No, I’m not really looking to do this. But I am currently separated, and I’ve had some folks suggest I should be out there dating. I’ve considered it, but I’m really straightforward, and anyone who would potentially go out with me would know my scenario up front. And I’m just wondering if there are people out there who would even be willing to date someone in my circumstance.
So, here’s the poll question: if you were asked out by someone who told you they were currently separated and just looking to enjoy the company of a nice man/woman like you (be that sexually, or just for companionship, or “other”) and not seeking anything long-term, could you see yourself saying “yes”? Why, or why not? Even if you’re currently married or otherwise occupied, try to imagine being single and being asked out in such a circumstance. How would you react?
No way. Too much baggage, recent trauma, and potential drama. Not worth it. Plus I just don’t date married men, and separated is still married. Even if he had been separated for years, and had excuses for not divorcing yet, still wouldn’t. That just shows a lack of initiation, money, and/or self-respect. Nope.
I would. “Marriage is a state of mind.” If that state of mind is not there, the person is back on the open market, in my book.
I will say that I have a nephew, separated, that can’t get the paperwork concluded on his divorce and this has caused a very good girlfriend to give him a deadline: “Divorce final by xx-xx-09 or I’m outta’ here.”
Separated but not divorced can cause some problems.
Having seen people (and of course been a person) getting out of a long term relationship, I can say for certain that getting back to being your true self takes a while.
I had one boss who’d just gotten a divorce when I first got hired, and I thought he was a complete asshole because he was hitting on everything with tit regardless of propriety, would go off on rants about his ex, and generally was quite grumpy and dark. I remember him coming in to work one day bragging at having banged a chick born after he’d even graduated from college. About a year later, I wouldn’t have guessed it was the same man. He looked the same, but was bright and cheery, an all around a nice fellow, and of course wasn’t as obnoxious about or towards the opposite sex.
So I would be very hesitant about dating someone who was not fully divorced, or even recently divorced. I neither want them going insane on me, going back to their old partner, nor even just being a different person than they really are.
I did, but had I known, I would not have, never mind that I was married, as hubby did and does not mind.
It was too late when I found out that she was still married, I was already in love. That was nine years ago, and she did get her divorce and we all are still together, so I guess I am glad she did not say sooner.
Depends on your definition of separated. Living apart while trying to “figure things out”? Hell no. Technically married despite having lived apart for two or three years? Hell no–either there’s a lot of drama there, or there’s laziness, or there’s a lot of issues. No thanks. Moved out five months ago, has a court date? Sure.
It’s that first one that’s poison, though. “Figuring things out” shouldn’t include embroiling another human being in your drama. That just effing cruel.
You can’t file for divorce here until you’ve been separated 12 months and 1 day, and it takes several months after that for the divorce to be final. With that in mind, I’d have a go at dating someone who was separated and intending to file for divorce as soon as possible.
Couple of dates? Sure, but only if they were living separately. More than that, there better be papers filed. I can attest first had how effed things have to be before you get to that point. I can also attest to how long it can take to get divorced even when there are relatively no arguments from a legal standpoint.
Having said that though, I knew that my life just had too many complications to put myself back on the market right away. It’s unfair to include someone else in the turmoil, and someone who would want that drama, I wouldn’t be comfortable with.
I mostly agree with miamouse, although I’ll add that I’m not looking for a long-term relationship, so I would go in expecting that we would both move on within a few months.
My general rule is that I don’t date anyone less than a year after their divorce (or end of an equivalently serious relationship). Someone who is separated has generally been in that state for less than a year and thus disqualified.
That said, as several people have said, sometimes “separated” means “in the process of divorce, final papers pending,” and I would date someone who’s separated in that sense. (Huh – in fact I am currently, come to think of it: a guy I’ve been dating very casually for a few years still hasn’t finalized his divorce. That is a very casual, very sporadic, and non-exclusive relationship, though.)
As someone who is divorced, and was separated for a long time, I’d like to add that there are any number of reasons as to why people separate, and every degree of baggage (or lack of it), so I’d take every case on its merit.
For one, here (UK), if no fault is applied to one party, you can’t divorce for two years after separation. That’s a long time to wait to date another if your original separation was amicable and without major trauma.
I didn’t divorce until about 4 years after separation. This wasn’t through emotional baggage, ‘issues’ or lack of self-respect as some posters have suggested. It was because there wasn’t any hurry - we’d long since divided our finances, resettled, met other people, but just weren’t in a rush to dive down the alter with someone else. We eventually got round to it at a time when we could both afford it, with the minimal of fuss and drama, without any emotions running high and without the involvement of lawyers taking their pound of flesh. Laziness? If you like. It just wasn’t high on either of our agendas.
Someone separating amicably from a spouse they’ve grown apart from may be much less traumatised that someone who’s had their heart broken by someone they’ve been dating for two years. As I said, every case on its own merit.
Totally! In fact, the whole ‘just looking to enjoy some company’ thing would make me feel quite comfortable, knowing that the person wasn’t just looking for the next person to start a long-term relationship with, but was taking the opportunity to meet lots of new people and have some fun.
Naturally, they’d have to come across as a well-adjusted nice normal person, but that’s just the same requirements as someone who isn’t currently separated.
I lean strongly towards “no separated men,” but would not rule it out completely.
When I’m ready to start dating again (my 2.5-year relationship ended 3 months ago) I know I’ll go back to OKCupid and the like, and I will filter out the separated-but-not-divorced. I don’t have many filters but there have to be some, and the potential for drama is just too high with random separated dudes. Plus there’s the whole “I don’t date married men” thing.
That said, if I met an interesting man and then found out he was separated, I’d be willing to hear him out. I’d be a little put off at first, but if I liked him enough and if the situation sounded reasonable I can’t say that I’d stop dating him just because he wasn’t divorced.
My experience when I was separated from my first wife was that women say that they won’t date a man who is separated, but when it comes down to it they will do it if the like the guy. I was separated for three years and dated a lot during that time. Most of the women I met initially told me that they wouldn’t date a man who is separated. Almost every woman who told me that said “yes” when I asked her on a date. There’s principles and there’s attraction. Attraction wins.