you reckon she might be still interested in me? How do i find out?

In My Humble Opinion
1

We are in india, colleagues at work and know each other for three years now. In the beginning, she was interested in me but back then I was too busy for relationships so I would brush her aside under one excuse or another. She craved my touch and I would refuse to hold her hand. I always hesitated to answer her phone calls or instant messages unless there was some work involved. Basically, she’s very pretty but I never paid her any compliments or poured any affection. You can’t say I was playing hard to get because even back then I found her very pretty but I simply didn’t have any time for relationships as my finances were in bad shape and I was desperate trying to fix my bad debts and other personal problems.

The worst incident happened one day when she needed me very badly (it was work-related but you know how women often bring their emotional baggage to the workplace). I just delayed in sending her a response; she mistook it for aloofness and arrogance this made her throw a loud outburst at me. She used the exact words “insensitive jerk”. I somehow felt I didn’t treat her right but my other part told me she’s being an unreasonable bitch and I shouldn’t care about her tantrums.

Anyway later, I threw a party for my colleagues and somehow I forgot to pass her the invitation because I wanted to keep it low profile and involve as few people as possible since I’m always short of money. She again got pissed off because not not very long ago she had treated me to one of her own parties.

Once, she yelled at me in front of 20 people for standing too far from her; I was merely 4 feet away. It was embarrassing back then but today I feel it’s one of my sweet memories of her.

OK cut to Present; and I have just realized I have always liked this woman. We have a lot of things in common for example living like hermits. Like me she’s averse to show-offs and spending too much money on things we don’t want. Sometimes I feel we’re kindred souls in two different bodies, just took me such a long time to realize all this. Now I’m genuinely attracted to her.

But it seems I’m a bit too late. Over the last one year she has become a bit cold and indifferent not very unlike how I had been treating her in the past. She doesn’t dislike me but she just doesn’t send any positive vibes any more. Like I added her on Facebook (after so many years :)) and she simply blocked me - never mind. She doesn’t reply to my instant messages even if it’s related to work. She expects me to personally come and visit her when we have to discuss work. She even forgot my birthday recently and I don’t think it was out of revenge.

Even though I’m getting the cold shoulder since a very long time, I find it hard to believe she’s completely got over me. Recently I found her vigorously defending me before Top Management who were reprimanding me for absenteeism and shoddy work. She gets real cranky when I talk to any other female in her presence. Is it just because she pities my situation? Or is there still some of that “initial spark” at work?

We operate in a tight workplace with sexual harassment laws and everything. So, there are boundaries. She’s also in a senior position although I don’t directly report to her.

How do I approach her to break the frosty silence? Can we renew this relationship? Can I win back the lost affection? When we meet nowadays we hardly talk anymore as she drops the line before I could say anything.

2

You should do this to tell her your feelings.

3

Others will disagree with me, but I’d suggest sending her an email (to a personal email account, not her work one).

Apologise for your behaviour in the past, explain your focus on your financial and personal issues, but above all, you need to let her know that you recognise your behaviour was not nice.

Tell her that you find her attractive and would like to get to know her better, as long as she feels the same way about you.

See if you get a response. If you don’t, take the hint and move on.

4

I’m not sure this is going to go down well.

5

This part bothers me. I don’t see anything in the OP that indicates the OP has changed his way of thinking. So even if she isn’t totally over him (and I suspect she is) and he is able to rekindle the friendship, the minute she expresses her needs or gets angry with him (for being the insensitive jerk that he may still be), then at least part of him will not care about her “tantrums.” If expecting to be treated with respect – and calling someone out for not doing so – is classified as a “tantrum” by the OP, then he may very well be attracted to her, but he doesn’t respect her. Sounds to me like he doesn’t respect women in general.

So I’m in the “this is not going to turn out well” camp. I think the OP blew it and has mistreated this woman sufficiently. Blocking him on Facebook was a pretty clear message: she is no longer interested. I suggest keeping the professional relationship polite, cordial, friendly, and professional and forget about anything else.

