it worked for me. Never say never, I guess.
For me, the definition of “separated” is crucial. If it means “waiting for the court to grant the divorce”, I can definitely live with that. If it means,“until we/I decide if we want to make it work”, that’s not a situation I’d put myself in. IOW, I don’t want somebody’s “sloppy seconds”.
These marriage laws need to be changed. Honestly, you shouldn’t even have a one-week mandatory waiting period. You should just be able to go to the courthouse, sign the papers, and do it the same day, or have the papers mailed, or whatever.
If they’re still living together it’s not going to be a serious relationship at all, but if one has moved out and it seems pretty clear they’ve got the divorce ball in motion, I think we’re good to go. And you’re right, the marriage laws do need to be changed. It’s easy to go down to the courthouse in a firey passion to get married, but all this “Are you sure you want to get divorced? [Yes] [[NO]] [CANCEL]” shit needs to go.
I think it also tends depend on how they treat their ex. If it’s friendly or polite and they don’t constantly bitch about the divorce/divorcee (i.e. “oh she’s just the mother of my kids” instead of “Cuntface wants me to pick up the kids this weekend. As if!”) that’s a good sign too.
I always assumed the waiting period was to prevent people from getting ‘in the heat of the moment’ divorces. If there was no waiting period I assume the divorce rates would sky rocket. I’d be curious to see how many people file for divorce but don’t go through with it.
