Background: We dated for about 18 months. We broke up last August. It was mutual, but she initiated before I did. It was semi-long distance (about ~45 minutes), and she did most of the driving. After we broke up, we maintained contact for a few weeks, until her coworker contacted to let me know that she started banging someone about a day after we broke up (and had been working it behind the scenes while we were dating). I never told her that piece of info.
Anyway, we met on a dating website. In the last month, I can see that she’s changed her profile name/personality. That’s fine. She’s been very active on the forums there, and described incredibly promiscuous behavior. That’s also fine - but kind of out of character. It was her posting of some extremely suggestive photos that got me to investigate (no - not because of that) - and I see that she’s been seeing a number of doctors recently.
All that’s fine. I wouldn’t be too concerned (other than the doctors). But there are two posts today that worry me. She started a thread about STDs (which I know she’s positive for) and mentioned “oh it’s no big deal - if I were positive for herpes, I wouldn’t care”. Minor(ish). But the second is that she went for a casual encounter, and the guy tried to force himself on her. THAT’S a big deal. I worry that she’s not in a good place. Do I look like a stalker if I drop her a note, and let her know that I saw her posts? Does it matter?
If I were in your position I’d have forgotten her as soon as we’d broken up. I suggest you make up for lost time.
EDIT: Yes you look like a stalker and as far as I know she’s not in your life at all anymore, so I don’t know why this is an issue. Get yourself tested for STDs if that’s bothering you but as for everything else, it’s her life to live. She’s an adult who can make her own choices and these choices have pretty much zero significance to your own life, so I’d say to let her be.
Before you check in on your ex-girlfriend, I think you need to give some serious thought to how she is likely to react, and what you are willing to do if she is in a bad place and is willing to admit it and ask you for help.
I think the odds are not bad that she will either not be interested in help, or simply not be interested in help from you, but if she needs help, how much help are you prepared to give?
I don’t think there is anything wrong with caring about her in the abstract–she was an important part of your life for 18 months, not wanting to be together doesn’t mean you hate her and wish she was dead.
On the other hand, there’s something incredibly sad about encouraging you not to get involved, and thus watch her continue to spiral downwards . . .
Got any connections with her family/friends? Someone ought to try an intervention of some sort.
Her friends are jackasses, and that’s her impression of them. None of them are trustworthy, and likely to just point and laugh at any issues that might arise. She’s maintained one tenuous connection to a friend of mine, who I’d trust absolutely (and so would she). I could definitely have my friend drop her a line to see how things are going - and it’d be extremely casual.
(Actually, my friend just received a huge award in the last month that my ex probably isn’t aware of - if need be I could use that as an excuse to contact her.)
I wouldn’t if I were you. She’s going to doctors, which makes me think that she’s aware of the risks she’s taking. One bad experience with a craigslist hookup also isn’t the end of the world for her (as horrible as it is). Unless she starts to show a clear pattern of putting herself in very risky situations, I’d butt out. Sleeping around is risky of course, but it’s not life destroying. She’s an adult and free to make stupid decisions.
Plus I can’t think of a way you could approach her without coming across as a stalker.
I’m curious if you’re using her apparent issues as an excuse to reestablish contact with her. I’m not accusing you of that, but bringing that possibility to your attention.
Nope. I really don’t have any desire to strike up the relationship again - we really let it run its full course. She’s a good person, and doesn’t (or at least didn’t) have anyone nearby that she was close to at all. (She’s an out-of-town transplant and doesn’t make friends very easily.)
If you have a mutual friend who could contact her. Why not go that route? You would be satisfying your own need to help her out, without her knowing about it.
Maybe I’m just a heartless asshole, but the fact that this thread even exists alongside the quoted section boggles my mind.
If the whole thing has run its course, that’s that.
As for being high matches and receiving her updates, I’d have done what I could to stop that. So even that is bogging my mind.
If the breakup was mutual and there was none of this “let’s still be friends” BS, then I don’t know why she’s still around. But like I said, maybe I’m just a heartless asshole.
Nothing wrong with having a friend give another friend a reality check.
I have yet to meet anyone into high-risk scenarios who isn’t looking for a fencing match, though, so she might not TAKE your advice.
But it sounds like you absolutely need to give it. Just gotta find a non-threatening way to say ‘Hey, I see you. Are you ok?’
Like I said, it looks like she created a new login - I had blocked the previous one. But other than that, post-breakup she had made a lot of effort to try to stay in touch, but I really had no interest in remaining friends (I’m in total agreement with the “let’s stay friends BS” - I have plenty of friends). But I really do wish her well - I wouldn’t have spent 18 months of my life with someone I had only a selfish interest in. If she really needs to lean on someone, I don’t want to let a breakup be the petty excuse to walk away from this.
I’ll probably have L contact her and let L decide if any follow-up is needed.
Munch, you sound like you’re making progress getting her out of her head and out of your life. Every day that you care less, you will be better for it as a person. I’d just go ahead and dismiss the idea of contacting her, no good will come of it. She’s moved on, and you’re moving on too.
*Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’
Keep movin’, movin’, movin’,
Though they’re disapprovin’,
Keep them doggies movin’, Rawhide!
Don’t try to understand 'em,
Just rope and throw and grab 'em,
Soon we’ll be living high and wide. *