My marriage is over. There really isn’t any doubt about that.
But my ex and I are still getting along just fine. She sleeps in my son’s old room (he is off at college but doesn’t come home even for summers anymore.) We still each take care of our portion of the household stuff, like me doing maintenance, she does what cooking gets done, etc. Our finances and personal lives are completely independent. We each pay 1/2 the mortgage and house expenses. Dinner, on the nights everyone is around, is a family affair 2 or 3 nights a week. We all sit around, talk about life, the day, politics, movies, whatever. Very typical family conversation stuff. There is no air of contention that I know of between us. After dinner we’ll sometimes all go into the living room and continue on with the conversation, play a board game or maybe we’ll go to the backyard and do an activity or some sort.
So it is very much like having a roommate with which I get along fairly well. We just are not engaged in any meaningful way as a couple.
The question is if we should be filing for divorce at this point. We have 3 kids, 1 as I already mentioned has effectively moved out and will graduate in a year anyway. 1 just finished her first year of college but does come stay with us over breaks and summer. The third has 3 more years of high school and I’m assuming will be off to college.
I don’t see a driver to get divorced. In this situation we both are getting a nice house for effectively 1/2 price, we can keep the family as a unit and not need to move a kid back and forth nor do we need to negotiate custody. We aren’t fighting and as far as I can tell we get along just fine.
Is there a compelling reason to get divorced at this point? I realize at some point we need to fully go our own way, but for now at least this seems to be okay. I’ll want to start dating at some point, which could prove to be problematic in a few ways, but for now that isn’t an issue.
My biggest reason for not wanting to divorce is just to keep the family together, which I know is an old cliche (it’s for the kids!) but in this case given how well we are getting along, it seems like it really is best for the kids for us to stay in the same house.
There wasn’t an event or a specific situation that happened. Over the last four years (and longer… but most noticeable in that time) we just started going our own ways. We never did anything together anymore. Eventually we thought it best to split our finances since neither like how the other was spending money, so we did. It solved the problem. I like to be active, outdoors, moving, so I go do those things. She prefers to be inside, doing her things, so she does those things.
It sounds like you already know the answer to your question. If you can’t think of a reason to get divorced, then there isn’t one. I would also add that marriage has many facets. It sounds like your marriage is not entirely “over,” just the romantic portion has died. I will say this: don’t expect other women to be understanding of this situation if/when you decide to start dating and you’re still married/living together. I don’t think anyone in their right mind gets involved in a situation like this. I’ve run across similar things in the past (a woman who was technically still married), and it’s just not worth the potential complications. YMMV.
Do the children know? I know two are grown and gone, but do they know?
Now would be the time to start talking about how you’re going to divvy up the assets. I agree with what’s said above…if you’re going to start dating, get the divorce.
Divorce is problematic, or will be if either of you freak out and hires a lawyer ‘just to help with the paperwork.’ Also, your kids are grown which means you parental types are gonna start getting old. When that happens you can consider yourself lucky to be financially stable and cohabitating with an old friend. In fact, what you two have sounds better than a lot of marriages I’m familiar with, just no physical lovin’. At your age (hey, I’m prolly close to your age as well), just how long do you think that’s going to be important to you? Maybe 10-15 more years? And then you’re gonna want that stable home and old friend.
All that said knowing diddly squat about your situation, of course. Free internet advice is free.
I’m not really sure why you think the marriage is over. You like doing different things and presumably aren’t having sex? That describes pretty much 75% of all marriages of people over 50. You’re not fighting, you get along well, you even take meals together. What’s the problem exactly? My marriage was over in year two if mutual interests were how we decided our marriage was good or not. I like fishing, hiking, sports and the outdoors and she likes reading and scrap-booking. I go on fishing trips, she goes on scrap-booking retreats and it works out pretty well.
I can think of a few reasons to get divorced even if you are still mostly getting along now.
Either of you wants to remarry.
You need to resolve differences in child-rearing. Custody agreements provide the answers.
Either of you wants to disentangle your finances. If you get drunk and kill a schoolbus full of children, the lawsuit could wipe out her interest in the house and your joint assets. On the other hand, if you increase your income or win the lottery, she could have a claim in a later divorce to joint marital property, and vice-versa.
You want emotional clarity about the end of the relationship and to use divorce as a means to change mutual expectations about your relationship. Neither of you seem to be dating now but your good working relationship could change dramatically should one of you be emotionally unprepared when the other begins dating again.
Either of you simply wants a divorce. It only takes one person to end a relationship.
You can still remain roommates without being married: I would expect the majority of people reading this post have been roommates with someone they were not romantically or sexually involved with at least once in their life. So one of you gets the house, and the other pays rent and gets other assets.
As stated the big problem is if one of you suddenly meet the person of their dreams. Divorce takes time and that person is probably not going to want to get involved with a married person.
PS: Did you read this thread about divorce from a passionless marriage:
Have you talked about this? You sound in many ways like a married couple with a warm, loving relationship. If there are gaps, perhaps those are areas you could address together.
In the thread PastTense mentioned, I often felt that one partner felt desperately unhappy with the relationship. You don’t seem to be.
I cannot stress highly enough the utter and complete hell that is a custody battle, and being separated from a child who still needs you. The emotional and financial destruction for parents and children is incalculable.
If you two are living peaceably together, and neither of you is hot to begin dating again, then let it be. Many, many couples have separate bedrooms in later years. You can even refer to it as an “Open Marriage” and continue dating, just for the love of goodness don’t try to bring anybody home.
Keep communications open, practice rigorous honesty, and make sure you are both agreed upon whether or not dating is okay before you start doing it.
I think this is the biggest issue here. You may have split your finances in the sense that you are each managing your money independently, but if you are still married, in the eyes of the law your finances are joined. Tired and Cranky mentioned a number of scenarios in which this could be problematic. If one of you gets into financial trouble through overspending or taking out loans, as long as you are married the other could be liable. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you should divorce, but you should think carefully about whether your finances are protected.
Sounds like right now your marriage is one of convenience rather than romance… So why would you give up the conveniences of that marriage for the inconveniences of divorce?
We’ve been trying for 4 years to repair things. It hasn’t worked. In that time we’ve actually grown FURTHER apart, not closer. Lots of reasons for that. We won’t grow closer together.
I don’t see either of us taking on big financial liabilities anytime soon, at least not on purpose, so I’m not really worried about that aspect of staying married. I do realize that if one of us hits a bus of kids it would wipe out both of us, but that is a risk I’m willing to take right now.
There is no sex and hasn’t been for a while. I want sex so I can’t see being stuck with that for the rest of my life.
I have talked to one kid about our situation and explicitly told her the wife and I are just two separate people now. She seemed to better knowing that. I need to talk to the other two. One is away and it will be hard to have that conversation over the phone, but I’ll do it. The other is just 15 and it will be tough to be upfront with her about it, but again, I will. The kids obviously know my wife and I are in separate rooms and don’t interact.
It’s not unusual. You have every right to want physical affection. It’s not something that everyone can turn off and on at will though, and if that switch is in the off position it usually indicates other problems relationship-wise. You’re in a tough spot and I’m glad that it’s civil at least.
If you have have separate finances and prefer to file separate tax returns, “Married Filing Separately” usually gets you worse treatment than a single person.
