Thanks for the responses so far. Since this is a “general” question, I didn’t give many details behind my situation. But to make a long story short, my wife and I have been emotionally separated for years. We were only still together for the kids. In fact, we had a second child because we thought it might help the marriage. I can expand tomorrow if necessary. I’m on a blackberry right now.
Thanks
Long ago when I was in my younger mid-20’s I dated, at different times, two separated men with children. Both times the men actively pursued a serious relationship with me, and both times they went back to their wives. Both times I had a broken heart, and both times the men ended up divorced anyway. It wasn’t fair to me, and since then my rule has been that a man isn’t eligible for a serious relationship until they have been divorced for at least one year.
That doesn’t mean that a friendship is out of the question, and as friends casual dating would be all right. As things ended up for me I had a very close friendship with the man I am married to for a year before it turned into a dating relationship, and we have been together for 17 years.
Possible. I wouldn’t be in a huge hurry to move in together but dating would be possible.
No way, especially not with such young kids involved, too. Separated is still legally married, and I don’t do married men. And if this is recent, the pain is still too fresh. I subscribe to Dr Joy Brown’s rule on waiting a year after a divorce is final. I didn’t, when I was freshly separated. We were too broke to divorce, and he told me we wouldn’t be getting divorced any time soon. So I started dating, thinking I was ready to move on. I realized I was avoiding dealing with the issues of my marriage by trying to start something new. And then, when a month later my husband announced we were getting divorced, and doing it right now (we’d been separated for almost a year) I had to start dealing with the realities of divorce, and its effect on my kids. It wasn’t until well over a year later that I realized what big changes had occurred in that period of time. I had taken time to heal, and deal, and it really made a difference. When you are in the heat of the moment, or swept up by someone new, you can’t realize just how much healing there is to do. So I’m not just quoting some arbitrary rule…I’ve experienced it.
Don’t rush. Get divorced, and figure out who you are when you are alone. Then you’ll be a better catch for someone new, and not just a bunch of baggage.
I’m married, but if I was single, the answer would be no way. Ever. Feel free to call once the divorce goes through.
no, out of the question
I need to see a percentage on chances of getting back together. I’m also going to need to see your last pay stub and your medical records but thats true of everyone I date.
a) out of the question
Unless I were on a truly self-destructive bender, no.
Nope. Anyone even remotely inclined to jealousy and insecurity isn’t suitable to date someone who isn’t over his wife, nor really seems inclined to make efforts towards getting over her. I’m somewhat inclined towards both.
Wouldn’t even think of it.
My answer is a cross between this:
and this:
But absolutely nothing serious until the paperwork goes through.
For me it’s b) possible. It depends on a lot of things, like how long the separation has been and what kind of relationship you have with your ex, how you’re doing as a person, etc.
Nearly 12 months after our split, I still don’t feel it would be fair to someone else to get involved (I’m still carrying so much bitterness and anger), but my ex has moved in with his new girlfriend. Despite the fact that we came out of the same relationship, I guess we healed at different speeds - although he hasn’t actually spent a single moment single: he cheated on me with GF#1 and then ended our marriage, cheated on GF#1 with GF#2 and then dumped #1, cheated on GF#2 with the current GF and then dumped #2… The relationship with #3 has lasted the longest (about nine months and counting). I feel most sorry for GF#2 who neither knew she was the other woman or that she was being cheated on - in fact, despite the fact that we’d been separated a scant three weeks when she met him, he told her he’d been separated 18 months. If she’d known, she never would have agreed to go out with him in the first place (which I guess is why he lied about it).
a) out of the question
Generally speaking “separated, but not yet divorced” is by definition a state of transition. A lot of things are in flux; there’s a lot of uncertainty; there are emotional, financial, and legal issues in there (if there are children, there are custody and residency issues as well). It’s just more complication than I’m looking for.
Also, for me, separated is still married.
Noway.
I’ve had many girlfriends who’ve dated separated-but-not-divorced men. My sister’s dating one now. For five years, the divorce hasn’t happened yet. She’s miserable. I did it for a while, but got tired, quickly, of wondering what was really the reason the divorce wasn’t forthcoming. I also don’t know, personally, any relationship that started with one person still married that worked out as a permanent relationship.
I just feel that while there’s still a marriage, there’s still too much leftover relationship, for a billion reasons, to feel comfortable with anything more than a casual date.
:dubious: Going to be shopping around then? 
Oh, feel free to call someone else, I presume.
In Japan, it’s extremely difficult to get a divorce is both parties don’t agree and the one party who isn’t “at fault” (having an affair, moved out, etc.) doesn’t want one, or there isn’t a party at fault and one side doesn’t want it.
Anyway, back to the question. This is a big deal for a lot of people, so I think if you want to date, that’s got to be part of the conversation really, really early on. If you’re going out as friends, then no big deal, but if you want to start “dating” then I think you need to be upfront.
Personally, no.
Anybody I get involved with has the old business finished before starting the new.
If I were single, which I am most assuredly not, I guess it would depend on what I was looking for from a relationship and the kind of vibes I got from the guy. If I felt that the guy was being honest (and I could believe his take on the situation), AND I wasn’t looking for a serious relationship, AND I was pretty sure that casually dating him would not lead to any pain for his kids – sure, what the heck.
But the fact that children were involved would make me very, very leery, and the absence of plans to get a divorce would mean I’d only consider a very casual fling, never a serious relationship.
I would need an interview with the wife.
I changed my mind - I second Nava’s answer.