My husband and I have amicably agreed to part. We realize that we no longer want the same things in life. It will likely take quite some time for everything to happen, but I have a lot to consider.
I do not think either of us is in any hurry to remarry, so should we even bother to actually get a divorce? I’m not sure how that affects social security survivor benefits, payroll tax filings, medical health care costs, etc.
We will split whatever money we have once we sell the house and stuff, so I have to decide whether to buy or rent. Do I want a house or a condo or what? I don’t want to do any yard maintenance. I don’t think I want to climb any stairs or live in a two story building at all.
We’ve been a couple since 1985, so this is a big change. I’m excited and frightened.
So, please offer me your opinions. What should I keep in mind as I plan my future?
Uncontested divorces are relatively cheap, and remaining married to someone you don’t have any ties to can be problematic. For example, your husband would likely inherit a substantial portion of your estate even if you wrote him out of the will.
I knew several couples that split and didn’t divorce. It’s been a while, they were older, and for two of the couples they were Catholic and didn’t want to deal with the trouble. It worked out for them because none of them wanted to get remarried, but there were a variety of turbulent incidents because they hadn’t totally separated their lives. This is the 21st century, marriage hardly means much anymore anyway, if it were me I’d want a clean split, but I could see maintaining some relationship if there were matters of property involved, like why sell a good house just because it can’t be effectively split up or bought out.
I’d recommend the divorce. Hopefully, things will always remain amicable between the two of you. But if they don’t, or if a divorce becomes desirable down the line for some other reason, they don’t necessarily happen quickly (depending on where you live). So I’d suggest that unless you have some strong reason to remain legally married, you should begin the divorce process now and get it out of the way.
As for where to live, I’d suggest you rent somewhere until you figure out exactly how you want to live your life as a single person. I don’t see any point in tying yourself down to a property right off the bat unless you know exactly what you want already (and I assume you wouldn’t be asking the question if you did). Rent something on a relatively short lease (probably no more than a year) that makes sense to you at the time, figure out what your new habits are going to be, and then make a decision after you’ve settled into your new life.
Splitting up can be an ugly experience for many people. I’m glad to hear yours is not happening that way. I wish you both the best of luck.
Any terms you ‘agree’ to, will not be enforceable or guaranteed in any way. Get the divorce.
It’s a lot of change, I’d recommend you consider renting until things settle down a little. I’d look for something without yardwork, less than you’d planned on spending (divorce is ALWAYS a little more costly than anticipated, plus a little extra ‘having fun’ money is a good idea at this juncture in life, I think!), in a neighbourhood that seriously cuts your commute or enhances your lifestyle in some other significant way.
You’d be in a financially comfortable, good location with some extra money in your pocket! Not a bad position to begin your new life. Just my suggestion!
Sorry you are going through this. I hope it stays amicable. You should plan on it not.
Married but separated is still married. Let’s say you own a car, only in your name, you are paying for it, etc. He drops by one day and takes it without permission. If you are divorced it’s grand theft, if you’re married it’s a civil issue (results may vary). You get the idea.
There are very real legal issues regarding marriage.
Sorry to hear about this. Hopefully the future will be bright. You may want to seek out some of the marriage-specific boards to get additional advice. There are lots out there and each one will have it’s own feel. You’ll find lots and lots of people who have gone through your exact situation and can help you out.
If you have been legally married for at least ten years, even if you divorce now you’d be entitled to the same Social Security survivors benefits; you’ll likely have to negotiate on any private pensions, 401(k)s, and so forth, and obtain the appropriate court orders (“qualified domestic relations order”). You won’t be able to keep him on your health insurance (or vice versa), but divorce is a qualifying event to change your health insurance or sign up on the ACA exchanges. Married filing separately is rarely a beneficial tax status for most people; whether you’ll pay more in taxes as two singles than you did as a couple depends mostly on your financial specifics. Payroll taxes should not be affected.
I’d suggest holding off on a divorce for a year or so and see how things work out. Do you still have friends or family you still see together? I’ve known couples who are married but dont live in the same area.
I’m sorry to hear that you are slipping up, 30years is a long time. I have no real advice except to echo what others have said all ready. Get the divorce now, and maybe see a lawyer.
Take Care.
Any & everything can be effectively split with a good chainsaw, even children.
I’d recommend seeing a divorce lawyer and talking through the options and outcomes regarding property settlement, social security, taxes, healthcare, etc. If you two are completely amicable, there could be advantages to remaining married, although I would not be without legal advice in any case. Good luck to you.
Depending on the laws in their state, a separation agreement can be binding and enforceable. A good family law attorney can draft one for not much money depending on how much joint debt and marital property there is.
If you’re still amicable and you agree on asset division, there’s nothing wrong with taking a trial separation and seeing how you both feel in 6 months or a year. I do recommend at least meeting with an attorney so they can advise you on specifics.
Agreed although most of the leg work of the agreement should be done with a mediator. That will cut the cost down considerably. If this is truly amicable then there is no need to not go through a mediator. The mediator will know how things are split legally in your state but you can deviate from the norm if you both want that. For instance my ex gave up her claim to a portion of my pension she was entitled to by law for other considerations. To go through all of that with two lawyers instead of one mediator it would have cost thousands more.
I will throw in another vote for get the divorce quickly. It may not seem like it now but it does take a burden off of you and allows you to better move on. I believe divorce is the last resort but if you do feel the need finish it quickly.
When my wife and I separated I was only concerned with my kids happiness. My wife suggested holding off on the divorce until the kids grew up, then she’d happily sign whatever.
So, for ten years we lived apart and I gave her what my take-home pay was. I worked overtime to support myself and eventually bought a house. We shared custody. I never saw my wife, and I was happy.
When the time came for doing the paperwork, she hired an attorney and went for my fucking throat.
