I may be single again

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

A few day after breaking up with someone I was with for five years I met a wondeful woman. She was everything I was looking for , funny, intreresting, able to talk about current events, had her own opinions and all my friends liked her.

We have been dating for a little over two months. On Thursday we went out to dinner and the movies and everything seemed fine. She was happy and I was happy.

Last night she had to cancel our date because she said she had to go to a safety training class at work. I told her I understool that in her line of work, unexpected events happen. Now I’m not so sure she had the training to attend.

A few weeks after we started dating I was invited to a get together held by some people I became friends with while dating my now ex. She was invited because they wanted to meet her. Originaly she wasn’t going to go because my ex was going to be there and she didn’t want to meet her because bad things would happen.

I tried to assure her that nothing bad would happen and that my ex and I are on friendly terms. I work with her friend and she became friends with some of my friends so I was bound to see her on a friendly basis.

I have the “ability” to stay friendly with my ex’es even though I’m not romanticly intrested in them.

She agreed to go and says she liked them even my ex and I thought all was good.

A close friend of mine who I knew for years invited some of her friends (including my ex) to a dinner/game night before I could tell her if I was going she told me my GF was going so I said I’ll be there (First I heard of this). When my GF found out exacly who was invited she said she isn’t going to go because my EX will be there. Further when that group of friends I know through my EX have an event she will not go either.

She says I am free to go but I have to make an excuse why she isn’t attending.

I don’t understand this sudden change, she won’t talk to me about the change. It’s like she is an entirely different person. I don’t like this new person I want the old person back.

I don’t know if I can go and make excuses why she isn’t with me at dinner parties/group get-togethers. No I take that back I’m not going to be able to make excuses because I’m not going to lie to them.

I know ton Thursday (and this is not an excuse) that she was saying she was starting to feel like she was getting her period and if this is related to that I can accept and deal with it each month because I honelsty love her.

I’m not going to break up with her over this but I have the feeling she may be breaking up with me.

2

If someone expected me to socialize with my SO’s ex then, well, they’re crazy. I don’t care if my SO is “friendly” with her, I don’t want to hang out with her. Ten years later? Maybe. A couple of months? Not on your life.

3
  1. The party thorwn by the friends I met though my ex was one where my ex was not attending.
  2. It was at a latter date that my new GF met my EX and my GF said she liked my EX.
  3. my GF is now insisting I attend my friends game night where she knows my EX will be after I said I would rather be with her (my GF)
4

I guess I don’t understand the OP. It’s very convoluted.

5

She may have liked her. Probably did… All the more reason for her not to want to be around her.

It’s a test. Don’t fall for it. She doesn’t want you to go and she doesn’t want to say she doesn’t want you to go. She also doesn’t want you to hang around with her that evening or she’ll feel like a consolation prize and she’ll think secretly you’d rather be with you frieds and ex-gf. If you want to keep this relationship you should not go to the party but stay home or find something else to do without your current gf. Bookstore, movie, or just stay home. Don’t bother calling your gf about it. Let her brood on it. Call her the day after and let her know you spent the evening by yourself.

You’ll have to talk about this jealousy but not now. Let her relax and be in a less threatened mood.

Of course, you could just go to the party and let her stew on it. Keep the lines of communication open and maybe you’ll hash it out in time.

6

Yes my brain is working convoluted lately this may help

  1. End of June I go a concert with X and some friends
  2. After what happened at the concert and for the months befre I decide I had to end my relationship with X
  3. While waiting to be face to face with X I put a personal on some site
  4. Person B found and responded to my ad
  5. I told X it was over. She said can we be friends. I said fine because it would awkward to see out common friends if I couldn’t be friendly with herin my mind the relationship was over a while ago and I didn’t have any feelings of loss
  6. People I know through X had a BBQ and wanted to meet Y the person who they heard I was very happy with (They found this out though Z who is X’s friend and my coworker)
  7. When B found out that they were X’s friends she didn’t want to go even though X wasn’t going to be there. She said they she never wanted to meet anyone who was a friend of X
  8. I told her that if that was her choice I was not going to see them because they weren’t fully my friends and I would be uncomfotable making excuses for her every time thye invited us to go some place and I went alone
  9. She agreed to go and said she was glad she went even though X ended up showing up there.
  10. After meeting X Person B told me she liked her.
  11. Now a few weeks later person B is acting the same way she did four or so weeks ago
7

I was assuming either

  1. It’s a test
    or
  2. Hormonal. I understand from my time reading here that some women act shall we say differently when their “friend” comes to visit.

