Due to some recent, although not unexpected, changes in my life, I’m not with my wife of 5+ years any more. She, and my 2 young children (ages 3 and 2), moved in with her parents about 500 miles away. I’ll spare you the ugly details, but it’s a sad development for everyone involved.
Divorce may be near, but I have no idea. I’m not going to pursue it for various reasons. These reasons are mostly monetary. If she decides to start the process, I am ready to sign. Plus, she has more incentive to pursue a divorce (for monetary reasons).
In any case, I’ve never really thought about it before, but I’d like to get a sample of responses from single women on their opinion about dating separated (but not divorced) men.
Is it a) out of the question, b) possible or c) not a problem?
I would have to pass on you for now. I’m pretty conservative when it comes to relationships, especially marriage and divorce, so it wouldn’t sit right with me to be dating someone else’s husband. Plus, there’s usually a whole lot of raw emotion and drama with a fresh separation, especially when there are kids involved. I don’t need that. So, out of the question.
I lived with my husband for 3 years while he was still married. There was a lot of bullshit involved with the ex. I finally told him that I wasn’t happy with the arrangement and would no longer be paying for a house that she could throw me out of should he get hit by a bus. The divorce proceedings started shortly thereafter.
I think it’s a deal-breaker for most women, and if I were faced with the choice again, dating would be ok but not live-in again.
Being separated isn’t a huge turn off as long as you’re not pining to get back together with your wife and would drop whoever you’re dating for a second chance. Plenty of women have hooked up with guys who promise to leave their wives and never do, so I’d make it clear that this is not your intention.
When the topic comes up, that is. No one wants to hear everything on a first date. You can refer to her simply as your ‘ex’ until your ladyfriend(s) expresses interest. Then you can give her some non-gruesome details, including why you’re putting off a divorce.
No way. You sound ambivalent about the wife, it’s all too raw and too soon, and there are young children involved. The needs of the kids HAVE to come first, above the desires of the mother or the father.
This subject actually came up at dinner with some new acquaintances on Saturday night. One of them mentioned she’d started dating and sleeping with her current husband while he was separated but before he was divorced. Before the divorce was final, his wife tracked her down at a party and called, demanding to know what she was doing “with her man.”
I’m also very old-fashioned when it comes to relationships. I wouldn’t date a man who was separated, but not divorced because I don’t consider him eligible.
You said, “Divorce may be near, but I have no idea. I’m not going to pursue it for various reasons.” If you’re not going to pursue finalizing the break between you and your wife, and I’m interested in anything more than the most casual of relationships, why should I consider pursuing you? It sounds like you’re willing to remain attached to your wife, for financial reasons, if nothing else; therefore, I’d be a fool to attach myself to you.
I would consider being friends with a man who was separated and, if someone I knew was genuinely interested in such a man, I wouldn’t necessarily tell her to avoid him completely. I’d suggest that she stick to being friends with him until he and his wife have sorted their situation out. If he’s worth having, he’s worth waiting for.
I pass in general. I passed on the guy who’d been separated but not divorced for seven years. There were issues there that I just didn’t want to touch with a ten-foot pole.
And I generally pass on the newly single anyway. Too much raw emotion. I’ve made exceptions though, and seem to be making one now. At least this guy has filed the paperwork already.
I’ve watched too many of my male friends go back to their ex-wives (or try to) to want to tangle my heart up in that.
Don’t put off the details until after she sleeps with you. That’s devious and I did not like it one bit when it was me.
I was “separated” (by a wall) in October, separated by households in January, and finally legally divorced in late July.
I can offer personal evidence that “some will, some won’t”.
I will also offer advice that you should be upfront about it. If you do online dating, offer upfront that you’re separated or at least mention it in the first correspondence. It’s a deal-breaker for many women and they don’t want to be surprised by it later, it’ll make you seem dishonest.
I don’t know your “monetary reasons” for delaying divorce but I can also offer my advice that delays are just painful. Whatever monetary reasons exist today will also most-likely exist in six months.
If your delays are more related to mixed feelings concerning the divorce, don’t date. Get your head straight first.
I know - not answers to the question you asked but I’m on the same dartboard if not on target.
Good Luck. The entire process sucks.
Search threads started by me if you want my sordid story.
My assumption is that anyone who’s less than a year out of a marriage or other LTR isn’t a suitable prospect for a new relationship. Where “out” occurs may be different in different situations – but living separately is the bare minimum, and probably papers filed. Papers finalized isn’t a necessity for me, as long as the emotional separation is pretty much complete.
My husband was separated when we started dating. He was here in the US, his wife was still in England, and he had no intention of going back to her. I also wasn’t the first woman he dated after they separated.
I would definitely take it on a case-by-case basis. However, in your case, there’s a chance at reconciliation, no way.
And I would wholeheartedly agree with that. I know that some people would say, “What’s the big deal? What better way to recover than finding other people right away?” I think that’s a bit naive though, as one typically needs a bit of time and distance in order to gain some perspective.
It’s too much of a generalization. I don’t think you can reasonably make hard and fast rules about dating. You never know who’s going to walk into your life; why push them back out over a relationship recognized only by the court system? I was separated from my wife for 3 months before I met my current wife. Because my first marriage was such shit, by the time I actually moved out, I was ready to meet someone else. Then again, I shouldn’t have married my first wife in the first place.
Those of you who say it’s a case by case basis are spot on.
There are so many variables here that my head is spinning. “Separated” is a word that can encompass about a million different situations. So is “dating”.
Would I get seriously involved with a guy who’s clearly still reeling from the breakup of his marriage? Of course not. Would I go out to dinner with a guy who’s in the process of a divorce? Hell yeah. Everything in between is subject to negotiation and judgement.
At this time in my life, I also don’t date divorced guys or guys with kids. I’m not confident enough to deal with ex wives and baby-mamas. As I get older and my available pool becomes smaller and I can’t afford to be as picky, I’m sure I’ll change my mind.
I dated a guy once who didn’t have an ex wife but an ex girlfriend with whom he shared a car payment (but not the car). The financial strain this put on him drove me nuts, as did the fact that this stupid thing kept them together somehow.
There’s a poster here who has to deal with her husband’s insane ex (don’t recall if there are kids or not). She’s posted just a few horror stories about the ex needing money and rides and stuff, and it helps solidify my opinion. Unless her SO is Superman, I would not be able to put up this myself. She’s a lot stronger than me.
Sharing finances with another woman is just a huge turn off for me.
For me it depends on how long it’s been since the separation. I myself am separated, but not divorced yet, so I can’t pass much judgement. I pass on the recently separated (as in inside of 6 months), but have dated men who were nearing completion of the process.
I’ve been separated for 2 years, and we were in separate ends of the house for 2 years before that. A lot of the criteria has to do with the emotional separation. Personally my emotional separation occured before the physical separation. So I guess what I’m saying is I take it on a case by case basis. Give it a little time before you put yourself out there though.