6

What do you think are advantages of emailing her over saying the same things face to face?

7

Right. :rolleyes: This comment tells me a lot about you.

But really, I’d just let her go. You’re wishy washy and dismissive. Why should she date you? (Also, she’s extremely needy. Yelling at you at work? Not cool.)

You are lucky to steer clear of her (and she is smart to be avoiding you now after you had ignored and excluded her.)

8

With due respect, accusing me of being sexist is unfair for stating the well-known fact that on average women are far more emotional than men. I never said being emotional is something to be ashamed of.

Men however take bereavement, hopelessness, loneliness, insults, social rejection, humiliations, emotional torture and tons of crap that women don’t have to deal with because you’re all social creatures so you eventually find a shoulder to rely on. From an early age, men learn to bear the unluckiest crap all by ourselves and return to business on Day 2 with a genuine smile on our faces. We really know how to move on.

Learn to walk 10 steps in the shoes of a man before calling out on him for being sexist. The traditional gender roles may have reversed (e.g. my present love interest earns 3 times more money than I do and is more successful in her career) but our biologies have not. The brains of men and women are wired differently and have dissimilar responses to social and crisis situations.

9

My understanding from your original post was that she wasn’t prepared to listen to you so I didn’t think a face to face would go well. I may have misread that though?

10

It appears that you’re still learning that lesson. Move on.

11

Thank you but the context in which this statement was made is different from the original topic. It wouldn’t be a big deal for me to move on but since she happens to a present love interest, I intend to woo her.

12

I often think that “love” has a lot to do with timing.

Even if she had a crush on you to start with, your behaviour was a turn off, and the FB blocking is a very clear indicator of that. Sticking up for you to your bosses just tells me that she has earned the right to her senior position.

She sounds lovely, but women get tired of hanging around for scraps. I would not hold your breath.

13

Whether she wants you to or not?

Then you do not respect her or her wishes.

I didn’t accuse you of sexism, you inferred that. I accused you of treating her with disrespect. I have no reason to believe you’d treat other women with respect if you do not treat your love interest with respect.

Either way. Good luck with that.

14

It’s still not very clear that she does not want me. I’ll believe it when she says that to my face.

15

Women who want you do not block you on Facebook, ignore your chats, etc. Women are trained from childhood to be ‘nice’ and non-confrontational, so she’s not confronting you and is hoping you get the message and go away. You could force the issue, but you’d be a jerk to do it.

16

This doesn’t help.

17

I think you think your ways are the laws of nature. But that is just my impression from your opinions both in this thread, and in the homeopathy thread.

It’s great that you can speak for all men. I’m sure they appreciate it.

Boy, we women sure are lucky that we don’t have to deal with humiliations and emotional torture and stuff because we always find a shoulder to rely on! Even us home-dwelling, anti-social introverts!

Just a small issue: many men that I run into do not act in this manner. Many times humiliations or social rejections bother men in my direct social circle, and sometimes even beer does not soothe their emotions.

Are these particular men deficient? Or is this a brain thing like women with emotional baggage? Are their brains woman-like?

18

That’s a great possibility and I can’t deny it.

But there’s also a remote possibility that the initial spark she saw in me hasn’t died out yet. Maybe all it takes is to speak to her on this issue which I have been myself avoiding.

Can’t you see I’m in two minds on this issue? Being confused is not the same as being confrontational.

19

Sleep with her sister. If she is still interested in you, she will let you know.

20

I would like to send this woman a copy of Gavin de Becker’s The Gift of Fear.

She may have defended you to management, but the fact that she 1) blocks you on FB, and 2) doesn’t respond to IMs is a pretty clear indication that she’d like you to leave her alone.

The fact that you continue to insist that you won’t take these messages, and that you demand that she tell you so to your face, thus forcing her into a very uncomfortable situation against her will, is inappropriate.