I am not going to go to the game night but that means I have to lie to my friend as to why I’m not going to be there. I failed to mention that this friend is a woman that I’ve known since 6th grade and there was and is nothing romantic between us.

8

Jealousy, having to lie to your friends, and tests are bullshit. So is being “honestly” in love after just two months. I think you went into this new relationship too soon, and neither you nor she are ready for it.

9

Well I saw my girlfriend last night.

When I spoke to GF on the phone she still didn’t seem herself. I asked her if she wanted to see me and she said she wasn’t sure how she was feeling. I asked her about dinner and she said she wasn’t sure iof she would be hungry. She then asked me if I was going to go to the game night on Saturday and I said no. When she asked me why I told her I’ll tell her after I get off work. I did this because I didn’t want my coworker who sits next to me and is friends with my ex to hear my conversation.

I recieved an E-mail from my GF a few minutes after this saying if I wanted to go out to dinner to come up after I got off work

After work when I called her on my way up I told her that I wasn’t going to go on saturday because

  1. I know you don’t like my ex so I’m going to try to limit my exposure to her
  2. I would rather do A B & C with you on Saturday.

Well she insisted that I go to the game night because the person hosting it is my best friend. I finally agreed sayg if you are going to force me to go I will go.

On the way to dinner she mentioned that she was crabby at work because she was having her period. When I heard that I thought that would backup my idea she was only like how she was on the weekend because of PMS. Naturally I didn’t mention any of this but if I know thats how she acts I can handle the relationship better.

Over dinner she did a complete 180 and said she is going to give my ex another chance, and she will still have her party and invite eveyone. Also she may go to the game night on Saturday.

Then when I got home there was an E-mail from my friend holding the game night that it is canceled because her father is sick and her brother’s father in law passed away.

My ex sent me an E-mail saying she may be having a get together instead on Sat since this one was canceled and I have not repsponded yet and I don’t think I will respond

10

So are people who pretend that human nature doesn’t exist, and insist on constantly pressing boundries that do not need to be pressed.

The OP’s later message was right on track - you do not need to keep showing up at events with your ex. Maybe you should be able to, maybe your current girlfriend is wrongly jealous, it doesn’t really matter. The insistance on having no limitations on your life whatsoever that are not completely rational is ridiculous. Everyone has their pet issues, and not wanting the new boyfriend to not want to hang out with the ex is not that unreasonable.

11

I honestly can’t tell whether you’re insulting me or agreeing with me…

12

It doesn’t have to be an either/or. I disagree with you, which I hope does not insult you. I think it is perfectly natural to not want a new boyfriend/girlfriend hanging out with and attending events with an ex. Of course it can sometimes be a sign of excessive jealousy, and a problem with the person who is jealous. However, some people seem to overreact to any curtailing of their “freedom,” and go nuts over any small or reasonable request that they restrict their activities. I think that often kills relationships just as much as the suffocation of a jealous girlfriend/boyfriend; it’s the person who is bound and determined not to be constrained, almost as an act of angry defiance.

13

I needed some time to respond to your suggestions.

I agree that tests are bullshit which is why I don’t play into them. Either you are happy with me or you are not. I’m sorry but anyone who plays relationship games with me wastes my time. Which is one reason I posted. I wasn’t sure if she was playing games or is there was something deeper.

I told her that I would not make excuses to my friends about why she is not someplace. If she agreed to go then changes her mind she needs to tell them why. If she wants to lie and tell them she had to work when she was originally going to be off thats her decision. I’ll just reply with thats what she told me too.

