A thread About an Ex-Girlfriend?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’ll try to keep this brief. I’m just looking for the assessment of this situation. I’m not looking for advice. I’ve already decided what I’m going to do: I’m going to leave it alone. I haven’t been the one calling her, anyhow.

Two months ago, we broke up, largely because let my life go to hell. I’ve got a lot of potential, and it was killing her to see it all going to waste. Also, she was being a bitch :D.

Now, two months later, sparing the details, I’m right back on track.

She’s seeing someone else, but has started calling/e-mailing again.

This past Friday, we both wind up at the same concert (unintended). She’s with the other man. She says some things that shouldn’t be said when you’re with another man.

context
“quote”

as we lean in close to talk because it’s loud
“Whoah… backing off we can’t talk like that; I really wanted to kiss you just then”

she’s embarassed because I’m giving her a hard time about who her new man is
“It’s nothing serious… laughing shut up! It’s nothing serious. I’m only seeing him to get over you. (is it working?) Not really”

little new man decides to give me the stare. I snicker and wink at him, and he backs off. I tell her about it
“Dont’ worry about it. You could take him.”

This things threw me for a loop. So I called her the next day to confront her on them. She claims that they didn’t mean anything, though she didn’t really say anything else. She claims that he makes her happy, and she’s just trying to be friends. 5 minutes later, I’ve got her admitting that I’m still the best lay she’s had, and she’s telling me what she liked the best. It’s under the guise of “we’re broken up now, so you can be honest,” but it’s still a line of conversation that suggests her real draw to him is at best, suspect.

I won’t lay out my differences with the meantime man, but suffice to say that ol’ boy doesn’t measure up in nearly any regard, and she’s admitted to me as much.

I personally think that she’s trying to maintain a connection with me so that she can see if I’ve really gotten all my shit together. I also think that she might just want to get laid again.

What do you think?

2

Well, I don’t think you’re quite as wonderful as you think you are.

3

I think she sounds like she has zero respect for other people, and you sound like you’re trying to boost your ego. I feel sorry for the poor guy she’s dragging around trying to make you jealous.

4

Umm…I don’t know, Fonz.

Wait, this isn’t an episode of Happy Days. :smack:

Seriously, I’m not sure what we’re supposed to be evaluating, given that you don’t want advice and all. You aren’t really asking everyone to simply confirm what a stud you are?

5

I think you’re pretty impressed with yourself.

6

I was hoping someone might be able to let me know if my assessment of the situation (she doesn’t want to want me anymore, but this guy won’t be enough for her to get over me) was correct.

Now that I’ve though of it, I actually do want advice. What do you think would be the best thing that I could do for her? I think that it’s to cut ties with her, at least until she has time to figure it out. But I also worry that cutting ties might simply cause another situation like this one… where we haven’t spoken for a long time, and have tried to give it time, but when we meet again the feelings come flooding back. And I hope it didn’t seem that I was laughing at her, or smug. I was thrown, too, by how powerful the moments were. I don’t think we broke eye contact once in 20 minutes. It’s got me thrown. So I suppose I do want her back, but not until we both figure ourselves out.

Sorry for coming off as a prick. If this thread continues to piss folks off, I won’t up it again.

Best Regards.

7

Well, it’s clear to us all that she’s using this poor chap to either get back at you, get over you, make you jealous, whatever. But lines like those from your OP really make me wonder who’s manipulating who here…

8

Likewise, sorry if I was too flip earlier.

It sounds like her current boyfriend has got a terminal case of “nice-guytis.” That he let an ex-boyfriend get in close to the point of excluding him and that he was kept at bay with a snicker and a wink. His respectability suffered from that point on. She clearly is still highly attracted to you.

This is the time for both you and her to be honest with your respective selves:

She needs to understand what “makes her happy”: current boyfriend probably has some of those qualities she felt you were lacking—which she may have been starved for—but doesn’t possess the sexual attraction that you have. I would venture to say that she needs a combination of your selling points and his.

You need to be honest if the “shit you didn’t have together 3 months ago” that was an issue for her before is together for keeps. Anyone can stop smoking; the hard part is not starting back up. What is the likelyhood of “shit” falling apart after 3 months, 3 years or 3 decades?

You mentioned very little how you feel about this woman, if you’re not looking at this as something with potential for the long haul, I would recommend that you not actively break up an existing relationship and instead look elsewhere for fulfillment. It sounds like you certainly have the capacity. <- to be taken at face value and not as sarcastic.

9

LOL. Maybe you’d better ask her best friend about that – that’s the only person who your ex will ever give her true opinion of your performance to.

And as far as what you should do about your ex? Get away ASAP. A relationship is tough. A re-relationship is tougher. A re-relationship with someone who displays such an obvious disregard for others’ feelings as you ex displays looks like big time trouble. Dumping you when you’re down-and-out, using someone else to keep her occupied while waiting to get back with you, and wanting to drop him and get back with you once you’re back on track is pretty crude behavior.

10

I think you should move on. (I also think it’s poor form on her part to be out with someone else but practically humping your leg). There are a lot of threads 'round these parts that are full of heartache over a break up – you don’t seem to be in that situation (that you’re simply dying to get back with her). I say just cut the ties and get on with you.

11

Thanks for the reply. The issues you bring up are probably the most pressing ones.

I had ‘nice-guy-itis’ when we were dating; it’s been the time apart that’s made me realize that you have to make a person part of your world, not the world itself. We were both codependent at the time, but dammit, just liked each other’s company too much. The ‘overaccomodation’ won’t be an issue again, though, since it’s been made clear where it gets me.

The other issue was/is stability. As we said, ever when we’d met, we both wished we’d met further down the line, when we were both established in our lives. She needs someone who will be consistent while she tries to figure her life out. I wasn’t that guy, and chances are I’m not yet. But I’m far further along than I was even then, and I think she might be picking up on it. She always said she fell in love both with who I was and who I wanted to be. They’re getting closer (not there yet, though) and that might be why she’s interested again.

I do know (prick though this may make me) that I can, and am, attaining his ‘selling points’ but that he’ll never attain mine. Whatever that makes me, it’s the truth.

We spoke of the long haul a great many times while we were dating; I feel that there’s still potential there but it just was/is the wrong time. That’s one of the reasons I would really rather not be in contact with her right now… I don’t want to accumulate so much baggage that it precludes anything ever again, despite how compatible we may be.

Thanks a lot for your advice. I think you’re right when you say our attraction is largely sexual right now, though we’re also two people who simply relate to each other. And so as far as breaking up the relationship, you’re right about that, too. This probably means that I can’t even grab the occasional coffee with her, because I do think that the attraction would be too strong to reconcile. It was really out of character for her to be disloyal like that.

If we hang out, I’ll be the man she wants. But right now, I guess he’s the man she needs.

I’m dying to to be able to once again have the good things that we had together, because they are rare. But I think we need to address the bad by ourselves before we could, if ever, give it another shot.

Thanks to all who responded, even if it was to put me in my place. One of the nicest things my friends do is just that :wink:

PS to CrazyMonkey. I’m glad you said that. Her friends were good friends of mine as well; and they always gave me the scoop. It was (except for once) always extremely complimentary.