About 20 years ago I was dating a girl who was a few years younger than me. Although “dating” is a pretty generous description for the relationship, I must admit. I’m not really proud of how I treated her, and I know that shortly after we split up (actually, I just abandoned her, moved, changed my number, etc.) she had a pretty rough time of it, and about 10 years ago, I saw someone I was certain was her, who looked like the rough slide had only continued. A couple of days ago, she tracked me down and sent me an email.
When I knew her, she had a “spit in your eye if I don’t like you, and even I do, I might do it” personality, that she used to cover up her emotional vulnerabilities. The tone in her email indicated that it’s pretty much been beaten out of her by life. She eventually fled to another state to escape those problems, but little things in her email indicate that may not be completely true. (Don’t think that it’s drug related, more maritial related.)
Still, I can’t really understand why she wanted to look me up. I treated her like crap, she used to complain that I treated her like crap. Yet all these years later she looks me up to say “Hi.” I don’t get it.
Maybe she’s been through so much that she’d like to get back with you, have a few drinks, and then nail your nutsack to the bedrail before setting the place on fire and stand outside to hear you scream.
Because now the kid is grown and Daddy can’t be the disruptive influence on the formative years that she feared he might? Or the kid, now over 18, wanted to meet Daddy, and Mom is priming the pump so he’s not totally blindsided and a jerk to the kid? Or because she’s forbidden the kid to track down Dad until now when she can’t legally prevent it anymore, and wants to get her story to him first? Or the kid wants college money/ backpacking through Europe money/ down payment on a starter home/ crack money and just found out that they’re entitled to back child support payments? Because now DNA tests are cheap? Because whomever was previously assumed to be BabyDaddy is now definitely not (discovered through medical testing for some other condition, or a direct paternity test for some reason) and the OP is the other candidate?
Yep, one reason I’m glad to be a woman is I know of all the children I’ve had. Men never ever really do, unless they’ve been gay, celibate or literally monogamous, not serially monogamous (or anything else).
Nope. I didn’t get her knocked up when we were together (and believe me we had a number of scares), and none of the kids on her myspace page are old enough or even look remotely like me (though the middle daughter who’s about 10 has a first name similar to mine), so unless I have some very slow moving sperm. . .
(Mind you, one of my exes has a kid that looks more like me than the Chinese guy she says is his daddy. I’m waiting for her to show up one day soon and demand child support.)
Lots of interesting possibilities, but maybe she was just bored or lonely and decided to look up an old friend. She might remember the relationship differently.
How did she track you down? Were you Tuckerfan 20 years ago?
OK, I was in a similar situation as you - but on the receiving end. I was the boyfriend who got treated like crap, then abruptly dumped (well, not exactly dumped, but my “b.f.” found someone he apparently liked better, started going out with him, and just ignored me.)
For a while, even though I know I shouldn’t have, I did nurse fantasies that he might change his mind and beg me to come back to him. That didn’t happen. Life went on, I got over it (almost - still felt sore about it, but he faded out of my life.)
Then, about a year ago, I’m trolling around on MySpace and stumble onto his page. When I dated him, he was a buff, muscular gym stud. His recent pictures show that he gained at least 200lbs! He looks like Homer Simpson (in the episode in which he purposefully gained weight to get on disability). He also wrote a rather self-serving little essay about how he is single after ‘the cruel judgemental attitude’ of his former boyfriend (I can only surmise he isn’t talking about me), that I found most spurious. I have to admit, I got a perverse little thrill out of seeing that, given how vain he was about his appearance back in the day (hey, I can be as shallow & vindictive as YOU can!)
I suspect your ex-girlfriend is hoping for a similar ‘surprise revelation.’ She happened to find out your contact info by accident (or who knows? Maybe by design.) and is hoping to find out that your life is shitty and you are alone & miserable.
If Tuckerfan decides to meet this woman after all these years, and it looks like the kind of situation THaIS describes, do the following:[ul][]Arrange to meet at a comfortable, not-expensive, yet classy coffee shop.[]Dress casually yet attractively. []Be in reasonable physical and mental shape, with no anger-management issues, facial tics, or forehead tattoos.[]Drive up in something unusual, even exotic, but subdued and smart: a black (not red) Tesla sports car, an original Avanti (restored), or better yet a Tucker. []Be gracious. Ask questions. Do not take notice of any faux pas she may commit. Stay centred and do not be drawn into any psycho-dramas she may present.[]Do not linger after the meal. Leave relatively early, saying that you’re off to meet your wife/husband/board of directors/limo to the airport for that flight to Tokyo/obscure awards ceremony/physical trainer/understudy.[*]Leave no contact information.[/ul]If she’s trying to pull you down into a vortex, you’ve shown that you’re past that, and have achieved the revenge of living better.
[QUOTE=Sunspace]
If Tuckerfan decides to meet this woman after all these years, and it looks like the kind of situation THaIS describes, do the following:[ul][li]Arrange to meet at a comfortable, not-expensive, yet classy coffee shop.[]Dress casually yet attractively. []Be in reasonable physical and mental shape, with no anger-management issues, facial tics, or forehead tattoos.[]Drive up in something unusual, even exotic, but subdued and smart: a black (not red) Tesla sports car, an original Avanti (restored), or better yet a Tucker. []Be gracious. Ask questions. Do not take notice of any faux pas she may commit. Stay centred and do not be drawn into any psycho-dramas she may present.[]Do not linger after the meal. Leave relatively early, saying that you’re off to meet your wife/husband/board of directors/limo to the airport for that flight to Tokyo/obscure awards ceremony/physical trainer/understudy.[]Leave no contact information.[/ul]If she’s trying to pull you down into a vortex, you’ve shown that you’re past that, and have achieved the revenge of living better.[/li][/QUOTE]
If Tuckerfan treated her crappily, then he shouldn’t be worrying about achieving revenge. He has nothing to prove to her.
I say be nice but reserved. She may be reaching out because she’s lonely and still carries a torch for you. She may still be wondering why you so abruptly disappeared and is seeking a chance to get answers. Maybe she thinks re-establishing contact will somehow lead to a hot, burning passionate love affair. Or maybe she’s masochistic and wants you to hurt her feelings again for some sick, sad reason.
She tracked me down via my myspace page. I’m a bit surprised by that as education wasn’t exactly her strong suit.
I’ve exchanged a couple of emails with her, with the subject limited to basically “What are you up to? How’d you wind up there? Any kids? Married? Was that you I saw. . .” Nothing spectacular and certainly nothing I’d describe as flirtatious.
Nor do I think that she’s hoping to find out things are shittier with me than they are with her. Judging by her photos she’s gained about 100 lbs or so, while I, OTOH, am at the right weight for my build, if a little flabby. There’s also not the tone in her emails for her to be poking around to find out if my personal life is great or shitty. To quote Kirk, “This is damned pecular.”
[]Be gracious. Ask questions. Do not take notice of any faux pas she may commit. Stay centred and do not be drawn into any psycho-dramas she may present.[]Do not linger after the meal. Leave relatively early, saying that you’re off to meet your wife/husband/board of directors/limo to the airport for that flight to Tokyo/obscure awards ceremony/physical trainer/understudy.[*]Leave no contact information.[/ul]If she’s trying to pull you down into a vortex, you’ve shown that you’re past that, and have achieved the revenge of living better.