You are not either of us in this relationship so I’m just going to say I feel that I am honestly in love with her and I get the same feeling back. I will grant there are different types of love (ie I love some of my coworkers but not the same way I love my parents which is different than how I love my friends). At this point if our relationsip was to end. I would be saddened but I would recover quickly.

14

Being single is nothing to be sneezed at. Yawned at, perhaps.

15

Your disagreement wasn’t the potential insult; you said that “people who pretend that human nature doesn’t exist” are bullshit, which is an insult (of sorts), and I couldn’t tell whether it was directed at me, the OP, the OP’s girlfriend, or some example person. Seems like the latter.

I disagree. You either trust the person you’re dating, or you don’t.

So a little jealousy is ok, but not a lot? Where do you draw the line? Jealousy is a completely useless emotion: of course it’s ok to feel it (we can’t help that), and sometimes it can be ok to confess it, but it’s never ok to ask another person to change their behaviour because of it. To do so is selfish and irresponsible – IOW, bullshit.

I didn’t make a single suggestion; all I did was express my opinion. You know, the one you invited by posting the OP. :slight_smile:

16

Yes I understand that. I was referring to your suggestion that “I think you went into this new relationship too soon, and neither you nor she are ready for it.”

Using the defination of
1 a : the act or process of impressing something (as an idea, attitude, or desired action) upon the mind of another <suggestion in response to propaganda —Psychological Abstracts> b : the process by which a physical or mental state is influenced by a thought or idea <the power of suggestion> from dictionary.com

17

I disagree with this. It is not necessarily about trust, it can be about many different things. Wanting the person to start a new chapter, wanting to be certain the person is actually over the ex, even if you are fairly comfortable they would not do anything untoward.

It’s not useless. It is fundamentally wrong to pretend that jealousy does not have a signifcant place and valuable function for humans. A little jealousy (and I will not play the slippery slope game) is not that much different than a bullshit meter. It prevents us from being taken advantage of, by people who say, “You either trust me or you don’t - I should be able to sleep naked with my ex at a wilderness retreat - it doesn’t mean I’m going to do anything.”

Some people view relationships as intimate. Part of intimacy is guarding against a certain level of outside intrusion. Without any form of jealousy, why would you care if your spouse does sleep around? What would it matter to you?

18

You’re right that the reason someone may not want their SO to hang out with an ex is not necessarily about trust; it could also be about insecurity. And what you describe is about control: you decide how they start a new chapter? You decide when they’re actually over their ex? More bullshit.

But we were talking about jealousy: IMO, expressed jealousy is sometimes about insecurity, but most of the time it is about trust.

I don’t “pretend” anything. Of course it’s significant, because people struggle with it all the time. Valuable? I don’t think so, but that could just be because I’ve never heard of an example where jealousy was valuable.

But some people could be trusted in that situation, while others could not. It’s perfectly valid to say, “You know what? I don’t trust you.” However, if my SO made that kind of request and I didn’t trust him, I’d seriously reevaluate his status as my SO.

The last guy I dated was very close to his ex-wife: he told me up front that they still spent a lot of time together (alone), and that they were still each other’s best friend. I said, “If you can honestly tell me that you’re not hoping to get back together with her, and that there is no longer a physical relationship, I will believe you.” He did, and I did. Was I supposed to not trust him, and either demand that he stop seeing his ex or break up with him?

Who says there can’t be any form of jealousy? Did you miss the part where I said that feeling – and sometimes even confessing – jealousy is ok?

But I don’t see what jealousy has to do with your question. I do see relationships as intimate, and I don’t believe that the level of intimacy I prefer is possible when more than two of us are involved. However, I’m not going to ask anyone to change his behaviour or who he spends time with: I trust him to respect the agreed-upon terms of our relationship, but how he does it is up to him. When someone cheats on me I am not hurt because I’m jealous, I’m hurt because he didn’t respect me or our relationship.

19

I agree, but be straight out and up front about it. Don’t play games. If you don’t like it, just say so.

20

I’m totally confused by the OP. I’ll I have to say is you’re playing with fire. You are mixing elements from two worlds that don’t belong together. I’m with your GF, I sure as hell wouldn’t want to be hanging out with the ex’s old gang.