Is this weird? Or: Those Crazy Exes

1st off: As I still feel new here, I’ll put in the standard disclaimer about possibly not being in the right about posting this.

Okay. Now what I need from you guys is an objective opinion. No one I know in real life can give me that.

More than a year ago, my boyfriend broke up with his current gf after 8 months of being together. She didn’t take it well. He dated lots of girls for the next year (Oct - May), but he kept having fling with her (nothing serious, just sleeping together). They are still really good friends and spend a lot of time together.

All good up till here. Now, I’ve been dating him since June (almost 6 months) and since then, I have not seen her ONCE. It’s obvious she’s making an effort not to see me, 'cause my bf tells me she’ll ask if I’m around before she’ll come over, or if I’m at a party will not go etc. As a matter of fact, at one point she was going to host a party for everyone in my circle of friends but I was not invited. Party didn’t end up happening, which is good cause we would have had to decide what to do about it. And I hear rumours about her hating me, and some about her not really hating me.

Now, is this weird? That after almost 6 months she still avoids me?

I leave it up to the competant SDMBers =>

So she’s going to your guy’s house, but only when she knows you aren’t there? Interesting, to say the least. That’s definitely not something I would tolerate, especially considering that he was still sleeping with her up until a month before the two of you hooked up. However, you don’t seem so uncomfortable with this. Again, very interesting.

Those three simple words all guys hate to her:

Can we talk?

Except say it to the ex.

laughs Silver Fire, if I had a penny for every time people told me they were sleeping together…

But no, they stopped a few months before we started going out.

Thing is, I trust him. She’s still in love with him, but he’s not interested. I find it weird sometimes, cause he’ll say “Ugh, I have to go see blank tonight.”

Iampunha:
If I weren’t so totally intimidated by her, and if I ever actually even physically saw her once since we started going out, I would have.

But why would someone have to go see their ex? YMMV, but I’d question it.

1st: What’s YMMV? =>

Well, they were friends before and they’re friends now… also, she’s changed a lot since they broke up, as in she’s gotten kinda depressed and doesn’t have many friends anymore.

If you trust him, then it should be OK to verify. That was Reagan’s policy: Trust, but verify.

Wait until they are getting together, then ‘pop in’ on them. If it really is so innocent, there shouldn’t be a problem.

I hate to say it, but my bet is that there is more than just ‘friendly’ talking going on.

If I was you, I’d make it policy that he can’t see her without you. He should make a clear choice, you or her. If his friendship with her is more important than you, then he’s not right for you anyway. Let her adjust to you, not the other way around.

huge sigh

1st off: my issue isn’t whether or not he’s cheating on me. I’m pretty damn sure he isn’t. Thanks for your concern and all, though.

2nd: WHY should he have to choose between one of his best friends and me?

Now, back to the point of the discussion: Do you find it weird that she refuses to acknowledge my existence? Or is that normal bitter-ex stuff?

YMMV: Your Mileage May Vary, meaning things may be different where you come from. Anyway, what Danalan said. I’m guessing that there is more than friendship there, and you should “pop in” on them.

I don’t think it’s unusual at all that she avoids you. You said she’s still in love with him - obviously it’s very painful for her to be around her ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend. This girl is in a lot of pain and being around you just makes it worse. She wants him to choose between you and her because she wants you out of the picture - period. Trust me - I’ve been there.

I know you don’t want to hear it again, but something is still going on between those two. I wouldn’t want a boyfriend who couldn’t make a clean break from his ex. He cheated on all those girls he was dating before you, so why would he stop now?

I can see how without knowing us or a long explanation people will think he’s cheating on me. Some of our friends think he is, too. But not the people who actually know us.

He broke up with her cause he didn’t love her anymore. He went out with a lot of girls without caring about them, never for more than a month, maybe. He loves me.

But anyway.

Maybe I shouldn’t have brought this whole thing up… it’s just that I only get the “you’re right and she’s wrong” stuff from friends, and I wanted a more objective opinion.

C’mon gang, something is NOT obviously going on between them. She said they were friends before, why shouldn’t they still be friends? I’m friends with lots of my exes. Seems a grown-up way of dealing with things. It doesn’t seem like he is trying to keep her from Laur, but SHE doesn’t want to/feel comfortable being around Laur. Doesn’t seem so weird to me.

I couldn’t be friends with my ex boyfriend’s new girlfriend. Not if I still had deep feelings for my ex. I could say a LOT more about this whole subject, but I won’t.
Michi

Getting back to your original question:

Yes, many people are weird about their “replacements” for much longer than six months. It may be “nothing serious, just sleeping together” to him, and a whole lot more serious to her.

I personally am still good friends with my most significant ex (we lived together for seven years), and my husband and his wife are OK with it (in fact, his wife and I have lunch together so she can bitch about him on occasion to someone who really understands). But some people are weirded out just by the fact that we’re friends after all that history. Imagine how they’d probably feel if it were them.

this is my first post ever – bare with me…

what does your bf have to say about the relationship? does he not want you two to meet?

aaahhhh – did i actually do it?

Thank you for all those who stuck up for my boyfriend, I appreciate it =>

And yes, it is her doing that we don’t see each other. My bf invites her in when he knows I’m at his place, and she refuses to enter, etc.

We (me and the ex) have met, before my bf and I started going out, but she never much liked me because… well, it’s a long explanation which doesn’t need to be said, but basically for the same type of reason she doesn’t like me now.

(And congrats, callie! =>)

To those of you who say it’s not weird: I kind of agree with you. Do you think it’ll EVER change?

This, along with the idea that she hasn’t gotten over him yet, raises serious red flags in my mind (of the experience talking variety).

It sounds to me that by her “being depressed” and “not having many friends anymore” she engaging in behavior that keeps the ex- she is pining for in contact with her. By being “needy” she is using what little control she has to keep a bit of him for herself. She has discovered that having little crises (when you are not around) pushes his buttons so she will have the opportunity to spend time with him. She is trading on the previous friendship and his lingering sense of guilt at breaking up with her to manipulate him into spending time with her.

Childishly refusing to have any contact with you allows her to avoid mentally acknowledging your relationship with your boyfriend and to maintain the illusion in her mind that he is seeing her because there is some real attraction to her (and possibility that they will get back together) rather than the reality that he is seeing her because she is using guilt to manipulate him into visiting.

Although depression can be very serious, the way to deal with it is not to continue to hang around with the person who set you into depression by breaking up with you. Although being friends with ex’s is an admirable thing, when one party is not over the dating relationship or still has a strong belief that the relationship can return, it simply does not work.

My advice is to discuss this possibility with your boyfriend. I would try to have him get over his guilt at having broken up with her by realizing that continued one-on-one contact with her is really not helping her get over the relationship.

I would also insist that if he continues seeing her, she spend some time with you and him together (though you need not necessarily be there every time he visits with her). This will help her face the reality that you exist and are going out with her ex-. That said, I think the better course is for your boyfriend to cut off contact with her for at least a while.

Of course, YMMV.

I think being friends with an ex can be a very good thing. It’s probably natural that she still feels somewhat unwilling to be around you. But, you are not asking her to be your best friend. It seems like she could make some sort of effort to compromise, especially because your posts makes it sound like you move in the same social circles.

If it were me (and I realize you’re not me, you’re you, but anyway), I would say to my boyfriend:

“you know, Boyfriend, that I trust you completely. But it makes me uncomfortable that Ex seems to have such a problem seeing me. I would like to resolve it before it turns into a worse situation, such as the party that almost happened. The next time she wants to make plans to see you, I would appreciate it if you might suggest watching a movie with all three of us, or going to get coffee all together.”

Even if you have no interest in getting to know Ex at all, it might not be a bad idea to get the message across that you are a big part of your boyfriend’s life, and she has to learn to deal with that.

Well, if none of us can understand the situation without knowing the two of you, I’m not sure our opinions would count for much.

It is obvious that this issue is causing a degree of angst for you and needs to be rectified.

One of the fundamental rules that my ex and I had when we split was that though we remain extremely close friends that was never to interfere with any future relationships we may have. We felt this was necessary so not to cause any friction between all of our close friends.

Your Boyfriend’s ex has not obviously taken an effort to be empathetic to your Boyfriend’s current relationship and perhaps is trying to play a few games with him to win him back by seeming dependent on him. By excluding you during these times it is possible that she convinces herself that he still cares for her in a deeper way as she still has the power to “take” him away from you, if only for brief times.

I truly believe that if she was a “real friend” of you Boyfriend’s then she would be making an effort to get to know you and put aside her own feelings as he is obviously very happy with you from what you say.

Maybe you need to sit and have a serious discussion with you Boyfriend on how this makes you feel (and though you don’t want to be selfish - how YOU feel will directly impact on your relationship with Boyfriend and may eventually cause problems).

I hope this helps